The Table below shows the results of a survey that asked 6800 Scottish adults (aged 16 years and over) whether they had taken part in different cultural activities in the past 12 months.

The table illustrates the answers of 6800 people (from ages 16 and more in Scotland) about the activities that they had joined in relating to culture.
Overall, people at most ages prefer to participate in Any performance. In contrast, the proportion of the general public who joined Computer based was almost least. Only people in 45-74 enjoy making crafts most.
In the younger group from 16-44, the public in large register into Any performance account for the biggest proportion. The proportion of activities was sequentially reduced 5% from 22% in 25-44 together with Over 16 from 22% to 19%. A similar reduction could be found in the Any visual arts classes in the youngest group from 35%. However, these entertaining activities still take over a large number of participants. In comparison, there was a significant difference in the percentage of the participants in the Computer based class with only 10%, 9% and 6% learners based on the 16-24, 25-44 as well as Over 16 group respectively.
For the elderly group, they mostly love enjoying the Undertaking any crafts class with 22% agreement. Following the categories were Cultural purchases with 18% and Any performance with 17%. On the contrary, only 5% of the general public chose to join the Any writing class or Computer based class per each.

Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

"The table illustrates the answers of 6800 people" -> "The table presents the responses of 6800 individuals"
Explanation: Replacing "answers" with "responses" and "people" with "individuals" refines the academic tone and aligns with formal language usage, enhancing the professionalism of the introduction.
"from ages 16 and more" -> "from the age of 16 and above"
Explanation: "From ages 16 and more" is somewhat informal and vague. "From the age of 16 and above" is more precise and formal, suitable for an academic context.
"relating to culture" -> "related to culture"
Explanation: The phrase "relating to culture" is slightly redundant. "Related to culture" is more concise and maintains the formal tone.
"people at most ages" -> "individuals across most age groups"
Explanation: "People at most ages" is awkward and unclear. "Individuals across most age groups" is clearer and more appropriate for formal writing, specifying the scope of the data.
"prefer to participate in Any performance" -> "prefer to engage in various performances"
Explanation: "Any performance" is too vague and informal. "Various performances" is more specific and academically appropriate, indicating a range of activities rather than a single one.
"the proportion of the general public who joined Computer based was almost least" -> "the proportion of the general public participating in computer-based activities was the lowest"
Explanation: "Was almost least" is informal and imprecise. "Was the lowest" is direct and clear, and "computer-based activities" is a more formal term than "Computer based."
"Only people in 45-74 enjoy making crafts most" -> "Individuals aged 45-74 predominantly engage in craft-making"
Explanation: "Only people in 45-74 enjoy making crafts most" is informal and lacks precision. "Individuals aged 45-74 predominantly engage in craft-making" is more formal and specific, enhancing clarity and formality.
"the public in large register into" -> "a large number of individuals registered for"
Explanation: "The public in large register into" is awkward and unclear. "A large number of individuals registered for" is clearer and more formal, appropriate for academic writing.
"the biggest proportion" -> "the largest proportion"
Explanation: "Biggest" is less formal than "largest," which is preferred in academic contexts for describing quantities.
"A similar reduction could be found in the Any visual arts classes in the youngest group from 35%" -> "A similar decline was observed in the participation rates for visual arts classes among the youngest group, decreasing by 35%"
Explanation: "A similar reduction could be found" is somewhat vague and informal. "A similar decline was observed" is more precise and formal, and specifying "participation rates" and "decreasing by 35%" adds clarity and specificity.
"entertaining activities still take over a large number of participants" -> "entertainment activities continue to attract a significant number of participants"
Explanation: "Take over a large number of participants" is informal and imprecise. "Continue to attract a significant number of participants" is more formal and accurately describes the ongoing engagement in these activities.
"only 5% of the general public chose to join the Any writing class or Computer based class per each" -> "only 5% of the general public chose to participate in either the writing or computer-based classes"
Explanation: "Per each" is informal and unclear. "Either the writing or computer-based classes" is clearer and more formal, avoiding the awkward phrasing of "per each."

Band điểm Task Achivement ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6.0

Explanation: The essay provides an overview of the main trends in the data, but it does not fully extend the key features. For example, the essay states that "people at most ages prefer to participate in Any performance," but it does not provide any specific data to support this claim. The essay also presents some irrelevant details, such as the statement that "the proportion of activities was sequentially reduced 5% from 22% in 25-44 together with Over 16 from 22% to 19%." This information is not relevant to the task, which is to provide an overview of the main trends in the data.

