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The values we learn from our parents and family have greater influence on our future success than knowledge and skills we learn at school. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

The values we learn from our parents and family have greater influence on our future success than knowledge and skills we learn at school. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

Learning values from our parents and family exert tremendous effects on our successful outcome later in life rather than knowledge and wisdom grasped at school. However, I strongly oppose this notion
The primary line of reasoning lies in the breadth of knowledge gained from school. The possibility of accessibility to many subjects, ranging from math and biology to art and music, can enhance holistic wisdom rather than limited knowledge and traditional values from parents and family, which have application across different fields, contributing to success later in life. Moreover, education-related activities at school can foster children’s developments. For example, when participating in educational games, children need to observe, analyze and explore all avenues to find an answer. This, in turn, stimulates their cognitive faculties and intellectual acumen, enhancing critical thinking, ability to reason, and problem-solving skills.
Another reason why I oppose the aforementioned proposal is associated with in-depth knowledge about areas of study. For instance, those pursuing particular jobs such as physicist, chemist or astronaut necessitate deeper knowledge. They must learn various physical theories, chemical interactions or how the components of the universe interact. This, in turn, requires a specialized study path through many levels of education, which is a hard requirement for parents and family to meet. Therefore, attending courses at school is paramount, ensuring a successful future and contributing to the development of human beings.
In conclusion, I completely believe in the importance of understanding and wisdom acquired from school rather than knowledge from parents and family. The holisitc accessibility to different areas, possibility to foster children’s cognitive and intellectual developments, and in-depth and specialized knowledge are invaluable. Therefore, attending school is more essential than learning from parents and family to ensure future successes.


Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

  1. "Learning values from our parents and family exert tremendous effects on our successful outcome later in life" -> "Acquiring values from our parents and family significantly influences our future success"
    Explanation: Replacing "Learning values" with "Acquiring values" clarifies the context, and "significantly influences" is more precise and formal than "exert tremendous effects," which is somewhat colloquial.

  2. "I strongly oppose this notion" -> "I firmly disagree with this assertion"
    Explanation: "Firmly disagree" is a more formal expression than "strongly oppose," and "assertion" is more precise than "notion," which can be vague.

  3. "The primary line of reasoning lies in the breadth of knowledge gained from school" -> "The primary argument is that the breadth of knowledge gained from school"
    Explanation: "The primary argument is that" is a more formal and direct way to introduce a main point, improving clarity and formality.

  4. "can enhance holistic wisdom rather than limited knowledge and traditional values from parents and family" -> "enhances comprehensive wisdom rather than the limited knowledge and traditional values imparted by parents and family"
    Explanation: "Enhances comprehensive wisdom" is more precise and formal than "enhance holistic wisdom," and "imparted by" is more specific than "from."

  5. "which have application across different fields" -> "which have applications across various disciplines"
    Explanation: "Applications" is the correct plural form, and "various disciplines" is more specific and academically appropriate than "different fields."

  6. "foster children’s developments" -> "facilitate children’s development"
    Explanation: "Facilitate" is more precise and formal than "foster," and "development" should be singular to match the singular subject "children’s."

  7. "This, in turn, stimulates their cognitive faculties and intellectual acumen" -> "This, in turn, stimulates their cognitive abilities and intellectual capacities"
    Explanation: "Cognitive abilities" and "intellectual capacities" are more formal and precise terms than "faculties" and "acumen," which can be seen as somewhat archaic or overly formal.

  8. "ability to reason" -> "capacity for reasoning"
    Explanation: "Capacity for reasoning" is a more formal and precise expression than "ability to reason."

  9. "Another reason why I oppose the aforementioned proposal is associated with in-depth knowledge about areas of study" -> "Another reason for my opposition is the requirement for in-depth knowledge in specific fields of study"
    Explanation: "Requirement for in-depth knowledge in specific fields of study" is more specific and formal than "in-depth knowledge about areas of study."

