The unemployment rates in the UK, the rest of Europe and Japan, 1993 - 2007

The unemployment rates in the UK, the rest of Europe and Japan, 1993 – 2007

The line graph delineates how many people worked unemployed in the UK and the rest of Europe and Japan from 1993 to 2007.
Overall, there was a downward trajectory in the proportion of unemployment in Europe and the UK, with the most drastic decline witnessed in that of the UK, the reverse was true for the figure for Japan. In addition, the data of people who did not have a job in Europe generally had by far the highest figure from 1993 onwards.
The number of people who were jobless in the UK started at approximately 11% in 1993, after which it witnessed a dramatic decrease to around 5% in 2003 Conversely, the figure for Europe was recorded at around 9% in 1993, followed by decline over 8% after 10 years. A similar change can be seen in the figure for those in Japan, which experienced a three- fold increase from exactly 2% to 6% in 2003.
From 2003 to 2007, the data for the UK was hiked at 6%, despite a stability of around 5% between 2001 and 2005. Subsequently, the figure for unemployed European people deteriorated rapidly and consistently, reaching just under 8% in the last year examined. Finally, it is clear to note that the number of people who were out of work in Japan dropped significantly to 4% in 2007.

Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

"worked unemployed" -> "unemployed"
Explanation: The phrase "worked unemployed" is redundant. "Unemployed" alone is sufficient and more precise in this context, indicating people without jobs.
"the rest of Europe" -> "other European countries"
Explanation: "The rest of Europe" is vague and informal. "Other European countries" is more specific and formal, suitable for academic writing.
"the reverse was true for the figure for Japan" -> "the trend was opposite in Japan"
Explanation: "The reverse was true" is a colloquial expression. "The trend was opposite" is more formal and academically appropriate.
"the data of people who did not have a job" -> "the unemployment rates"
Explanation: "The data of people who did not have a job" is awkward and verbose. "The unemployment rates" is a standard term in economic and statistical contexts, enhancing clarity and formality.
"by far the highest figure" -> "the highest rate"
Explanation: "By far the highest figure" is informal and slightly vague. "The highest rate" is more precise and commonly used in statistical discussions.
"witnessed a dramatic decrease" -> "experienced a significant decline"
Explanation: "Witnessed a dramatic decrease" uses emotional language ("dramatic"). "Experienced a significant decline" is more neutral and suitable for academic writing.
"after which it witnessed" -> "following which it decreased"
Explanation: "After which it witnessed" is awkward and verbose. "Following which it decreased" is more concise and maintains the formal tone.
"the figure for Europe was recorded at around 9%" -> "the unemployment rate in Europe was approximately 9%"
Explanation: "The figure for Europe was recorded at around 9%" is unclear and informal. "The unemployment rate in Europe was approximately 9%" clarifies the context and uses precise terminology.
"decline over 8%" -> "decrease to around 8%"
Explanation: "Decline over 8%" is grammatically incorrect. "Decrease to around 8%" corrects the grammar and clarifies the direction of the change.
"a three- fold increase" -> "a threefold increase"
Explanation: "A three- fold increase" is grammatically incorrect. "A threefold increase" is the correct form, enhancing readability and professionalism.
"hiked at 6%" -> "increased to 6%"
Explanation: "Hiked at 6%" is an incorrect usage. "Increased to 6%" is the correct phrase for describing an upward change in a measurement.
"deteriorated rapidly and consistently" -> "steadily increased"
Explanation: "Deteriorated rapidly and consistently" incorrectly implies a negative change. "Steadily increased" correctly describes the upward trend in unemployment rates.
"just under 8%" -> "approximately 8%"
Explanation: "Just under 8%" is informal and imprecise. "Approximately 8%" is more appropriate for academic writing, providing a clear and formal expression of proximity.
"it is clear to note" -> "it is evident that"
Explanation: "It is clear to note" is redundant. "It is evident that" is a more concise and formal way to introduce a conclusion or observation in academic writing.

Band điểm Task Achivement ước lượng: 7

Band Score: 7

Explanation: The essay covers the requirements of the task and presents a clear overview of the main trends in the data. The essay highlights the key features of the data, such as the downward trend in unemployment in the UK and Europe, and the upward trend in Japan. However, the essay could be more fully extended by providing more detailed analysis of the data. For example, the essay could discuss the reasons for the trends in unemployment in each country.

