The table below shows the average time commuters spent travelling to work every day in four Australian cities between 2002 and .

The bar chart depicts the average time commuters spend getting to work in four distinct Australian cities between 2002 and 2010.
Overall, Sydney had the longest average travel time throughout this period, while Adelaide had the shortest.
From 2002 to 2010, Sydney's average travel time ranged between 35 and 40 minutes, with gradual increases of 2 to 3 minutes. Furthermore, Brisbane, which came second, had an average commute time ranging from roughly 25 to more than 35 minutes, with variations of about 3 minutes.
Perth people spend approximately 25 minutes commuting to work from 2002 to 2008. However, there was a significant rise in travel times, which reached more than 33 minutes at the conclusion of the period. From 2002 to 2008, Adelaide witnessed only a little increase, starting at around 24 minutes and rising to slightly more than 27 minutes before returning to 24 minutes in 2010.

Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

"The bar chart depicts" -> "The bar chart illustrates"
Explanation: "Illustrates" is a more precise and formal term than "depicts" in academic contexts, enhancing the accuracy and formality of the description.
"commuters spend getting to work" -> "commuters spend traveling to work"
Explanation: "Traveling to work" is a more precise and formal phrase compared to "getting to work," which is somewhat colloquial and vague.
"distinct Australian cities" -> "four distinct Australian cities"
Explanation: Adding "four" clarifies the number of cities being referred to, providing specificity and precision.
"Throughout this period" -> "over the period"
Explanation: "Over the period" is a more concise and formal expression than "throughout this period," which can sound slightly redundant.
"gradual increases of 2 to 3 minutes" -> "incremental increases of 2-3 minutes"
Explanation: "Incremental" is a more precise term than "gradual" in this context, and using dashes instead of "to" in "2-3 minutes" is more commonly accepted in academic writing.
"Perth people" -> "residents of Perth"
Explanation: "Residents of Perth" is a more formal and precise way to refer to the population of a city, avoiding the informal "people."
"commuting to work" -> "commuting to their workplaces"
Explanation: Adding "their workplaces" specifies the destination of the commute, enhancing clarity and formality.
"there was a significant rise" -> "there was a substantial increase"
Explanation: "Substantial increase" is more formal and academically appropriate than "significant rise," which can be seen as slightly informal.
"which reached more than 33 minutes" -> "which exceeded 33 minutes"
Explanation: "Exceeded" is more precise and formal than "reached," fitting better in an academic context.
"witnessed only a little increase" -> "experienced a modest increase"
Explanation: "Experienced a modest increase" is more formal and precise than "witnessed only a little increase," which is somewhat vague and informal.
"starting at around 24 minutes and rising to slightly more than 27 minutes" -> "initially averaging 24 minutes and subsequently rising to 27 minutes"
Explanation: "Initially averaging" and "subsequently rising to" provide a clearer and more formal description of the progression over time.
"before returning to 24 minutes in 2010" -> "before returning to 24 minutes in 2010"
Explanation: This is a minor correction to ensure consistency in verb tense, aligning with the past tense used throughout the essay.

Band điểm Task Achivement ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6.0

Explanation: The essay provides an overview of the main trends in the data, but it does not fully satisfy all the requirements of the task. The essay does not adequately highlight all the key features of the data. For example, the essay does not mention that the average commute time in Perth increased significantly between 2008 and 2010.

How to improve: The essay could be improved by providing a more detailed analysis of the data. The essay should also highlight all the key features of the data, including the significant increase in commute times in Perth between 2008 and 2010. The essay should also be more concise and avoid unnecessary repetition. For example, the essay could be improved by combining the sentences "From 2002 to 2010, Sydney’s average travel time ranged between 35 and 40 minutes, with gradual increases of 2 to 3 minutes." and "Furthermore, Brisbane, which came second, had an average commute time ranging from roughly 25 to more than 35 minutes, with variations of about 3 minutes." into a single sentence.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6.0
Explanation: The essay presents information coherently, with a clear overall progression. The writer organizes the data logically, comparing the cities and their travel times effectively. However, the use of cohesive devices is somewhat mechanical, and there are instances where cohesion within and between sentences is not entirely clear. The paragraphing is present but could be improved for better clarity and logical flow. For example, the transition between the discussion of different cities could be smoother, and the central topic of each paragraph could be more explicitly stated.
How to improve: To enhance coherence and cohesion, the writer should focus on using a wider range of cohesive devices more naturally, ensuring that transitions between ideas are fluid. Additionally, refining paragraph structure by clearly stating the main idea at the beginning of each paragraph and ensuring that all sentences within a paragraph relate directly to that main idea would strengthen the overall organization. Lastly, avoiding repetitive phrases and ensuring varied sentence structures can help improve the essay’s flow.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6.0
Explanation: The essay demonstrates an adequate range of vocabulary relevant to the task, with some attempts to use less common vocabulary. However, there are inaccuracies in word choice and collocation, such as "Perth people spend" which could be more naturally phrased as "People in Perth spend." Additionally, there are minor errors in spelling and word formation that do not significantly impede communication but do detract from the overall quality of the lexical resource.
How to improve: To enhance the lexical resource score, the writer should aim to incorporate a wider range of vocabulary, particularly less common lexical items, and ensure that word choices are precise and appropriate for the context. Additionally, focusing on grammatical structures and collocation will help improve the naturalness of the language used. Regular practice with varied vocabulary and seeking feedback on word choice can also aid in achieving a higher score.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6.0
Explanation: The essay demonstrates a mix of simple and complex sentence forms, which is characteristic of a Band 6 performance. There are some grammatical errors and punctuation issues present, but they do not significantly hinder communication. The essay generally conveys the intended information clearly, although the complexity and accuracy of the structures used could be improved.

How to improve: To achieve a higher band score, the writer should focus on increasing the variety and complexity of sentence structures while ensuring grammatical accuracy. This can be done by incorporating more subordinate clauses and complex sentences. Additionally, proofreading for minor grammatical and punctuation errors would enhance clarity and precision in communication.

Bài sửa mẫu

The bar chart depicts the average time commuters spent getting to work in four distinct Australian cities between 2002 and 2010. Overall, Sydney had the longest average travel time throughout this period, while Adelaide had the shortest.

From 2002 to 2010, Sydney’s average travel time ranged between 35 and 40 minutes, with gradual increases of 2 to 3 minutes. Furthermore, Brisbane, which ranked second, had an average commute time ranging from approximately 25 to over 35 minutes, with variations of about 3 minutes.

Residents of Perth spent approximately 25 minutes commuting to work from 2002 to 2008. However, there was a significant rise in travel times, which reached over 33 minutes by the end of the period. In contrast, Adelaide experienced only a slight increase from 2002 to 2008, starting at around 24 minutes and rising to just above 27 minutes before returning to 24 minutes in 2010.