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The table below shows information about the population of New Zealand from 2011 to 2012 by age group. Summarise the information by selecting and reporting the main features, and make comparisons where relevant.

The table below shows information about the population of New Zealand from 2011 to 2012 by age group.

Summarise the information by selecting and reporting the main features, and make comparisons where relevant.

The table depicts information regarding the density of residents in New Zealand between 2011 and 2012, divided by age group. Overall, the number of individuals more than 40 years old witnessed an upward trend. Additionally, the level of change in the 40 to 64 age brackets is the most notable, while under 39 years old people experienced a modest fall.
It is clear that the population of New Zealand increased slightly by 0,6% from 4381269 to 4410284 people due to the dramatic growth in the number of individuals in 40-64 years old and more than 65 years old are 0,6% and 4%, respectively. It can be seen that a moderate increase from 573946 to 596903 was recorded in the number of 65+ age brackets, followed by a 40 to 64 age group soar between 1334907 and 1339898.
In contrast, from 2011 to 2012, starting at 898160 people and 1577256 people in the figure for under 15 years old children and 15-39 years old , respectively. Obviously, both witnessed a slight diminishment of 0,2%, resulting in the former dropped to 896364 individuals and the latter decreased to 1574102 people.


Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

  1. "the density of residents" -> "the population density"
    Explanation: "Population density" is a more precise term that specifically refers to the number of people living per unit area, which is the intended meaning in this context.

  2. "more than 40 years old witnessed an upward trend" -> "individuals over 40 years old experienced an upward trend"
    Explanation: "Individuals over 40 years old" is a more formal and precise phrasing than "more than 40 years old," and "experienced" is a more appropriate verb than "witnessed" in an academic context.

  3. "the level of change in the 40 to 64 age brackets is the most notable" -> "the change in the 40 to 64 age group is the most significant"
    Explanation: "Change" is more straightforward than "level of change," and "significant" is a more precise term than "notable," which can be seen as vague.

  4. "under 39 years old people experienced a modest fall" -> "individuals under 39 years old experienced a modest decline"
    Explanation: "Individuals" is a more formal term than "people," and "decline" is a more precise term than "fall," especially in academic writing.

  5. "the population of New Zealand increased slightly by 0,6%" -> "the population of New Zealand increased slightly by 0.6%"
    Explanation: The decimal should use a period instead of a comma to conform to standard numerical formatting in academic writing.

  6. "due to the dramatic growth in the number of individuals in 40-64 years old and more than 65 years old are 0,6% and 4%, respectively" -> "attributable to the dramatic growth in the number of individuals aged 40 to 64 and those aged over 65, which were 0.6% and 4%, respectively."
    Explanation: "Attributable to" is a more formal phrase than "due to," and "aged" is a more precise term than "in." The restructuring improves clarity and maintains a formal tone.

  7. "a moderate increase from 573946 to 596903 was recorded" -> "a moderate increase from 573,946 to 596,903 was observed"
    Explanation: "Observed" is a more formal verb than "recorded," and adding commas to the numbers improves readability.

  8. "followed by a 40 to 64 age group soar between 1334907 and 1339898" -> "followed by a significant increase in the 40 to 64 age group from 1,334,907 to 1,339,898"
    Explanation: "Significant increase" is a more precise and formal expression than "soar," and using commas in the numbers enhances clarity.

  9. "starting at 898160 people and 1577256 people in the figure for under 15 years old children and 15-39 years old, respectively" -> "beginning with 898,160 individuals in the under 15 age group and 1,577,256 individuals in the 15 to 39 age group, respectively"
    Explanation: "Beginning with" is more formal than "starting at," and "individuals" is preferred over "people." The use of "age group" clarifies the context.

  10. "Obviously, both witnessed a slight diminishment of 0,2%" -> "Both groups experienced a slight decline of 0.2%"
    Explanation: "Both groups" is more concise and formal than "both witnessed," and "decline" is a more precise term than "diminishment."

  11. "resulting in the former dropped to 896364 individuals and the latter decreased to 1574102 people" -> "resulting in the former decreasing to 896,364 individuals and the latter decreasing to 1,574,102 individuals"
    Explanation: "Decreasing" is more appropriate than "dropped" in an academic context, and again, using commas in the numbers enhances readability.

Band điểm Task Achivement ước lượng: 5

Band Score: 5

Explanation: The essay generally addresses the task, but the format is inappropriate in places. The essay does not provide a clear overview of the main trends in the data. Instead, it recounts details mechanically with no clear overview. The essay also presents, but inadequately covers, key features/bullet points. There is a tendency to focus on details rather than the overall trends.

