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The table shows information about students studying in six different departments at an Australian university in 2009. Summarise the information by selecting and reporting the main features, and make comparisons where relevant.

The table shows information about students studying in six different departments at an Australian university in 2009. Summarise the information by selecting and reporting the main features, and make comparisons where relevant.

The given table demonstrates data about people learning in six subjects at an Australian university in the year 2009.
Overall, English accounted for the highest proportion of females. Additionally, there was a majority of students whose native language is not English leaning modern languages. Moreover, this class had the significant number of students who were born outside Australia engaging in.
Taking a closer look, there are 67 percent females taking part in English classes, which was 4 percent more than the similar number of modern languages. 58 was the percentage of women studying history. The corresponding for maths was 42 percent. In addition, the number of physics and chemistry were 37 and 29 percent respectively.
Regarding the percentage of whose whose mother tongue was not English, modern languages had the highest percentage of such students, at 41 percent that nearly tripled the figure for English and quadrupled for history. Other sectors had the proportion varied slightly, ranging from 32 percent to 38 percent.
Looking at where students were born, The first, second and third positions were modern languages, chemistry and physics respectively, at 54, 47 and 44 percent. The figure for Maths was 43 percent, which was 16 precent lower than the number of English and 25 percent less than that of history.


Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

  1. "demonstrates data about" -> "presents data on"
    Explanation: "Presents" is more formal and precise than "demonstrates," and "on" is a more appropriate preposition for discussing the subject of data.

  2. "the highest proportion of females" -> "the highest proportion of female students"
    Explanation: Specifying "female students" clarifies the subject and maintains academic precision.

  3. "whose native language is not English leaning modern languages" -> "whose native language is not English studying modern languages"
    Explanation: "Studying" is more accurate than "leaning," which is vague and incorrectly used in this context.

  4. "the significant number of students who were born outside Australia engaging in" -> "a significant number of students who were born outside Australia engaging in"
    Explanation: Adding "a" improves grammatical correctness and clarity.

  5. "67 percent females taking part in English classes" -> "67 percent of the participants in English classes were female"
    Explanation: This phrasing clarifies the subject and improves grammatical structure by including "of the participants."

  6. "which was 4 percent more than the similar number of modern languages" -> "which was 4 percent higher than that of modern languages"
    Explanation: "Higher than that of" is more precise and formal than "more than the similar number of."

  7. "58 was the percentage of women studying history" -> "The percentage of women studying history was 58 percent"
    Explanation: This rephrasing improves clarity and follows a more conventional sentence structure.

  8. "The corresponding for maths was 42 percent" -> "The corresponding percentage for mathematics was 42 percent"
    Explanation: "Mathematics" is the formal term, and the phrase is restructured for clarity.

  9. "the number of physics and chemistry were 37 and 29 percent respectively" -> "the percentages for physics and chemistry were 37 percent and 29 percent, respectively"
    Explanation: This change clarifies that "number" refers to percentages and maintains a formal tone.

  10. "the percentage of whose whose mother tongue was not English" -> "the percentage of students whose mother tongue was not English"
    Explanation: The repetition of "whose" is corrected, and specifying "students" clarifies the subject.

  11. "at 41 percent that nearly tripled the figure for English and quadrupled for history" -> "at 41 percent, which nearly tripled the figure for English and quadrupled that for history"
    Explanation: Adding "which" improves grammatical flow and clarity.

  12. "the proportion varied slightly, ranging from 32 percent to 38 percent" -> "the proportions varied slightly, ranging from 32 percent to 38 percent"
    Explanation: Changing "the proportion" to "the proportions" clarifies that multiple subjects are being discussed.

  13. "Looking at where students were born, The first, second and third positions were modern languages, chemistry and physics respectively" -> "Examining the birthplaces of students, the first, second, and third positions were modern languages, chemistry, and physics, respectively"
    Explanation: "Examining" is more formal than "looking at," and adding commas improves readability.

  14. "which was 16 precent lower than the number of English and 25 percent less than that of history" -> "which was 16 percent lower than that of English and 25 percent lower than that of history"
    Explanation: Correcting "precent" to "percent" and maintaining parallel structure improves clarity and accuracy.

