The table below gives data on the hour of leisure time per year for people in Someland

The provided table illustrates how many hours were spent on different recreational activities by Somepand’s people of various age groups
Overall, it is obvious watching TV/videos was the most favored pastime among surveyed people of all ages whilst teens consumed more hours in the type of entertainment than other age groups. In term of watching TV, teens and elders spent over 1000 hours while the figure for middle-aged adults ranged between 400 hours and 700 hours. Besides, teenagers and young people allocated as much as 350 hours to socialize with 4 or more people. 450 hours were distributed to group exercises by youngsters, making it one of the most prevalent interests while the middle- aged refrained the most form indulging in recreational activities. In contrast, there was no sign of participation for the elderly in this form of groups sport.
On the contrary, people in the middle- aged groups distributed the highest time to socialize with fewer individuals while the opposite pattern was true for the data of teens. Individuals exercise was preferred by people in 30s and 40s by around 200 hours per year, followed by 150 hours that the elderly and young spent on this form. It is clear that watching cinema was not prevalent leisure activity among someland’s people and youngsters who allocated the most time to entertain with this recreational activities

Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

"the provided table illustrates" -> "the table presents"
Explanation: "Presents" is a more formal and precise term than "illustrates," which can imply a visual representation rather than a data summary.
"how many hours were spent on different recreational activities by Somepand’s people of various age groups" -> "the distribution of hours spent on various recreational activities among the population of Somepand across different age groups"
Explanation: This revision clarifies the subject and improves the academic tone by using "distribution" and "population" instead of "how many hours were spent," which is vague and informal.
"it is obvious" -> "it is evident"
Explanation: "Evident" is a more formal and precise term than "obvious," which can be seen as subjective or informal.
"was the most favored pastime" -> "was the most preferred pastime"
Explanation: "Preferred" is a more formal and precise term than "favored," which can imply personal bias.
"consumed more hours in the type of entertainment" -> "dedicated more hours to this form of entertainment"
Explanation: "Dedicated" is a more appropriate term in an academic context, as it implies intentional allocation of time rather than simply consuming it.
"In term of watching TV" -> "In terms of watching television"
Explanation: "Terms" should be plural, and "television" is a more formal term than "TV."
"while the figure for middle-aged adults ranged between 400 hours and 700 hours" -> "whereas the figure for middle-aged adults ranged from 400 to 700 hours"
Explanation: "Whereas" provides a clearer contrast, and "ranged from…to" is a more concise expression than "ranged between."
"allocated as much as 350 hours to socialize with 4 or more people" -> "allocated approximately 350 hours to socializing with four or more individuals"
Explanation: "Approximately" is more precise than "as much as," and "individuals" is a more formal term than "people."
"450 hours were distributed to group exercises by youngsters" -> "Young individuals allocated 450 hours to group exercises"
Explanation: This revision clarifies the subject and maintains a more active voice, which is often preferred in academic writing.
"making it one of the most prevalent interests while the middle-aged refrained the most form indulging in recreational activities" -> "making it one of the most prevalent interests, whereas middle-aged individuals engaged less frequently in recreational activities"
Explanation: "Whereas" provides a clearer contrast, and "engaged less frequently" is more formal than "refrained the most form indulging."
"there was no sign of participation for the elderly in this form of groups sport" -> "there was no evidence of participation among the elderly in this form of group sport"
Explanation: "Evidence" is a more formal term than "sign," and "among" is more appropriate than "for" in this context.
"people in the middle-aged groups distributed the highest time to socialize with fewer individuals" -> "individuals in the middle-aged group allocated the most time to socializing with fewer individuals"
Explanation: "Allocated" is more precise than "distributed," and "individuals" maintains a formal tone.
"the opposite pattern was true for the data of teens" -> "the opposite pattern was observed among teenagers"
Explanation: "Observed" is a more formal term than "true for the data of," and "teenagers" is more specific than "teens."
"Individuals exercise was preferred by people in 30s and 40s by around 200 hours per year" -> "Individual exercise was preferred by individuals in their 30s and 40s, averaging approximately 200 hours per year"
Explanation: "Averaging" provides clarity on the time allocation, and "individuals in their 30s and 40s" is more precise.
"followed by 150 hours that the elderly and young spent on this form" -> "followed by approximately 150 hours allocated by both the elderly and young individuals to this activity"
Explanation: "Allocated" clarifies the action, and "both" emphasizes the inclusion of two groups.
"watching cinema was not prevalent leisure activity among someland’s people" -> "watching films was not a prevalent leisure activity among the population of Someland"
Explanation: "Films" is a more formal term than "cinema," and "population of Someland" maintains a formal tone.
"youngsters who allocated the most time to entertain with this recreational activities" -> "young individuals who allocated the most time to engaging in these recreational activities"
Explanation: "Engaging in" is more precise than "entertain with," and "these" maintains clarity regarding the activities discussed.

