The table below shows some data regarding Australia’s nursing employment and total workforce in 1987 and 2001. Summarise the information by selecting and reporting the main features, and make comparisons where relevant.
The table below shows some data regarding Australia's nursing employment and total workforce in 1987 and 2001.
Summarise the information by selecting and reporting the main features, and make comparisons where relevant.
The table shows the information about four different position of Australia’s nursing employment and total workforce in 1987 and 2001. Overall, while Directors of nursing slightly increased, there are a significant decrease in remaining others. This leads total nursing employment to a slow decline.
In 1987, the number of Assistant nurses were more than other positions, at 117,000, but it slightly fell about 10% in 2001, at 112,000. Next, Junior nurses dramatically declined 28% over fourteen years, from 39,000 to 28,000. Finally, there are a rapid drop 20% in Senior nurses, from 20,000 to 16,000. It is a special point that the number of Directors of nursing is the smallest in the table, at 4,000, but it remarkably climbed 30%, at 5,200. In general, the total nursing employment gradually decreased 10%, from 180,000 to 161,200.
In conclusion, the total workforce still went up from 2,728,000 to 3,738,000, at 37%, over fourteen years.
Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng
Errors and Improvements:
-
"position" -> "positions"
Explanation: "Position" should be pluralized to match the context of discussing multiple job roles within nursing employment in Australia. -
"there are a significant decrease" -> "there is a significant decrease"
Explanation: The subject "a significant decrease" is singular, so it should be paired with the singular verb "is" instead of "are." -
"leads total nursing employment to a slow decline" -> "results in a gradual decline in total nursing employment"
Explanation: "Leads" is a bit informal in this context. "Results in" is a more precise and formal phrase to describe the outcome of the decrease in nursing employment. -
"more than other positions" -> "more than the other positions"
Explanation: Adding "the" before "other positions" clarifies that Assistant nurses had a higher number compared to all the other positions mentioned. -
"it slightly fell about 10%" -> "it fell slightly by about 10%"
Explanation: Rearranging the adverbs "slightly" and "about" improves the sentence’s flow and readability. -
"Next, Junior nurses dramatically declined 28% over fourteen years" -> "Subsequently, the number of Junior nurses dramatically declined by 28% over fourteen years"
Explanation: Adding "the number of" before "Junior nurses" clarifies what is being measured, and specifying "by" clarifies the manner of decline. -
"there are a rapid drop 20%" -> "there was a rapid drop of 20%"
Explanation: "Drop" should be followed by "of" to indicate the amount by which something decreased. Also, "a rapid drop" should be replaced with "there was a rapid drop" for grammatical correctness. -
"It is a special point" -> "It is noteworthy"
Explanation: "Special point" is a bit colloquial. "Noteworthy" is a more formal and precise term to draw attention to the fact mentioned. -
"but it remarkably climbed 30%" -> "but it increased remarkably by 30%"
Explanation: Adding "by" clarifies that the increase is measured by a percentage. -
"In general, the total nursing employment gradually decreased 10%" -> "Overall, total nursing employment experienced a gradual decrease of 10%"
Explanation: Restructuring the sentence improves clarity and formalizes the language. -
"the total workforce still went up" -> "the total workforce continued to increase"
Explanation: "Went up" is a bit informal. "Continued to increase" maintains formality and clarity.
Band điểm Task Achivement ước lượng: 5
Band Score: 5.0
Explanation:
The essay provides an overview of the main features presented in the table, including changes in nursing employment and the total workforce in Australia between 1987 and 2001. It identifies the key positions within nursing employment and highlights changes in their numbers over the specified period. The essay also attempts to compare the figures between the two years, noting increases or decreases in each position. However, the description lacks clarity at times, with some details being inaccurately represented (e.g., the percentage change for Directors of nursing). Additionally, the conclusion, while attempting to summarize the data, does not provide a clear comparison between the nursing employment and the total workforce.
