TOPIC 2: ONLINE SHOPPING Task 2: Online shopping is increasing dramatically. How could this trend affect our environment and the kinds of jobs required?

TOPIC 2: ONLINE SHOPPING
Task 2: Online shopping is increasing dramatically. How could this trend affect our environment and the kinds of jobs required?

Thanks to the development of the internet, it is a new picture for the future. Online shopping also is one of them, it’s like a shift from traditional shopping to shopping through just one device connected to the internet. This brings a lot of convenience for customers to make a buying decision.

From the environment perspective, online shopping contributes a part of importance in society now. However, one might argue that online shopping is related to many diversity parties such as packaging or shipping. This is predicated on the assumption that online shopping is harmful for the environment with inorganic waste. On the other hand, some argue that online shopping can be more environmentally friendly than traditional shopping, it is because that can be decrease build or fix store to sell and the number of cars when ship. Therefore, online shopping or traditional shopping also have two sides.

Besides all of the problems about the environment, jobs play an important role in shopping online. Initially, shopping on the internet creates jobs for many people such as delivery, logistics or service customs. These jobs can help to raise employment and increase job opportunities for anyone without having to go directly to the place, namely online sales, or digital marketing specialists. Furthermore, it also brings more advantages and popularity when only with a smartphone, customers could book products a way easier without going out to buy directly. For instance, a person who is unable to work can sell online to increase his income as well as create a job for themself.

In conclusion, everything has two sides to it, and online shopping is no exception. This brings both positive and negative effects on the environment or jobs for people.

---

Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

1. "it is a new picture for the future" -> "it presents a new vision for the future"
   Explanation: The phrase "it is a new picture" is vague and informal. "Presents a new vision" is more precise and formal, fitting the academic style better.

2. "Online shopping also is one of them, it’s like a shift" -> "Online shopping is also one of these developments, akin to a shift"
   Explanation: The contraction "it’s" is too informal for academic writing. "Akin to" is a more formal synonym for "like," and "developments" is a more precise term than "one of them."

3. "This brings a lot of convenience for customers to make a buying decision" -> "This offers considerable convenience to customers in making purchasing decisions"
   Explanation: "A lot of" is informal and imprecise. "Considerable" is more formal and specific. Also, "make a buying decision" can be streamlined to "making purchasing decisions" for a more formal tone.

4. "contributes a part of importance" -> "contributes significantly to the importance"
   Explanation: "Contributes a part of importance" is awkward and unclear. "Contributes significantly to the importance" is grammatically correct and more precise.

5. "one might argue that online shopping is related to many diversity parties" -> "one might argue that online shopping is associated with various stakeholders"
   Explanation: "Diversity parties" is unclear and informal. "Various stakeholders" is a precise and formal term that accurately describes the entities involved.

6. "This is predicated on the assumption that online shopping is harmful for the environment with inorganic waste" -> "This is predicated on the assumption that online shopping contributes to environmental harm through inorganic waste"
   Explanation: The original phrase is awkwardly constructed and unclear. The revised version clarifies the relationship between online shopping and environmental harm.

7. "it is because that can be decrease build or fix store to sell and the number of cars when ship" -> "it reduces the need to build or maintain physical stores and the number of vehicles required for shipping"
   Explanation: The original sentence is grammatically incorrect and unclear. The revision clarifies the meaning and improves the formality.

8. "online shopping or traditional shopping also have two sides" -> "both online and traditional shopping have their advantages and disadvantages"
   Explanation: "Have two sides" is informal and vague. "Have their advantages and disadvantages" is a clear and formal way to describe the dual nature of shopping methods.

9. "shopping on the internet creates jobs for many people such as delivery, logistics or service customs" -> "online shopping creates employment opportunities in areas such as delivery, logistics, and customer service"
   Explanation: "Shopping on the internet" is redundant; "online shopping" is sufficient. "Service customs" is incorrect; "customer service" is the correct term.

10. "it also brings more advantages and popularity" -> "it also enhances both advantages and popularity"
    Explanation: "Brings more advantages and popularity" is awkward and unclear. "Enhances both advantages and popularity" is more precise and formal.

11. "a person who is unable to work can sell online to increase his income as well as create a job for themself" -> "an individual unable to work can leverage online sales to increase their income and create employment opportunities for themselves"
    Explanation: "A person who is unable to work" is informal and less precise. "An individual unable to work" is more formal. "Leverage online sales" is a more precise and formal expression than "sell online."

These changes aim to refine the vocabulary and structure of the essay to better align with academic standards, enhancing clarity, precision, and formality.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Task Response: 7

• Answer All Parts of the Question:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay addresses both aspects of the prompt: the environmental impact of online shopping and its effect on job creation. The writer discusses the environmental concerns related to packaging and shipping, as well as the potential benefits of reduced physical store requirements and transportation. Additionally, the essay highlights how online shopping creates job opportunities in various sectors, such as delivery and digital marketing. However, the analysis lacks depth in exploring the complexities of these impacts, particularly the environmental side, which could be more thoroughly examined.
  • How to improve: To enhance the response, the writer should provide more detailed examples and statistics to support claims about environmental impacts and job creation. For instance, discussing specific types of jobs created or providing data on waste generated by online shopping versus traditional shopping would strengthen the argument. Additionally, addressing counterarguments more robustly would demonstrate a comprehensive understanding of the topic.

