The table below shows the proportion of women in the labor force and women in management in five countries. Summarise the information by selecting and reporting the main features and making comparisons where relevant.

The table below shows the proportion of women in the labor force and women in management in five countries.
Summarise the information by selecting and reporting the main features and making comparisons where relevant.

The given table provides numbers about women in the workforce and in administration between 5 different countries: Australia, Egypt, Sri Lanka, Japan and the United States in percentage.
Overall, the proportion of females in the labor pool of Sri Lanka and Japan is predominant compared to the quantity of those who work in management, except for America, Australia, and Egypt, which seems fairly gender-balanced. Furthermore, according to the data, America has the largest quantity of working females, while Egypt has the smallest proportion, highlighting the cultural preferences and gender discrimination in different countries.
On the one hand, nearly half of the population in the Japanese workforce is female, 48%, almost the same as in Sri Lanka, 42%, which is in strong contrast with the percentage of women participating in managerial, followed by 17% in the former and 9% in the latter, with the similar 30-33% gap between them. With a quick glance, Egypt’s proportion seems balanced, with 20% in the labor force and 12% in management with an 8% gap, but with a deeper examination, only 32% of Egypt’s women are contributing to the economy, whilst 68% of them are not, exhibit the depraved custom.
On the other hand, Australia and the United States both account for a total of approximately 85-86% of the women population working, and the same quantity of 43% of women positioned in management, holds the striking number of the whole chart, express strongly the strength of developed countries

Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

"numbers about women in the workforce and in administration" -> "data regarding women’s participation in the workforce and management"
Explanation: "Data" is a more formal term than "numbers," and "regarding" is more precise than "about." Additionally, "women’s participation" is clearer and more specific than "women in the workforce."
"the proportion of females in the labor pool of Sri Lanka and Japan is predominant" -> "the proportion of women in the labor force of Sri Lanka and Japan is significantly higher"
Explanation: "Significantly higher" provides a clearer comparison than "predominant," which can be vague. "Labor force" is a more standard term in academic writing than "labor pool."
"the quantity of those who work in management" -> "the number of individuals employed in management"
Explanation: "Number" is more precise than "quantity" in this context, and "individuals employed" is a more formal phrasing than "those who work."
"which seems fairly gender-balanced" -> "which appears relatively gender-balanced"
Explanation: "Appears" is more formal than "seems," and "relatively" is more precise than "fairly," enhancing the academic tone.
"the largest quantity of working females" -> "the highest proportion of working women"
Explanation: "Highest proportion" is more precise and formal than "largest quantity," which can be vague in this context.
"the smallest proportion" -> "the lowest proportion"
Explanation: "Lowest" is a more appropriate term than "smallest" when referring to percentages or proportions.
"highlighting the cultural preferences and gender discrimination in different countries" -> "illustrating the cultural norms and gender disparities across various countries"
Explanation: "Illustrating" is a more formal choice than "highlighting," and "cultural norms" is more precise than "cultural preferences." "Gender disparities" is a more academic term than "gender discrimination."
"nearly half of the population in the Japanese workforce is female, 48%" -> "approximately 48% of the Japanese workforce comprises women"
Explanation: "Approximately" is more formal than "nearly," and "comprises" is a more precise verb than "is."
"which is in strong contrast with the percentage of women participating in managerial" -> "which contrasts sharply with the percentage of women in managerial positions"
Explanation: "Contrasts sharply" is a more vivid and formal expression than "is in strong contrast," and "in managerial positions" is clearer than "participating in managerial."
"the similar 30-33% gap between them" -> "the comparable 30-33% gap between these figures"
Explanation: "Comparable" is a more formal term than "similar," and specifying "these figures" clarifies what is being compared.
"only 32% of Egypt’s women are contributing to the economy, whilst 68% of them are not, exhibit the depraved custom" -> "only 32% of women in Egypt contribute to the economy, while 68% do not, reflecting entrenched societal norms"
Explanation: "Contribute" is more direct than "are contributing," and "while" is more formal than "whilst." "Reflecting entrenched societal norms" is a more academic phrasing than "exhibit the depraved custom."
"both account for a total of approximately 85-86% of the women population working" -> "both account for approximately 85-86% of the female workforce"
Explanation: "Female workforce" is a more concise and formal term than "the women population working."
"the same quantity of 43% of women positioned in management" -> "the same proportion of 43% of women in management"
Explanation: "Proportion" is more appropriate than "quantity" in this context, enhancing clarity.
"holds the striking number of the whole chart" -> "represents a striking figure in the overall data"
Explanation: "Represents a striking figure" is clearer and more formal than "holds the striking number," and "overall data" is a more precise term.
"express strongly the strength of developed countries" -> "strongly illustrates the advantages of developed countries"
Explanation: "Strongly illustrates" is a more formal and precise phrase than "express strongly," and "advantages" is a clearer term than "strength" in this context.

