TOPIC: BEING A CELEBRITY SUCH AS A FAMOUS FILM STAR OR SPORTS PERSONALITY- brings problems as well as benefits. Do the advantages outweigh the disadvantages?

It is believed that being a public figure such as a film star or sports personality brings drawbacks as well as benefits. As far as I concerned, becoming famous has both advantages and disadvantages.
On the one hand, there are a number of benefits of being a well-known person. Fistly, it can allow people to have a desirable lifestyle. Fame and name recognition that comes with being celebrities provides them with plenty of well-paid job opportunities such as becoming a brand ambassador, getting endorsement contracts or running their own business. Therefore, they are able to earn a fortune and live a life of luxury like purchasing classic cars, wearing fashionable clothes or living in mansions. Additonally, being famous also brings people lots of education and development opportunities. Fame makes it possible for people to meet and have direct interaction with many talents around the world. This will in turn let them gain knowledge as well as practical skills and then help them broaden their horizon to develop profession more successfully.
On the other hand, although being a public figure is beneficial, it also causes several problems. The first drawback is it perceived lack of privacy. There are paparazzis who chase and take photos of famous people illegally, leading to their irritability and uncomfort. Besides, being a well-known person means that all personal information can be leaked to the public without permission for commercial purposes. Every moment of their lives might be highlighted in every social platforms, resulting in their familes’ or relationship’s suffering and making them more susceptible to dramas or scandals. Secondly, becoming famous can cause an uncontrollably extravagant lifestyle. Great renown provides a wide range of lucrative job opportunities and then they can get a high salary. However, this also leads to a problem that they are in the habit of spending money unnecessarily in shopping or travelling without planning carefully. As a consequence, they will face up to serious financial loss.
In conclusion, I strongly believe that being a celebrity brings benefits and drawbacks as well. Given the advantages mentioned above, it is worth considering the potential troubles related to privacy and lifestyle.

Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

"As far as I concerned" -> "As far as I am concerned"
Explanation: The correct phrase is "As far as I am concerned," which is a common idiomatic expression used to introduce a personal opinion or perspective in formal writing.
"Fistly" -> "Firstly"
Explanation: "Fistly" is a typographical error and should be corrected to "Firstly" for proper spelling and grammatical accuracy.
"well-known person" -> "well-known individual"
Explanation: "Individual" is a more formal and precise term than "person" in academic contexts, enhancing the formality of the language.
"celebrities" -> "celebrities"
Explanation: The term "celebrities" is correct and does not need modification, but it could be replaced with "public figures" for a more formal tone.
"plenty of well-paid job opportunities" -> "numerous lucrative job opportunities"
Explanation: "Numerous lucrative job opportunities" is more precise and formal than "plenty of well-paid job opportunities," which is somewhat informal and vague.
"earn a fortune and live a life of luxury" -> "amass a significant fortune and enjoy a luxurious lifestyle"
Explanation: "Amass a significant fortune" and "enjoy a luxurious lifestyle" are more precise and formal expressions, suitable for academic writing.
"purchasing classic cars, wearing fashionable clothes or living in mansions" -> "purchasing luxury vehicles, wearing high-end attire, or residing in mansions"
Explanation: "Luxury vehicles," "high-end attire," and "residing" are more specific and formal terms than "classic cars," "fashionable clothes," and "living."
"Additonally" -> "Additionally"
Explanation: Corrects a typographical error to maintain professionalism and accuracy.
"lots of education and development opportunities" -> "numerous educational and developmental opportunities"
Explanation: "Numerous educational and developmental opportunities" is more formal and precise than "lots of education and development opportunities."
"it perceived lack of privacy" -> "the perceived lack of privacy"
Explanation: Corrects the grammatical structure to "the perceived lack of privacy" for proper noun-verb agreement.
"paparazzis" -> "paparazzi"
Explanation: Corrects the spelling of the word "paparazzi" to its correct form.
"irritability and uncomfort" -> "irritability and discomfort"
Explanation: Corrects the spelling of "uncomfort" to "discomfort" for grammatical accuracy.
"Every moment of their lives might be highlighted in every social platforms" -> "Every moment of their lives may be highlighted on various social platforms"
Explanation: "May" is more formal than "might," and "on various social platforms" is more precise than "in every social platforms."
"familes’ or relationship’s suffering" -> "the suffering of their families or relationships"
Explanation: "The suffering of their families or relationships" is grammatically correct and more formal than "familes’ or relationship’s suffering."
"making them more susceptible to dramas or scandals" -> "rendering them more susceptible to scandals and dramas"
Explanation: "Rendering them more susceptible to scandals and dramas" is a more formal and precise way to express the idea.
"uncontrollably extravagant lifestyle" -> "uncontrollable extravagant lifestyle"
Explanation: "Uncontrollable" is the correct adjective form to describe the lifestyle, enhancing the sentence’s grammatical accuracy.
"they will face up to serious financial loss" -> "they may face significant financial losses"
Explanation: "May face significant financial losses" is more formal and avoids the colloquial "face up to," which is not typically used in academic writing.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 8

