The table below shows information about the population of New Zealand from 2011 to 2012 by age group

The given table provides data on the changes of population in New Zealand between 2011 and 2012 by five groups of different ages.

Overall, despite the population growth, New zealand witnessed a population aging tendency as the population in the age under 40 decreased, while the reverse was true for the groups from 40 years old and above.

From 2011 to 2012, most of people was from 15 to 39 years old, over 1,5 millions people and this number had been still the highest in the following year despite its negligible decrease. Similarly, though the number of population aged under 15 was approximately a half of that in 15-39 group (over 0,8 millions during the period) and showed a decline, the figure was relatively substantial. In contrast, although the population in the age 40+ was much less than that in the two previous groups, this figure increased dramatically, which helped the population of all ages grew from 4,381,269 to 4,410,284.

Regarding the changing rates of all groups, the two youngest groups had the same rate of decrease after around a year, about 0,2%. Whereas, the percentage of change in the population growth of group from 40 to 60 years old was 0,6%, as many as that of total population. Significantly, about 4% of percentage of change came from the population growth of the oldest groups, indicating the most changing rate compared to that of the remaining groups.

Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

"New zealand" -> "New Zealand"
Explanation: The correct spelling of the country’s name is "New Zealand," which should be capitalized as it is a proper noun.
"witnessed a population aging tendency" -> "experienced a demographic shift towards aging"
Explanation: "Experienced a demographic shift towards aging" is more precise and academically appropriate than "witnessed a population aging tendency," which is somewhat vague and informal.
"most of people was" -> "most people were"
Explanation: The verb "was" should be replaced with "were" to maintain subject-verb agreement with the plural subject "most people."
"over 1,5 millions people" -> "over 1.5 million people"
Explanation: The correct numerical format for large numbers in academic writing is to use a period after the digits, not a comma.
"this number had been still the highest" -> "this number remained the highest"
Explanation: "Remained the highest" is more concise and formally appropriate than "had been still the highest," which is awkwardly phrased.
"the figure was relatively substantial" -> "the figure was significant"
Explanation: "Significant" is a more precise and formal term than "substantial" in this context, aligning better with academic language.
"the population in the age 40+" -> "the population aged 40 and above"
Explanation: "Aged 40 and above" is a more precise and formal way of expressing the age range in demographic analysis.
"this figure increased dramatically" -> "this figure experienced a significant increase"
Explanation: "Experienced a significant increase" is a more formal and precise way of describing the change in population figures.
"the population of all ages grew" -> "the overall population increased"
Explanation: "The overall population increased" is a more formal and commonly used phrase in demographic analysis.
"the two youngest groups had the same rate of decrease" -> "the two youngest groups experienced similar rates of decline"
Explanation: "Experienced similar rates of decline" is a more precise and formal way to describe the change in population figures.
"the percentage of change in the population growth of group from 40 to 60 years old" -> "the percentage change in the population growth of the 40-60 age group"
Explanation: "The 40-60 age group" is a clearer and more formal way to refer to the demographic category.
"about 4% of percentage of change" -> "a change of approximately 4%"
Explanation: "A change of approximately 4%" is clearer and more direct, avoiding the redundancy of "about 4% of percentage of change."

Band điểm Task Achivement ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6.0

Explanation: The essay addresses all the requirements of the task and presents an overview of the main trends in the data. The essay also presents and adequately highlights key features/bullet points, but some details are irrelevant or inaccurate. For example, the essay states that the population in the age 40+ was much less than that in the two previous groups, but this is not accurate. The population in the age 40-64 group was actually larger than the population in the under 15 group.

How to improve: The essay could be improved by providing more accurate and relevant details. The essay could also be improved by using more precise language and avoiding unnecessary repetition. For example, the essay could be improved by stating that the population in the age 40-64 group was larger than the population in the under 15 group, rather than saying that it was much less. The essay could also be improved by using more precise language to describe the changes in population, such as "increased slightly" or "decreased significantly," rather than simply saying "increased" or "decreased."

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 5

Band Score: 5.0

Explanation: The essay presents information with some organization, but there is a noticeable lack of overall progression. While it attempts to convey the changes in population, the ideas are not always logically arranged, leading to confusion in some areas. The use of cohesive devices is inadequate and at times inaccurate, contributing to a repetitive nature. Additionally, paragraphing is present but not always logical, which detracts from the clarity of the response.

How to improve: To enhance coherence and cohesion, the writer should focus on logically structuring the information and ensuring a clear progression of ideas. Using a wider range of cohesive devices correctly will help connect sentences and paragraphs more effectively. Improving paragraphing by clearly defining central topics for each paragraph and maintaining focus on those topics will also strengthen the overall organization of the essay.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 5

Band Score: 5.0

Explanation: The essay demonstrates a limited range of vocabulary that is minimally adequate for the task. While it attempts to convey information about population changes, the use of vocabulary is basic and repetitive. There are noticeable errors in word choice, such as "most of people" instead of "most people," and issues with spelling and word formation, like "New zealand" (should be "New Zealand") and "over 1,5 millions people" (should be "over 1.5 million people"). These errors may cause some difficulty for the reader and detract from the overall clarity of the essay.

How to improve: To enhance the lexical resource score, the writer should aim to expand their vocabulary by incorporating more varied and precise terms related to demographics and statistics. Additionally, careful proofreading to correct spelling and grammatical errors would improve clarity. Using less common lexical items and ensuring accurate collocations would also contribute to a higher band score.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6.0

Explanation: The essay demonstrates a mix of simple and complex sentence forms, which is characteristic of a Band 6. While there are some clear ideas presented, the grammatical errors and awkward phrasing occasionally hinder clarity. For instance, phrases like "most of people was" and "the number had been still the highest" contain grammatical inaccuracies. Additionally, there are punctuation issues, such as inconsistent use of commas and periods in numerical expressions. Overall, while communication is generally effective, the presence of errors suggests that the essay does not fully meet the criteria for a higher band score.

How to improve: To enhance the grammatical range and accuracy, the writer should focus on the following areas:

Subject-Verb Agreement: Ensure that subjects and verbs agree in number (e.g., "most people were" instead of "most of people was").
Sentence Structure: Vary sentence structures more effectively and ensure that complex sentences are constructed accurately.
Punctuation: Pay attention to punctuation rules, particularly with numbers and clauses, to improve clarity.
Proofreading: Regularly proofread the essay to catch minor errors and awkward phrasing that could be corrected for better readability.

Bài sửa mẫu

The given table provides data on the changes in the population of New Zealand between 2011 and 2012 across five different age groups.

Overall, despite the population growth, New Zealand experienced a trend of population aging, as the number of individuals under 40 decreased, while the opposite was true for those aged 40 and above.

From 2011 to 2012, the largest segment of the population wascomprised of individuals aged 15 to 39, totaling over 1.5 million people. This figure remained the highest in the following year, despite a negligible decrease. Similarly, although the population aged under 15 was approximately half that of the 15-39 age group (over 0.8 million during the period) and also showed a decline, this figure was still relatively substantial. In contrast, while the population aged 40 and above was significantly lower than that of the two previous groups, this segment increased dramatically, contributing to the overall population growth from 4,381,269 to 4,410,284.

Regarding the changing rates of all groups, the two youngest segments experienced the same rate of decrease of about 0.2% over the year. In contrast, the percentage change in the population growth of the group aged 40 to 60 years was 0.6%, which matched the overall population growth rate. Notably, approximately 4% of the percentage change originated from the population growth of the oldest age group, indicating the most significant change compared to the other groups.