Topic 3: Today more and more people are overusing mobile phones and computers. Thus , the communication ability is losing. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this statement?

Apparently, many believe that an increasing number of people in the modern era are falling victim to overusing smart devices, which could ruin their ability to have face-to-face conversations. This essay totally agrees with this notion for several reasons.
On the one hand, those who disagree with this perspective might have some valid points. First, they might argue that modern devices, including smartphones and computers, enable people to have daily conversations without being hindered by distance. In fact, thanks to the development of internet infrastructure, people can easily connect with their families daily through smart devices using mobile applications like Facebook, Zalo, etc. For example, students who have left their hometowns to study can stay in touch with their immediate family members regularly, which helps prevent feelings of loneliness.
However, while smart devices are multifunctional and can be used not only for communication but also for entertainment, this versatility can negatively impact the quality of face-to-face conversations. The ease of access to various forms of entertainment on these devices often leads to distraction and reduced attention during in-person interactions. As a result, people may find themselves more engrossed in their screens than in engaging with those physically present, which diminishes their ability to maintain meaningful conversations.
In conclusion, while smart devices undoubtedly offer benefits by facilitating communication over long distances, their overuse can hinder face-to-face interactions. Overall, Entertainment and the constant connectivity provided by these devices can lead to a decline in the quality of in-person conversations.

Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

"Apparently" -> "It is evident"
Explanation: "Apparently" can sound somewhat informal and vague in academic writing. "It is evident" provides a more formal and precise introduction to the topic, aligning better with academic style.
"falling victim to overusing" -> "experiencing excessive use of"
Explanation: "Falling victim to" is colloquial and slightly negative. "Experiencing excessive use of" is more neutral and formal, suitable for academic discourse.
"totally agrees" -> "strongly agrees"
Explanation: "Totally" is an informal intensifier. "Strongly" is more appropriate for academic writing, as it maintains a formal tone without being overly emphatic.
"First, they might argue" -> "First, they could contend"
Explanation: "Might argue" is somewhat informal and less precise. "Could contend" is more formal and academically appropriate, suggesting a rational argument rather than a speculative one.
"daily conversations" -> "regular conversations"
Explanation: "Daily" can imply a frequency that might not always be accurate. "Regular" is more precise and flexible, suitable for describing the frequency of conversations without implying a strict daily schedule.
"thanks to the development of internet infrastructure" -> "owing to advancements in internet infrastructure"
Explanation: "Thanks to" is informal and conversational. "Owing to" is more formal and academically suitable, enhancing the tone of the sentence.
"mobile applications like Facebook, Zalo, etc." -> "mobile applications such as Facebook and Zalo"
Explanation: "Etc." is informal and can be seen as lazy writing. "And" is more precise and formal, and specifying the exact applications enhances clarity and formality.
"can stay in touch" -> "maintain contact"
Explanation: "Stay in touch" is a colloquial expression. "Maintain contact" is more formal and precise, fitting the academic style better.
"feelings of loneliness" -> "a sense of loneliness"
Explanation: "Feelings" is somewhat vague and informal. "A sense of loneliness" is more specific and formal, enhancing the academic tone.
"multifunctional" -> "versatile"
Explanation: While "multifunctional" is correct, "versatile" is more commonly used in academic contexts to describe devices with multiple uses, making it a more natural choice in this context.
"often leads to distraction and reduced attention" -> "frequently results in distraction and diminished attention"
Explanation: "Often" is somewhat informal and vague. "Frequently" is more precise and formal, and "diminished" is a more academic term than "reduced" in this context.
"engrossed in their screens" -> "engrossed in their screens"
Explanation: This is a repetition of the same phrase. It should be removed or rephrased to avoid redundancy.
"diminishes their ability" -> "impedes their ability"
Explanation: "Diminishes" can be seen as slightly informal and vague in this context. "Impedes" is more precise and formal, fitting the academic style better.
"Entertainment and the constant connectivity" -> "entertainment and the constant connectivity"
Explanation: This is a run-on sentence. Adding a conjunction or separating the clauses improves readability and formality.

These changes enhance the formality, precision, and clarity of the essay, aligning it more closely with academic writing standards.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 5

