Topic: Professional workers like doctors, nurses and teachers make a great contribution to the society, so they should be paid more than sports and entertainment personalities. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

In today’s world, where some professional careers such as doctors, nurses and teachers are hold in high esteem, the significance of the individuals working in sports and entertainment personalities might seem to pale in comparision. From my point of view, none of these sectors should be priortized at the expense of the others.
It is true that directing moneys toward professional employees like doctors, nurse and teachers hold significance for a nation. First and foremost, given their effort and money on learning many subjects related to medical field that doctors and nurses should be paid more. Becoming a doctor and nurse is such demanding which requires much effort, time and money to be a professional position. For example, in VietNam, not only do the students have to spend about 7-10 years studying at universities and institutions to get the master’s degree, but also based on many hands-on experience to become the professional workers. Furthermore, due to the triumph in creating the high quality’s generations for society who make a contribution to the sustainable development in a country. Teachers are responsible for educating and nurturing a new genaration, therefore, such time and effort was paid for childrens from teachers
Nevertheless, it cannot be denied that working at art and sport sectors makes a contribution to the country’s development that should be paid more. The first rational is that being an athlete or an entertainer is not an easy job which needs to sacrifice their time with families and friends for the painstaking practice and have a busy schedule that most people cannot do in order that these people could reach the victory to their home country to promote patriotism in each individuals, also boost the national unity. In addition, entertainment should be a way to advertise the culture and habit. Such numerous songs in these day is made which is inspired from traditional melody or literature’s essay, in a results, people can potentially promote the cultural diversity globally and keep the beauty of culture and tradition for the next generations. For instance, Hoang Thi Linh’s songs in VietNam was very famous for not only Vietnamese people but also people from all over the world such as “See Tinh” or “Em day chang phai Thuy Kieu”, all of which are inspried from Vietnamese literature and the catchy melody for people to be attracted to gain many tractions from the music person.
In conclusion, the governments should pay more attention to either people working in medical fields or entertaining fields to ensure their time, effort, and money spending to contribute their country. Such the harmonious distribution between these fields will be the best method to yield the best outcomes in the future.

Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

"hold in high esteem" -> "are highly regarded"
Explanation: "Are highly regarded" is a more formal and precise expression, suitable for academic writing, compared to the idiomatic "hold in high esteem."
"pale in comparision" -> "appear less significant in comparison"
Explanation: "Appear less significant in comparison" corrects the spelling error and uses more formal language, enhancing the academic tone.
"priortized" -> "prioritized"
Explanation: Corrects the spelling error to "prioritized," ensuring accuracy and professionalism in the text.
"directing moneys toward" -> "allocating funds to"
Explanation: "Allocating funds to" is a more precise and formal way to describe the distribution of resources, replacing the less formal "directing moneys toward."
"nurse and teachers" -> "nurses and teachers"
Explanation: Corrects the grammatical error by adding the plural form "s" to "nurse" to match the plural subject "nurses."
"many subjects related to medical field" -> "various subjects in the medical field"
Explanation: "Various subjects in the medical field" is more precise and formal, improving clarity and academic tone.
"Becoming a doctor and nurse is such demanding" -> "Becoming a doctor or nurse is so demanding"
Explanation: Corrects the grammatical structure and uses "so" instead of "such" for a more natural and formal expression.
"many hands-on experience" -> "extensive practical experience"
Explanation: "Extensive practical experience" is a more formal and precise term than "many hands-on experience."
"the high quality’s generations" -> "high-quality generations"
Explanation: Corrects the possessive error and simplifies the phrase for clarity and formality.
"such time and effort was paid for childrens" -> "such time and effort is invested in educating children"
Explanation: "Is invested in educating children" corrects the grammatical error and clarifies the meaning, enhancing the formal tone.
"working at art and sport sectors" -> "working in the arts and sports sectors"
Explanation: "In the arts and sports sectors" corrects the preposition and pluralizes "sport" for grammatical accuracy.
"makes a contribution to the country’s development that should be paid more" -> "contributes significantly to national development and deserves greater recognition"
Explanation: "Contributes significantly to national development and deserves greater recognition" is more precise and formal, avoiding the awkward construction of the original phrase.
"such numerous songs in these day" -> "such numerous songs today"
Explanation: Corrects the grammatical structure and removes the unnecessary word "these," making the phrase more concise and formal.
"in a results" -> "as a result"
Explanation: Corrects the preposition to "as a result," which is the correct idiomatic expression.
"keep the beauty of culture and tradition for the next generations" -> "preserve the cultural heritage for future generations"
Explanation: "Preserve the cultural heritage for future generations" uses more precise and formal language, enhancing the academic tone.
"tractions from the music person" -> "traction from the music industry"
Explanation: Corrects the grammatical error and clarifies the intended meaning by specifying "the music industry."
"the best method to yield the best outcomes" -> "the most effective approach to achieve the best outcomes"
Explanation: "The most effective approach to achieve the best outcomes" is more formal and precise, improving the academic quality of the conclusion.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Task Response: 6

