The table gives information about the problems faced by children in two primary schools in 2005 and 2015

The layout provides a breakdown of data on the issues dealt with by pupils in two primary schools over a 10-year time frame, commencing from 2005. Overall, the most striking feature is that almost all schools A experienced a decline in the issues that pupils need to resolve, the reverse is true for school B. Another notable point is that students at School A need to address more problems than those at School B.

To commence with, concentration in lessons and following instructions accounted for the highest proportion at school A in 2005, with approximately half. This was followed by spelling, listening skills, and verbal expressive of ideas, with over one quarter. Subsequently, two principal issues witnessed a free-fall decline during a decade to 18%. A similar trend was observed in the quantity of spelling, listening skills, and verbal expression of ideas, which registered a negligible descent of over 10%. In terms of handwriting, its volume experienced a period of stability, while reading ability rose by exactly 1% to 23% across ten years.

Notable, a marginal increase at school B was witnessed in the figures of reading ability, spelling, listening skills, verbal expressive of ideas, and following instructions, with the most noticeable disparity seen in following instructions and spelling, which was double its initial numbers. Regarding handwriting and concentration in lessons at School B leveled off compared to its initial level, reaching 7% and 15% respectively.

Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

"The layout provides a breakdown of data" -> "The table presents an analysis of the data"
Explanation: "Presents an analysis of" is more precise and academically appropriate than "provides a breakdown of," which can be vague and less formal.
"issues dealt with by pupils" -> "challenges faced by students"
Explanation: "Challenges faced by students" is more specific and formal than "issues dealt with by pupils," which sounds less formal and slightly awkward.
"the reverse is true for school B" -> "the opposite is observed in School B"
Explanation: "The opposite is observed in" is more formal and precise than "the reverse is true for," which is somewhat colloquial.
"students at School A need to address more problems than those at School B" -> "students at School A encounter a greater number of challenges than those at School B"
Explanation: "Encounter a greater number of challenges" is more formal and specific than "need to address more problems," which is somewhat vague and informal.
"To commence with" -> "To begin with"
Explanation: "To begin with" is a more standard and formal transitional phrase in academic writing compared to "To commence with," which is less commonly used.
"verbal expressive of ideas" -> "verbal expression of ideas"
Explanation: "Verbal expression of ideas" is the correct grammatical form, correcting the awkward and incorrect "verbal expressive of ideas."
"witnessed a free-fall decline" -> "experienced a significant decline"
Explanation: "Experienced a significant decline" is more precise and appropriate for academic writing than "witnessed a free-fall decline," which is colloquial and metaphorical.
"negligible descent of over 10%" -> "minimal decrease of approximately 10%"
Explanation: "Minimal decrease of approximately 10%" is clearer and more precise than "negligible descent of over 10%," which is awkward and less formal.
"Notable, a marginal increase" -> "Notably, a marginal increase"
Explanation: "Notably" is the correct adverb to use before "a marginal increase," providing a smoother transition and maintaining formality.
"the figures of" -> "the numbers of"
Explanation: "The numbers of" is more direct and appropriate in this context than "the figures of," which can be vague and less formal.
"verbal expressive of ideas" -> "verbal expression of ideas"
Explanation: Again, corrects the grammatical error in "verbal expressive of ideas" to "verbal expression of ideas."
"handwriting and concentration in lessons at School B leveled off" -> "handwriting and concentration in lessons at School B remained stable"
Explanation: "Remained stable" is more precise and formal than "leveled off," which is somewhat informal and less specific.

These changes enhance the academic tone and precision of the text, aligning it more closely with formal scholarly writing standards.

Band điểm Task Achivement ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6

Explanation: The essay provides an overview of the data, highlighting the main trends and differences between the two schools. The essay also presents key features/bullet points, but some details are irrelevant or inaccurate. For example, the essay states that "handwriting and concentration in lessons at School B leveled off compared to its initial level, reaching 7% and 15% respectively." However, the data shows that handwriting at School B remained stable at 7%, while concentration in lessons increased from 15% to 15%.

