The use of mobile phones is as antisocial as smoking. Smoking is banned in certain places so mobile phones should be banned like smoking. To what extent do you agree or disagree? Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience. Write at least 250 words.

The use of mobile phones is as antisocial as smoking. Smoking is banned in certain places so mobile phones should be banned like smoking.

To what extent do you agree or disagree?

Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience.

Write at least 250 words.

In today's world, there is a common belief that using smartphones is as detrimental as smoking, so people believe that they should be prohibited in specific areas as using cigarettes. While the use of mobile phones has negative effects on human life in a few aspects, I am convinced that there are more compelling reasons why they should not be banned in such places as smoking.

On the one hand, I need to admit that using smartphones can exert serious impacts on people's lives. To begin with, using smartphones over time can be as addictive as smoking. For instance, students are likely to spend a great deal of time watching exciting and entertaining videos on media, such as food reviews or romantic movies. Hence, these students might lack priority in their curriculums, then it can result in lower scores in their academic performance. Furthermore, both smoking and using phones have health risks. While smoking can lead to respiratory disease and lung cancer, the blue light, which comes from a technological screen has been scientifically proven to severely affect user's eyes. They can cause several orbital problems, such as rabid eyes or shortsightedness.

On the other hand, I am persuaded that there is stronger evidence why smartphones should not be banned in certain places. The primary reason is that given the advancement of technology, smartphones now can provide clients with the silent mode. Therefore, smartphone users can turn on this mode and not bother public areas or important conferences. Moreover, mobile phones have uses, while cigarettes are only for consumption. People need to use phones for a number of vital purposes, including making urgent calls or messages, and timely sharing information. If smartphones are banned in some places, such immediate activities may be not announced on time.

In conclusion, although smoking and using mobile phones have some similar negatives related to health and productivity, there are more reasonable grounds that they should not be prohibited in several areas. It is more appropriate to educate users how to use their mobile phones responsibly.

Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

Errors and Improvements:

1. "using smartphones is as detrimental as smoking" -> "using smartphones is as detrimental as smoking is"
   Explanation: Adding "is" at the end of the sentence creates parallelism and maintains grammatical correctness.

2. "they should be prohibited in specific areas as using cigarettes" -> "they should be prohibited in specific areas like cigarettes"
   Explanation: Replacing "as" with "like" improves the comparison, making it more concise and natural.

3. "On the one hand, I need to admit" -> "On the one hand, it must be acknowledged"
   Explanation: Substituting "I need to admit" with "it must be acknowledged" enhances formality and academic tone.

4. "exciting and entertaining videos on media" -> "exciting and entertaining videos on media platforms"
   Explanation: Adding "platforms" after "media" provides specificity and clarity to the sentence.

5. "these students might lack priority in their curriculums" -> "these students might prioritize less on their academic curriculum"
   Explanation: The suggested change offers a more refined expression, avoiding the use of "lack priority."

6. "severely affect user’s eyes" -> "severely affect users’ eyes"
   Explanation: Changing "user’s" to "users’" ensures correct possessive form, addressing the plural nature of the subject.

7. "cigarettes are only for consumption" -> "cigarettes are primarily for consumption"
   Explanation: Adding "primarily" provides a nuanced perspective, acknowledging other potential uses while emphasizing consumption.

8. "there is stronger evidence why smartphones should not be banned" -> "there is stronger evidence for not banning smartphones"
   Explanation: Restructuring the sentence improves clarity and aligns with a more formal tone.

9. "smartphones now can provide clients with the silent mode" -> "smartphones now offer users the silent mode"
   Explanation: Replacing "provide clients with" with "offer users" simplifies the sentence and maintains formality.

10. "not bother public areas or important conferences" -> "not disturb public areas or disrupt important conferences"
    Explanation: Substituting "bother" with "disturb" and "disrupt" improves precision and maintains a formal tone.

11. "such immediate activities may be not announced on time" -> "such urgent activities may not be announced promptly"
    Explanation: Adjusting the word order and replacing "on time" with "promptly" enhances clarity and formality.

