The table below shows the proportion of women in the labor force and women in management in five countries. Summarise the information by selecting and reporting the main features and making comparisons where relevant.

The table below shows the proportion of women in the labor force and women in management in five countries.
Summarise the information by selecting and reporting the main features and making comparisons where relevant.

The table depicts the specific comparison towards the percentage of women in management and labor career positions. Overall, human resources allocation in the labor force by gender witnessed a balance in most countries, except for Egypt. Nonetheless, women in upper management recorded a comparative equal rate compared to men in both Australia and The United States, opposed to the remaining countries.

Japan secured the highest percentage of women attending physical works, at 48% which approximately balances that of men. Notwithstanding, there is an immense disparity in the management rate between both genders, with the figure of women being much less than that of men, at 17% and 83% respectively. Notably, this issue is seriously emphasized in Sri Lanka, with only 9% of women holding management roles while 42% of them attend the labor force. Egypt records an unbalance in percentage of attending workforce in both sexes, with only 20% women participating in the labor force and 12% of them attending management.

The United States and Australia remain in equilibrium in the working market among the contributing percentage of men and women. Meanwhile, the figure of American women in physical work constitute a comparatively equal rate compared to men, at 46%, followed by Australia with a lower proportion of 42%. In terms of management positions, both countries witness a relative lower proportion of women, at 43%.

Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

"The table depicts the specific comparison towards the percentage of women in management and labor career positions." -> "The table illustrates the specific comparison of the percentage of women in management and labor career positions."
Explanation: The word "depicts" is somewhat vague and less precise than "illustrates," which is more commonly used in academic contexts to describe the presentation of data.
"human resources allocation in the labor force by gender witnessed a balance" -> "the allocation of human resources in the labor force by gender shows a balance"
Explanation: "Witnessed" is an awkward choice here; "shows" is more direct and appropriate for describing the presentation of data. Additionally, "allocation of human resources" is more formal and precise than "human resources allocation."
"women in upper management recorded a comparative equal rate" -> "women in upper management achieved a comparable rate"
Explanation: "Recorded" is less formal and slightly awkward in this context. "Achieved" is more precise and formal, and "comparable" is the correct term for comparing rates.
"opposed to the remaining countries" -> "in contrast to the other countries"
Explanation: "Opposed to" is informal and can imply a negative connotation. "In contrast to" is neutral and more suitable for academic writing.
"human resources allocation" -> "the allocation of human resources"
Explanation: Adding "the" before "allocation of human resources" makes the phrase more grammatically correct and formal.
"there is an immense disparity" -> "there exists a significant disparity"
Explanation: "There is" is too informal and vague for academic writing; "there exists" is more formal and precise. "Immense" can be replaced with "significant" to maintain a formal tone.
"the figure of women being much less than that of men" -> "the proportion of women being significantly lower than that of men"
Explanation: "The figure of" is less precise and informal; "the proportion of" is more appropriate for discussing numerical data. "Significantly lower" is also more formal than "much less."
"this issue is seriously emphasized" -> "this disparity is particularly notable"
Explanation: "Seriously emphasized" is informal and vague. "Particularly notable" is more precise and formal, fitting the academic style.
"only 20% women participating in the labor force and 12% of them attending management" -> "only 20% of women participate in the labor force, with 12% holding management positions"
Explanation: The original phrasing is awkward and unclear. The revised version clarifies the relationship between the percentages and the activities they refer to.
"The United States and Australia remain in equilibrium" -> "The United States and Australia exhibit equilibrium"
Explanation: "Remain in equilibrium" is less direct and slightly awkward. "Exhibit equilibrium" is more concise and formal.
"the figure of American women in physical work constitute a comparatively equal rate" -> "the proportion of American women in physical work is comparable to that of men"
Explanation: "Constitute a comparatively equal rate" is awkward and unclear. "Is comparable to that of men" is clearer and more formal.
"a relative lower proportion of women" -> "a relatively lower proportion of women"
Explanation: "Relative" should be "relatively" to correctly modify "lower."

Band điểm Task Achivement ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6

Explanation: The essay addresses the requirements of the task by providing an overview of the information in the table. It selects and reports the main features, making comparisons where relevant. For example, the essay highlights the fact that women in management positions are significantly underrepresented in Japan and Sri Lanka, while the United States and Australia have a more balanced representation. However, the essay does not fully extend the key features and some details are irrelevant or inaccurate. For example, the essay states that "the figure of American women in physical work constitute a comparatively equal rate compared to men, at 46%," but this is not accurate as the table shows that 46% of American women are in the labor force, not specifically in physical work.