Answer All Parts of the Question:
- Detailed explanation: The essay attempts to address the prompt by discussing both the contributions of professional workers (doctors, nurses, and teachers) and those in the sports and entertainment sectors. However, the response lacks a clear stance on the extent to which the author agrees or disagrees with the statement. The phrase "none of these sectors should be prioritized at the expense of the others" suggests a neutral position but does not directly engage with the prompt’s request for an opinion on whether professional workers should be paid more than entertainers.
- How to improve: To enhance the response, the writer should explicitly state their position regarding the comparison of salaries between the two sectors. They could use phrases like "I strongly agree that…" or "I partially disagree because…" to clarify their viewpoint. Additionally, ensuring that each part of the question is addressed with specific examples and reasoning will strengthen the argument.
Present a Clear Position Throughout:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents a somewhat ambiguous position. While it acknowledges the importance of both sectors, it fails to maintain a clear, consistent stance throughout the essay. The introduction suggests a balanced view, but the body paragraphs contain arguments that could be interpreted as favoring one side over the other without a definitive conclusion on the matter.
- How to improve: To present a clearer position, the author should decide on a specific viewpoint and consistently support it throughout the essay. This could involve dedicating a paragraph to each sector, clearly stating the reasons for their stance, and concluding with a strong summary that reinforces their position.
Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents several ideas regarding the contributions of both sectors, but the development of these ideas is inconsistent. For instance, the discussion about the educational journey of doctors and nurses is somewhat detailed, but the points about entertainers lack depth and specific examples. The reasoning behind why entertainers should be paid more is not as thoroughly explored as the arguments for professional workers.
- How to improve: To improve the presentation and support of ideas, the writer should ensure that each argument is fully developed with clear examples and explanations. For instance, when discussing the contributions of entertainers, the author could elaborate on specific ways these contributions impact society, such as economic benefits or cultural significance, and provide more concrete examples to illustrate their points.
Stay on Topic:
- Detailed explanation: Overall, the essay stays relatively focused on the topic, but there are moments where the relevance of certain points could be questioned. For example, the discussion about cultural promotion through entertainment is relevant but could be more directly tied back to the question of salary comparison. Additionally, some sentences are convoluted and may confuse the reader about their relevance to the main argument.
- How to improve: To maintain focus, the writer should ensure that each paragraph clearly relates back to the central question of salary comparison. They could use topic sentences that explicitly connect the content of each paragraph to the prompt, and avoid overly complex sentences that may detract from clarity. Regularly revisiting the prompt while writing can help keep the response on track.

