The use of mobile phone is as antisocial as smoking. Smoking is banned in certain places so mobile phone should be banned like smoking. To what extend do you agree or disagree?

In recent years, several problems in societyhave emerged as warning issues, especially the smoking addiction and mobile phone addiction, that draws so much attention from people around the world as they can leave so many affects for people using it. Although several nations have enforce the law to banned the smoking in publicity, the using of cellphones has its own advantages when it comes to communication and entertainment that goverment should not prevent citizens from using it.
First, in compare with using cellphones, there are a myriad evidences about the harm of smoking. Many reserchers indicate that smoking is the underlying cause of the diseases that affect many organs in our body such as lung, heart, stomach… People with the history of exposure to smoking have higher incidence to get the disease like pneumonia, cardiac vascular disease and some kinds of cancers. Furthermore, not only does smoking affect poeple using it, but anyone with passive smoking can also be at high risk of diseases above. These medical situations can put more financial burdens for both the family and the society.
Second, using appropriately mobile phone can bring many advantages for our life. As they contain many recreational contents and applications such as youtube, facebook, tiktok, mobile phones have become one of the useful means of entertainment that anyone should have. For example, with just three minutes, people can easily watch a tiktok video with the diversity in the contents and informations as a way to relax themselves after intensive working. In addition, cellphones is the fastest way to communicate between people, instead of writing letters or other traditional information delivering. It ties people, families, coworkers all around the world closely, no matter where they are or what moment is and it make poople’s lives become more happy and attractive.
In conclusion, while prevention of smoking is very cricial because of the the undeniable harm on people’s health, the government should also concern on how they can encourage citizens using mobile phones in an appropriate way to make it become the tool that support our lives better.

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"several problems in societyhave emerged as warning issues" -> "several societal issues have emerged as warning signs"
Explanation: The phrase "warning issues" is vague and informal. "Warning signs" is more precise and appropriate for academic writing, indicating a clear indication of a problem.
"that draws so much attention from people around the world" -> "that has garnered significant global attention"
Explanation: "Draws so much attention" is informal and imprecise. "Has garnered significant global attention" is more formal and precise, fitting the academic style.
"can leave so many affects for people using it" -> "can have numerous adverse effects on individuals who use it"
Explanation: "Leave so many affects" is grammatically incorrect and informal. "Have numerous adverse effects" is grammatically correct and more formal.
"enforce the law to banned the smoking" -> "enforce laws to ban smoking"
Explanation: "Enforce the law to banned the smoking" is grammatically incorrect. "Enforce laws to ban smoking" corrects the grammar and enhances formality.
"the using of cellphones" -> "the use of cellphones"
Explanation: "The using of" is grammatically incorrect. "The use of" is the correct form.
"goverment" -> "government"
Explanation: "Goverment" is a spelling error. "Government" is the correct spelling.
"in compare with using cellphones" -> "in comparison to using cellphones"
Explanation: "In compare with" is grammatically incorrect. "In comparison to" is the correct preposition for comparisons.
"a myriad evidences" -> "a myriad of evidence"
Explanation: "Evidences" is not the correct plural form of "evidence." "A myriad of evidence" is grammatically correct and more formal.
"Many reserchers" -> "Many researchers"
Explanation: "Reserchers" is a spelling error. "Researchers" is the correct spelling.
"have higher incidence to get the disease" -> "are more likely to contract the disease"
Explanation: "Have higher incidence to get the disease" is awkward and unclear. "Are more likely to contract the disease" is clearer and more formal.
"poeple using it" -> "people who use it"
Explanation: "Poeple" is a spelling error. "People who use it" corrects the spelling and clarifies the subject.
"using appropriately mobile phone" -> "using mobile phones appropriately"
Explanation: "Using appropriately mobile phone" is grammatically incorrect. "Using mobile phones appropriately" corrects the grammatical structure.
"contain many recreational contents and applications" -> "contain numerous recreational content and applications"
Explanation: "Contents" should be singular to match "content," and "numerous" is more formal than "many."
"youtube, facebook, tiktok" -> "YouTube, Facebook, TikTok"
Explanation: Proper nouns should be capitalized. "YouTube," "Facebook," and "TikTok" are the correct forms.
"cellphones is the fastest way" -> "cellphones are the fastest means"
Explanation: "Cellphones is" is grammatically incorrect. "Cellphones are" corrects the subject-verb agreement, and "means" is more formal than "way."
"it make poople’s lives become more happy and attractive" -> "it makes people’s lives more happy and attractive"
Explanation: "It make" is grammatically incorrect. "It makes" corrects the verb tense, and "people’s lives" is the correct possessive form.
"the government should also concern on how they can encourage citizens using mobile phones" -> "the government should also consider how they can encourage citizens to use mobile phones"
Explanation: "Concern on" is incorrect. "Consider how" is the correct phrase, and "to use" is grammatically necessary.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Task Response: 7