  10. "They must learn various physical theories, chemical interactions or how the components of the universe interact" -> "They must study various physical theories, chemical interactions, and the interactions between the components of the universe"
    Explanation: "Study" is more precise than "learn," and the addition of commas improves readability and clarity.

  11. "This, in turn, requires a specialized study path through many levels of education" -> "This necessitates a specialized educational pathway spanning multiple levels of study"
    Explanation: "Necessitates" is more formal than "requires," and "educational pathway spanning multiple levels of study" is more precise and formal than "specialized study path through many levels of education."

  12. "ensuring a successful future and contributing to the development of human beings" -> "ensuring a successful future and contributing to human development"
    Explanation: "Human development" is a more concise and formal term than "the development of human beings."

  13. "I completely believe in the importance of understanding and wisdom acquired from school" -> "I strongly advocate for the significance of knowledge and wisdom gained through education"
    Explanation: "Strongly advocate for" is more formal than "completely believe in," and "knowledge and wisdom gained through education" is more precise and formal than "understanding and wisdom acquired from school."

  14. "The holisitc accessibility to different areas" -> "The holistic accessibility to various fields"
    Explanation: "Holistic" should be spelled correctly as "holistic," and "fields" is more specific and formal than "areas."

  15. "possibility to foster children’s cognitive and intellectual developments" -> "opportunity to foster children’s cognitive and intellectual development"
    Explanation: "Opportunity" is more formal than "possibility," and "development" should be singular to match the singular subject "children’s."

These changes enhance the formality, precision, and clarity of the essay, aligning it more closely with academic writing standards.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 8

Band Score for Task Response: 8

  • Answer All Parts of the Question:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay effectively addresses the prompt by presenting a clear disagreement with the statement that family values have a greater influence on future success than knowledge gained at school. The writer articulates their position in the introduction and supports it throughout the body paragraphs. However, while the essay discusses the importance of knowledge and skills learned at school, it could benefit from a more explicit acknowledgment of the opposing viewpoint regarding family values. This would demonstrate a more nuanced understanding of the topic.
    • How to improve: To enhance the response, the writer could briefly outline the potential benefits of family values in the introduction and then refute them in the body paragraphs. This would create a more balanced argument and show a comprehensive engagement with all aspects of the question.
  • Present a Clear Position Throughout:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay maintains a clear position against the statement, consistently arguing that knowledge and skills acquired at school are more influential for future success. The use of phrases like "I strongly oppose this notion" and "I completely believe in the importance of understanding and wisdom acquired from school" reinforces the writer’s stance. However, the transition between ideas could be smoother to maintain clarity.
    • How to improve: To improve clarity and coherence, the writer should ensure that each paragraph begins with a clear topic sentence that directly relates back to the thesis. Additionally, using linking words and phrases can help guide the reader through the argument more effectively.
  • Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay presents several well-developed ideas, such as the breadth of knowledge gained from school and the necessity of specialized knowledge for certain careers. The examples provided, such as educational games and specific professions, effectively support the main arguments. However, some ideas could be further elaborated to enhance their impact.
    • How to improve: The writer should aim to provide more detailed examples or case studies that illustrate the points made. For instance, discussing specific educational programs or success stories of individuals who benefited from school education could strengthen the argument. Additionally, integrating counterarguments and refuting them with evidence would further enrich the discussion.
  • Stay on Topic:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay generally stays on topic, focusing on the importance of school education over family values. However, there are moments where the discussion of cognitive development and specific job requirements, while relevant, could be more tightly linked to the central argument of success. This could lead to a slight deviation from the main focus of the essay.
    • How to improve: To maintain a stronger focus on the topic, the writer should ensure that all examples and explanations directly relate back to the thesis statement. It may be helpful to periodically refer back to the prompt throughout the essay to reinforce the connection between the arguments made and the question posed.