How to improve: The essay could be improved by providing a clearer overview of the main trends in the data. For example, the essay could state that the population of New Zealand increased slightly between 2011 and 2012, and that this increase was driven by growth in the older age groups. The essay could also highlight the most notable changes in the data, such as the 4% increase in the population of people aged 65 and over. The essay should also avoid focusing on irrelevant details, such as the exact number of people in each age group. Instead, the essay should focus on the overall trends in the data.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6.0

Explanation: The essay arranges information and ideas coherently, presenting a clear overall progression from the introduction to the body paragraphs. The main features of the data are summarized, and comparisons are made where relevant. However, the use of cohesive devices is somewhat mechanical, and there are instances where the cohesion between sentences could be improved. For example, phrases like "It can be seen that" and "In contrast" are used, but they do not always enhance the flow of ideas. Additionally, while paragraphing is present, it could be more logically structured to improve clarity.

How to improve: To achieve a higher band score, the writer should focus on enhancing the use of cohesive devices to create smoother transitions between ideas. This could involve varying the types of cohesive devices used and ensuring that they clearly indicate relationships between ideas. Additionally, improving the logical structure of paragraphs and ensuring that each paragraph has a clear central topic would help in achieving better coherence and cohesion.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6.0

Explanation: The essay demonstrates an adequate range of vocabulary appropriate for the task. It attempts to use less common vocabulary, such as "upward trend" and "dramatic growth," but there are instances of inaccuracy and awkward phrasing, such as "the level of change in the 40 to 64 age brackets is the most notable," which could be expressed more clearly. There are also some errors in word choice and collocation, such as "the number of individuals more than 40 years old" which would be more naturally phrased as "individuals over 40 years old." Spelling and word formation errors, like "0,6%" instead of "0.6%," are present but do not significantly impede communication.

How to improve: To achieve a higher band score, the essay could benefit from a more varied vocabulary and improved accuracy in word choice and collocation. Additionally, ensuring grammatical correctness and refining awkward phrases would enhance clarity. Practicing the use of more sophisticated lexical items and ensuring that all numerical data is presented consistently and correctly would also contribute to a stronger lexical resource.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6.0

Explanation: The essay demonstrates a mix of simple and complex sentence forms, which is characteristic of a Band 6 score. The writer attempts to use a variety of structures, but there are noticeable errors in grammar and punctuation that occasionally affect clarity. For instance, phrases like "the level of change in the 40 to 64 age brackets is the most notable" could be more clearly articulated, and there are issues with subject-verb agreement and punctuation (e.g., "0,6%" should be "0.6%"). While the overall meaning is conveyed, the presence of these errors suggests that the grammatical range and accuracy are not fully controlled.

How to improve: To achieve a higher band score, the writer should focus on the following areas:

  1. Sentence Structure: Incorporate a wider range of complex sentence structures while ensuring they are grammatically correct.
  2. Error Reduction: Proofread the essay to minimize grammatical errors and punctuation mistakes. Pay attention to common issues such as subject-verb agreement and the correct use of decimal points.
  3. Clarity and Cohesion: Enhance the clarity of comparisons and trends by using more precise language and linking words to connect ideas smoothly. This will improve the overall coherence of the essay.

Bài sửa mẫu

The table depicts information regarding the population of New Zealand between 2011 and 2012, categorized by age group. Overall, the number of individuals aged over 40 years experienced an upward trend. Additionally, the level of change in the 40 to 64 age brackets is the most notable, while those under 39 years old experienced a modest decline.

It is clear that the population of New Zealand increased slightly by 0.6%, rising from 4,381,269 to 4,410,284 people, primarily due to the significant growth in the number of individuals aged 40-64 and those aged 65 and over, which increased by 0.6% and 4%, respectively. A moderate increase was recorded in the number of individuals aged 65 and above, rising from 573,946 to 596,903. This was followed by a notable rise in the 40 to 64 age group, which increased from 1,334,907 to 1,339,898.

In contrast, from 2011 to 2012, the population of children under 15 years old and individuals aged 15-39 started at 898,160 and 1,577,256, respectively. Both groups experienced a slight decline of 0.2%, resulting in the former decreasing to 896,364 individuals and the latter dropping to 1,574,102 people.

Bài viết liên quan

Around the world, many adults are working from home, and more children are beginning to study from home because technology has become cheaper and more accessible. Do you think this is a positive or negative development? Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience. You should spend about 40 minutes on this task.

Around the world, many adults are working from home, and more children are beginning to study from home because technology has become cheaper and more…

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