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The table gives statistics showing the aspects of quality of life in five countries.

The table gives statistics showing the aspects of quality of life in five countries.

The provided table illustrates the information on four main indicators that demonstrated the standard of living in five countries in 1982

A glance at the table reveals that the USA has the highest aspects of standard life compared to the remaining nations. Whereas Bangladesh displayed the opposite, it has the lowest quality of life.

As can be seen in the table, when it comes to GNP per head, the USA- one of the most developed countries in the world reached 13160 US dollars, which was almost 100 times higher than that of Bangladesh. The income per capita in Egypt appeared in second place with 690. Whereas Bolivia and Indonesia had an equal GNP rate, less than 600 for each. Following a similar trend as the figure of profits per head, Americans consumed 3653 calories each day doubling around 2 times higher than Bangladesh. Egypt also ate a considerable amount of food, accounting for 2950 calories daily. The range of scales of Bolivia, Egypt, and Indonesia were quite similar, roughly 2000.

When it comes to life expectancy, the USA still took the lead with 74 years old, nearly as twice as Bangladesh. The average longevity of the rest countries just ranks at around 50. Regarding infant mortality, Bangladesh had much worse in this category with 132 counts per 1000 live births, as opposed to 12 deaths in the USA due to a high-quality lifestyle. Followed by Bolivia had a significant figure of 124. The motility rate of an infant in Egypt and Indonesia was quite high with less than 100 cases


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Errors and Improvements:

  1. "standard of living" -> "quality of life"
    Explanation: Replacing "standard of living" with "quality of life" is a more precise and commonly used term in academic contexts when referring to the overall well-being and conditions of a population.

  2. "the highest aspects of standard life" -> "the highest quality of life"
    Explanation: Changing "aspects of standard life" to "quality of life" provides a more accurate and formal expression, aligning with academic language conventions.

  3. "Whereas Bangladesh displayed the opposite, it has the lowest quality of life." -> "In contrast, Bangladesh exhibited the opposite trend, having the lowest quality of life among the nations."
    Explanation: The suggested revision maintains a formal tone and improves clarity by rephrasing the sentence for better flow and precision.

  4. "GNP per head" -> "Gross National Product per capita"
    Explanation: Replacing "GNP per head" with "Gross National Product per capita" is a more specific and standard term, enhancing the academic tone and clarity of the sentence.

  5. "reached 13160 US dollars" -> "amounted to 13,160 US dollars"
    Explanation: The suggested change provides a more formal and precise way of expressing the GNP value.

  6. "doubling around 2 times higher than Bangladesh" -> "approximately twice as high as that of Bangladesh"
    Explanation: The revision offers a more formal and clearer representation of the comparison between the caloric consumption in the USA and Bangladesh.

  7. "considerable amount of food" -> "significant quantity of food"
    Explanation: Substituting "considerable amount of food" with "significant quantity of food" adds precision and formality to the description of food consumption.

  8. "The range of scales of Bolivia, Egypt, and Indonesia were quite similar" -> "Bolivia, Egypt, and Indonesia exhibited comparable scales"
    Explanation: The suggested change enhances the formality and clarity of the sentence by using more precise language to describe the similarity in GNP rates.

  9. "life expectancy" -> "average life expectancy"
    Explanation: Adding "average" before "life expectancy" contributes to a more accurate and formal expression in academic writing.

  10. "nearly as twice as Bangladesh" -> "almost twice that of Bangladesh"
    Explanation: The suggested revision provides a more formal and concise way of expressing the comparison of life expectancy between the USA and Bangladesh.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 8

