Topic 2: Some people say that family has the most powerful influence on a child’s development; however, others say that influences such as music, other people,... have the greatest influence on children. Discuss both views and give your opinion.

Topic 2: Some people say that family has the most powerful influence on a child’s development; however, others say that influences such as music, other people,… have the greatest influence on children. Discuss both views and give your opinion.

In the rapidly evolving global context, there is increasing emphasis on the primary factors affecting the development of children. Various proponents argue that family has severe impacts on nurturing a child, whereas some argue external factors are the greatest influence. Upon reflection, I am convinced that family is a more profound influence.
On the one hand, parental child-rearing has a significant impact on children‘s personalities and mentalities. To elucidate further, children who were raised in abusive and violent families tend to have timid or aggressive personalities, which can impose a burden on children’s developmental growth. For instance, if a child has been brought up in a disharmonious family, witnessed violent behaviors, and endured mistreatment, this child could potentially have violent behaviors and maltreatment with other people. In contrast, the children who were approached by parental nurturing as well as carefully taught are likely dutiful and mature. Thus, the positive influence of family is an essential prompt to orient a child.
On the flip side, it is unquestionable that external factors can also severely impact children. For example, music or art can boost compassion, imagination, as well as improve the cognitive process of a child. Consequently, a child can gain more soft skills and enhance their abilities to solve problems and have empathy with others. However, parental and family intervention is crucial in order to prevent harmful exposure. Delving deeper, children are curious and lack selected information skills, resulting in potential exposure to violence and obscene music and film, which is not suitable. Hence, although additional factors are able to bring out a favorable outcome, children still need the support and guidance of their parents.
In conclusion, based on the insightful analyses above, from my personal perspective, parental influence has the potential to engender a profound positive transformation. For the sake of children, they need to be exposed to a positive environment and require proper parenting.

Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

"there is increasing emphasis on the primary factors" -> "there is growing emphasis on the key factors"
Explanation: Replacing "primary" with "key" provides a more precise term that is commonly used in academic contexts to denote essential or crucial elements, enhancing the formal tone of the sentence.
"has severe impacts" -> "has significant impacts"
Explanation: "Severe" can imply a negative connotation, which may not be intended here. "Significant" is neutral and maintains the formal tone while conveying importance.
"Upon reflection, I am convinced" -> "Upon reflection, it is evident"
Explanation: Replacing "I am convinced" with "it is evident" shifts the focus from personal opinion to a more objective, academic tone, which is preferred in formal writing.
"parental child-rearing" -> "parenting"
Explanation: "Parental child-rearing" is redundant and verbose. "Parenting" is a more concise and commonly accepted term in academic discourse.
"children‘s personalities and mentalities" -> "children’s personalities and mental states"
Explanation: "Mentalities" is less precise and can be vague. "Mental states" is more specific and appropriate for describing psychological aspects in an academic context.
"tend to have timid or aggressive personalities" -> "tend to exhibit timid or aggressive behaviors"
Explanation: "Personalities" is less specific than "behaviors," which directly relates to observable actions, enhancing the precision of the statement.
"impose a burden on children’s developmental growth" -> "affect children’s developmental progress"
Explanation: "Impose a burden" is somewhat informal and vague. "Affect" is more neutral and academically appropriate, and "progress" is a more precise term than "growth" in this context.
"the positive influence of family is an essential prompt to orient a child" -> "the positive influence of family serves as a crucial guide for a child"
Explanation: "Prompt" is an unusual and less formal term in this context. "Guide" is more commonly used in academic writing to describe the role of influence in shaping behavior or development.
"it is unquestionable" -> "it is undeniable"
Explanation: "Unquestionable" can imply a level of certainty that may not be universally accepted. "Undeniable" is a more neutral term that maintains the strength of the statement without the emotional connotation.
"boost compassion, imagination, as well as improve the cognitive process" -> "enhance compassion, imagination, and cognitive processes"
Explanation: "Boost" is somewhat informal and less precise. "Enhance" is more formal and suitable for academic writing. Also, "improve the cognitive process" is redundant; "cognitive processes" is a more precise and natural phrasing.
"gain more soft skills" -> "develop additional soft skills"
Explanation: "Gain more" is somewhat informal and vague. "Develop additional" is more precise and formal, fitting the academic style better.
"have empathy with others" -> "develop empathy towards others"
Explanation: "Have empathy with" is less formal and slightly awkward. "Develop empathy towards" is more appropriate and commonly used in academic contexts.
"Delving deeper" -> "Furthermore"
Explanation: "Delving deeper" is informal and conversational. "Furthermore" is a more formal transitional phrase suitable for academic writing.
"lack selected information skills" -> "lack discernment in selecting information"
Explanation: "Lack selected information skills" is awkward and unclear. "Lack discernment in selecting information" clarifies the meaning and is more precise and formal.
"For the sake of children" -> "for the benefit of children"
Explanation: "For the sake of" is somewhat informal and less precise. "For the benefit of" is a more formal and clear expression, enhancing the academic tone.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 8

