The table demonstrates the difficulties that children in two specific primary schools faced from 2005 to 2015.

The table demonstrates the difficulties that children in two specific primary schools faced from 2005 to 2015.
Generally, while most of the proportions of students with different education challenges in school A decreased, the opposite was true for school B. In addition, school A held the higher position of the period shown.
In 2005, the percentage of children experiencing obstacles in reading in school A and school B was 22% and 8%, respectively. After the ten following years, the figures for two schools increased gradually by 1% each. Meanwhile, there was a drop from 30% to 25% of students with handwriting problems in school A, whilst that of school B saw a double growth from 5% to 10%.
Turning to the remaining problems, in 2005, it is recorded that there were 35% of students having complications with either expressing ideas verbally or listening in school A, compared to those who encountered problems in concentrating on lessons and following instructions, with approximately 40% each. Over the ten-year period, all these figures witnessed significant declines to around 20% each. In contrast, while the proportions of school B students confronting listening, verbal expression, and instructions following issues climbed progressively to around 12% each in 2015, that of children found focusing on lessons difficult levelled out at 15% in the last year.

Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

"Generally, while most of the proportions of students with different education challenges in school A decreased, the opposite was true for school B." -> "In contrast, while the proportion of students with various educational challenges in school A generally decreased, that in school B increased."
Explanation: The original phrase is somewhat awkward and unclear. The suggested revision clarifies the comparison and uses more formal language.
"In addition, school A held the higher position of the period shown." -> "Moreover, school A maintained the higher ranking throughout the period depicted."
Explanation: "Held the higher position" is vague and informal. "Maintained the higher ranking" is more precise and appropriate for academic writing.
"the percentage of children experiencing obstacles in reading in school A and school B was 22% and 8%, respectively." -> "the proportion of children experiencing reading difficulties in school A and school B was 22% and 8%, respectively."
Explanation: "Obstacles in reading" is less specific than "reading difficulties," which is a more precise academic term.
"the figures for two schools increased gradually by 1% each." -> "the figures for both schools increased by 1% each."
Explanation: "Gradually" is redundant when "increased" already implies gradual change. Simplifying the phrase enhances clarity and formality.
"there was a drop from 30% to 25% of students with handwriting problems in school A, whilst that of school B saw a double growth from 5% to 10%." -> "school A experienced a decline from 30% to 25% in handwriting difficulties, whereas school B exhibited a doubling of such issues from 5% to 10%."
Explanation: "A drop" and "a double growth" are colloquial expressions. "Experienced a decline" and "exhibited a doubling" are more formal and precise.
"it is recorded that there were 35% of students having complications with either expressing ideas verbally or listening" -> "it was documented that 35% of students faced challenges in verbal expression or listening."
Explanation: "Having complications" is informal and vague. "Faced challenges" is more direct and appropriate for academic writing.
"compared to those who encountered problems in concentrating on lessons and following instructions, with approximately 40% each." -> "compared to those who faced challenges in concentrating on lessons and following instructions, with approximately 40% each."
Explanation: Consistency in verb usage ("faced challenges" instead of "encountered problems") maintains a formal tone.
"all these figures witnessed significant declines to around 20% each." -> "all these figures experienced significant declines to approximately 20% each."
Explanation: "Witnessed" is less formal than "experienced," which is more suitable for academic writing.
"In contrast, while the proportions of school B students confronting listening, verbal expression, and instructions following issues climbed progressively to around 12% each in 2015, that of children found focusing on lessons difficult levelled out at 15% in the last year." -> "In contrast, while the proportions of school B students facing difficulties in listening, verbal expression, and following instructions increased progressively to around 12% each in 2015, the proportion of students struggling to focus on lessons remained at 15% in the final year."
Explanation: "Confronting" is less formal and "found focusing on lessons difficult" is awkward. "Facing difficulties" and "struggling to focus on lessons" are more precise and formal.

Band điểm Task Achivement ước lượng: 7

Band Score: 7

Explanation: The essay covers the requirements of the task and presents a clear overview of the main trends in the data. The essay clearly presents and highlights key features/bullet points, but could be more fully extended. For example, the essay could have provided more specific details about the changes in the data, such as the percentage increase or decrease in each category.