Band Score for Task Response: 8

  • Answer All Parts of the Question:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay adequately addresses all parts of the question. It correctly identifies and discusses the main indicators of the quality of life in five countries based on the provided table.
    • How to improve: To enhance completeness, consider explicitly mentioning the time frame (1982) mentioned in the prompt when introducing the table. Additionally, strive for a smoother transition between introducing the table and presenting the content.
  • Present a Clear Position Throughout:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay maintains a clear position throughout, consistently highlighting the disparities in the quality of life among the five countries, with a focus on the USA having the highest standard of living.
    • How to improve: Ensure that the introduction explicitly states the essay’s standpoint, providing a roadmap for the reader. This can enhance overall coherence and guide the reader through the essay’s argument.
  • Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay effectively presents, extends, and supports ideas. It provides detailed information on GNP per head, calorie consumption, life expectancy, and infant mortality in each country.
    • How to improve: Consider integrating more transitions between ideas to enhance the flow. Additionally, ensure that each idea is fully developed before moving on to the next one.
  • Stay on Topic:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay generally stays on topic, providing relevant information on the quality of life indicators for the specified countries.
    • How to improve: Be cautious of occasional minor deviations, such as when discussing the consumption of calories. Ensure that all information directly relates to the quality of life as presented in the table.

Overall, this essay effectively addresses the task, maintaining a consistent position and providing detailed information on the quality of life indicators. To further improve, focus on explicit framing of the timeframe, enhance transitions between ideas, and remain vigilant about maintaining direct relevance to the topic.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 6

  • Organize Information Logically:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a basic level of logical organization. The introduction provides an overview of the main indicators but lacks clarity. The body paragraphs, while discussing GNP per head, calorie consumption, and life expectancy, are somewhat disjointed and could benefit from a more cohesive structure. For instance, a clearer progression from one indicator to the next would improve the overall coherence.
    • How to improve: To enhance logical flow, consider restructuring the introduction for better clarity. In the body paragraphs, ensure a smooth transition between topics by using explicit linking sentences. Create a clear hierarchy of information, possibly organizing data from the highest to lowest values to improve the essay’s overall coherence.
  • Use Paragraphs:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay uses paragraphs to separate ideas, but there are issues with structure and effectiveness. Some paragraphs cover multiple indicators, making it challenging for the reader to follow the discussion. Additionally, paragraphing does not consistently aid the development of ideas.
    • How to improve: Refine paragraph structure by focusing each paragraph on a specific indicator. For instance, have separate paragraphs for GNP per head, calorie consumption, and life expectancy. This will contribute to a more organized and reader-friendly essay. Additionally, ensure that each paragraph has a clear topic sentence and supports a central idea.
  • Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay employs some cohesive devices, such as "As can be seen" and "When it comes to," but the use is limited. The lack of a variety of cohesive devices affects the overall cohesion. Moreover, the connection between ideas within and between sentences could be strengthened.
    • How to improve: Introduce a wider range of cohesive devices, such as transitional phrases (e.g., "Furthermore," "Moreover") and pronouns to establish clear connections between ideas. Ensure that the relationships between sentences are explicit, guiding the reader through the essay more smoothly. This will enhance the overall cohesion of the essay.

Overall, while the essay provides a basic understanding of the statistics, improvements in logical organization, paragraph structure, and the use of cohesive devices will contribute to a more coherent and cohesive response.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 6

  • Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a satisfactory range of vocabulary. It effectively uses words and phrases to convey the information, such as "standard of living," "GNP per head," and "life expectancy." However, there is room for improvement as certain terms are repeated, for instance, the frequent use of "quality of life" and "standard of living." A more diverse selection of synonyms and varied expressions could enhance the lexical richness of the essay.
    • How to improve: To expand the vocabulary range, consider incorporating synonyms and alternative expressions. For example, instead of repeatedly using "standard of living," you might employ terms like "living standards," "quality of life," or "well-being." Additionally, vary sentence structures to introduce new vocabulary naturally.
  • Use Vocabulary Precisely:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay generally uses vocabulary accurately, but there are instances where imprecise or repetitive language is employed. For example, the repeated use of "standard of living" could be replaced with more specific terms such as "living conditions," "quality of life," or "socioeconomic status." Additionally, the phrase "the figure of profits per head" might benefit from a more precise description, like "income per capita."
    • How to improve: Aim for precision by selecting terms that precisely convey the intended meaning. Review the essay for repetitive phrases and replace them with synonyms or more specific language. Consider using varied vocabulary to describe economic indicators and avoid overusing certain terms.
  • Use Correct Spelling:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay generally maintains correct spelling throughout. However, there are some minor errors, such as "motility" instead of "mortality" and "highest aspects" which could be refined to "highest indicators." These instances do not significantly impede understanding, but attention to detail can enhance overall spelling accuracy.
    • How to improve: Pay close attention to spelling details, especially with terms related to key indicators. Proofread the essay carefully to catch any minor spelling errors. Consider using spell-check tools or seeking feedback from peers to ensure high spelling accuracy. Additionally, be mindful of terminology to avoid unintended errors.