Band điểm Task Achivement ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6.0

Explanation: The essay provides an overview of the data, but it does not fully satisfy all the requirements of the task. The essay presents some key features and bullet points, but it does not fully extend them. For example, the essay states that "teens and elders spent over 1000 hours" watching TV/videos, but it does not provide any specific details about the differences between these two age groups.

How to improve: The essay could be improved by providing more specific details about the data. For example, the essay could state that "teens spent an average of 1200 hours watching TV/videos, while elders spent an average of 1100 hours." The essay could also provide more detailed comparisons between the different age groups. For example, the essay could state that "teens spent significantly more time watching TV/videos than any other age group."

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 5

Band Score: 5.0

Explanation: The essay presents information with some organization, but there is a noticeable lack of overall progression. While the writer attempts to convey the data from the table, the ideas are not always logically sequenced, leading to confusion in understanding the relationships between different age groups and their leisure activities. The use of cohesive devices is inadequate and at times inaccurate, which affects the clarity of the essay. Additionally, paragraphing is present but not effectively utilized, as some paragraphs do not maintain a clear central topic or logical flow.

How to improve: To enhance coherence and cohesion, the writer should focus on organizing ideas more logically, ensuring that each paragraph has a clear central topic. Improving the use of cohesive devices—such as referencing and substitution—will help create smoother transitions between ideas. Additionally, the writer should aim to avoid repetition and ensure that paragraphing is used appropriately to separate distinct ideas or themes.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 5

Band Score: 5.0

Explanation: The essay demonstrates a limited range of vocabulary that is minimally adequate for the task. While some attempts are made to use less common vocabulary (e.g., "allocated," "indulging"), there are noticeable errors in word choice and collocation (e.g., "the type of entertainment," "distributed the highest time"). Additionally, spelling and grammatical inaccuracies are present ("Somepand’s," "form indulging," "the elderly in this form of groups sport"), which may cause some difficulty for the reader. Overall, the vocabulary used does not effectively convey precise meanings or demonstrate a strong command of lexical features.

How to improve: To enhance the lexical resource score, the writer should aim to expand their vocabulary range by incorporating more varied and precise terms related to the topic. Additionally, focusing on correct collocations and reducing spelling and grammatical errors will improve clarity. Practicing the use of synonyms and less common lexical items, while ensuring accuracy, will also contribute to a higher band score.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 5

Band Score: 5.0

Explanation: The essay demonstrates a limited range of grammatical structures, primarily relying on simple sentence forms with some attempts at complex sentences. While there are some accurate structures, frequent grammatical errors and awkward phrasing hinder clarity. For instance, phrases like "the most favored pastime among surveyed people of all ages" and "individuals exercise was preferred" contain grammatical inaccuracies that can confuse the reader. Additionally, there are punctuation issues, such as missing commas and incorrect word forms (e.g., "the middle- aged refrained the most form indulging"). These errors can cause some difficulty in understanding the overall message.

How to improve: To enhance the grammatical range and accuracy, the writer should focus on the following areas:

Variety in Sentence Structures: Incorporate a mix of simple, compound, and complex sentences to demonstrate a wider range of grammatical structures.
Error Correction: Review and revise sentences to correct grammatical errors, ensuring subject-verb agreement and proper use of articles and prepositions.
Punctuation: Pay attention to punctuation rules, particularly with commas and conjunctions, to improve the flow and clarity of the writing.
Practice: Engage in regular writing practice, focusing on complex sentence formation and seeking feedback to identify and rectify common errors.

Bài sửa mẫu

The provided table illustrates the number of hours spent on various recreational activities by the people of Someland across different age groups. Overall, it is evident that watching TV/videos was the most favored pastime among the surveyed individuals of all ages, while teenagers dedicated more hours to this type of entertainment than other age groups. In terms of watching TV, both teenagers and elders spent over 1,000 hours, whereas the figure for middle-aged adults ranged between 400 and 700 hours. Additionally, teenagers and young adults allocated as much as 350 hours to socializing with four or more people. Youngsters distributed 450 hours to group exercises, making it one of their most prevalent interests, while middle-aged individuals engaged the least in recreational activities. In contrast, there was no indication of participation from the elderly in this form of group sport.

Conversely, individuals in the middle-aged group allocated the most time to socializing with fewer individuals, while the opposite pattern was observed for teenagers. Individual exercise was preferred by people in their 30s and 40s, averaging around 200 hours per year, followed by 150 hours spent by both the elderly and young adults on this activity. It is clear that watching cinema was not a prevalent leisure activity among the people of Someland, with youngsters allocating the most time to engage in this recreational pursuit.