Band Score for Task Response: 8

Answer All Parts of the Question:
- Detailed explanation: The essay effectively addresses both sides of the argument regarding the influence of family versus external factors on a child’s development. The first body paragraph discusses the significant impact of family, particularly through examples of abusive versus nurturing environments. The second body paragraph acknowledges the role of external influences like music and art, while also emphasizing the necessity of parental guidance to mitigate potential negative effects. This balanced approach demonstrates a comprehensive understanding of the prompt.
- How to improve: To enhance the response further, the essay could benefit from a more explicit comparison between the two influences. For instance, after discussing each perspective, the writer could include a brief summary of how these influences interact or conflict with each other. This would provide a clearer synthesis of the arguments and strengthen the overall discussion.
Present a Clear Position Throughout:
- Detailed explanation: The essay maintains a clear position that family has a more profound influence on a child’s development. This stance is consistently presented, particularly in the conclusion, where the writer reiterates their belief in the importance of parental influence. However, the position could be more emphatically stated in the introduction to set a stronger tone for the essay.
- How to improve: To improve clarity of position, the writer should explicitly state their opinion in the introduction, possibly by rephrasing the thesis statement to reflect their stance more prominently. For example, stating "While both family and external factors influence a child’s development, I firmly believe that family plays the most critical role" would provide a clearer roadmap for the reader.
Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents and supports ideas well, particularly in the discussion of family influence, where specific examples illustrate the impact of different parenting styles. The mention of how external factors can enhance skills is also relevant, though it could be more deeply explored. The use of examples helps to substantiate claims, making the arguments more persuasive.
- How to improve: To strengthen the support for ideas, the writer could include more specific examples or studies that illustrate the effects of family dynamics or external influences on child development. Additionally, expanding on the potential negative impacts of external influences could provide a more balanced view and reinforce the argument for the importance of family.
Stay on Topic:
- Detailed explanation: The essay remains largely focused on the topic, discussing both family and external influences on child development. However, there are moments where the discussion of external factors could be more tightly linked back to the central argument about family influence. For example, while discussing music and art, the essay could more clearly relate these influences back to the necessity of parental guidance in navigating them.
- How to improve: To maintain focus, the writer should ensure that every point made about external influences is directly tied back to the main argument regarding family influence. This could involve explicitly stating how parental guidance can help children interpret or engage with external influences, thereby reinforcing the central thesis throughout the essay.