How to improve: The essay could be improved by providing more specific data to support the claims made. For example, the essay could state that "the highest percentage of people in all age groups participated in Any performance, with 35% of 16-24 year olds, 22% of 25-44 year olds, 17% of 45-74 year olds, and 22% of all adults aged 16 and over participating in this activity." The essay could also be improved by removing irrelevant details. For example, the statement about the sequential reduction in the proportion of activities could be removed.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 5

Band Score: 5.0

Explanation:
The essay presents information with some organization but lacks overall progression. It attempts to group data by age ranges but lacks clarity in transitioning between different groups, resulting in a somewhat disjointed presentation. There are some attempts at using cohesive devices, but they are often inadequate or inaccurate, leading to repetitive phrasing and unclear relationships between ideas. The essay does use paragraphing, though not always logically, as seen in abrupt transitions between different age groups and activities.

How to improve:

Structure and Progression: Ensure a clearer progression of ideas. Organize information in a more logical sequence, perhaps by starting with a general overview and then delving into specifics.
Cohesive Devices: Use cohesive devices more effectively to connect ideas within and between sentences. This includes appropriate referencing and substitution to avoid repetitive language.
Paragraphing: Improve logical paragraphing by clearly introducing and developing topics within each paragraph. Ensure transitions between paragraphs are smooth and coherent.

By addressing these areas, the essay can achieve better coherence and cohesion, thereby improving its overall readability and clarity.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 4

Band Score: 4.0

Explanation:
The essay demonstrates a limited range of vocabulary, often using repetitive and basic vocabulary. There are numerous instances of unclear or awkward phrasing that hinder communication. The essay lacks variety and sophistication in lexical choices, which makes it challenging to convey precise meanings effectively. There are also multiple errors in word choice and word formation, such as "largest register into Any performance," "enjoying the Undertaking any crafts class," and "only 5% of the general public chose to join the Any writing class or Computer based class per each."

How to improve:
To improve, focus on expanding the range of vocabulary used. Aim to incorporate more varied and precise vocabulary that is appropriate for describing statistical data. Work on clarity of expression and sentence structure to avoid ambiguity and improve coherence. Pay attention to accurate word choice and practice forming sentences with correct grammar and spelling to enhance readability and communication effectiveness.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 5

Band Score: 5.0

Explanation:
The essay demonstrates an attempt to convey information about the survey results, but it struggles with grammatical accuracy and sentence structure. There are frequent errors in grammar and punctuation throughout the essay, which sometimes make it challenging to follow the intended meaning. The use of sentence structures is limited, with a mix of simple and occasionally complex sentences attempted. The attempt to use complex sentences is evident but often leads to inaccuracies.

How to improve:

Grammar and Punctuation: Focus on improving accuracy by practicing sentence construction and reviewing basic grammar rules, particularly verb forms and sentence structure.
Sentence Structure: Aim for a more consistent use of sentence structures. Introduce more complex structures gradually, ensuring they are used correctly to avoid confusion.
Clarity and Cohesion: Work on clarity by ensuring each sentence is clear and directly contributes to the overall coherence of the essay. Pay attention to transitions between ideas to improve flow.

Improving these areas will help in achieving higher band scores by enhancing the clarity and accuracy of the essay.

Bài sửa mẫu

Certainly! Here’s an improved version of the IELTS Task 1 report based on the original input, focusing on refining grammar, structure, and clarity while retaining the original data and vocabulary as closely as possible:

The table presents findings from a survey of 6800 Scottish adults aged 16 and above regarding their participation in various cultural activities over the past year.

Overall, the most popular cultural activity across all age groups was Any performance, with the highest participation rates. Conversely, Computer based activities saw the least engagement among the general public. Notably, individuals aged 45-74 showed a particular preference for crafting activities.

Among younger adults (aged 16-44), a significant majority favored Any performance, comprising the largest proportion at 22%. Participation rates in this category decreased sequentially by 5%, from 22% among 25-44-year-olds to 19% among those aged 16-24. Similarly, Any visual arts classes experienced a decrease of 35% within the youngest age bracket, though they continued to attract substantial participation.

In contrast, Computer based activities exhibited significant disparities across age groups, with only 10%, 9%, and 6% of participants in the 16-24, 25-44, and over 16 age groups, respectively.

Among older adults (45-74 years), the most favored activity was Undertaking any crafts, with 22% participation. This was followed by Cultural purchases at 18% and Any performance at 17%. Conversely, participation rates in Any writing and Computer based classes were notably lower, chosen by only 5% of respondents in each category.

This revised version maintains the original structure and data while enhancing clarity and precision of expression, aligning with IELTS Task 1 writing standards.