Overall, while the essay demonstrates a commendable understanding of the topic and vocabulary usage, refining and diversifying vocabulary choices, enhancing precision, and ensuring meticulous spelling can contribute to further improvement.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 7

  • Use a Wide Range of Structures:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay exhibits a variety of sentence structures, including simple, compound, and complex sentences. For instance, there are simple sentences like "A glance at the table reveals that the USA has the highest aspects of standard life," compound sentences like "The income per capita in Egypt appeared in second place with 690," and complex sentences like "When it comes to life expectancy, the USA still took the lead with 74 years old, nearly as twice as Bangladesh." These structures contribute to overall clarity and coherence.

    • How to improve: While the essay demonstrates a commendable range of structures, there is room for improvement in the complexity and sophistication of sentence structures. Incorporating more complex sentence structures, such as those with subordinate clauses or varied sentence beginnings, can enhance the overall fluency and richness of the essay. For example, instead of repetitive use of "When it comes to," consider employing diverse sentence openers like "In terms of," or "Regarding."

  • Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay generally maintains grammatical accuracy; however, there are instances of errors. For example, "standard life" should be replaced with "standard of living." Additionally, there are punctuation errors, such as missing commas after introductory phrases, e.g., "As can be seen in the table" and inconsistent use of hyphens in GNP per head.

    • How to improve: To improve grammatical accuracy, it’s crucial to carefully proofread the essay for errors and consider sentence structure when revising. Specifically, attention should be given to subject-verb agreement and the correct usage of prepositions. Regarding punctuation, a focus on consistent use of commas and other punctuation marks will contribute to clearer and more precise writing. For instance, revise the sentence to read: "As can be seen in the table, the USA has the highest standard of living compared to the remaining nations."

Overall, the essay demonstrates a solid command of grammar and a good range of sentence structures. To elevate the score to an 8, further refinement of grammatical accuracy and incorporation of more sophisticated sentence structures are recommended.

Bài sửa mẫu

The presented table provides information on four key indicators reflecting the standard of living in five countries in 1982.

Upon reviewing the table, it is evident that the United States boasts the highest standard of living among the nations, while Bangladesh exhibits the opposite trend, having the lowest quality of life.

Examining the data in the table, the Gross National Product (GNP) per capita for the USA, one of the world’s most developed countries, amounted to 13,160 US dollars, nearly 100 times higher than that of Bangladesh. Egypt follows with an income per capita of 690, while Bolivia and Indonesia share a similar GNP rate, both less than 600. Corresponding to the GNP per capita figures, Americans consumed a significant quantity of food, with a daily intake of 3,653 calories, approximately twice as high as that of Bangladesh. Egypt also had a substantial food consumption, with an average of 2,950 calories daily. Bolivia, Egypt, and Indonesia exhibited comparable scales, averaging around 2,000.

Turning to life expectancy, the USA continues to lead with an average of 74 years, almost twice that of Bangladesh. The average longevity of the other countries hovers around 50 years. In terms of infant mortality, Bangladesh has a considerably higher rate with 132 deaths per 1,000 live births, in stark contrast to the USA, which records only 12 deaths due to a high-quality lifestyle. Bolivia follows closely with a significant figure of 124. The infant mortality rates in Egypt and Indonesia are also relatively high, with less than 100 cases.

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