Overall, the essay demonstrates a strong understanding of the topic and effectively communicates the writer’s perspective, but it could benefit from clearer connections between points and a more robust exploration of examples.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 8

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 8

Organize Information Logically:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents a clear structure, beginning with an introduction that outlines the topic and the writer’s stance. Each body paragraph addresses a distinct viewpoint, with the first focusing on the influence of family and the second on external factors. The progression from discussing the negative impacts of a dysfunctional family to the positive aspects of nurturing is logical and effectively guides the reader through the argument. However, the transition between the two viewpoints could be smoother to enhance the overall flow.
- How to improve: To improve logical organization, consider using clearer transitional phrases between paragraphs and ideas. For instance, explicitly stating "While family influences are significant, external factors also play a crucial role" at the beginning of the second body paragraph would help in signaling the shift in focus. Additionally, summarizing the key points at the end of each paragraph could reinforce the logical connections between ideas.
Use Paragraphs:
- Detailed explanation: The essay effectively uses paragraphs to separate distinct ideas, with each paragraph focusing on a specific aspect of the argument. The introduction sets the stage, the body paragraphs delve into the two perspectives, and the conclusion summarizes the argument. However, the paragraphs could benefit from clearer topic sentences that encapsulate the main idea of each paragraph.
- How to improve: Strengthen the topic sentences at the beginning of each body paragraph to clearly outline the main point being discussed. For example, starting the first body paragraph with "Family plays a critical role in shaping a child’s personality and behavior" would provide immediate clarity. Additionally, ensuring that each paragraph contains a concluding sentence that ties back to the main argument can enhance coherence.
Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a good use of cohesive devices, such as "On the one hand," "In contrast," and "However," which help to connect ideas and indicate shifts in perspective. The use of phrases like "for instance" and "to elucidate further" also aids in providing examples and clarifications. Nevertheless, there is some repetition in the use of cohesive devices, which can detract from the overall fluency of the essay.
- How to improve: To diversify the range of cohesive devices, consider incorporating synonyms or alternative phrases. For example, instead of repeatedly using "on the one hand" and "on the flip side," you could use "alternatively" or "conversely." Additionally, varying sentence structures and lengths can improve the flow of ideas and maintain the reader’s interest. Using more advanced cohesive devices, such as "not only… but also" or "despite this," can also enhance the complexity of the writing.

Overall, the essay demonstrates strong coherence and cohesion, with a clear structure and logical flow. By focusing on improving transitions, enhancing topic sentences, and diversifying cohesive devices, the writer can further elevate the quality of their writing.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 7

Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a good range of vocabulary, with terms such as "nurturing," "abusive," "disharmonious," and "compassion" effectively used to convey complex ideas. The use of phrases like "profound influence" and "soft skills" illustrates an ability to employ more sophisticated vocabulary. However, there are instances where the vocabulary could be more varied; for example, the repeated use of "influence" and "impact" could be replaced with synonyms to enhance lexical diversity.
- How to improve: To improve, the writer should aim to incorporate a broader range of synonyms and related terms. For instance, instead of repeating "influence," alternatives like "effect," "impact," or "role" could be used. Additionally, exploring more nuanced vocabulary related to child development and external influences would enrich the essay.
Use Vocabulary Precisely:
- Detailed explanation: The essay generally uses vocabulary accurately, but there are moments of imprecision. For example, the phrase "impose a burden on children’s developmental growth" could be seen as vague. The term "impose" might not be the best choice in this context, as it suggests a forceful action that may not accurately reflect the subtleties of child development. Additionally, "timid or aggressive personalities" could be more precisely articulated as "anxiety or aggression."
- How to improve: To enhance precision, the writer should focus on selecting words that accurately reflect the intended meaning. For example, instead of "impose a burden," a more precise phrase could be "negatively affect." Furthermore, using specific adjectives to describe behaviors or traits would clarify the message, such as specifying "anxious" instead of "timid."
Use Correct Spelling:
- Detailed explanation: The essay displays a high level of spelling accuracy, with only minor errors present. For instance, "mentalities" is correctly spelled, but the phrase "violent behaviors and maltreatment with other people" could be clearer if rephrased. The overall spelling is consistent, contributing positively to the readability of the essay.
- How to improve: To maintain and improve spelling accuracy, the writer should continue to proofread their work carefully. Utilizing spelling and grammar checking tools can also help catch any overlooked errors. Additionally, practicing spelling for commonly used academic vocabulary can further enhance overall writing quality.