Band Score for Task Response: 8

Answer All Parts of the Question:
- Detailed explanation: The essay effectively addresses the prompt by discussing both the advantages and disadvantages of being a celebrity. The writer presents a balanced view, outlining benefits such as lifestyle improvements and educational opportunities, while also highlighting drawbacks like loss of privacy and financial irresponsibility. Each aspect of the question is covered, demonstrating a comprehensive understanding of the topic.
- How to improve: To enhance the response, the writer could explicitly state whether they believe the advantages outweigh the disadvantages in the introduction and conclusion. This would provide a clearer answer to the prompt and strengthen the overall argument.
Present a Clear Position Throughout:
- Detailed explanation: The essay maintains a clear position that acknowledges both sides of the argument. However, the phrase "As far as I concerned" is slightly awkward and detracts from the clarity of the position. The conclusion reiterates the dual nature of celebrity life but does not decisively state which side is more significant, which could lead to ambiguity.
- How to improve: The writer should refine their introductory statement to clearly express their stance. Additionally, the conclusion could be strengthened by explicitly stating whether they believe the advantages outweigh the disadvantages or vice versa, providing a definitive answer to the prompt.
Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents several well-developed ideas, such as the financial benefits of fame and the educational opportunities it provides. Each point is supported with examples, such as the mention of brand endorsements and the impact of paparazzi on privacy. However, some ideas could be further elaborated; for instance, the mention of “broadening their horizon” could benefit from specific examples of how this occurs.
- How to improve: To improve the depth of the argument, the writer could include more specific examples or anecdotes that illustrate the points made. For instance, referencing a well-known celebrity who has experienced both the benefits and drawbacks could provide a more compelling argument.
Stay on Topic:
- Detailed explanation: The essay generally stays on topic, focusing on the advantages and disadvantages of being a celebrity. However, there are moments where the discussion could be more tightly focused. For example, the transition between discussing privacy issues and financial irresponsibility could be smoother to maintain coherence.
- How to improve: The writer should ensure that each paragraph transitions logically to the next. Using clear topic sentences at the beginning of each paragraph can help maintain focus and guide the reader through the argument. Additionally, avoiding overly broad statements and keeping the discussion centered on the prompt will enhance the essay’s relevance.

Overall, the essay demonstrates a strong understanding of the task and presents a balanced view of the topic. With slight adjustments to clarity of position, depth of support, and coherence, it could achieve an even higher band score.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 8

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 8

Organize Information Logically:
- Detailed explanation: The essay is well-structured, presenting a clear argument that balances both the advantages and disadvantages of being a celebrity. The introduction effectively sets the stage for the discussion, and the body paragraphs are organized into distinct sections that address each side of the argument. For example, the first body paragraph discusses the benefits, such as lifestyle and educational opportunities, while the second body paragraph focuses on the drawbacks, including privacy issues and financial habits. This logical organization aids the reader in following the argument.
- How to improve: To enhance logical flow, consider using more explicit linking phrases between points. For instance, when transitioning from discussing benefits to drawbacks, a phrase like "Conversely" or "On the flip side" could help signal the shift more clearly. Additionally, ensuring that each point within the paragraphs is directly tied back to the main argument can strengthen coherence.
Use Paragraphs:
- Detailed explanation: The essay effectively uses paragraphs to separate different ideas, which is crucial for clarity. Each paragraph has a clear focus, with the first addressing the benefits of fame and the second discussing its disadvantages. However, the paragraphs could be more balanced in terms of length and depth; the first paragraph is more detailed than the second, which could lead to an imbalance in the argument presented.
- How to improve: To improve paragraphing, consider expanding the second paragraph with more examples or details about the drawbacks of fame. This could include discussing the psychological impact of constant public scrutiny or the potential for addiction to the celebrity lifestyle. Ensuring that both sides of the argument are equally developed will enhance the overall strength of the essay.
Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a good use of cohesive devices, such as "On the one hand" and "On the other hand," which effectively guide the reader through the contrasting points. However, the use of cohesive devices could be more varied. For instance, while there are some transitions, the essay relies heavily on basic connectors and could benefit from more sophisticated linking words and phrases.
- How to improve: To diversify cohesive devices, consider incorporating a wider range of linking phrases and conjunctions. For example, using phrases like "In addition," "Furthermore," or "Moreover" can help to connect ideas within paragraphs more fluidly. Additionally, employing contrasting conjunctions such as "However," "Nevertheless," or "Despite this" can enhance the discussion of opposing viewpoints. This will not only improve cohesion but also demonstrate a higher level of language proficiency.

