Tuấn Anh 6.5E: Some people believe that technology has had a negative impact on traditional education. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

Tuấn Anh 6.5E:
Some people believe that technology has had a negative impact on traditional education. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

In recent years, technology has had a negative impact on traditional education and has become a broad issue for the general public. Some people believe that traditional schooling has been negatively impacted by technology. In my opinion, I partly agree with this idea. Discussed below are several reasons in favor of my perspectives.

First and foremost, people should recognize that technology adversely affects conventional education. A very important point to consider is that students play on their phones during class time and do not focus on the subject. This means that students cannot concentrate on assignments or subjects; teachers spend a lot of time teaching, but no one listens. To illustrate this point, I would like to mention that students are distracted by electronic devices such as playing games, watching YouTube, watching TikTok, chatting together,… this leads to them losing the knowledge taught by teachers. Another point I would like to make is that older teachers do not have experience in using technology. This is because traditional teachers and lecturers are used to and slow to absorb technological advances, so they will be slow in teaching.

On the other hand, there are several arguments against the statement that traditional learning is better than technological learning. In fact, people have this opinion because learning technology has more interesting lectures that easily keep students interested. This means that teachers may teach more leisurely, students will absorb better, and lectures will be better and more interesting. Advanced technology helps solve difficult problems better.

In conclusion, the above-mentioned facts have created a dilemma when people evaluate the impact of this issue, and it is still a controversial issue. As far as I am concerned, it could have both positive and negative impacts. People should have further consideration on this issue.

Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

1. "In recent years" -> "In the recent years"
   Explanation: Adding "the" before "years" corrects the grammatical error and aligns with formal academic style by specifying the time period more precisely.

2. "has had a negative impact" -> "has had a detrimental impact"
   Explanation: Replacing "negative" with "detrimental" provides a more precise and formal term that is commonly used in academic contexts to describe adverse effects.

3. "has become a broad issue for the general public" -> "has become a widespread concern among the general public"
   Explanation: "Widespread concern" is more specific and formal than "broad issue," and "among" is more precise than "for" in this context.

4. "In my opinion, I partly agree" -> "I partially concur"
   Explanation: "I partially concur" is a more concise and formal expression that avoids the redundancy of "In my opinion, I."

5. "people should recognize" -> "it is essential to acknowledge"
   Explanation: "It is essential to acknowledge" is more formal and emphasizes the importance of recognition, which is more suitable for academic writing.

6. "A very important point to consider" -> "A crucial consideration"
   Explanation: "A crucial consideration" is more concise and formal, avoiding the colloquial tone of "very important point."

7. "play on their phones" -> "engage in phone use"
   Explanation: "Engage in phone use" is a more formal and precise way to describe the action of using phones, avoiding the casual tone of "play."

8. "do not focus on the subject" -> "fail to concentrate on the subject"
   Explanation: "Fail to concentrate" is a more formal and academically appropriate phrase than "do not focus."

9. "spend a lot of time teaching, but no one listens" -> "devote considerable time to teaching, yet students remain inattentive"
   Explanation: "Devote considerable time" and "remain inattentive" are more formal and precise, improving the academic tone.

10. "watching YouTube, watching TikTok, chatting together" -> "viewing YouTube videos, browsing TikTok, and engaging in group chats"
    Explanation: "Viewing videos," "browsing," and "engaging in group chats" are more specific and formal terms, enhancing the academic quality of the description.

11. "losing the knowledge taught by teachers" -> "failing to retain the knowledge imparted by teachers"
    Explanation: "Failing to retain" is a more precise and formal way to describe the inability to hold onto knowledge, and "imparted" is more formal than "taught."

12. "older teachers do not have experience in using technology" -> "older educators may lack proficiency in utilizing technology"
    Explanation: "May lack proficiency in utilizing" is more precise and formal, and "educators" is a more encompassing term than "teachers."

13. "used to and slow to absorb technological advances" -> "inert to and slow to adopt technological advancements"
    Explanation: "Inert to and slow to adopt" is a more precise and formal way to describe the resistance to change, and "advancements" is preferred over "advances" in formal writing.

14. "more interesting lectures" -> "more engaging lectures"
    Explanation: "Engaging" is a more specific and academically appropriate term than "interesting" when describing the quality of lectures.

15. "more leisurely" -> "more relaxed"
    Explanation: "More relaxed" is a more precise and formal term than "more leisurely," which can imply a lack of seriousness.

16. "better and more interesting" -> "more effective and engaging"
    Explanation: "More effective and engaging" provides a clearer and more formal description of the quality of lectures, aligning better with academic standards.

17. "have further consideration on this issue" -> "further consider this issue"
    Explanation: "Further consider" is grammatically correct and more formal, avoiding the awkward construction of "have further consideration."

