Topic: The chart below shows the unemployment rate and the number of people leaving Ireland from 1988 to 2008.

The graph illustrates the percentage of unemployment and the quantity of resident in Ireland from 1988 to 2008.
Overall, not only the unemployment’s ratio had a significant reduce but also the population in Ireland decreased slightly over the research period.
Relating to unemployment, this rate started at around 17% in 1988, then had a rapid decline by 4% in 1990. In addition this proportion suddenly climbed to nearly 15% from 1990 to 1992. After that there was a significant fall to relatively 5%. Then at 5 final years this rate had a bit rise to 6%.
There were nearly 60 thousand people leaved in Ireland in 1988. Then at next 2 years this number fall to approximate 35 thousand and had a slightly growth in 1994. After that from 1994 to 2002 the quantity gradually slumped to about 25 thousand but then it have steadily growth up to 50 thousand resident.

Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

"The graph illustrates" -> "The graph depicts"
Explanation: "Depicts" is a more precise and formal term than "illustrates" in academic contexts, enhancing the scholarly tone of the introduction.
"not only the unemployment’s ratio had a significant reduce" -> "not only did the unemployment rate experience a significant reduction"
Explanation: The original phrase is grammatically incorrect and awkward. The suggested revision corrects the verb tense and uses "experience" to maintain a formal tone.
"but also the population in Ireland decreased slightly" -> "but also the population in Ireland decreased marginally"
Explanation: "Marginally" is a more precise and formal term than "slightly," which is somewhat vague and informal for academic writing.
"Relating to unemployment, this rate started at around 17% in 1988, then had a rapid decline by 4% in 1990." -> "Regarding unemployment, the rate began at approximately 17% in 1988 and declined rapidly by 4% in 1990."
Explanation: "Regarding" is more formal than "Relating to," and "began" is more precise than "started." Also, "declined rapidly" is more specific than "had a rapid decline."
"In addition this proportion suddenly climbed to nearly 15% from 1990 to 1992." -> "Additionally, this proportion suddenly increased to nearly 15% from 1990 to 1992."
Explanation: "Additionally" is more formal than "In addition," and "increased" is more precise than "climbed" in this context.
"Then at 5 final years this rate had a bit rise to 6%" -> "Subsequently, this rate increased by 1% to 6% over the final five years"
Explanation: "Subsequently" is more formal than "Then at 5 final years," and "increased by 1%" is more precise than "had a bit rise."
"There were nearly 60 thousand people leaved in Ireland in 1988." -> "Approximately 60,000 people resided in Ireland in 1988."
Explanation: "Resided" is the correct verb for describing the state of living in a place, and "approximately" is more formal than "nearly."
"Then at next 2 years this number fall to approximate 35 thousand" -> "Two years later, this number fell to approximately 35,000"
Explanation: "Two years later" is clearer and more formal than "Then at next 2 years," and "fell" is the correct past tense form.
"had a slightly growth" -> "experienced a slight growth"
Explanation: "Experienced" is the correct verb form, and "slight" should be "slightly" to modify "growth."
"but then it have steadily growth up to 50 thousand resident" -> "but it then steadily increased to 50,000 residents"
Explanation: "Increased" is the correct verb, and "50,000 residents" should be singular to match the subject "it."

Band điểm Task Achivement ước lượng: 4

Band Score: 4

Explanation: The essay attempts to address the task but does not cover all key features/bullet points. The essay does not provide a clear overview of the main trends in the data. The essay also confuses key features/bullet points with detail. For example, the essay states that "the unemployment’s ratio had a significant reduce" but does not provide any specific data to support this claim. The essay also states that "the quantity gradually slumped to about 25 thousand" but does not provide any specific years for this slump.

How to improve: The essay could be improved by providing a clearer overview of the main trends in the data. The essay could also be improved by providing more specific data to support its claims. For example, the essay could state that "the unemployment rate fell from 17% in 1988 to 5% in 1997" or that "the number of people leaving Ireland fell from 60,000 in 1988 to 25,000 in 2002." The essay could also be improved by using more accurate language. For example, the essay could use the word "decreased" instead of "reduce" and the word "fell" instead of "slumped."

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 5

Band Score: 5.0
Explanation: The essay presents information with some organization but lacks overall progression. While it attempts to describe trends in unemployment and population changes, the connections between ideas are not always clear, leading to confusion. The use of cohesive devices is inadequate and at times inaccurate, which affects the clarity of the information presented. Additionally, the paragraphing is inconsistent, with some sentences not clearly linked to the main topic of each paragraph.
How to improve: To enhance coherence and cohesion, the writer should focus on clearly structuring paragraphs around central topics, ensuring each paragraph logically flows into the next. Improving the accuracy and variety of cohesive devices will help clarify relationships between ideas. Additionally, revising sentence structures for clarity and ensuring grammatical accuracy will contribute to a more coherent overall presentation.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 5

Band Score: 5.0
Explanation: The essay demonstrates a limited range of vocabulary that is minimally adequate for the task. While it attempts to convey information about the unemployment rate and population changes in Ireland, the vocabulary used is often basic and repetitive. There are noticeable errors in word choice (e.g., "unemployment’s ratio," "quantity of resident," "had a bit rise") and some inaccuracies in spelling and word formation (e.g., "leaved," "fall to approximate," "have steadily growth"). These errors may cause some difficulty for the reader in understanding the message clearly.
How to improve: To enhance the lexical resource, the writer should aim to use a wider range of vocabulary, including less common lexical items that are appropriate for the context. Additionally, focusing on correct word forms and collocations will help improve clarity. Practicing synonyms and varying sentence structures can also contribute to a more sophisticated use of language. Finally, proofreading for spelling and grammatical accuracy will reduce errors that impede communication.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 5

Band Score: 5.0
Explanation: The essay demonstrates a limited range of grammatical structures, with attempts at complex sentences that are often inaccurate. There are frequent grammatical errors, particularly in verb forms and sentence structure, which can cause some difficulty for the reader. While the writer attempts to convey information about the graph, the inaccuracies in grammar and punctuation detract from the overall clarity and coherence of the essay.
How to improve: To achieve a higher band score, the writer should focus on improving grammatical accuracy by practicing the correct use of verb tenses and sentence structures. Additionally, increasing the variety of sentence forms and ensuring that complex sentences are constructed correctly would enhance the overall quality of the writing. Regular practice with feedback can help identify and correct common errors, leading to clearer communication.

Bài sửa mẫu

The graph illustrates the percentage of unemployment and the number of residents in Ireland from 1988 to 2008. Overall, not only did the unemployment rate experience a significant reduction, but the population in Ireland also decreased slightly over the research period.

Regarding unemployment, this rate started at around 17% in 1988, then experienced a rapid decline of 4% by 1990. In addition, this proportion suddenly climbed to nearly 15% from 1990 to 1992. After that, there was a significant fall to approximately 5%. In the final five years, this rate saw a slight rise to 6%.

There were nearly 60,000 people leaving Ireland in 1988. Then, in the next two years, this number fell to approximately 35,000 and saw slight growth in 1994. After that, from 1994 to 2002, the number gradually slumped to about 25,000, but then it steadily increased to 50,000 residents.