Overall, the essay demonstrates a strong understanding of the task and presents a well-structured argument. By incorporating the suggested improvements, the writer can further enhance the clarity, depth, and relevance of their response.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 8

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 8

  • Organize Information Logically:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay presents a clear argument against the notion that parental values have a greater influence on future success than the knowledge and skills acquired at school. The introduction effectively sets up the argument, and the body paragraphs are structured to support this stance. Each paragraph addresses a specific point: the breadth of knowledge gained from school and the necessity for specialized knowledge in certain professions. This logical progression aids the reader in following the author’s reasoning. However, the transition between the two main arguments could be smoother, as the connection between them is not explicitly stated.
    • How to improve: To enhance logical flow, consider using transitional phrases that explicitly connect the ideas between paragraphs. For instance, after discussing the breadth of knowledge, a sentence like "In addition to this broad foundation, specialized knowledge is also crucial for certain career paths" would create a clearer link between the two points.
  • Use Paragraphs:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay effectively uses paragraphs to separate different ideas, with each paragraph focusing on a distinct aspect of the argument. The first paragraph introduces the topic and presents the main thesis, while the subsequent paragraphs delve into specific reasons supporting the thesis. However, the conclusion could be more distinct, as it somewhat blends with the final body paragraph, which may confuse readers about where the argument ends and the conclusion begins.
    • How to improve: Ensure that the conclusion is clearly marked and summarizes the main points without introducing new information. A clear concluding statement that reiterates the thesis and encapsulates the main arguments would reinforce the structure. For example, starting the conclusion with "In summary, the knowledge and skills gained at school are paramount for future success due to…" would provide a stronger closure.
  • Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay employs a variety of cohesive devices, such as "however," "moreover," and "for example," which help to guide the reader through the argument. These devices effectively link sentences and ideas within paragraphs. However, there is a tendency to rely on a limited range of cohesive devices, which can make the writing feel somewhat repetitive.
    • How to improve: To diversify the use of cohesive devices, consider incorporating synonyms or alternative phrases that serve similar functions. For instance, instead of repeatedly using "for example," you could use "for instance," "to illustrate," or "as a case in point." Additionally, varying sentence structures can also enhance cohesion; for example, instead of starting multiple sentences with "this, in turn," you might rephrase some sentences to maintain reader engagement.

By addressing these areas, the essay can achieve an even higher level of coherence and cohesion, further strengthening the overall argument and clarity of the writing.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 7

  • Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a commendable range of vocabulary, with terms such as "tremendous effects," "holistic wisdom," "cognitive faculties," and "intellectual acumen." These phrases reflect a good command of language and an ability to convey complex ideas effectively. However, there are instances where the vocabulary could be more varied. For example, the repeated use of "knowledge" and "success" could be substituted with synonyms to enhance lexical diversity.
    • How to improve: To improve, the writer should aim to incorporate a broader array of synonyms and phrases. For instance, instead of repeating "knowledge," they could use terms like "understanding," "insight," or "expertise." Additionally, exploring more descriptive adjectives or adverbs could enrich the essay further.
  • Use Vocabulary Precisely:

    • Detailed explanation: While the essay generally uses vocabulary effectively, there are moments of imprecision. For example, the phrase "limited knowledge and traditional values" could be misleading, as it suggests that values are inherently limited, which may not be the intended message. The term "holisitc" is misspelled and should be "holistic," which detracts from the precision of the writing.
    • How to improve: To enhance precision, the writer should carefully consider the connotations of the words they choose. They could clarify their argument by rephrasing "limited knowledge and traditional values" to something like "the foundational values that guide ethical behavior." Additionally, proofreading for spelling errors and ensuring that terms accurately reflect the intended meaning will improve overall clarity.
  • Use Correct Spelling:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay contains a few spelling errors, notably the misspelling of "holistic" as "holisitc." Such errors can undermine the overall professionalism of the writing and may distract the reader from the content.
    • How to improve: To improve spelling accuracy, the writer should implement a proofreading strategy, such as reading the essay aloud or using spell-check tools. Additionally, maintaining a personal list of commonly misspelled words and practicing them can help in reducing errors in future essays.