Answer All Parts of the Question:
- Detailed explanation: The essay addresses the prompt by discussing both smoking and mobile phone usage, comparing their societal impacts. However, it does not explicitly state whether the author agrees or disagrees with the idea that mobile phones should be banned like smoking. The introduction hints at a disagreement but lacks a clear thesis statement that outlines the author’s position. The body paragraphs provide arguments for both sides but do not directly answer the prompt’s call for a personal stance.
- How to improve: To enhance the response, the author should clearly state their position in the introduction. A strong thesis statement that directly answers the prompt (e.g., "I disagree that mobile phones should be banned like smoking") would provide clarity. Additionally, each body paragraph should relate back to this position, reinforcing the argument throughout.
Present a Clear Position Throughout:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents a somewhat clear position against banning mobile phones; however, the lack of a definitive statement in the introduction leads to some ambiguity. The body paragraphs offer valid points supporting the benefits of mobile phones but do not consistently tie back to the central argument, which could confuse the reader about the author’s overall stance.
- How to improve: To maintain a clear position, the author should ensure that every paragraph supports the main argument. Using topic sentences that reflect the thesis and summarizing the position in the conclusion would help reinforce the stance throughout the essay.
Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents several ideas related to smoking and mobile phone usage, including health risks and social benefits. However, the development of these ideas is somewhat uneven. For instance, the discussion on smoking is more detailed and supported by specific health risks, while the benefits of mobile phones could be further elaborated with more examples or statistics to strengthen the argument.
- How to improve: To improve the support of ideas, the author should aim to provide more detailed examples and evidence, particularly for the benefits of mobile phones. Incorporating statistics, studies, or expert opinions could enhance the credibility of the arguments. Additionally, expanding on how mobile phones can be used responsibly would provide a more balanced view.
Stay on Topic:
- Detailed explanation: The essay generally stays on topic, focusing on the comparison between smoking and mobile phone usage. However, there are moments where the discussion veers slightly off course, particularly when discussing the recreational uses of mobile phones without clearly linking back to the argument against banning them. For example, the mention of TikTok videos, while relevant, could be more tightly connected to the overall argument.
- How to improve: To maintain focus, the author should ensure that every point made directly relates to the prompt. Using clear transitions and reminders of the main argument throughout the essay can help keep the discussion aligned with the topic. Additionally, avoiding overly broad statements that do not directly support the thesis will help maintain relevance.