How to improve: The essay could be improved by providing more detailed analysis of the data. For example, the essay could discuss the reasons for the trends in unemployment in each country. The essay could also be improved by using more precise language to describe the data. For example, instead of saying "the figure for Europe was recorded at around 9% in 1993," the essay could say "the unemployment rate in Europe was 9% in 1993."

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6.0

Explanation: The essay presents information and ideas in a coherent manner, with a clear overall progression from the introduction to the conclusion. However, while cohesive devices are used effectively, there are instances where cohesion between sentences may be mechanical or slightly faulty. For example, phrases like "Conversely" and "Finally" are used, but the transitions could be smoother to enhance the flow of ideas. Additionally, paragraphing is present but could be improved for logical organization, as some ideas seem to overlap without clear separation.

How to improve: To achieve a higher band score, the writer should focus on improving the logical flow of ideas between sentences and paragraphs. This can be done by using a wider range of cohesive devices and ensuring that each paragraph has a clear central topic. Additionally, refining the use of transitions to create smoother connections between ideas will enhance coherence. Finally, ensuring that paragraphing is more distinct and logically organized will contribute to a clearer overall structure.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6.0

Explanation: The essay demonstrates an adequate range of vocabulary relevant to the task, with some attempts to use less common lexical items. However, there are noticeable inaccuracies in word choice and collocation, such as "the number of people who worked unemployed" which is awkwardly phrased. Additionally, there are errors in spelling and word formation, such as "hiked" which is not the most appropriate term in this context, and "deteriorated rapidly and consistently" which could be more clearly expressed. These issues do not completely impede communication, but they do detract from the overall clarity and precision of the essay.

How to improve: To achieve a higher band score, the writer should focus on expanding their vocabulary and using more precise and contextually appropriate terms. Additionally, paying attention to collocation and ensuring that phrases are grammatically correct will enhance clarity. Reducing errors in spelling and word formation will also contribute to a stronger performance in the Lexical Resource criteria. Engaging with a wider range of vocabulary through reading and practice can help in achieving this improvement.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6.0

Explanation: The essay demonstrates a mix of simple and complex sentence forms, which is characteristic of a Band 6 score. While it conveys the main ideas and trends from the graph, there are noticeable grammatical errors and awkward phrasing that occasionally hinder clarity. For instance, phrases like "the reverse was true for the figure for Japan" and "the data for the UK was hiked at 6%" could be clearer and more accurately expressed. Additionally, there are punctuation issues, such as the missing comma before "Conversely," which affects the flow of the text. Overall, while the essay communicates the essential information, the errors present do not significantly impede understanding but do indicate a need for improvement in grammatical accuracy and range.

How to improve: To enhance the grammatical range and accuracy, the writer should focus on the following areas:

Sentence Structure: Incorporate a wider variety of complex sentence structures while ensuring they are grammatically correct.
Punctuation: Pay closer attention to punctuation rules, particularly with conjunctions and transitional phrases, to improve clarity and flow.
Word Choice: Use more precise vocabulary to convey ideas effectively and avoid awkward phrasing.
Proofreading: Regularly review and edit the essay for grammatical errors and clarity to reduce mistakes and enhance overall coherence.

Bài sửa mẫu

The line graph delineates the unemployment rates in the UK, the rest of Europe, and Japan from 1993 to 2007. Overall, there was a downward trajectory in the proportion of unemployment in Europe and the UK, with the most drastic decline observed in the UK. Conversely, the trend in Japan was the opposite. Additionally, the unemployment figures in Europe consistently remained the highest from 1993 onwards.

The number of unemployed individuals in the UK started at approximately 11% in 1993, followed by a dramatic decrease to around 5% in 2003. In contrast, the unemployment rate in Europe was recorded at around 9% in 1993, which declined to just over 8% after ten years. A similar trend can be seen in Japan, where the unemployment rate experienced a threefold increase from exactly 2% to 6% by 2003.

From 2003 to 2007, the unemployment rate in the UK rose to 6%, despite remaining stable at around 5% between 2001 and 2005. Subsequently, the unemployment figures for Europe deteriorated rapidly and consistently, reaching just under 8% in the final year examined. Finally, it is noteworthy that the unemployment rate in Japan dropped significantly to 4% in 2007.