Band Score for Task Response: 5 – UNDER WORD

Answer All Parts of the Question:
- Detailed explanation: The essay addresses the prompt by agreeing with the statement that overusing mobile phones and computers negatively impacts communication abilities. However, it does not fully explore the extent of this agreement. The introduction mentions that the essay "totally agrees," but the body paragraphs present a counterargument without sufficiently addressing the extent to which the author agrees or disagrees with the statement. The essay lacks a clear exploration of the nuances of the argument, which is crucial for a higher band score.
- How to improve: To improve, the essay should explicitly state the extent of agreement or disagreement in the introduction and conclusion. The author could use phrases like "I partially agree" or "I strongly agree" and then elaborate on the reasons for this stance throughout the essay. Including a discussion on the balance between the benefits and drawbacks of technology in communication would also enhance the response.
Present a Clear Position Throughout:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents a clear position in favor of the statement but lacks consistency in reinforcing this stance throughout. The mention of counterarguments in the second paragraph, while valid, may confuse the reader regarding the author’s position. The transition from acknowledging the benefits of technology to emphasizing its drawbacks could be more seamless to maintain clarity.
- How to improve: To maintain a clear position, the author should ensure that each paragraph ties back to the main argument. After presenting a counterargument, the author should clearly refute it or explain how it does not outweigh the negative impacts. Using linking phrases that reinforce the main argument, such as "Despite these benefits, it is crucial to recognize…" would help maintain focus.
Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents some ideas and examples, such as the ability to communicate over long distances and the distractions caused by smart devices. However, the support for these ideas is somewhat limited. For instance, while the essay mentions that students can stay in touch with family, it does not delve into how this affects their communication skills or relationships in detail. The argument about distraction is introduced but could benefit from more specific examples or statistics to strengthen the claim.
- How to improve: To enhance the development and support of ideas, the author should provide more detailed examples and explanations. For instance, discussing specific scenarios where overuse of devices led to misunderstandings or reduced social skills would provide stronger support. Additionally, incorporating relevant studies or expert opinions on the impact of technology on communication could add depth to the argument.
Stay on Topic:
- Detailed explanation: The essay generally stays on topic, focusing on the impact of mobile phones and computers on communication abilities. However, the introduction could be more directly tied to the specific aspects of communication that are being affected. The mention of entertainment as a distraction is relevant but could be more explicitly linked to the decline in communication skills.
- How to improve: To maintain focus, the author should ensure that every point made directly relates back to the prompt. Clarifying how each example or argument ties into the overall thesis about communication skills would help keep the essay on topic. Additionally, avoiding tangential discussions about the benefits of technology unless they are directly countered with their negative impacts would help maintain relevance.

In summary, while the essay addresses the prompt, it requires more depth and clarity in exploring the extent of agreement, maintaining a consistent position, and supporting ideas with detailed examples. By focusing on these areas, the author can improve the overall quality of the essay and achieve a higher band score.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 7

Organize Information Logically:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents a clear argument that supports the idea that overuse of smart devices can negatively affect communication skills. The introduction effectively sets up the argument, and the body paragraphs are organized to present contrasting viewpoints. The first body paragraph discusses the counterargument, acknowledging that technology facilitates communication over distances, while the second body paragraph counters this by emphasizing the negative impact on face-to-face interactions. However, the transition between the two paragraphs could be smoother to enhance logical flow.
- How to improve: To enhance logical organization, consider using clearer topic sentences that explicitly state the main idea of each paragraph. Additionally, incorporating transitional phrases (e.g., "On the contrary," "Nevertheless") at the beginning of the second body paragraph would help clarify the relationship between the two points being discussed.
Use Paragraphs:
- Detailed explanation: The essay effectively uses paragraphs to separate different ideas, which aids readability. Each paragraph has a distinct focus: the first addresses the counterargument, and the second presents the writer’s main argument. However, the conclusion could be better integrated with the preceding paragraphs to reinforce the overall argument.
- How to improve: Ensure that the conclusion not only summarizes the main points but also reinforces the thesis statement. This could be achieved by explicitly linking back to the main argument presented in the introduction and body paragraphs. Additionally, consider breaking down longer paragraphs into smaller ones if they contain multiple ideas, as this can improve clarity and focus.
Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a good use of cohesive devices, such as "first," "however," and "as a result," which help to connect ideas within and between paragraphs. However, the range of cohesive devices could be expanded to include more varied linking words and phrases, which would enhance the flow of the essay.
- How to improve: To diversify the use of cohesive devices, incorporate a wider variety of linking words and phrases. For instance, instead of repeating "however," consider alternatives like "on the other hand" or "in contrast." Additionally, using phrases that indicate cause and effect (e.g., "due to," "therefore") or examples (e.g., "for instance," "such as") can further enhance cohesion and clarity.