12. "although smoking and using mobile phones have some similar negatives" -> "while smoking and mobile phone use share some drawbacks"
    Explanation: Restructuring the sentence improves parallelism and aligns with academic style.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 8

Band Score for Task Response: 8

• Answer All Parts of the Question:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay effectively addresses all parts of the question. It acknowledges the negative impacts of using smartphones, discusses the potential similarities with smoking, and presents a clear stance on why smartphones should not be banned.
  • How to improve: To further enhance completeness, consider providing a brief counterargument acknowledging the potential antisocial aspects of smartphone use in certain situations, then refute it with stronger evidence supporting your position.

• Present a Clear Position Throughout:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay maintains a clear and consistent position throughout. The introduction clearly states the writer’s stance, and each paragraph reinforces this position with relevant arguments.
  • How to improve: To strengthen the clarity, consider using stronger transition sentences between paragraphs to guide the reader through the logical flow of your argument.

• Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay effectively presents, extends, and supports ideas. It provides specific examples, such as the addictive nature of smartphones and the health risks associated with both smoking and screen exposure.
  • How to improve: To enhance the depth of analysis, consider providing more nuanced examples or exploring the potential counterarguments in greater detail.

• Stay on Topic:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay generally stays on topic but occasionally deviates, such as when discussing the silent mode feature of smartphones. While relevant, it could be connected more explicitly to the main argument.
  • How to improve: To maintain a stronger focus, ensure that each point made directly contributes to the overall argument. Connect the discussion of smartphone features to the central theme of the comparison with smoking.

In summary, the essay demonstrates a strong understanding of the prompt and effectively argues against the ban on smartphones in certain places. To improve, consider acknowledging potential counterarguments, strengthening transitions between paragraphs, providing more nuanced examples, and ensuring all points directly contribute to the main argument.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 6

• Organize Information Logically:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a moderate level of logical organization. It follows a traditional introduction, body, and conclusion structure. The introduction introduces the topic and the writer’s stance, and the body paragraphs present arguments supporting the opinion. However, there are moments where the progression of ideas could be smoother. For instance, the transition between the negative effects of smartphones to the reasons why they should not be banned is somewhat abrupt.
  • How to improve: To enhance logical flow, consider providing smoother transitions between ideas. Each paragraph should logically lead to the next, creating a cohesive narrative. Ensure that the reader can easily follow the development of your argument.

• Use Paragraphs:

  • Detailed explanation: Paragraphing is generally effective, with distinct introductions, body content, and conclusions. However, the third paragraph is quite lengthy and covers multiple ideas, affecting the clarity and coherence of each point. Breaking it down into smaller paragraphs could improve readability and emphasize key arguments.
  • How to improve: Aim for a clear and concise structure in each paragraph. Ensure that each paragraph focuses on a single idea or argument. Breaking down the longer paragraphs will improve the overall structure and make the essay more reader-friendly.

• Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay uses a variety of cohesive devices, including transition words and phrases (e.g., "On the one hand," "On the other hand," "In conclusion"). However, there is room for improvement in terms of using a more diverse range of cohesive devices. This can include pronouns, parallel structures, and repetition for emphasis.
  • How to improve: Incorporate a wider array of cohesive devices to enhance the overall cohesion of the essay. This can involve using pronouns to refer back to previously mentioned ideas, employing parallel sentence structures, and strategically repeating key terms for emphasis. A more varied use of cohesive devices contributes to a smoother and more interconnected essay.

Overall, while the essay demonstrates a reasonable level of coherence and cohesion, refinements in logical organization, paragraph structure, and the use of cohesive devices can elevate the writing to a more sophisticated level.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 6

• Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a moderate range of vocabulary. While the candidate uses a variety of words, there is room for improvement in incorporating more advanced and nuanced vocabulary. For instance, terms like "detrimental," "compelling reasons," and "advancement of technology" contribute to the overall variety. However, some phrases lack diversity, and simpler words like "students" and "urgent calls" are repeated.
  • How to improve: To enhance the lexical range, consider incorporating more sophisticated vocabulary related to the essay’s subject matter. Replace repetitive words with synonyms or explore synonyms for common terms. Utilize more advanced idiomatic expressions and academic vocabulary to elevate the language.