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Task Response: 7

• Answer All Parts of the Question:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay addresses the prompt by discussing both the negative and positive impacts of technology on traditional education. The writer states a partial agreement with the notion that technology has a negative impact, which aligns with the task’s requirement to express an opinion. However, the essay could benefit from a more balanced exploration of both sides. The first body paragraph focuses heavily on the negative aspects, while the second paragraph offers only a brief mention of the positive impacts without sufficient elaboration.
  • How to improve: To enhance the response, the writer should ensure that both sides of the argument are explored in greater depth. This could involve providing more examples and evidence of the positive impacts of technology on education, such as improved access to resources or enhanced learning experiences through interactive tools.

• Present a Clear Position Throughout:

  • Detailed explanation: The writer states a clear position of partial agreement in the introduction and maintains this stance throughout the essay. However, the conclusion introduces a somewhat ambiguous statement about the issue being controversial, which could confuse the reader regarding the writer’s final stance.
  • How to improve: To maintain a clear position, the writer should reinforce their opinion in the conclusion without introducing new ideas. A strong concluding statement that reiterates the main points and clearly states the writer’s stance would provide a more cohesive ending.

• Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay presents several ideas, particularly in the first body paragraph, where the negative impacts of technology are discussed. However, the support for these ideas is somewhat limited; for example, the mention of distractions caused by electronic devices lacks specific statistics or studies that could strengthen the argument. The second body paragraph introduces positive aspects but does not extend these ideas with sufficient detail or examples.
  • How to improve: To improve the development of ideas, the writer should aim to provide more detailed explanations and examples for each point made. This could include citing studies on student engagement with technology or specific examples of how technology enhances learning experiences.

• Stay on Topic:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay generally stays on topic, addressing the impact of technology on traditional education. However, some sentences, particularly in the second body paragraph, could be perceived as slightly off-topic or vague, such as the statement about "advanced technology helps solve difficult problems better," which lacks context related to education.
  • How to improve: To maintain focus, the writer should ensure that every point made directly relates back to the impact of technology on traditional education. Clarifying how each argument connects to the prompt will help keep the essay tightly focused.

Overall, while the essay demonstrates a good understanding of the task and presents relevant arguments, it would benefit from deeper exploration of both sides, clearer positioning, more detailed support for ideas, and tighter focus on the topic.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 7

• Organize Information Logically:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay presents a clear structure with an introduction, body paragraphs, and a conclusion. However, the logical flow could be improved. The introduction states the writer’s opinion but does not clearly outline the main points that will be discussed. The transition between the first body paragraph, which focuses on the negative impacts of technology, and the second body paragraph, which discusses the benefits, lacks a clear connection. For example, the phrase "On the other hand" is used, but the transition could be smoother to better indicate a shift in perspective.
  • How to improve: To enhance logical organization, the writer should include a brief outline of the main points in the introduction. Additionally, using clearer transition phrases between contrasting ideas can help guide the reader through the argument. For instance, phrases like "Conversely" or "In contrast" can be more effective than "On the other hand" when introducing opposing viewpoints.

• Use Paragraphs:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay uses paragraphs effectively, with each paragraph focusing on a distinct idea. However, the first paragraph could benefit from clearer topic sentences that explicitly state the main idea of each paragraph. The second body paragraph begins with "On the other hand," which indicates a shift in argument but does not clearly state the main point of that paragraph until later in the text.
  • How to improve: To improve paragraph structure, the writer should start each paragraph with a strong topic sentence that summarizes the main idea. For example, the second body paragraph could begin with a sentence like, "Despite the challenges posed by technology, it also offers significant advantages for traditional education." This would provide clearer guidance for the reader and enhance the overall coherence of the essay.

• Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay employs some cohesive devices, such as "first and foremost," "this means that," and "to illustrate this point." However, the range of cohesive devices is somewhat limited, and some phrases are repetitive. For instance, the phrase "this means that" appears multiple times, which can detract from the overall fluency of the writing.
  • How to improve: To diversify the use of cohesive devices, the writer should incorporate a wider range of linking words and phrases. For example, instead of repeatedly using "this means that," the writer could use alternatives such as "as a result," "consequently," or "therefore." Additionally, employing more complex cohesive devices, such as "not only… but also" or "in addition to," can enhance the sophistication of the writing and improve the flow of ideas.

Overall, the essay demonstrates a solid understanding of the topic and presents a balanced view; however, improving the logical organization, paragraph structure, and range of cohesive devices will elevate the coherence and cohesion to a higher level.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 6

• Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a moderate range of vocabulary, with some effective phrases such as "negative impact," "conventional education," and "electronic devices." However, there is a tendency to repeat certain terms and phrases, such as "traditional education" and "students," which limits the lexical variety. For instance, the phrase "traditional schooling" is used interchangeably with "traditional education," but more synonyms or varied expressions could enhance the essay’s richness.
  • How to improve: To improve vocabulary range, the writer should incorporate synonyms and related terms. For example, instead of repeating "students," alternatives such as "learners," "pupils," or "scholars" could be used. Additionally, exploring more specific vocabulary related to technology and education, such as "digital learning tools," "e-learning platforms," or "interactive resources," would strengthen the essay.