In summary, while the essay demonstrates a solid understanding of the topic and presents a coherent argument, improvements in logical organization, paragraph integration, and the variety of cohesive devices could elevate the overall quality and coherence of the writing.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 6

Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a reasonable range of vocabulary, with terms such as "overusing," "victim," "multifunctional," and "engrossed." However, the vocabulary tends to be somewhat repetitive, particularly in the discussion of smart devices and communication. For instance, the phrases "smart devices" and "communication" are used multiple times without variation, which can limit the overall lexical diversity.
- How to improve: To enhance the range of vocabulary, the writer could incorporate synonyms and related terms. For example, instead of repeatedly using "smart devices," alternatives like "digital technology," "mobile gadgets," or "electronic devices" could be employed. Additionally, varying expressions for "communication" such as "interaction," "dialogue," or "conversational skills" would enrich the vocabulary.
Use Vocabulary Precisely:
- Detailed explanation: The essay generally uses vocabulary appropriately, but there are instances where the precision could be improved. For example, the phrase "falling victim to overusing smart devices" could be seen as somewhat dramatic and may not accurately convey the intended meaning. Additionally, the term "entertainment" is used broadly and could be more specific, as it encompasses a wide range of activities.
- How to improve: To improve precision, the writer should consider the context in which vocabulary is used. Instead of "falling victim," a more neutral phrase like "experiencing challenges due to excessive use" might better reflect the argument. Furthermore, specifying types of entertainment (e.g., "video games," "streaming services," or "social media") would provide clearer insights into the distractions posed by smart devices.
Use Correct Spelling:
- Detailed explanation: The spelling in the essay is generally accurate, with no significant errors noted. Words such as "communication," "infrastructure," and "loneliness" are spelled correctly, indicating a solid grasp of spelling conventions.
- How to improve: To maintain and enhance spelling accuracy, the writer should continue to proofread their work carefully. Utilizing spell-check tools and reading the essay aloud can help catch any potential errors. Additionally, practicing spelling difficult words in context can reinforce correct spelling habits.

In summary, while the essay demonstrates a competent use of vocabulary, there are opportunities for improvement in terms of range, precision, and maintaining spelling accuracy. By diversifying vocabulary, using more precise terms, and continuing to practice spelling, the writer can enhance their lexical resource and potentially achieve a higher band score.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 7

Use a Wide Range of Structures:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a reasonable range of sentence structures. For instance, the use of complex sentences such as "First, they might argue that modern devices, including smartphones and computers, enable people to have daily conversations without being hindered by distance" showcases an ability to connect ideas effectively. However, there is a tendency to rely on similar sentence patterns, particularly in the introductory and concluding paragraphs, which can limit the overall variety. The use of phrases like "on the one hand" and "however" indicates an understanding of discourse markers, but their repetition can make the writing feel formulaic.
- How to improve: To enhance the variety of sentence structures, consider incorporating more compound-complex sentences and varying the placement of clauses. For example, instead of starting multiple sentences with "First" or "However," try beginning with an adverbial phrase or a dependent clause. Additionally, using more varied transition words can help create a smoother flow and maintain the reader’s interest.
Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:
- Detailed explanation: The essay generally maintains grammatical accuracy, with few errors. For example, the phrase "which could ruin their ability to have face-to-face conversations" is correctly structured and punctuated. However, there are minor issues with punctuation, such as the unnecessary comma in "Thus , the communication ability is losing," which should be corrected to "Thus, the communication ability is losing." Additionally, the phrase "Entertainment and the constant connectivity provided by these devices can lead to a decline in the quality of in-person conversations" could be clearer with a slight rephrasing for better parallel structure.
- How to improve: To improve grammatical accuracy, pay close attention to punctuation rules, particularly around commas and conjunctions. Reviewing the rules for comma usage, especially in complex sentences, can help eliminate minor errors. Furthermore, ensure that all elements in a list or series maintain a consistent structure to enhance clarity. Regular practice with grammar exercises and seeking feedback on sentence construction can also aid in refining these skills.

Overall, while the essay demonstrates a solid command of grammatical range and accuracy, focusing on diversifying sentence structures and refining punctuation will help elevate the writing to a higher band score.

Bài sửa mẫu

Apparently, many believe that an increasing number of people in the modern era are falling victim to the excessive use of smart devices, which could ruin their ability to have face-to-face conversations. This essay strongly agrees with this notion for several reasons.

On the one hand, those who disagree with this perspective might have some valid points. First, they could contend that modern devices, including smartphones and computers, enable people to have daily conversations without being hindered by distance. In fact, owing to advancements in internet infrastructure, people can easily connect with their families daily through smart devices using mobile applications such as Facebook and Zalo. For example, students who have left their hometowns to study can maintain contact with their immediate family members regularly, which helps prevent feelings of loneliness.

However, while smart devices are versatile and can be used not only for communication but also for entertainment, this versatility can negatively impact the quality of face-to-face conversations. The ease of access to various forms of entertainment on these devices frequently results in distraction and diminished attention during in-person interactions. As a result, people may find themselves more engrossed in their screens than in engaging with those physically present, which impedes their ability to maintain meaningful conversations.

In conclusion, while smart devices undoubtedly offer benefits by facilitating communication over long distances, their overuse can hinder face-to-face interactions. Overall, entertainment and the constant connectivity provided by these devices can lead to a decline in the quality of in-person conversations.