By addressing these areas for improvement, the writer can enhance the clarity, coherence, and overall effectiveness of their essay, potentially raising their band score in the Task Response criteria.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 7

Organize Information Logically:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents a clear argument regarding the value of different professions, with distinct sections addressing both sides of the debate. The introduction sets the stage for the discussion, while the body paragraphs delve into the contributions of medical professionals and entertainers. However, the logical flow is occasionally disrupted by unclear transitions and a lack of clear topic sentences that guide the reader through the argument. For example, the transition between discussing the contributions of teachers and the role of entertainers could be smoother to enhance the overall coherence.
- How to improve: To enhance logical organization, the writer should ensure that each paragraph begins with a clear topic sentence that encapsulates the main idea. Additionally, using transitional phrases such as "on the other hand," "furthermore," or "in contrast" can help guide the reader through the argument more effectively. Structuring the essay with a clear outline before writing can also assist in maintaining a logical flow.
Use Paragraphs:
- Detailed explanation: The essay utilizes paragraphs to separate different ideas, which is a strength. However, some paragraphs are overly long and contain multiple ideas that could be better served by breaking them into smaller, more focused paragraphs. For instance, the paragraph discussing the contributions of medical professionals combines several points about education, effort, and societal impact without clear separation.
- How to improve: The writer should aim to create one main idea per paragraph, ensuring that each paragraph contains a clear focus. This can be achieved by breaking down lengthy paragraphs into smaller ones, each with a specific point supported by examples. This approach will not only improve readability but also enhance the overall clarity of the argument.
Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates some use of cohesive devices, such as "first and foremost," "in addition," and "for example," which help to connect ideas. However, the range of cohesive devices is somewhat limited, and there are instances where the connections between sentences and ideas could be clearer. For example, the phrase "the first rational is that" could be better expressed as "one reason for this is that," which is more natural and fluid.
- How to improve: To diversify the use of cohesive devices, the writer should incorporate a broader range of linking words and phrases, such as "moreover," "consequently," and "however." Additionally, ensuring that cohesive devices are used appropriately in context will enhance clarity. Practicing the use of these devices in different contexts can help the writer become more comfortable with their application.

Overall, while the essay demonstrates a good understanding of the topic and presents a balanced argument, focusing on improving logical organization, refining paragraph structure, and expanding the use of cohesive devices will help elevate the coherence and cohesion to a higher level.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 6

Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a reasonable range of vocabulary, with terms such as "hold in high esteem," "significance," and "sustainable development." However, there are instances of repetition and limited variation in word choice. For example, the phrase "paid more" is used multiple times without synonyms or variations, which detracts from the overall lexical diversity.
- How to improve: To enhance vocabulary range, consider using synonyms or related phrases. For instance, instead of repeatedly saying "paid more," alternatives like "compensated adequately" or "receive higher remuneration" could be employed. Additionally, incorporating more academic or formal vocabulary related to the topic could elevate the essay’s sophistication.
Use Vocabulary Precisely:
- Detailed explanation: There are several instances of imprecise vocabulary usage that affect clarity. For example, the phrase "the significance of the individuals working in sports and entertainment personalities" could be more clearly articulated as "the contributions of individuals in the sports and entertainment sectors." Additionally, the term "high quality’s generations" is awkward and unclear; it would be better expressed as "high-quality generations."
- How to improve: Focus on using vocabulary that accurately conveys the intended meaning. Reviewing phrases and ensuring they fit the context can help. For instance, instead of "the triumph in creating the high quality’s generations," consider rephrasing to "the success in nurturing high-quality individuals." This will improve clarity and precision.
Use Correct Spelling:
- Detailed explanation: The essay contains several spelling errors, such as "comparision" (comparison), "priortized" (prioritized), "genaration" (generation), and "inspried" (inspired). These errors can distract the reader and undermine the overall quality of the writing.
- How to improve: To enhance spelling accuracy, it is advisable to proofread the essay carefully before submission. Utilizing spell-check tools and reading the essay aloud can help catch errors. Additionally, maintaining a personal list of commonly misspelled words and practicing them can be beneficial. Regular writing practice with a focus on spelling can also lead to improvement over time.