• Use Vocabulary Precisely:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay contains some instances of imprecise vocabulary usage. For example, the phrase "students play on their phones" could be more accurately expressed as "students engage with their mobile devices," which conveys a broader range of activities. Additionally, the phrase "teachers may teach more leisurely" is vague; it could be clarified to "teachers may adopt a more relaxed teaching style" to convey a clearer meaning.
  • How to improve: To enhance precision, the writer should focus on selecting words that accurately convey their intended meaning. This can be achieved by using context-specific vocabulary and avoiding vague terms. For instance, instead of "losing the knowledge taught by teachers," a more precise phrase could be "missing out on critical knowledge imparted by instructors."

• Use Correct Spelling:

  • Detailed explanation: The spelling in the essay is generally accurate, with no significant errors that impede understanding. However, there are minor issues, such as the use of "lectures that easily keep students interested," which could be misinterpreted due to awkward phrasing rather than spelling errors. The ellipsis at the end of a list (e.g., "watching TikTok, chatting together,…") is not standard and could be considered a punctuation error rather than a spelling one.
  • How to improve: To enhance spelling and punctuation accuracy, the writer should proofread the essay carefully, focusing on punctuation marks and ensuring that lists are formatted correctly. Additionally, practicing spelling through writing exercises and using spell-check tools can help maintain accuracy.

Overall, while the essay demonstrates a reasonable command of vocabulary, there are areas for improvement in terms of range, precision, and adherence to spelling conventions. By diversifying vocabulary, selecting precise terms, and ensuring correct punctuation, the writer can enhance their lexical resource and potentially achieve a higher band score.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 7

• Use a Wide Range of Structures:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a reasonable variety of sentence structures, including simple, compound, and complex sentences. For instance, the use of phrases like "In recent years," "First and foremost," and "On the other hand," effectively introduces different sections of the argument. However, the essay tends to rely heavily on straightforward declarative sentences, which can make the writing feel somewhat repetitive. For example, the sentence "This means that students cannot concentrate on assignments or subjects; teachers spend a lot of time teaching, but no one listens." could be restructured to incorporate more varied sentence types.
  • How to improve: To diversify sentence structures, the writer could incorporate more complex sentences that use subordinate clauses or relative clauses. For instance, instead of saying, "This means that students cannot concentrate on assignments or subjects," the writer could say, "As a result of their distractions, students find it increasingly difficult to concentrate on assignments or subjects, which ultimately undermines their educational experience." Additionally, varying the use of transitional phrases and connectors can enhance the flow and coherence of the essay.

• Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay exhibits a good level of grammatical accuracy overall, but there are several instances of awkward phrasing and punctuation errors. For example, the phrase "students are distracted by electronic devices such as playing games, watching YouTube, watching TikTok, chatting together,…" contains an incorrect use of the ellipsis, which should not be used here. Furthermore, the sentence "This is because traditional teachers and lecturers are used to and slow to absorb technological advances, so they will be slow in teaching." is somewhat convoluted and could be simplified for clarity.
  • How to improve: To enhance grammatical accuracy, the writer should pay closer attention to punctuation rules, particularly regarding the use of commas and ellipses. It would be beneficial to revise sentences for clarity and conciseness. For example, the sentence mentioned above could be revised to: "Traditional teachers and lecturers, accustomed to conventional methods, may struggle to adapt to technological advances, which can hinder their teaching effectiveness." Regular practice with grammar exercises and seeking feedback on sentence structure can also help improve overall accuracy.

In summary, while the essay demonstrates a solid grasp of grammatical range and accuracy, there are clear opportunities for improvement in sentence variety and grammatical precision. By focusing on these areas, the writer can enhance the overall quality of their writing and potentially achieve a higher band score.

Bài sửa mẫu

In recent years, technology has had a detrimental impact on traditional education and has become a widespread concern among the general public. Some individuals believe that traditional schooling has been negatively affected by technology. In my opinion, I partially concur with this viewpoint. Discussed below are several reasons supporting my perspective.

First and foremost, it is essential to acknowledge that technology adversely affects conventional education. A crucial consideration is that students often engage in phone use during class time and fail to concentrate on the subject. This means that students cannot focus on assignments or lessons; teachers devote considerable time to teaching, yet students remain inattentive. To illustrate this point, I would like to mention that students are distracted by electronic devices, such as playing games, viewing YouTube videos, browsing TikTok, and engaging in group chats. This leads to them failing to retain the knowledge imparted by teachers. Another point I would like to make is that older educators may lack proficiency in utilizing technology. This is because traditional teachers and lecturers are often inert to and slow to adopt technological advancements, which can hinder their teaching effectiveness.

On the other hand, there are several arguments against the notion that traditional learning is superior to technological learning. In fact, people hold this opinion because technology can facilitate more engaging lectures that easily capture students’ interest. This means that teachers may conduct more relaxed lessons, allowing students to absorb information better, resulting in more effective and engaging lectures. Advanced technology can also assist in solving complex problems more efficiently.

In conclusion, the aforementioned facts have created a dilemma when people evaluate the impact of technology on education, and it remains a controversial issue. As far as I am concerned, technology can have both positive and negative impacts. People should further consider this issue to fully understand its implications.