Band điểm Task Achivement ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6

Explanation: The essay provides an overview of the main features of the data, but it does not fully satisfy all the requirements of the task. The essay does not present a clear overview of the main trends, differences or stages. For example, the essay states that "Modern languages had the highest percentage of such students, at 41 percent that nearly tripled the figure for English and quadrupled for history." However, the essay does not provide any further analysis of this trend. The essay also presents and adequately highlights key features/ bullet points, but details may be irrelevant, inappropriate or inaccurate. For example, the essay states that "The figure for Maths was 43 percent, which was 16 precent lower than the number of English and 25 percent less than that of history." However, the essay does not provide any context for these figures.

How to improve: The essay could be improved by providing a clearer overview of the main trends, differences or stages. The essay could also be improved by providing more relevant and accurate details. For example, the essay could provide a more detailed analysis of the trend in the percentage of students whose mother tongue was not English. The essay could also provide more context for the figures presented.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 5

Band Score: 5.0

Explanation: The essay presents information with some organization, but there is a noticeable lack of overall progression. While it attempts to summarize the data, the flow of ideas is not always clear, leading to confusion in understanding the relationships between the various statistics. The use of cohesive devices is inadequate and at times inaccurate, such as "the corresponding for maths was 42 percent," which lacks clarity. Additionally, there are instances of repetition, particularly in the way percentages are presented. Paragraphing is attempted but is not always logical or effective, which detracts from the overall coherence of the essay.

How to improve: To enhance coherence and cohesion, the writer should focus on logically organizing information and ensuring a clear progression of ideas. Using a wider range of cohesive devices appropriately, while avoiding repetition, would strengthen the essay. Clear referencing and substitution can help to connect ideas more effectively. Furthermore, improving the structure of paragraphs to ensure each one presents a clear central topic would aid in achieving a higher band score.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 5

Band Score: 5.0

Explanation: The essay demonstrates a limited range of vocabulary that is minimally adequate for the task. While it attempts to convey information about the data presented in the table, the vocabulary used is basic and repetitive, which detracts from the overall clarity and effectiveness of the communication. There are noticeable errors in word choice, such as "the significant number of students who were born outside Australia engaging in," which is incomplete and unclear. Additionally, spelling errors like "precent" instead of "percent" and awkward phrasing, such as "the corresponding for maths was 42 percent," indicate a lack of control over word formation. These issues may cause some difficulty for the reader in understanding the message.

How to improve: To enhance the lexical resource score, the writer should aim to incorporate a wider range of vocabulary, including less common lexical items that are relevant to the context. This can be achieved by practicing synonyms and varying sentence structures. Additionally, careful proofreading to eliminate spelling and grammatical errors will improve clarity. Using precise language and ensuring that all sentences are complete and coherent will also contribute to a higher score in this criterion.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 5

Band Score: 5.0

Explanation: The essay demonstrates a limited range of grammatical structures, with attempts at complex sentences that are often inaccurate. While there are some correct simple sentences, the frequent grammatical errors, such as incorrect phrasing ("the significant number of students who were born outside Australia engaging in"), and issues with punctuation, hinder clarity and coherence. Additionally, the sentence structures are sometimes awkward, which can cause difficulty for the reader in understanding the intended meaning. Overall, the essay meets the criteria for Band 5 due to these limitations in grammatical range and accuracy.

How to improve: To achieve a higher band score, the writer should focus on expanding their range of sentence structures, ensuring that complex sentences are used accurately. It is also important to proofread for grammatical errors and punctuation mistakes. Practicing the construction of clear and coherent sentences, as well as using a variety of linking words and phrases, can enhance the overall fluency and accuracy of the writing.

Bài sửa mẫu

The given table demonstrates data about students studying in six different departments at an Australian university in the year 2009. Overall, English accounted for the highest proportion of female students. Additionally, there was a majority of students whose native language was not English enrolled in modern languages. Moreover, this subject had a significant number of students who were born outside Australia.

Taking a closer look, 67 percent of the students in English classes were female, which was 4 percent higher than the corresponding figure for modern languages. The percentage of women studying history was 58 percent, while for mathematics, it was 42 percent. In addition, the proportions for physics and chemistry were 37 percent and 29 percent, respectively.

Regarding the percentage of students whose mother tongue was not English, modern languages had the highest percentage of such students at 41 percent, which was nearly triple the figure for English and quadruple that for history. The proportions in other subjects varied slightly, ranging from 32 percent to 38 percent.

Looking at the birthplace of the students, the first, second, and third positions were occupied by modern languages, chemistry, and physics, respectively, with percentages of 54, 47, and 44 percent. The figure for mathematics was 43 percent, which was 16 percent lower than that of English and 25 percent less than that of history.

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