• Use Vocabulary Precisely:

  • Detailed explanation: The precision of vocabulary usage is satisfactory but not consistently maintained. For example, the essay appropriately uses terms like "addictive," "respiratory disease," and "rabid eyes." However, there are instances where words like "priority" and "announced" may not be the most precise choices.
  • How to improve: Aim for consistent precision in word choice. Review each term to ensure it precisely conveys the intended meaning. Consider using more context-specific vocabulary where applicable. For instance, replace "announced" with a more precise term like "communicated" or "conveyed."

• Use Correct Spelling:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay generally maintains correct spelling throughout. However, there are some minor errors, such as "rabid eyes" instead of "red eyes," and the misuse of "as addictive as smoking" where "as addictive as smoking" would be more appropriate.
  • How to improve: Regularly proofread the essay to catch minor spelling errors. Be attentive to context-specific phrases and ensure the correct usage. Additionally, refine the sentence structures to avoid potential confusion in conveying ideas.

Overall, the essay demonstrates a solid foundation in lexical resource, with opportunities for improvement in vocabulary variety, precision, and minor spelling details. Focus on refining the choice of words to enhance the overall sophistication of language and maintain a consistently precise expression of ideas.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 7

• Use a Wide Range of Structures:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a reasonably varied range of sentence structures. It employs complex sentences such as "While the use of mobile phones has negative effects on human life in a few aspects," and uses conditional structures like "If smartphones are banned in some places, such immediate activities may not be announced on time." However, the essay could benefit from a more extensive variety of sentence structures to enhance overall coherence and engagement. More compound and compound-complex sentences can be integrated for a richer expression of ideas.
  • How to improve: To further diversify sentence structures, consider incorporating compound sentences by connecting related ideas, and complex sentences to provide depth and complexity. Additionally, experiment with rhetorical devices like parallelism and varied clause structures to add nuance and sophistication to your writing.

• Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay maintains a generally accurate and appropriate use of grammar and punctuation. However, there are a few instances that need attention. For example, in the sentence "While smoking can lead to respiratory disease and lung cancer, the blue light, which comes from a technological screen has been scientifically proven to severely affect user’s eyes," there is a subject-verb agreement issue, and a missing article before "user’s eyes." Additionally, some sentences could be more concise for improved clarity.
  • How to improve: Focus on subject-verb agreement, ensuring consistency throughout the essay. Be mindful of article usage, and consider revising sentences for conciseness without sacrificing clarity. Pay special attention to complex sentence structures to avoid ambiguity or confusion. Proofread thoroughly to catch such grammatical nuances.

Overall, the essay demonstrates a strong command of grammar and a reasonably varied range of structures. To improve, refine sentence structures for greater diversity and pay meticulous attention to grammatical nuances for enhanced accuracy.

Bài sửa mẫu

In today’s modern society, there is a prevailing notion that the use of smartphones is as antisocial as smoking, leading some to argue that they should be prohibited in specific areas, akin to restrictions on smoking. While it is true that mobile phones have certain adverse effects on human life, I firmly believe that there are more convincing reasons why they should not be banned in places where smoking is prohibited.

Acknowledging the potential negative impacts of smartphone usage is important. Firstly, the addictive nature of using smartphones, comparable to smoking, is a valid concern. For example, students may find themselves engrossed in watching captivating videos on various media platforms, diverting their attention from academic priorities. Consequently, this diversion may lead to a lack of focus on their studies, potentially resulting in lower academic performance. Additionally, both smoking and smartphone use pose health risks, with smoking linked to respiratory diseases and lung cancer, while the blue light emitted from screens has been scientifically proven to adversely affect users’ eyes, causing problems such as eye irritation or nearsightedness.

However, it is crucial to consider the stronger evidence supporting the view that smartphones should not be banned in certain places. The key reason lies in technological advancements that enable smartphones to offer users a silent mode. This feature allows individuals to avoid disturbing public areas or disrupting important conferences by simply switching to silent mode. Furthermore, unlike cigarettes, smartphones serve various purposes beyond consumption. People rely on phones for essential activities such as making urgent calls or sending timely messages, ensuring prompt communication of vital information. Banning smartphones in specific locations could hinder these crucial activities.

In conclusion, while parallels can be drawn between the negative aspects of smoking and mobile phone use, there are more logical reasons to refrain from banning smartphones in certain areas. It is paramount to emphasize responsible smartphone usage through education rather than imposing outright prohibitions.