How to improve: The essay could be improved by providing more accurate and relevant details. The writer should also avoid making generalizations about the data, such as stating that "almost all schools A experienced a decline in the issues that pupils need to resolve." Instead, the writer should focus on specific trends and differences in the data.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6.0
Explanation: The essay presents information and ideas in a coherent manner, with a clear overall progression from the introduction through to the body paragraphs. However, while cohesive devices are used effectively, there are instances where the cohesion between sentences is somewhat mechanical, and referencing could be clearer. The paragraphing is present but not always logical, as some ideas could be better grouped together for clarity.
How to improve: To enhance coherence and cohesion, the writer should focus on using a wider range of cohesive devices more naturally, ensuring that transitions between sentences and paragraphs flow smoothly. Additionally, improving the logical grouping of ideas within paragraphs would strengthen the overall organization of the essay. Clearer referencing of subjects and issues discussed would also contribute to a more cohesive narrative.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6.0
Explanation: The essay demonstrates an adequate range of vocabulary relevant to the task. It attempts to use less common vocabulary, such as "free-fall decline" and "notable," but some inaccuracies and awkward phrases are present, such as "verbal expressive of ideas," which should be "verbal expression of ideas." There are also minor errors in word formation and spelling, such as "Notable" at the beginning of a sentence, which should be "Notably." These issues do not severely impede communication but do detract from overall clarity and precision.
How to improve: To enhance the lexical resource score, the writer should aim to use a wider range of vocabulary with greater precision and accuracy. This includes ensuring correct word forms and collocations. Additionally, incorporating more sophisticated vocabulary and phrases while avoiding repetition will improve fluency and flexibility in conveying meanings. Proofreading for spelling and grammatical accuracy can also help minimize errors.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6.0
Explanation: The essay demonstrates a mix of simple and complex sentence forms, with some grammatical errors and punctuation issues present. While the overall communication is clear and the main ideas are conveyed, certain errors do detract from the overall quality. For instance, phrases like "the reverse is true for school B" could be better structured, and there are instances of awkward phrasing such as "verbal expressive of ideas." Additionally, some sentences lack clarity due to grammatical inaccuracies, which may cause minor confusion for the reader.

How to improve:

Enhance Sentence Variety: Incorporate a wider range of complex sentence structures to demonstrate greater grammatical range. This can be achieved by using subordinate clauses more effectively.
Focus on Accuracy: Review the essay for grammatical errors and awkward phrases. Proofreading can help identify and correct these issues before submission.
Clarify Ideas: Ensure that all phrases are clear and precise. For example, consider rephrasing "verbal expressive of ideas" to "verbal expression of ideas" for clarity.
Punctuation Practice: Pay attention to punctuation rules, particularly with commas and conjunctions, to improve the overall flow and readability of the essay.

Bài sửa mẫu

The layout provides a breakdown of data on the issues faced by pupils in two primary schools over a 10-year period, commencing from 2005. Overall, the most striking feature is that almost all issues at School A experienced a decline, while the reverse is true for School B. Another notable point is that students at School A needed to address more problems than those at School B.

To begin with, concentration in lessons and following instructions accounted for the highest proportion at School A in 2005, with approximately half. This was followed by spelling, listening skills, and verbal expression of ideas, each comprising over one quarter. Subsequently, two principal issues witnessed a significant decline over the decade, dropping to 18%. A similar trend was observed in the areas of spelling, listening skills, and verbal expression of ideas, which registered a slight decrease of over 10%. In terms of handwriting, its level remained stable, while reading ability rose by exactly 1% to 23% over the ten years.

Notably, a marginal increase was observed at School B in the figures for reading ability, spelling, listening skills, verbal expression of ideas, and following instructions, with the most noticeable disparity seen in following instructions and spelling, which doubled their initial numbers. Regarding handwriting and concentration in lessons at School B, these levels remained unchanged compared to their initial figures, reaching 7% and 15% respectively.