This line graph below shows the number of overseas visitors who came to the UK for different purposes between 1989 and 2009

The line graph illustrates the count of foreign visitors who came to the UK for various purposes between 1989 and 2009.
During the entire period, the total of overseas visitors for all three plans increased but to varying extents. Still, the majority of foreign tourists travelled to the UK for recreational intents.
According to the graph, at the starting point, the UK attracted approximately 6 million international holidaymakers, better than the number of business and family visits, which was around 3 million and 5 million, respectively. From 1989 to 1999, the count of UK leisure travelers and businesses witnessed an upward trend. Meanwhile, the number of visitors declined to only 4 million, significantly lower at first in 1989 to 1993. From 1994 onwards, the proportion of friends and family visits rebounded to nearly 7 tourists.
By the of the surveyed period, all three categories rose significantly. Despite having a steep fall in 5 years, the number of UK tourists went back on track with 9 million visitors at the end of 2009. Meanwhile, other purposes showed no signs of stopping the increase of around 500 thousand visitors each in 2009.

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Errors and Improvements:

"plans" -> "categories"
Explanation: The term "plans" is too general and doesn’t accurately convey the idea of different categories of visits. "Categories" is a more precise and appropriate term in this context.
"recreational intents" -> "leisure purposes"
Explanation: "Recreational intents" is a bit awkward and less common. "Leisure purposes" is a more formal and standard phrase to describe visits for enjoyment or relaxation.
"holidaymakers" -> "tourists"
Explanation: While "holidaymakers" is not incorrect, "tourists" is a more commonly used term and fits better in this context.
"witnessed an upward trend" -> "experienced an upward trajectory"
Explanation: "Witnessed an upward trend" is slightly repetitive and could be more succinctly expressed. "Experienced an upward trajectory" maintains clarity while using a more sophisticated phrase.
"significantly lower at first" -> "initially significantly lower"
Explanation: Rearranging the phrase for better clarity and flow.
"rebounded to nearly 7 tourists" -> "rebounded to nearly 7 million tourists"
Explanation: Adding "million" clarifies the unit of measurement and ensures accuracy.
"By the of the surveyed period" -> "By the end of the surveyed period"
Explanation: Correcting the preposition to maintain grammatical accuracy.
"went back on track" -> "recovered"
Explanation: "Went back on track" is a bit informal. "Recovered" is a more precise and formal alternative.
"showed no signs of stopping" -> "showed no signs of slowing down"
Explanation: "Stopping" is too absolute in this context. "Slowing down" better conveys the idea that the increase continued without interruption.
"each in 2009" -> "each in 2009 individually"
Explanation: Adding "individually" clarifies that the increase of around 500 thousand visitors applies to each category separately.

Band điểm Task Achivement ước lượng: 6

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Band Score: 6.0
Explanation: The essay addresses the requirements of the task by providing an overview of the trends in overseas visitors to the UK between 1989 and 2009. Key features such as the initial counts, trends over time, and final counts are highlighted, although some details could be more accurate and extended.
How to improve: To improve, focus on ensuring accuracy in data interpretation and avoid vague statements. Provide more specific and detailed information where necessary to support the overview provided.
]

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6.0

Explanation:
The essay demonstrates a coherent organization of ideas, with a clear overall progression from the introduction to the conclusion. The introduction provides a concise overview of the graph, setting the stage for the subsequent analysis. The body paragraphs logically present information about the trends in different purposes of overseas visits over the years, maintaining coherence throughout. The conclusion effectively summarizes the main points discussed.

The use of cohesive devices is effective in connecting sentences and ideas within paragraphs. However, there are instances where cohesion between sentences or within paragraphs could be improved for smoother transitions and clearer connections between ideas. For example, there are some awkward phrasings that disrupt the flow of ideas, such as "Meanwhile, other purposes showed no signs of stopping the increase of around 500 thousand visitors each in 2009." This sentence could be revised for better coherence.

Paragraphing is generally logical, with each paragraph focusing on a specific aspect of the data. However, there are a few instances where the paragraph breaks could be more strategically placed to enhance clarity and organization.

How to improve:
To improve coherence and cohesion, focus on enhancing the flow of ideas between sentences and paragraphs. Use a wider range of cohesive devices such as pronouns, conjunctions, and transitional phrases to create smoother connections between ideas. Additionally, carefully consider the placement of paragraph breaks to ensure that each paragraph addresses a distinct aspect of the data and contributes to the overall coherence of the essay. Finally, aim for more precise and concise phrasing to eliminate any awkward constructions that may disrupt the coherence of the essay.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 5

Band Score: 5.0

Explanation:
The essay demonstrates a basic range of vocabulary related to the topic, such as "overseas visitors," "holidaymakers," "business visits," "family visits," and "tourists." However, there is a lack of variety and sophistication in vocabulary usage. Some attempts are made to incorporate less common lexical items, but they are not used fluently or accurately. For instance, "intents" instead of "purposes" and "surveyed period" instead of "timeframe." Additionally, there are noticeable errors in word choice and word formation, such as "witnessed an upward trend," which could be improved for clarity and accuracy.

How to improve:
To improve the Lexical Resource score, the writer should aim to diversify their vocabulary by using a wider range of synonyms and more precise terminology related to the topic. They should also focus on using vocabulary accurately and appropriately to convey their ideas with clarity. Proofreading for spelling and word formation errors would also help enhance the lexical quality of the essay. Additionally, incorporating more sophisticated lexical items and idiomatic expressions would elevate the lexical richness of the writing.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6.0

Explanation: The essay demonstrates a mix of simple and complex sentence structures, incorporating a variety of sentence forms to convey information. There is an attempt to use a range of vocabulary and grammar structures, though some errors are present throughout the essay. The communication is generally clear, but occasional errors may slightly impede understanding.

How to improve: To improve the score, focus on enhancing the accuracy and complexity of sentence structures. Pay close attention to grammar and punctuation errors to ensure clearer communication. Additionally, aim for more precise vocabulary usage to elevate the overall quality of the essay.

Bài sửa mẫu

The provided line graph delineates the influx of international visitors to the UK across various objectives from 1989 to 2009.

Throughout the examined period, the aggregate number of overseas visitors for all three categories experienced growth, albeit to differing degrees. Notably, a significant proportion of foreign tourists journeyed to the UK for recreational purposes.

According to the visual data, at the outset, the UK enticed approximately 6 million international holidaymakers, surpassing the figures for business and family visits, which stood at around 3 million and 5 million, respectively. From 1989 to 1999, both leisure and business travel to the UK exhibited an upward trajectory. Conversely, the number of visitors witnessed a notable decline, plummeting to 4 million, notably lower than the initial figures from 1989 to 1993. Subsequently, from 1994 onwards, the volume of visits by friends and family rebounded, nearly reaching 7 million tourists.

By the conclusion of the observation period, all three categories experienced significant growth. Despite experiencing a sharp decline over five years, the number of UK tourists rebounded to 9 million by the end of 2009. Meanwhile, other purposes displayed a consistent upward trend, with each category experiencing an increase of around 500 thousand visitors in 2009.