Topic: Some people regard video games as harmless fun, or even as a useful educational tool. Others, however, believe that video games are having an adverse effect on the people who play them. In your opinion, do the drawbacks of video games outweigh the benefits?

Playing video games is always a controversial topic as it not only brings benefits such as stimulating many essential skills: creativity, imagination, concentration but also causes some drawbacks like lack of sleep, bad performance in study and so on. In my opinion, although the enduring effects of video games, I maintain the positive side will outweigh the negative ones in the long term.
On the one hand, there are various advantages that playing video games can bring to our life. It fosters conducive conditions for many vital skills in daily life: encouraging creativity and imagination, improving logical thinking, boosting concentration and problem solving. Take the example of a game called “Legend of League” which was one of the most popular games to the young generation in Vietnam. The players can freely design the compatible fashion for their characters depending on personal preferences, which encourages creativity and imagination. Not only that, there are functions that players have to combine many respective skills to kill the bosses that require high concentration and agility.
On the other hand, video games can also be highly addictive to many players. In particular, games provide a lot of virtual tasks, frequent reward and the function in acquiring scores to achieve high rank which was identified as the main reason for stimulating the competition and leaving them to immerse themselves many hours to play video games. As a result, playing video games without taking a break can lead to lack of sleep or even obesity as they spend time sitting for hours and living a sedentary life, they are too exhausted to do the exercises as a whole. For example, my family owned a computer when I was 7, there was still a limited version of computer games in my country so I was so curious that I tried playing games for the first time. And I started playing them without doing my homework, which caused poor outcomes in the first year of academy. My parents were so disappointed and didn’t let me play video games anymore, that is why it was the worst experience in my whole life.
In conclusion, despite the disadvantages of playing video games such as lack of sleep, gain much weight, I contend that the advantages of video games outweigh the disadvantages in enduring time.

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Errors and Improvements:

"always a controversial topic" -> "often a contentious subject"
Explanation: Replacing "always a controversial topic" with "often a contentious subject" maintains the idea of debate while using more sophisticated vocabulary and a less absolute term, which aligns better with academic writing.
"not only brings benefits such as stimulating many essential skills" -> "not only confers benefits, such as fostering numerous essential skills"
Explanation: This change enhances the formal tone by replacing "brings benefits such as stimulating" with "confers benefits, such as fostering," providing a clearer and more structured expression of the idea.
"but also causes some drawbacks like" -> "but also entails drawbacks such as"
Explanation: "Causes some drawbacks like" is overly casual; "entails drawbacks such as" is more formal and precise, fitting for academic writing.
"In my opinion, although the enduring effects of video games, I maintain the positive side will outweigh the negative ones" -> "In my view, despite the enduring effects of video games, I believe the benefits will ultimately outweigh the drawbacks."
Explanation: The original sentence is wordy and lacks clarity. "In my opinion" is redundant in academic writing. "Maintain" is not typically used in this context. The suggested revision simplifies and clarifies the statement.
"there are various advantages that playing video games can bring to our life" -> "playing video games can offer a range of benefits"
Explanation: Simplifying "there are various advantages that playing video games can bring to our life" to "playing video games can offer a range of benefits" improves clarity and conciseness without sacrificing meaning.
"It fosters conducive conditions for many vital skills in daily life" -> "It cultivates conditions conducive to the development of essential life skills"
Explanation: The suggested revision uses more formal language and rephrases the sentence for clarity and precision, aligning with academic writing standards.
"the young generation" -> "young individuals"
Explanation: "The young generation" is a bit informal for academic writing. "Young individuals" is a more formal and precise alternative.
"the compatible fashion" -> "customizable appearance"
Explanation: "Compatible fashion" is unclear and not standard terminology. "Customizable appearance" is clearer and more appropriate in the context of video games.
"Not only that" -> "Moreover"
Explanation: "Not only that" is a colloquial phrase; "Moreover" is more formal and better suited to academic writing.
"can also be highly addictive to many players" -> "can also lead to high levels of addiction among players"
Explanation: Replacing "highly addictive" with "lead to high levels of addiction" maintains clarity while using more formal language.
"provide a lot of virtual tasks" -> "offer numerous virtual challenges"
Explanation: "Provide a lot of virtual tasks" is informal and vague. "Offer numerous virtual challenges" is clearer and more precise.
"and the function in acquiring scores" -> "and the mechanism for earning points"
Explanation: "The function in acquiring scores" is awkward and unclear. "The mechanism for earning points" is more precise and formal.
"which was identified as the main reason for stimulating the competition" -> "which has been identified as a primary motivator for fostering competition"
Explanation: The original phrase is awkward and unclear. The suggested revision clarifies the idea and uses more formal language.
"they are too exhausted to do the exercises as a whole" -> "they are too fatigued to engage in physical activity"
Explanation: "Exercises as a whole" is vague and informal. "Engage in physical activity" is a clearer and more formal alternative.
"there was still a limited version of computer games in my country" -> "computer games were still limited in my country at that time"
Explanation: The original phrase is awkwardly constructed. The suggested revision is clearer and more concise.
"I was so curious that I tried playing games for the first time" -> "Out of curiosity, I tried playing games for the first time"
Explanation: Simplifying "I was so curious that I tried playing games for the first time" to "Out of curiosity, I tried playing games for the first time" improves clarity and conciseness.
"didn’t let me play video games anymore" -> "forbade me from playing video games further"
Explanation: "Didn’t let me play video games anymore" is informal. "Forbade me from playing video games further" is more formal and precise.
"that is why it was the worst experience in my whole life" -> "thus, it became the most negative experience of my life"
Explanation: The original sentence is informal. The suggested revision is more formal and better suited to academic writing.
"despite the disadvantages of playing video games such as lack of sleep, gain much weight" -> "despite the drawbacks of playing video games, such as sleep deprivation and weight gain"
Explanation: The original phrase is awkward and unclear. The suggested revision clarifies the drawbacks mentioned.
"I contend that the advantages of video games outweigh the disadvantages in enduring time" -> "I maintain that the benefits of video games outweigh the drawbacks in the long term"
Explanation: "I contend" is somewhat formal but not commonly used in this context. "I maintain" is more appropriate. "In enduring time" is unclear; "in the long term" is clearer and more precise.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Task Response: 7

Answer All Parts of the Question:
- Detailed explanation: The essay adequately addresses both sides of the argument regarding the impact of video games, discussing both their benefits and drawbacks. It acknowledges the positive aspects such as fostering creativity and problem-solving skills while also recognizing the negative effects like addiction and its consequences on health and academic performance.
- How to improve: To enhance comprehensiveness, it would be beneficial to provide more specific examples or research findings to support the arguments regarding the benefits and drawbacks of video games. Additionally, ensuring a clear structure that explicitly addresses each part of the prompt can further strengthen the response.
Present a Clear Position Throughout:
- Detailed explanation: The essay maintains a consistent stance throughout, asserting that the benefits of video games outweigh the drawbacks in the long term. This position is clearly articulated in the introduction and reiterated in the conclusion.
- How to improve: While clarity is maintained, providing more nuanced reasoning or acknowledging potential counterarguments can enrich the essay’s argumentation and demonstrate a deeper understanding of the topic.
Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents ideas effectively, offering examples such as the game "Legend of League" to illustrate how video games can foster creativity and concentration. However, there is room for further development and elaboration of these ideas, especially in providing more diverse examples and expanding on the impacts of video games on different aspects of life.
- How to improve: To enhance the depth of analysis, incorporating additional examples, statistics, or expert opinions can enrich the discussion. Additionally, elaborating on the potential long-term effects of video games, both positive and negative, can strengthen the argument.
Stay on Topic:
- Detailed explanation: The essay largely stays on topic, addressing the question of whether the drawbacks of video games outweigh the benefits. However, there are some instances where personal anecdotes, such as the author’s experience with video games during childhood, slightly deviate from the central focus.
- How to improve: While personal anecdotes can add depth to the essay, ensuring that they directly contribute to supporting the main argument and are integrated seamlessly can prevent distractions from the central topic.