Overall, the essay demonstrates a solid command of vocabulary with room for improvement in variety, precision, and spelling accuracy. By focusing on these areas, the writer can enhance their lexical resource and potentially achieve a higher band score.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 7

  • Use a Wide Range of Structures:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a good variety of sentence structures, including complex sentences and a mix of simple and compound sentences. For instance, phrases like "The possibility of accessibility to many subjects, ranging from math and biology to art and music," showcase an effective use of a complex structure that adds depth to the argument. However, there are instances of repetitive sentence beginnings and structures, such as starting multiple sentences with "This, in turn," which can detract from the overall variety.
    • How to improve: To enhance the diversity of sentence structures, consider varying the way sentences are initiated. For example, instead of repeatedly using "This, in turn," you could use transitional phrases like "Consequently," or "As a result," to connect ideas. Additionally, incorporating more relative clauses or participial phrases could further enrich the complexity of the writing.
  • Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay generally maintains a good level of grammatical accuracy, with only minor errors. For example, the phrase "knowledge and wisdom grasped at school" could be more effectively expressed as "knowledge and skills acquired at school" to align better with the essay’s context. Punctuation is mostly correct, but there are instances where commas could enhance clarity, such as before "which have application across different fields" to separate the clause more clearly.
    • How to improve: To improve grammatical accuracy, focus on ensuring that word choices are precise and contextually appropriate. Reviewing common collocations in academic writing can help refine this aspect. Additionally, pay attention to punctuation rules, especially regarding the use of commas in complex sentences. Practicing sentence diagramming or using grammar-checking tools can also help identify and correct errors before finalizing the essay.

Overall, while the essay demonstrates a solid command of grammatical range and accuracy, focusing on diversifying sentence structuresand refining grammatical precision will help elevate the writing to a higher band score.

Bài sửa mẫu

Learning values from our parents and family exerts tremendous effects on our successful outcomes later in life rather than the knowledge and skills acquired at school. However, I firmly disagree with this assertion.

The primary argument lies in the breadth of knowledge gained from school. The accessibility to a wide range of subjects, including math, biology, art, and music, enhances comprehensive wisdom rather than the limited knowledge and traditional values imparted by parents and family, which have applications across various disciplines and contribute to success later in life. Moreover, education-related activities at school facilitate children’s development. For example, when participating in educational games, children must observe, analyze, and explore all avenues to find solutions. This, in turn, stimulates their cognitive abilities and intellectual capacities, enhancing critical thinking, reasoning skills, and problem-solving abilities.

Another reason for my opposition is the requirement for in-depth knowledge in specific fields of study. For instance, those pursuing particular careers such as physicists, chemists, or astronauts necessitate a deeper understanding of their disciplines. They must study various physical theories, chemical interactions, and the relationships between the components of the universe. This necessitates a specialized educational pathway spanning multiple levels of study, which is a challenging requirement for parents and family to fulfill. Therefore, attending courses at school is paramount, ensuring a successful future and contributing to human development.

In conclusion, I strongly advocate for the significance of knowledge and wisdom gained through education rather than solely relying on values from parents and family. The holistic accessibility to various fields, the opportunity to foster children’s cognitive and intellectual development, and the necessity for in-depth and specialized knowledge are invaluable. Therefore, attending school is more essential than learning from parents and family to ensure future success.

Bài viết liên quan

Around the world, many adults are working from home, and more children are beginning to study from home because technology has become cheaper and more accessible. Do you think this is a positive or negative development? Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience. You should spend about 40 minutes on this task.

Around the world, many adults are working from home, and more children are beginning to study from home because technology has become cheaper and more…

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