• Present a Clear Position Throughout:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay presents a somewhat clear position that acknowledges both the positive and negative aspects of online shopping. However, the phrasing, such as "online shopping also have two sides," can lead to ambiguity regarding the writer’s stance. The conclusion reiterates this duality but does not decisively lean towards one side, which may confuse readers about the overall message.
  • How to improve: To improve clarity, the writer should explicitly state their position in the introduction and consistently refer back to it throughout the essay. Using phrases like "I believe" or "It is clear that" can help assert a more definitive stance. Additionally, summarizing the main points in a way that reflects the chosen position in the conclusion would reinforce the argument.

• Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay presents several ideas related to online shopping’s impact on the environment and job market. However, the development of these ideas is somewhat superficial. For instance, while the essay mentions that online shopping can be more environmentally friendly, it does not elaborate on how this occurs or provide specific examples. Similarly, while job creation is discussed, the essay lacks detailed examples of the types of jobs and their significance.
  • How to improve: To enhance the presentation and support of ideas, the writer should aim to elaborate on each point with specific examples and explanations. For instance, discussing the role of technology in logistics or the environmental benefits of reduced travel could provide a more nuanced view. Additionally, incorporating real-world examples or case studies would help substantiate claims and make the argument more compelling.

• Stay on Topic:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay generally stays on topic, addressing the prompt’s focus on online shopping’s effects on the environment and jobs. However, some sentences, such as "everything has two sides to it," introduce a vague philosophical perspective that detracts from the specific discussion of online shopping. This can lead to a slight drift from the main topic.
  • How to improve: To maintain focus, the writer should avoid general statements that do not directly relate to the prompt. Instead, they should ensure that each sentence contributes to the discussion of online shopping’s specific impacts. Creating a clear outline before writing can help the writer stay on track and ensure that all points are relevant to the topic at hand.

Overall, while the essay demonstrates a good understanding of the topic and presents relevant ideas, it would benefit from deeper analysis, clearer positioning, and more specific examples to achieve a higher band score.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 7

• Organize Information Logically:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay presents a clear structure with an introduction, body paragraphs discussing environmental impacts and job creation, and a conclusion. However, the logical flow could be improved. For instance, the transition from discussing environmental impacts to job creation feels abrupt. The phrase "Besides all of the problems about the environment" could be more effectively linked to the previous paragraph to enhance coherence. The ideas are relevant but could be better connected to show a more logical progression of thought.
  • How to improve: To enhance logical organization, consider using clearer topic sentences that outline the main idea of each paragraph. Additionally, employing transitional phrases such as "In addition," or "Conversely," can help to create smoother transitions between paragraphs and ideas, making the argument more cohesive.

• Use Paragraphs:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay uses paragraphs effectively, with each addressing a specific aspect of the topic. The first paragraph introduces online shopping, the second discusses environmental impacts, and the third focuses on job creation. However, the paragraphs could be more distinct in their focus. For example, the second paragraph mixes arguments for and against online shopping’s environmental impact, which could confuse the reader.
  • How to improve: To improve paragraph structure, consider separating the pros and cons of online shopping’s environmental impact into distinct paragraphs. This would allow for a clearer exploration of each side of the argument. Additionally, ensure that each paragraph begins with a clear topic sentence that states the main idea, followed by supporting details.

• Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay employs some cohesive devices, such as "however," "on the other hand," and "for instance." These devices help to connect ideas and provide examples. However, the range of cohesive devices is somewhat limited, and some sentences feel disjointed. For example, the phrase "this brings a lot of convenience for customers to make a buying decision" lacks a cohesive link to the subsequent sentences about environmental impacts.
  • How to improve: To diversify the use of cohesive devices, consider incorporating a wider range of linking words and phrases, such as "furthermore," "moreover," "consequently," and "in contrast." Additionally, ensure that each cohesive device is used appropriately to enhance clarity and connection between ideas. For instance, using "This means that" before discussing the implications of online shopping on the environment could create a clearer link between the ideas.

Overall, the essay demonstrates a solid understanding of the topic and presents relevant arguments. By focusing on improving logical organization, refining paragraph structure, and diversifying cohesive devices, the coherence and cohesion of the essay can be enhanced, potentially leading to a higher band score.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 6

• Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a moderate range of vocabulary related to the topic of online shopping. Terms such as "convenience," "logistics," and "employment" are appropriately used. However, the vocabulary tends to be repetitive, with phrases like "online shopping" and "traditional shopping" appearing frequently without variation. For example, the phrase "shopping through just one device connected to the internet" could be expressed more succinctly or creatively.
  • How to improve: To enhance lexical variety, the writer should explore synonyms and related terms. Instead of repeatedly using "online shopping," alternatives like "e-commerce," "digital shopping," or "virtual retail" could be employed. Additionally, incorporating more descriptive adjectives or adverbs could enrich the text, such as "efficient" instead of just "convenient."