In summary, while the essay demonstrates a good understanding of the topic and presents relevant arguments, improvements in clarity of position, development of ideas, and focus on the prompt will enhance the overall effectiveness of the response.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 7

Organize Information Logically:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents a clear argument structure, beginning with an introduction that outlines the topic and the writer’s stance. The first body paragraph effectively contrasts the dangers of smoking with the benefits of mobile phone usage. However, the transition between the two body paragraphs could be smoother; the connection between smoking and mobile phones is somewhat abrupt. For instance, the essay jumps from discussing smoking’s health impacts directly to the advantages of mobile phones without a clear linking statement that ties the two ideas together.
- How to improve: To enhance logical flow, consider using transitional phrases that explicitly relate the two topics. For example, a sentence like "While smoking poses significant health risks, mobile phones, when used responsibly, can enhance our quality of life" could serve as a bridge between the two paragraphs. Additionally, ensuring that each paragraph begins with a clear topic sentence that outlines its main idea can help guide the reader through the argument more effectively.
Use Paragraphs:
- Detailed explanation: The essay uses paragraphs effectively, with a clear introduction, two body paragraphs, and a conclusion. Each paragraph focuses on a distinct aspect of the argument, which helps in maintaining clarity. However, the body paragraphs could be more balanced in terms of length and depth. The first paragraph discussing smoking is more detailed and longer than the second paragraph on mobile phones, which may give the impression that the writer is placing more emphasis on the dangers of smoking.
- How to improve: To achieve better balance, consider expanding the second body paragraph to include more detailed examples or statistics about the positive impacts of mobile phones. This could involve discussing specific applications or societal benefits in greater depth. Additionally, ensuring that each paragraph contains a mix of general statements and specific examples can help maintain reader engagement and provide a more comprehensive view of each argument.
Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:
- Detailed explanation: The essay employs some cohesive devices, such as "first," "second," and "in addition," which help to organize the argument. However, the range of cohesive devices is somewhat limited, and the essay occasionally relies on simple conjunctions. For example, phrases like "not only… but also" are used effectively, but there are opportunities to incorporate more varied devices to enhance cohesion.
- How to improve: To diversify the use of cohesive devices, the writer could incorporate more complex linking phrases such as "on the other hand," "in contrast," or "consequently." Additionally, using pronouns and synonyms to refer back to previously mentioned ideas can help maintain cohesion without repetitive phrasing. For instance, instead of repeatedly using "mobile phones," the writer could use "they" or "these devices" in subsequent references to create a smoother reading experience.

Overall, while the essay demonstrates a solid understanding of the topic and presents a coherent argument, enhancing the logical flow, balancing paragraph content, and diversifying cohesive devices will contribute to achieving a higher band score in Coherence and Cohesion.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 6

Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a reasonable range of vocabulary, with terms such as "addiction," "entertainment," and "financial burdens." However, there are instances where the vocabulary is repetitive or lacks sophistication. For example, the phrase "many advantages for our life" could be enhanced by using more varied expressions such as "numerous benefits to our daily lives" or "significant contributions to our well-being." Additionally, phrases like "the using of cellphones" could be improved to "the use of cellphones" for better fluency.
- How to improve: To enhance vocabulary range, the writer should aim to incorporate synonyms and more complex phrases. Engaging with a thesaurus or vocabulary-building exercises can help diversify word choice. Practicing writing on various topics can also encourage the use of a broader vocabulary.
Use Vocabulary Precisely:
- Detailed explanation: There are several instances of imprecise vocabulary usage in the essay. For example, "the harm of smoking" could be more accurately expressed as "the detrimental effects of smoking," which conveys a clearer meaning. Additionally, the phrase "the using of cellphones" is awkward and incorrect; it should be "the use of cellphones." The term "poeple" is a misspelling that detracts from the overall precision of the essay.
- How to improve: To improve precision, the writer should focus on understanding the nuances of word meanings and their appropriate contexts. Reading more academic texts or high-quality articles can expose the writer to precise language usage. Furthermore, proofreading for clarity and correctness before submission can help catch errors and improve overall precision.
Use Correct Spelling:
- Detailed explanation: The essay contains several spelling errors, such as "societyhave" (should be "society have"), "enforce" (should be "enforced"), "reseachers" (should be "researchers"), "poeple" (should be "people"), and "cricial" (should be "critical"). These errors can distract the reader and undermine the credibility of the essay.
- How to improve: To enhance spelling accuracy, the writer should implement a consistent proofreading strategy, such as reading the essay aloud or using spell-check tools. Additionally, practicing spelling through writing exercises or flashcards can help reinforce correct spelling. Regularly reviewing commonly misspelled words can also be beneficial.