How to improve:
To improve, ensure that all information presented is accurate and relevant to the task. Provide clearer comparisons between the data for 1987 and 2001, focusing on the main trends and differences in nursing employment. Avoid exaggerations or inaccuracies in describing percentage changes, and ensure that the conclusion effectively summarizes the key findings from the data presented in the essay.
Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 6
Band Score: 6.0
Explanation:
The essay presents the main features of the data by summarizing the information provided in the table regarding Australia’s nursing employment and total workforce in 1987 and 2001. The essay follows a logical structure, with clear progression from discussing each position’s changes from 1987 to 2001 to the overall trend of nursing employment and the total workforce. Each paragraph is focused on a specific position or aspect of the data, contributing to coherence. Additionally, cohesive devices like transition words ("Overall," "Next," "Finally," "In conclusion") are used to guide the reader through the essay. However, there are some instances where cohesion within and between sentences could be improved for smoother flow, such as in the transitions between discussing each position’s changes. The essay also lacks clarity and appropriateness in referencing, as it does not consistently refer back to specific data points from the table.
How to improve:
To enhance coherence and cohesion, ensure that each paragraph has a clear topic sentence and that ideas are logically connected within and between paragraphs. Use cohesive devices consistently and appropriately to create smoother transitions between ideas. Additionally, make sure to reference specific data points from the table to support statements and comparisons effectively. Finally, consider revising sentence structures to improve clarity and flow throughout the essay.
Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 5
Band Score: 5.0
Explanation: The essay demonstrates a limited range of vocabulary, which is minimally adequate for the task. There are some attempts to use different vocabulary, such as "dramatically declined" and "rapid drop," but overall, the vocabulary is basic and repetitive ("decrease," "increased," "drop"). Additionally, there are noticeable errors in word choice and collocation, such as "there are a significant decrease" instead of "there is a significant decrease." There are also some inaccuracies in word formation and spelling, for example, "position of Australia’s nursing employment" should be "positions in Australia’s nursing employment."
How to improve: To improve, focus on using a wider range of vocabulary to convey ideas more precisely and accurately. Use synonyms and varied expressions to avoid repetition. Pay close attention to word choice, collocation, and spelling to enhance clarity and coherence in your writing. Additionally, ensure accuracy in sentence structures and avoid grammatical errors to further enhance the quality of your essay.
Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 5
Band Score: 5.0
Explanation: The essay attempts a mix of sentence structures, including simple and some complex sentences. It provides a basic overview of the data presented in the table, highlighting changes in nursing employment from 1987 to 2001. There is an effort to make comparisons and report main features, but the essay lacks complexity and precision in language use. Some grammatical errors and inaccuracies are present, such as incorrect verb tenses and awkward phrasing.
How to improve: To achieve a higher band score, focus on enhancing the range and accuracy of grammatical structures. Use a wider variety of sentence structures, including complex sentences, to demonstrate more sophisticated language skills. Pay close attention to grammar and punctuation to ensure clarity and accuracy in communication. Additionally, strive for more precise and concise language to effectively summarize the main features and comparisons within the given data.
Bài sửa mẫu
The provided table presents data regarding Australia’s nursing employment across four different positions and the total workforce in both 1987 and 2001. Overall, while the number of Directors of Nursing experienced a slight increase, there was a significant decrease in the other positions, leading to a gradual decline in total nursing employment.
In 1987, Assistant Nurses accounted for the highest number of positions at 117,000. However, by 2001, this figure had decreased by approximately 10% to 112,000. Similarly, Junior Nurses saw a substantial decline of 28% over the fourteen-year period, falling from 39,000 to 28,000. Senior Nurses also experienced a notable decrease of 20%, dropping from 20,000 to 16,000. Notably, although the number of Directors of Nursing was the lowest among the positions listed, at 4,000 in 1987, it exhibited a remarkable increase of 30% to 5,200 by 2001. Consequently, the total nursing employment showed a gradual decline of 10%, from 180,000 to 161,200.
In contrast, the total workforce in Australia experienced a significant increase from 2,728,000 in 1987 to 3,738,000 in 2001, representing a growth of 37% over the fourteen-year period.
Phản hồi