• Use Vocabulary Precisely:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay contains instances of imprecise vocabulary usage. For example, the phrase "related to many diversity parties" is unclear and awkward; it seems to attempt to convey the idea of various stakeholders involved in online shopping. Furthermore, the phrase "predicated on the assumption that online shopping is harmful for the environment with inorganic waste" is convoluted and could be simplified for clarity.
  • How to improve: The writer should focus on clarity and precision in word choice. Instead of "diversity parties," a more precise term like "various stakeholders" or "different entities" could be used. Simplifying complex phrases will also aid in clarity; for instance, rephrasing to "some believe that online shopping contributes to environmental harm due to packaging waste" would enhance understanding.

• Use Correct Spelling:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay contains several spelling errors, such as "diversity parties," which should likely be "diverse parties," and "decrease build or fix store," which is unclear and possibly contains a typographical error. Additionally, "service customs" likely intended to refer to "customer service," which reflects a misunderstanding of the terms.
  • How to improve: To improve spelling accuracy, the writer should engage in regular proofreading practices, such as reading the essay aloud or using spelling and grammar checking tools. Additionally, familiarizing oneself with commonly misspelled words and practicing them can help reduce errors in future writing.

Overall, while the essay demonstrates a foundational understanding of the topic and employs relevant vocabulary, there is significant room for improvement in terms of vocabulary range, precision, and spelling accuracy. By focusing on these areas, the writer can enhance their lexical resource and potentially achieve a higher band score.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 6

• Use a Wide Range of Structures:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a moderate range of sentence structures, including simple and compound sentences. For example, phrases like "Thanks to the development of the internet" and "This brings a lot of convenience for customers" show some variety. However, the use of complex sentences is limited, which affects the overall richness of the writing. Additionally, there are instances of awkward phrasing, such as "it is a new picture for the future," which lacks clarity and sophistication.
  • How to improve: To enhance the variety of sentence structures, the writer should incorporate more complex sentences that include subordinate clauses. For example, instead of saying "This brings a lot of convenience for customers," the writer could say, "This brings a lot of convenience for customers, who can now make purchasing decisions from the comfort of their homes." Practicing the use of relative clauses and conditional sentences can also add depth to the writing.

• Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay contains several grammatical errors and punctuation issues that hinder clarity. For instance, the phrase "online shopping contributes a part of importance in society now" is awkward and unclear. Additionally, the sentence "However, one might argue that online shopping is related to many diversity parties such as packaging or shipping" misuses "diversity" and lacks proper punctuation, leading to confusion. The use of commas is inconsistent, particularly in compound sentences, which can disrupt the flow of ideas.
  • How to improve: To improve grammatical accuracy, the writer should focus on subject-verb agreement and the correct use of articles. For example, instead of "a part of importance," it would be clearer to say "an important part." Furthermore, reviewing punctuation rules, especially for compound and complex sentences, will help improve clarity. Regular practice with grammar exercises and seeking feedback from peers or teachers can also aid in identifying and correcting common mistakes.

Overall, while the essay presents relevant ideas and arguments, enhancing the variety of sentence structures and improving grammatical accuracy will significantly elevate the quality of the writing.

Bài sửa mẫu

Thanks to the development of the internet, it presents a new vision for the future. Online shopping is also one of these developments; it’s like a shift from traditional shopping to shopping through just one device connected to the internet. This offers considerable convenience to customers in making purchasing decisions.

From an environmental perspective, online shopping contributes significantly to the importance of society now. However, one might argue that online shopping is associated with various stakeholders, such as packaging and shipping. This is predicated on the assumption that online shopping contributes to environmental harm through inorganic waste. On the other hand, some argue that online shopping can be more environmentally friendly than traditional shopping because it reduces the need to build or maintain physical stores and the number of vehicles required for shipping. Therefore, both online and traditional shopping have their advantages and disadvantages.

Besides all of the problems related to the environment, jobs play an important role in online shopping. Initially, shopping on the internet creates jobs for many people, such as delivery, logistics, and customer service. These jobs can help to raise employment and increase job opportunities for anyone without having to go directly to a physical location, namely online sales or digital marketing specialists. Furthermore, it also enhances both advantages and popularity; with just a smartphone, customers can book products much more easily without going out to buy directly. For instance, a person who is unable to work can leverage online sales to increase their income and create employment opportunities for themselves.

In conclusion, everything has two sides to it, and online shopping is no exception. This brings both positive and negative effects on the environment and jobs for people.