In summary, while the essay achieves a Band Score of 7 for Lexical Resource, there are clear areas for improvement in vocabulary range, precision, and spelling accuracy. By diversifying vocabulary, ensuring precise word choice, and maintaining careful proofreading practices, the writer can enhance their lexical resource further.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 7

Use a Wide Range of Structures:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a good variety of sentence structures. For instance, complex sentences such as "children who were raised in abusive and violent families tend to have timid or aggressive personalities" effectively convey nuanced ideas. Additionally, the use of conditional structures like "if a child has been brought up in a disharmonious family" adds depth to the argument. However, there are instances of repetitive sentence beginnings and a reliance on similar structures, such as "children" and "family," which can make the writing feel somewhat monotonous.
- How to improve: To enhance the variety of sentence structures, the writer could incorporate more varied sentence openings and use different grammatical forms. For example, starting sentences with adverbial phrases (e.g., "In many cases," "Despite the challenges," "Ultimately,") can help diversify the flow of the essay. Additionally, integrating more compound-complex sentences could further enrich the text. Practicing the use of participial phrases and relative clauses can also contribute to a more sophisticated range of structures.
Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:
- Detailed explanation: The essay generally maintains a good level of grammatical accuracy, with only a few minor errors. For example, the phrase "the positive influence of family is an essential prompt to orient a child" could be more clearly expressed as "the positive influence of family is essential in guiding a child." There are also punctuation issues, such as the inconsistent use of commas, particularly in complex sentences. For instance, the sentence "For example, music or art can boost compassion, imagination, as well as improve the cognitive process of a child" could benefit from clearer punctuation to separate the list of benefits more effectively.
- How to improve: To improve grammatical accuracy, the writer should focus on proofreading for common errors, particularly in subject-verb agreement and article usage. Additionally, practicing punctuation rules, especially regarding the use of commas in lists and complex sentences, will enhance clarity. It may be helpful to review specific grammar rules or use grammar-checking tools to identify and correct errors before finalizing the essay.

Overall, while the essay demonstrates a solid command of grammatical range and accuracy, focusing on diversifying sentence structures and refining grammatical and punctuation skills will help elevate the writing to a higher band score.

Bài sửa mẫu

In the rapidly evolving global context, there is a growing emphasis on the primary factors affecting the development of children. Various proponents argue that family has significant impacts on nurturing a child, whereas some argue that external factors are the greatest influence. Upon reflection, I am convinced that family is a more profound influence.

On the one hand, parental child-rearing has a significant impact on children’s personalities and mental states. To elucidate further, children who are raised in abusive and violent families tend to exhibit timid or aggressive behaviors, which can affect children’s developmental progress. For instance, if a child has been brought up in a disharmonious family, witnessed violent behaviors, and endured mistreatment, this child could potentially develop violent behaviors and mistreat others. In contrast, children who are nurtured by their parents and carefully taught are likely to be dutiful and mature. Thus, the positive influence of family serves as a crucial guide for a child.

On the flip side, it is undeniable that external factors can also severely impact children. For example, music or art can enhance compassion, imagination, and cognitive processes in a child. Consequently, a child can develop additional soft skills and improve their abilities to solve problems and develop empathy towards others. However, parental and family intervention is crucial in order to prevent harmful exposure. Delving deeper, children are curious and often lack discernment in selecting information, resulting in potential exposure to violence and inappropriate music and films, which are not suitable. Hence, although additional factors can bring about favorable outcomes, children still need the support and guidance of their parents.

In conclusion, based on the insightful analyses above, from my personal perspective, parental influence has the potential to engender a profound positive transformation. For the benefit of children, they need to be exposed to a positive environment and require proper parenting.