In summary, while the essay demonstrates a solid understanding of the topic and presents relevant arguments, there are areas for improvement in vocabulary range, precision, and spelling. By addressing these aspects, the overall quality of the writing can be significantly enhanced, potentially leading to a higher band score in the Lexical Resource criterion.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 6

Use a Wide Range of Structures:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates some variety in sentence structures, including simple, compound, and complex sentences. For example, the use of phrases like "In today’s world, where some professional careers such as doctors, nurses and teachers are hold in high esteem" shows an attempt at complexity. However, many sentences are either overly simplistic or awkwardly constructed, such as "Becoming a doctor and nurse is such demanding which requires much effort, time and money to be a professional position." This sentence lacks clarity and proper structure, which detracts from the overall effectiveness of the argument.
- How to improve: To enhance the range of structures, the writer should practice using more varied sentence beginnings and incorporating different clauses. For instance, instead of starting multiple sentences with "It is true that" or "In addition," the writer could use participial phrases or subordinate clauses to create more complex sentences. Additionally, reviewing sentence structure rules and practicing with exercises focused on combining sentences could be beneficial.
Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:
- Detailed explanation: The essay contains several grammatical errors and punctuation issues that hinder clarity. For example, "the significance of the individuals working in sports and entertainment personalities might seem to pale in comparision" contains a spelling error ("comparision" should be "comparison"). Additionally, phrases like "such demanding which requires much effort" are grammatically incorrect; it should be "such a demanding role which requires much effort." Punctuation is also inconsistent, particularly with commas, leading to run-on sentences and unclear phrasing.
- How to improve: To improve grammatical accuracy, the writer should focus on proofreading for common errors, such as subject-verb agreement and incorrect word forms. Utilizing grammar-checking tools or seeking feedback from peers can help identify mistakes. Furthermore, practicing punctuation rules, especially regarding comma usage in complex sentences, will enhance clarity. Reading more academic texts can also provide examples of correct grammar and punctuation usage, which can be emulated in future writing.

Overall, while the essay presents a relevant argument and attempts to engage with the topic, significant improvements in grammatical range and accuracy are needed to achieve a higher band score.

Bài sửa mẫu

In today’s world, where some professional careers such as doctors, nurses, and teachers are highly regarded, the significance of individuals working in sports and entertainment might appear less significant in comparison. From my point of view, none of these sectors should be prioritized at the expense of the others.

It is true that allocating funds to professional employees like doctors, nurses, and teachers holds great significance for a nation. First and foremost, given the effort and money spent on learning various subjects in the medical field, doctors and nurses should be paid more. Becoming a doctor or nurse is so demanding, requiring substantial effort, time, and financial investment to attain a professional position. For example, in Vietnam, students must spend about 7-10 years studying at universities and institutions to obtain a master’s degree, along with gaining extensive practical experience to become professional workers. Furthermore, the triumph in creating high-quality generations for society contributes significantly to sustainable development in a country. Teachers are responsible for educating and nurturing a new generation; therefore, such time and effort is invested in educating children by teachers.

Nevertheless, it cannot be denied that working in the arts and sports sectors also contributes significantly to national development and deserves greater recognition. The first rationale is that being an athlete or an entertainer is not an easy job; it requires sacrificing time with family and friends for painstaking practice and maintaining a busy schedule that most people cannot manage. These individuals strive to achieve victory for their home country, promoting patriotism and boosting national unity. In addition, entertainment serves as a means to advertise culture and traditions. Such numerous songs today are inspired by traditional melodies or literary works. As a result, people can potentially promote cultural diversity globally and preserve the cultural heritage for future generations. For instance, Hoang Thi Linh’s songs in Vietnam are famous not only among Vietnamese people but also internationally, such as “See Tinh” or “Em day chang phai Thuy Kieu,” both of which are inspired by Vietnamese literature and feature catchy melodies that attract many listeners.

In conclusion, governments should pay more attention to both those working in medical fields and those in entertainment sectors to ensure that their time, effort, and financial investments contribute to the country. Such a harmonious distribution between these fields will be the most effective approach to achieve the best outcomes in the future.