Overall, the essay is strong in coherence and cohesion, with a clear structure and logical flow. By addressing the suggestions for improvement, the writer can further enhance the clarity and effectiveness of their argument.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 6

Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a fair range of vocabulary related to the topic of celebrity culture, such as "public figure," "fame," "endorsement contracts," and "lucrative job opportunities." However, there are instances where the vocabulary used is somewhat repetitive or basic, such as the frequent use of "famous" and "well-known." Additionally, phrases like "desirable lifestyle" and "life of luxury" could be varied to enhance the richness of the language.
- How to improve: To improve, the writer should aim to incorporate more synonyms and varied expressions. For instance, instead of repeatedly using "famous," alternatives like "renowned," "celebrated," or "prominent" could be employed. Expanding vocabulary through reading and practicing synonyms in context can help achieve this.
Use Vocabulary Precisely:
- Detailed explanation: There are moments of imprecise vocabulary usage, such as "irritability and uncomfort," where "irritation" would be more appropriate than "irritability," and "discomfort" instead of "uncomfort." Additionally, phrases like "suffering and making them more susceptible to dramas or scandals" could be clearer; "suffering" could be replaced with "experiencing difficulties" for better precision.
- How to improve: To enhance precision, the writer should focus on understanding the nuances of words and their appropriate contexts. Using a thesaurus can help find more accurate terms, but it is crucial to ensure that the chosen words fit the context correctly. Practicing writing with a focus on clarity and specificity will also be beneficial.
Use Correct Spelling:
- Detailed explanation: The essay contains several spelling errors, such as "Fistly" (should be "Firstly"), "Additonally" (should be "Additionally"), and "familes" (should be "families"). These errors detract from the overall professionalism of the writing and can confuse the reader.
- How to improve: To improve spelling accuracy, the writer should develop a habit of proofreading their work before submission. Utilizing spell-check tools and reading the essay aloud can help catch errors. Additionally, maintaining a personal list of commonly misspelled words and practicing them can enhance spelling skills over time.

In summary, while the essay demonstrates a reasonable command of vocabulary, there are clear areas for improvement in range, precision, and spelling. By actively expanding vocabulary, focusing on word choice, and enhancing spelling accuracy through practice and proofreading, the writer can work towards achieving a higher band score in Lexical Resource.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 7

Use a Wide Range of Structures:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a good variety of sentence structures, including simple, compound, and complex sentences. For instance, the use of phrases like "being a public figure such as a film star or sports personality" and "although being a public figure is beneficial" showcases an ability to construct complex ideas. However, there are instances of repetitive structures, particularly in the way benefits and drawbacks are introduced (e.g., "On the one hand" and "On the other hand"). This can make the writing feel somewhat formulaic.
- How to improve: To diversify sentence structures, consider varying the introductory phrases and using more complex clauses. For example, instead of consistently using "On the one hand" and "On the other hand," you might introduce contrasting ideas with phrases like "Conversely" or "In contrast." Additionally, incorporating more varied sentence lengths can enhance the flow and engagement of the essay.
Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:
- Detailed explanation: The essay contains several grammatical errors and punctuation issues that detract from its overall clarity. For example, "As far as I concerned" should be "As far as I am concerned." There are also spelling errors such as "Fistly" (should be "Firstly") and "Additonally" (should be "Additionally"). Furthermore, phrases like "leading to their irritability and uncomfort" could be more accurately expressed as "leading to their irritability and discomfort." The misuse of articles and prepositions is also present, such as "the irritability" instead of "irritability."
- How to improve: To improve grammatical accuracy, it is essential to proofread the essay carefully to catch spelling and grammatical errors. Consider practicing common grammatical structures and reviewing rules related to articles, prepositions, and verb tenses. Additionally, using grammar-checking tools can help identify errors before finalizing the essay. Regular practice with writing exercises focused on these areas can also enhance overall grammatical proficiency.

By addressing these points, the essay can achieve a higher band score in Grammatical Range and Accuracy, showcasing a more varied sentence structure and improved grammatical accuracy.

Bài sửa mẫu

It is widely believed that being a public figure, such as a film star or sports personality, brings both drawbacks and benefits. As far as I am concerned, becoming famous has its advantages and disadvantages.

On the one hand, there are numerous benefits to being a well-known individual. Firstly, it can allow people to enjoy a desirable lifestyle. The fame and recognition that come with being a celebrity provide them with numerous lucrative job opportunities, such as becoming a brand ambassador, securing endorsement contracts, or running their own businesses. Therefore, they are able to amass a significant fortune and enjoy a luxurious lifestyle, which includes purchasing classic cars, wearing high-end attire, or residing in mansions. Additionally, being famous also opens up numerous educational and developmental opportunities. Fame enables individuals to meet and interact directly with many talented people from around the world. This, in turn, allows them to gain knowledge and practical skills, helping them broaden their horizons and develop their professions more successfully.

On the other hand, although being a public figure is beneficial, it also presents several challenges. The first drawback is the perceived lack of privacy. There are paparazzi who chase and take photos of famous individuals illegally, leading to irritability and discomfort. Furthermore, being a well-known person means that all personal information can be leaked to the public without permission for commercial purposes. Every moment of their lives may be highlighted on various social platforms, resulting in the suffering of their families or relationships and rendering them more susceptible to scandals and dramas. Secondly, becoming famous can lead to an uncontrollable extravagant lifestyle. Great renown provides a wide range of lucrative job opportunities, allowing them to earn a high salary. However, this can also result in a tendency to spend money unnecessarily on shopping or traveling without careful planning. As a consequence, they may face significant financial losses.

In conclusion, I strongly believe that being a celebrity brings both benefits and drawbacks. Given the advantages mentioned above, it is essential to consider the potential troubles related to privacy and lifestyle.