In summary, while the essay demonstrates a basic command of vocabulary, there are clear areas for improvement in range, precision, and spelling. By focusing on expanding vocabulary, using words more accurately, and enhancing spelling skills, the writer can work towards achieving a higher band score in Lexical Resource.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 6

Use a Wide Range of Structures:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates some variety in sentence structures, such as the use of complex sentences (e.g., "Although several nations have enforce the law to banned the smoking in publicity…"). However, there are instances of repetitive structures, particularly in the use of simple and compound sentences. The essay could benefit from more varied introductory phrases and clauses to enhance the flow and complexity of ideas. For example, the phrase "using appropriately mobile phone can bring many advantages for our life" could be restructured to include a conditional clause for greater sophistication.
- How to improve: To diversify sentence structures, the writer should practice incorporating conditional sentences, relative clauses, and participial phrases. For instance, instead of saying "the government should also concern on how they can encourage citizens using mobile phones," they could say, "the government should consider ways to encourage citizens to use mobile phones responsibly." This not only varies the structure but also clarifies the message.
Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:
- Detailed explanation: The essay contains several grammatical errors that detract from its clarity. For example, "have enforce the law to banned the smoking" should be corrected to "have enforced the law to ban smoking." Additionally, there are punctuation issues, such as missing commas in complex sentences and incorrect pluralization, as seen in "cellphones is the fastest way" (should be "cellphones are"). The misuse of "the" in "the the undeniable harm" is a typographical error that should be corrected.
- How to improve: To enhance grammatical accuracy, the writer should focus on subject-verb agreement, verb tense consistency, and the correct use of articles. Regular practice with grammar exercises and reviewing common grammatical rules can help. Additionally, proofreading for punctuation errors and typos before submission would greatly improve the overall quality of the writing. For instance, breaking down sentences into simpler components during revision can help identify and correct errors more easily.

In summary, while the essay demonstrates a basic understanding of grammatical structures, there is a need for greater variety and accuracy. By focusing on diversifying sentence structures and improving grammatical precision, the writer can enhance their overall score in this criterion.

Bài sửa mẫu

In recent years, several problems in society have emerged as warning signs, especially smoking addiction and mobile phone addiction, that have garnered significant global attention as they can have numerous adverse effects on individuals who use them. Although several nations have enforced laws to ban smoking in public places, the use of cellphones has its own advantages when it comes to communication and entertainment that the government should not prevent citizens from using.

First, in comparison to using cellphones, there is a myriad of evidence about the harm of smoking. Many researchers indicate that smoking is the underlying cause of diseases that affect many organs in our body, such as the lungs, heart, and stomach. People with a history of exposure to smoking are more likely to contract diseases like pneumonia, cardiovascular disease, and some types of cancer. Furthermore, not only does smoking affect people who use it, but anyone exposed to passive smoking can also be at high risk of the diseases mentioned above. These medical situations can put more financial burdens on both families and society.

Second, using mobile phones appropriately can bring many advantages to our lives. As they contain numerous recreational content and applications such as YouTube, Facebook, and TikTok, mobile phones have become one of the useful means of entertainment that everyone should have. For example, with just three minutes, people can easily watch a TikTok video with a diversity of content and information as a way to relax after intensive work. In addition, cellphones are the fastest means of communication between people, instead of writing letters or using other traditional methods of information delivery. They connect people, families, and coworkers all around the world closely, no matter where they are or what time it is, and they make people’s lives happier and more attractive.

In conclusion, while the prevention of smoking is very critical because of the undeniable harm to people’s health, the government should also consider how they can encourage citizens to use mobile phones in an appropriate way to make them a tool that supports our lives better.