The table below shows the income and expenditure of Harckley Hall, a public place for hiring over the period of 3 years.

The table below illustrates the income and outcome of Harckley Hall, a public facility for recruiting over three years. Overall, the income and expenditure were both higher in the second year, and equal in the third year.

During the first year, the profit was higher with a total of 9.000 pounds, which is more than in the other years, since the expenditure was lower, and the funding from other bodies was higher. According to the data, the first year was also the year where the income of the cafe was the lowest(3.000 pounds), and throughout the years it grew.

Furthermore, on the graph, we can see that year three was the year with the least profit, this is because the total income equals the total expenditure(71.000) In this year the funding from the local council was also minor(15.000) in comparison to the previous years (20,000) The income of hiring room was larger in the second year (34.000) and it declined in the third year (32.000)

Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

"The table below illustrates" -> "The table illustrates"
Explanation: Removing "below" simplifies the phrase while maintaining clarity and formality, as "the table" is already visually presented in the context.
"over three years" -> "over a period of three years"
Explanation: "Over a period of three years" is a more formal and precise way to specify the duration, enhancing the academic tone.
"income and outcome" -> "revenue and expenses"
Explanation: "Revenue and expenses" is a more specific and accurate term in financial contexts, replacing the vague "income and outcome."
"was higher" -> "increased"
Explanation: "Increased" is a more precise and formal verb for describing changes in financial data.
"with a total of 9.000 pounds" -> "amounting to £9,000"
Explanation: "Amounting to" is a more formal expression for indicating a total value, and using the pound symbol (£) is more appropriate in British English.
"which is more than in the other years" -> "which exceeded those in other years"
Explanation: "Exceeded those in other years" is more precise and formal, avoiding the casual construction "which is more than."
"the funding from other bodies was higher" -> "funding from external sources was higher"
Explanation: "Funding from external sources" is more specific and formal than "funding from other bodies."
"the first year was also the year where the income of the cafe was the lowest" -> "the first year saw the lowest cafe income"
Explanation: "Saw the lowest cafe income" is more concise and maintains a formal tone.
"it grew" -> "it increased"
Explanation: "Increased" is a more precise and formal term than "grew" in this context.
"the year with the least profit" -> "the year with the lowest profit"
Explanation: "Lowest" is the correct comparative form for "profit" in this context.
"this is because" -> "this was due to"
Explanation: "This was due to" is a more formal and academically appropriate way to introduce a cause-and-effect relationship.
"the funding from the local council was also minor" -> "funding from the local council was also minimal"
Explanation: "Minimal" is more precise and formal than "minor" in describing the amount of funding.
"in comparison to the previous years" -> "compared to previous years"
Explanation: "Compared to previous years" is a more formal and concise way to express comparative analysis.
"The income of hiring room" -> "Income from room rentals"
Explanation: "Income from room rentals" is a clearer and more formal way to describe the type of income.
"declined in the third year" -> "decreased in the third year"
Explanation: "Decreased" is a more formal synonym for "declined" in financial contexts.

Band điểm Task Achivement ước lượng: 5

Band Score: 5.0

Explanation: The essay generally addresses the task, but the format is inappropriate in places. The essay does not present a clear overview of the main trends in the data. The essay recounts detail mechanically with no clear overview. The essay presents, but inadequately covers, key features/bullet points. There is a tendency to focus on details.

How to improve: The essay should present a clear overview of the main trends in the data. The essay should also highlight the key features/bullet points in the data. The essay should avoid focusing on details and instead focus on presenting a clear and concise overview of the data. For example, the essay could state that the total income increased over the three years, but the profit decreased. The essay could also highlight the fact that the income from the cafe increased over the three years, while the income from the hiring room decreased.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 5

Band Score: 5.0
Explanation: The essay presents information with some organization, but there are noticeable issues with overall progression. While it attempts to summarize the data, the connections between ideas are not always clear, leading to confusion in understanding the trends over the three years. The use of cohesive devices is inadequate and at times inaccurate, which affects the clarity of the relationships between the points made. Paragraphing is present but not effectively utilized, as some ideas are jumbled together without clear separation.
How to improve: To enhance coherence and cohesion, the writer should focus on creating clearer topic sentences for each paragraph that directly relate to the data being discussed. Additionally, improving the use of cohesive devices by ensuring they accurately reflect the relationships between ideas will help. More attention should be given to logical progression, ensuring that each point builds on the previous one. Finally, organizing the essay into distinct paragraphs that each cover a specific aspect of the data will improve clarity.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 5

Band Score: 5.0
Explanation: The essay demonstrates a limited range of vocabulary that is minimally adequate for the task. While some attempts are made to use specific terms related to the topic (e.g., "income," "expenditure," "profit"), the vocabulary is generally basic and lacks variety. There are noticeable errors in word choice, such as "outcome" instead of "expenditure," and "recruiting" instead of "renting" or "hiring." Additionally, there are issues with spelling and punctuation, such as "9.000 pounds" instead of "£9,000" and missing spaces before parentheses. These errors may cause some difficulty for the reader, impacting overall clarity.

How to improve: To enhance lexical resource, the writer should aim to incorporate a wider range of vocabulary, including more sophisticated and precise terms related to finance and public facilities. Practicing the use of synonyms and learning collocations can help improve word choice. Additionally, attention should be paid to spelling and punctuation to avoid errors that could hinder comprehension. Reading more academic texts and practicing paraphrasing can also aid in developing a more varied vocabulary.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6.0
Explanation: The essay demonstrates a mix of simple and complex sentence forms, which is characteristic of a Band 6 score. While there are some grammatical errors and punctuation issues, they do not significantly impede communication. The writer attempts to convey information clearly, but there are noticeable inaccuracies and awkward phrasing that detract from the overall quality. For example, phrases like "the income and outcome" and "the year where the income of the cafe was the lowest" could be expressed more clearly. Additionally, there are punctuation errors, such as missing commas and incorrect spacing around parentheses.

How to improve: To achieve a higher band score, the writer should focus on the following areas:

Increase Sentence Variety: Incorporate a wider range of complex sentence structures to enhance the overall grammatical range.
Enhance Accuracy: Pay closer attention to grammatical rules, particularly subject-verb agreement and the correct use of articles. For example, "the income and outcome" should be "the income and expenditure."
Punctuation and Clarity: Ensure proper punctuation, especially around clauses and lists. For instance, using commas appropriately will improve readability.
Refine Vocabulary: Use more precise vocabulary to convey ideas more clearly, which can also help in reducing awkward phrasing.

Bài sửa mẫu

The table below illustrates the income and expenditure of Harckley Hall, a public facility for hiring over three years. Overall, both the income and expenditure were higher in the second year, while they were equal in the third year.

During the first year, the profit was highest, with a total of £9,000, which is more than in the other years, as the expenditure was lower and the funding from other bodies was higher. According to the data, the first year was also when the income from the café was the lowest (£3,000), and it grew over the years.

Furthermore, the data shows that year three had the least profit, as the total income equaled the total expenditure (£71,000). In this year, the funding from the local council was also lower (£15,000) in comparison to the previous years (£20,000). The income from hiring rooms was larger in the second year (£34,000) but declined in the third year (£32,000).