Band điểm Task Achivement ước lượng: 5

Band Score: 5

Explanation: The essay attempts to address the task by providing an overview of the data, but the format is inappropriate in places. The essay does not present a clear overview of the main trends or differences in the data. The essay also does not adequately cover the key features of the data, focusing instead on details.

How to improve: The essay could be improved by providing a clearer overview of the main trends in the data. The essay could also be improved by focusing more on the key features of the data and providing more specific comparisons. For example, the essay could compare the proportion of women in the labor force in Japan and Sri Lanka to the proportion of women in management in those countries. The essay could also compare the proportion of women in the labor force in Egypt to the proportion of women in management in that country.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6.0

Explanation: The essay presents information in a coherent manner, with a clear overall progression of ideas. It effectively arranges the data from the table and makes comparisons between the countries. However, there are instances of mechanical cohesion, such as the overuse of phrases like "on the one hand" and "on the other hand," which can disrupt the flow. The referencing is not always clear, particularly when discussing the percentages, which may confuse the reader. Additionally, while paragraphing is present, it could be more logically structured to enhance clarity and coherence.

How to improve: To achieve a higher band score, the essay could benefit from a more varied use of cohesive devices to avoid mechanical repetition. Ensuring that references to data are clear and consistent would also help improve coherence. Additionally, refining the paragraph structure to better separate distinct ideas and comparisons would enhance the overall logical flow of the essay.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6.0

Explanation: The essay demonstrates an adequate range of vocabulary appropriate for the task. It attempts to use less common vocabulary, such as "predominant," "administration," and "depraved custom," but there are instances of inaccuracy in word choice and collocation, such as "the quantity of those who work in management" and "exhibit the depraved custom." There are also some errors in spelling and word formation, such as "express strongly the strength of developed countries," which affects clarity. Overall, while the vocabulary used does allow for communication of the main ideas, the inaccuracies and errors prevent it from reaching a higher band.

How to improve: To enhance the lexical resource score, the writer should focus on using a wider range of vocabulary with greater precision and accuracy. This includes ensuring that word choices are appropriate for the context and that collocations are used correctly. Additionally, minimizing spelling and word formation errors will help improve clarity. Practicing with more complex vocabulary and varying sentence structures can also contribute to a more sophisticated use of language.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6.0

Explanation: The essay demonstrates a mix of simple and complex sentence forms, which is characteristic of a Band 6 score. While there are some complex structures present, the overall grammatical range is limited, and there are noticeable errors in grammar and punctuation that occasionally hinder communication. For instance, phrases like "the quantity of those who work in management" and "exhibit the depraved custom" are awkwardly constructed and may confuse the reader. Additionally, there are issues with subject-verb agreement and word choice that detract from the overall clarity of the essay.

How to improve: To achieve a higher band score, the writer should focus on increasing the variety and complexity of sentence structures while ensuring grammatical accuracy. This can be done by practicing the use of subordinate clauses and ensuring that all sentences are clear and coherent. Additionally, proofreading for grammatical errors and awkward phrasing can enhance the overall quality of the writing. Engaging with more complex ideas and expressing them clearly will also help in demonstrating a better command of the language.

Bài sửa mẫu

The given table presents data on the proportion of women in the workforce and in management across five different countries: Australia, Egypt, Sri Lanka, Japan, and the United States, expressed as percentages. Overall, the proportion of females in the labor force in Sri Lanka and Japan is significantly higher compared to those in management positions. In contrast, the figures for the United States, Australia, and Egypt appear to be more gender-balanced. Furthermore, according to the data, the United States has the highest percentage of working females, while Egypt has the lowest, reflecting cultural preferences and gender disparities in various countries.

On one hand, nearly half of the workforce in Japan consists of women, at 48%, which is almost equivalent to the 42% in Sri Lanka. This stands in stark contrast to the percentage of women in managerial roles, with only 17% in Japan and 9% in Sri Lanka, resulting in a similar gap of 30-33% between the two figures. At first glance, Egypt’s proportions appear balanced, with 20% of women in the labor force and 12% in management, indicating an 8% gap. However, upon closer examination, it becomes evident that only 32% of women in Egypt are contributing to the economy, while 68% are not, highlighting significant cultural issues.

On the other hand, Australia and the United States both report approximately 85-86% of the female population participating in the workforce, with an identical figure of 43% in management positions. This striking statistic underscores the strength of developed countries in promoting gender equality in the labor market.