How to improve: The essay could be improved by providing more specific and accurate details about the key features. For example, instead of saying that "women in upper management recorded a comparative equal rate compared to men in both Australia and The United States," the essay could state that "women in management positions in Australia and the United States represent 43% of the workforce, which is a higher proportion than in other countries." The essay could also be improved by using more precise language and avoiding unnecessary repetition. For example, instead of saying "the figure of women being much less than that of men," the essay could say "women are significantly underrepresented in management positions."

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6.0

Explanation: The essay arranges information and ideas coherently, presenting a clear overall progression from the introduction to the body paragraphs. However, while the essay uses cohesive devices effectively, there are instances where cohesion between sentences could be improved, leading to a somewhat mechanical flow. The referencing is not always clear, and the paragraphing is present but could be more logically structured to enhance clarity. Overall, the essay meets the criteria for Band 6 due to its coherent arrangement of ideas and some effective use of cohesive devices, despite the noted issues.

How to improve: To achieve a higher band score, the writer should focus on enhancing the logical flow between sentences and paragraphs. This can be done by using a wider range of cohesive devices and ensuring that each paragraph clearly supports a central topic. Additionally, improving the clarity of referencing and reducing any mechanical use of cohesive devices would strengthen the overall coherence and cohesion of the essay.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6.0

Explanation: The essay demonstrates an adequate range of vocabulary relevant to the task, with some attempts to use less common lexical items. However, there are noticeable inaccuracies in word choice and collocation, such as "human resources allocation" instead of "gender representation" or "gender distribution," and "physical works" instead of "physical labor." Additionally, errors in spelling and word formation, such as "unbalance" instead of "imbalance," are present but do not significantly impede communication. Overall, while the vocabulary used is adequate for the task, the inaccuracies and errors prevent it from reaching a higher band score.

How to improve: To enhance the lexical resource score, the writer should focus on using a wider range of vocabulary with greater precision. This includes selecting more appropriate terms and phrases that accurately convey the intended meaning. Additionally, practicing spelling and word formation to minimize errors will help improve clarity. Engaging with more complex vocabulary and idiomatic expressions can also contribute to achieving a higher band score.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6.0

Explanation: The essay demonstrates a mix of simple and complex sentence forms, which is characteristic of a Band 6 score. While there are some effective sentence structures, the essay contains several grammatical errors and awkward phrasing that occasionally hinder clarity. For instance, phrases like "the specific comparison towards the percentage" and "an unbalance in percentage of attending workforce" are not idiomatic and could be expressed more clearly. Additionally, there are punctuation errors, such as the lack of a comma after "48%," which affects the overall readability. However, the meaning is still conveyed, and the errors do not completely obscure communication.

How to improve: To achieve a higher band score, the writer should focus on the following areas:

Enhance Sentence Variety: Incorporate a wider range of complex structures while ensuring accuracy. This could involve using more subordinate clauses and varied conjunctions to create more sophisticated sentences.
Minimize Errors: Pay attention to grammatical accuracy and punctuation. Proofreading for common errors, such as subject-verb agreement and article usage, can significantly improve the overall quality.
Use Idiomatic Expressions: Aim to use more natural and idiomatic phrases. For example, instead of "an unbalance in percentage," consider "an imbalance in the percentage."
Clarify Comparisons: Ensure that comparisons are clearly articulated and logically structured to enhance coherence and cohesion in the essay.

Bài sửa mẫu

The table depicts a comparison of the percentage of women in management and labor positions across five countries. Overall, the allocation of human resources in the labor force by gender shows a balance in most countries, except for Egypt. However, women in upper management recorded a relatively equal rate compared to men in both Australia and the United States, in contrast to the other countries.

Japan secured the highest percentage of women in physical jobs, at 48%, which approximately balances that of men. Nevertheless, there is a significant disparity in the management rate between both genders, with the figure for women being much lower than that for men, at 17% and 83% respectively. This issue is particularly pronounced in Sri Lanka, where only 9% of women hold management roles while 42% participate in the labor force. Egypt shows an imbalance in the percentage of workforce participation between the sexes, with only 20% of women involved in the labor force and 12% in management.

The United States and Australia maintain equilibrium in the labor market regarding the contributing percentages of men and women. In the United States, the proportion of women in physical jobs is relatively equal to that of men, at 46%, followed by Australia with a lower proportion of 42%. In terms of management positions, both countries exhibit a relatively low proportion of women, at 43%.