How to improve: The essay could be improved by providing more specific details about the changes in the data. For example, the essay could have stated that the percentage of children experiencing obstacles in reading in school A increased by 1% from 2005 to 2015, while the percentage of children experiencing obstacles in reading in school B increased by 1%. The essay could also have provided more specific details about the trends in the data, such as the fact that the percentage of children with handwriting problems in school A decreased by 5% from 2005 to 2015, while the percentage of children with handwriting problems in school B increased by 5%.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 7

Band Score: 7.0

Explanation:
The essay logically organizes information and ideas, demonstrating clear progression throughout. Each paragraph focuses on specific aspects of the data, maintaining a clear central topic within each paragraph. A range of cohesive devices is used appropriately, although there are instances of under-use and over-use. For example, the use of "while," "in addition," "meanwhile," "turning to," and "in contrast" helps to connect ideas, but some transitions could be smoother.

How to improve:

Enhance Cohesion: Ensure that the use of cohesive devices is more varied and natural. Avoid overusing certain connectors and aim for a more seamless flow between sentences and ideas.
Paragraphing: Although the essay uses paragraphing effectively, it could benefit from more distinct separation between different types of data or trends. For instance, separating the discussion of each school’s data into different paragraphs could improve clarity.
Referencing: Improve the use of referencing to avoid repetition. For example, instead of repeating "school A" and "school B," use pronouns or other referencing techniques to make the text less repetitive.
Sentence Structure: Vary sentence structures to avoid mechanical cohesion. This will make the essay more engaging and easier to read.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6.0

Explanation: The essay demonstrates an adequate range of vocabulary relevant to the task, which allows for basic communication of ideas. However, it attempts to use less common vocabulary, such as "obstacles," "complications," and "proportions," but with some inaccuracies in word choice and collocation. For instance, phrases like "double growth" and "levelled out" may not be the most precise or natural expressions in this context. Additionally, there are some errors in spelling and word formation, such as "the figures for two schools increased gradually by 1% each," which could be more clearly expressed. These issues do not severely impede communication, but they do limit the overall effectiveness and sophistication of the lexical resource.

How to improve: To enhance the lexical resource score, the writer should focus on using a wider range of vocabulary with greater precision and appropriateness. This includes selecting more suitable synonyms and phrases that convey the intended meaning clearly. Additionally, minimizing errors in spelling and word formation will contribute to a more polished essay. Practicing the use of collocations and idiomatic expressions relevant to the topic can also help in achieving a higher band score.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6.0

Explanation: The essay demonstrates a mix of simple and complex sentence forms, which is characteristic of a Band 6 performance. The writer attempts to convey information clearly, but there are noticeable grammatical errors and issues with punctuation that occasionally hinder communication. For instance, phrases such as "the figures for two schools increased gradually by 1% each" and "that of children found focusing on lessons difficult levelled out at 15% in the last year" show some awkwardness and lack of clarity. While the overall meaning is still understandable, the errors are frequent enough to impact the reader’s experience.

How to improve: To achieve a higher band score, the writer should focus on enhancing grammatical accuracy by proofreading for errors and refining sentence structures. Increasing the use of complex sentences while ensuring they are grammatically correct can also improve the overall range. Additionally, paying attention to punctuation and ensuring that it aids clarity will help elevate the essay’s quality. Practicing with varied sentence structures and seeking feedback on grammatical accuracy can further support improvement.

Bài sửa mẫu

The table demonstrates the difficulties that children in two specific primary schools faced from 2005 to 2015. Generally, while the proportions of students with different educational challenges in School A decreased, the opposite trend was observed in School B. Additionally, School A maintained a higher position throughout the period shown.

In 2005, the percentage of children experiencing obstacles in reading in School A and School B was 22% and 8%, respectively. Over the following ten years, the figures for both schools increased gradually by 1% each. Meanwhile, there was a decline in the percentage of students with handwriting problems in School A, dropping from 30% to 25%, while School B experienced a doubling of this issue, increasing from 5% to 10%.

Turning to the remaining problems, in 2005, it was recorded that 35% of students in School A had complications with either expressing ideas verbally or listening, compared to approximately 40% of those who encountered difficulties in concentrating on lessons and following instructions. Over the ten-year period, all these figures saw significant declines to around 20% each. In contrast, the proportions of School B students facing issues with listening, verbal expression, and following instructions climbed progressively to around 12% each by 2015, while the percentage of children who found focusing on lessons difficult levelled out at 15% in the final year.