Overall, while the essay effectively addresses the prompt and maintains a clear stance, there are opportunities for improvement in providing more detailed examples, deeper analysis, and ensuring all content directly supports the central argument.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 6

Organize Information Logically:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a generally logical organization of information. It begins with an introduction that sets up the argument and follows a clear structure with paragraphs dedicated to discussing the benefits and drawbacks of video games, respectively. Each paragraph presents distinct points supported by examples, leading to a conclusion that summarizes the author’s stance. However, transitions between ideas could be smoother to improve coherence.
- How to improve: To enhance logical flow, consider using transitional phrases or sentences to connect ideas more effectively. For instance, phrases like "On the one hand" and "On the other hand" help signal shifts between supporting arguments. Additionally, ensure that each paragraph’s topic sentence clearly relates to the main argument and previous points discussed.
Use Paragraphs:
- Detailed explanation: The essay is divided into three paragraphs – introduction, body, and conclusion, which adheres to the basic structure of essay writing. Each paragraph focuses on a specific aspect of the argument, with the body paragraph elaborating on both benefits and drawbacks of video games. However, the body paragraph could be further divided to separate discussions of benefits and drawbacks for clearer organization and emphasis.
- How to improve: Consider breaking down the body paragraph into two distinct paragraphs, each dedicated to discussing either the benefits or drawbacks of video games. This will allow for a more structured presentation of arguments and improve readability. Ensure that each paragraph begins with a clear topic sentence that previews the main idea.
Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:
- Detailed explanation: The essay utilizes some cohesive devices such as transitions like "On the one hand" and "On the other hand" to indicate shifts between supporting arguments. Additionally, the use of examples within each argument adds cohesion by providing concrete illustrations. However, there is room to incorporate a wider variety of cohesive devices such as pronouns, conjunctions, and adverbs to strengthen coherence.
- How to improve: Introduce a variety of cohesive devices such as pronouns (e.g., "this," "these"), conjunctions (e.g., "furthermore," "however"), and adverbs (e.g., "moreover," "therefore") to better connect ideas and create a smoother flow between sentences and paragraphs. Be mindful of their appropriate usage to avoid overloading the essay with unnecessary transitions. Additionally, ensure that cohesive devices are used consistently throughout the essay to maintain coherence.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 6

Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a satisfactory range of vocabulary, incorporating terms such as "controversial," "enduring effects," "fosters conducive conditions," "immersion," and "sedentary." However, there is a lack of variety in vocabulary throughout the essay. For instance, the repetition of phrases like "advantages of video games" could be diversified with synonyms or alternate expressions to enhance lexical richness.
- How to improve: To improve the range of vocabulary, the writer could employ synonyms or related terms to avoid repetition. Exploring a wider variety of vocabulary related to both benefits and drawbacks of video games would enrich the essay. Additionally, incorporating more nuanced vocabulary related to the effects of video games, such as "cognitive development," "social interaction," or "sedentary lifestyle," could enhance the depth of analysis.
Use Vocabulary Precisely:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates some precision in vocabulary usage, such as in the description of the game "Legend of League" and its impact on creativity and concentration. However, there are instances where vocabulary could be more precise. For example, the phrase "enduring effects of video games" could be clarified or substituted with a more precise term to convey the long-term consequences more accurately.
- How to improve: To enhance precision in vocabulary usage, the writer should aim for more specific and contextually appropriate terms. Rather than using broad phrases like "enduring effects," they could specify the particular effects being discussed, such as "long-term cognitive impact" or "persistent behavioral changes." This would provide clearer insights into the consequences of video game consumption.
Use Correct Spelling:
- Detailed explanation: The essay generally maintains a satisfactory level of spelling accuracy. However, there are several instances of minor spelling errors, such as "Legend of League" instead of "League of Legends" and "academy" instead of "academics." While these errors do not significantly impede understanding, they detract from the overall professionalism of the essay.
- How to improve: To improve spelling accuracy, the writer should review and proofread their work carefully, paying close attention to common errors and frequently misspelled words. Utilizing spell-checking tools or seeking feedback from peers could also help identify and correct any spelling mistakes before submission. Additionally, familiarizing oneself with the correct spellings of specialized terms, such as video game titles, would further enhance accuracy.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 8

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 8

Use a Wide Range of Structures:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a commendable range of sentence structures, including complex sentences, compound sentences, and simple sentences. For instance, complex sentences like "Although the enduring effects of video games, I maintain the positive side will outweigh the negative ones in the long term" exhibit syntactic complexity. Additionally, compound sentences such as "On the one hand, there are various advantages that playing video games can bring to our life" enhance the essay’s coherence and readability.
- How to improve: To further enrich the variety of sentence structures, consider incorporating more intricate syntactic forms, such as conditional sentences (e.g., "If more research were conducted on the long-term effects of gaming, we might better understand its implications") or parallel structures (e.g., "Not only do video games foster creativity and problem-solving skills, but they also enhance teamwork and strategic thinking").
Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a generally high level of grammatical accuracy, with only a few minor errors present. For instance, there is an error in subject-verb agreement in the sentence "And I started playing them without doing my homework, which caused poor outcomes in the first year of academy." The correct form would be "And I started playing them without doing my homework, which caused poor outcomes in the first year of academics." Additionally, there are instances of awkward phrasing, such as "In particular, games provide a lot of virtual tasks, frequent reward and the function in acquiring scores to achieve high rank which was identified as the main reason for stimulating the competition and leaving them to immerse themselves many hours to play video games." This sentence could be revised for clarity and conciseness.
- How to improve: To enhance grammatical accuracy, proofread the essay carefully to identify and correct subject-verb agreement errors, as well as awkward phrasing. Additionally, consider utilizing more varied punctuation marks, such as semicolons or em dashes, to improve sentence structure and coherence. For example, the sentence "As a result, playing video games without taking a break can lead to lack of sleep or even obesity as they spend time sitting for hours and living a sedentary life, they are too exhausted to do the exercises as a whole" could be improved for clarity and coherence.

Bài sửa mẫu

Playing video games is often a contentious subject as it not only confers benefits, such as fostering numerous essential skills like creativity, imagination, and concentration but also entails drawbacks such as sleep deprivation and poor academic performance. In my view, despite the enduring effects of video games, I believe the benefits will ultimately outweigh the drawbacks.

On the positive side, playing video games can offer a range of benefits. It cultivates conditions conducive to the development of essential life skills, encouraging creativity, imagination, logical thinking, and problem-solving. For instance, games like “Legend of League” allow players to customize their characters’ appearance, fostering creativity, and require the combination of skills to overcome challenges, thus improving concentration and agility.

However, video games can also lead to high levels of addiction among players. They offer numerous virtual challenges, frequent rewards, and a point-based ranking system, which has been identified as a primary motivator for fostering competition and driving prolonged gaming sessions. Consequently, excessive gaming can result in sleep deprivation and obesity due to sedentary lifestyles.

For example, when I was seven years old, computer games were still limited in my country. Out of curiosity, I tried playing games for the first time, neglecting my homework and leading to poor academic performance. This resulted in my parents forbidding me from playing video games further, making it the most negative experience of my life.

In conclusion, despite the drawbacks of playing video games, such as sleep deprivation and weight gain, I maintain that the benefits of video games outweigh the drawbacks in the long term. They stimulate essential skills and can be valuable educational tools when balanced with other activities.