Viết một đoạn văn mô tả cho số liệu của Town A và Town B trong năm 1960. The charts below show the percentage of people working in different sectors in town A and town B in 1960, 2010.

Viết một đoạn văn mô tả cho số liệu của Town A và Town B trong năm 1960.

The charts below show the percentage of people working in different sectors in town A and town B in 1960, 2010.

The four pie charts illustrate the proportion of employees in three different occupations in towns A and B in the years 1960 and 2010.
It can be seen that the percentage of individuals in town A working in the manufacturing and sales sectors went down in contrast to the services-related industry, which increased dramatically and became the largest figure in 2010. Meanwhile, we can witness the decrease in the number of people working in manufacturing and the growth of sales and services in town B.
In 1960, individuals labored in services in town A almost three times as many as those in town B, which made up 29% and 10% respectively. In town A, the rate of sales took up 30% in comparison with 20% in town B. Manufacturing was the biggest proportion in both towns, which accounted for 41% in town A compared to 70% in town B.
In 2010, the percentage of services-related jobs witnessed more than a double to 64%, whereas the number in town B went up 15% to 25%. Meanwhile, we can observe the sharp drop of manufacturing in both towns A and B to 20% and 73% respectively. The people working in sales fell a half to 16% in town A in contrast to the slight increase corresponding to town B.

Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

"It can be seen that" -> "It is evident that"
Explanation: "It is evident that" is a more formal and precise expression, enhancing the academic tone of the sentence.
"the services-related industry" -> "the service industry"
Explanation: Simplifying "services-related industry" to "service industry" maintains clarity and avoids redundancy.
"which increased dramatically and became the largest figure" -> "which experienced a significant increase and became the dominant sector"
Explanation: "Experienced a significant increase" is more precise and avoids the colloquialism "largest figure," which is not typically used in academic writing.
"we can witness the decrease" -> "it is observable that the decrease"
Explanation: "It is observable that" is more formal and appropriate for academic writing, replacing the more conversational "we can witness."
"individuals labored in services" -> "individuals were employed in the service sector"
Explanation: "Were employed in the service sector" is more formal and accurate than "labored in services," which is vague and informal.
"almost three times as many" -> "approximately threefold"
Explanation: "Approximately threefold" is a more precise and formal way to express the comparative increase.
"made up" -> "comprised"
Explanation: "Comprised" is a more formal term than "made up," which is somewhat colloquial.
"the rate of sales took up" -> "the proportion of sales was"
Explanation: "The proportion of sales was" is more precise and formal than "the rate of sales took up," which is awkward and unclear.
"the biggest proportion" -> "the largest proportion"
Explanation: "Largest" is more commonly used in academic texts than "biggest," which is less formal.
"witnessed more than a double" -> "experienced a significant increase of more than 100%"
Explanation: "Experienced a significant increase of more than 100%" is more precise and avoids the colloquial "witnessed more than a double."
"the number in town B went up 15% to 25%" -> "the proportion in town B increased by 15% to 25%"
Explanation: "Increased by 15% to 25%" is clearer and more formal than "went up 15% to 25%."
"we can observe the sharp drop" -> "it is notable that there was a significant decline"
Explanation: "It is notable that there was a significant decline" is more formal and avoids the conversational "we can observe."
"fell a half" -> "decreased by half"
Explanation: "Decreased by half" is a more precise and formal way to express a reduction by half, compared to the less formal "fell a half."
"corresponding to" -> "similarly in"
Explanation: "Similarly in" is more appropriate in this context, indicating a parallel change without the informal connotation of "corresponding to."

These changes enhance the academic tone of the essay by using more precise and formal vocabulary, aligning with the expectations of scholarly writing.

Band điểm Task Achivement ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6.0

Explanation: The essay provides an overview of the data for Town A and Town B in 1960. The essay adequately highlights the key features of the data, but some details are irrelevant or inaccurate. For example, the essay states that "the percentage of services-related jobs witnessed more than a double to 64%" in Town A in 2010. However, the chart shows that the percentage of services-related jobs in Town A in 2010 was 60%, not 64%.

How to improve: The essay could be improved by providing more accurate information about the data. The essay could also be improved by providing a more detailed analysis of the data. For example, the essay could discuss the reasons why the percentage of people working in manufacturing declined in both towns.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6.0
Explanation: The essay presents information in a coherent manner with a clear overall progression. It effectively arranges information about the different sectors in towns A and B across the two years. However, there are instances where cohesion is somewhat mechanical, and the referencing could be clearer. For example, phrases like "we can witness" and "we can observe" are somewhat informal and could be replaced with more academic language. The paragraphing is present but could be improved to enhance clarity and logical flow.

How to improve:

Enhance Cohesion: Use a wider range of cohesive devices and ensure they are used appropriately to connect ideas more naturally. Avoid repetitive phrases and consider varying sentence structures.
Clarify Referencing: Ensure that references to data are clear and precise. For example, instead of saying "the percentage of services-related jobs witnessed more than a double," specify the exact figures to avoid ambiguity.
Improve Paragraphing: Consider breaking the essay into clearer paragraphs that each focus on a specific aspect of the data (e.g., one paragraph for town A and another for town B, or separate paragraphs for each year). This will help improve the logical flow and make it easier for the reader to follow the argument.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6.0
Explanation: The essay demonstrates an adequate range of vocabulary appropriate for the task, using terms like "proportion," "manufacturing," "sales," and "services-related industry." However, there are attempts to use less common vocabulary, such as "witness" and "dramatically," but these are not always accurate or effectively employed. There are also some errors in word choice and collocation, such as "the rate of sales took up" which could be more naturally expressed as "the proportion of sales accounted for." Spelling and word formation errors are present but do not significantly impede communication. Overall, the vocabulary used is sufficient to convey the main ideas, but it lacks the sophistication and precision required for a higher band score.

How to improve: To enhance the lexical resource score, the writer should focus on expanding their vocabulary range and using more precise and varied word choices. Practicing with synonyms and collocations can help improve the naturalness of the language. Additionally, reducing errors in word formation and ensuring that less common vocabulary is used accurately will contribute to a higher score. Reading more academic texts and practicing paraphrasing can also aid in developing a more sophisticated lexical resource.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6.0
Explanation: The essay demonstrates a mix of simple and complex sentence forms, which is characteristic of a Band 6 performance. While there are some effective complex structures, the essay contains several grammatical errors and awkward phrasing that occasionally hinder clarity. For example, phrases like "the percentage of individuals in town A working in the manufacturing and sales sectors went down in contrast to the services-related industry" could be more clearly articulated. Additionally, there are instances of punctuation errors, such as missing commas, which affect the overall readability. However, the errors do not significantly impede communication, allowing the reader to understand the main points.
How to improve: To achieve a higher band score, the writer should focus on enhancing grammatical accuracy by proofreading for common errors and awkward constructions. Increasing the variety of complex sentence structures while ensuring they are used correctly will also help. Additionally, refining punctuation usage and ensuring clarity in expression will contribute to a more polished essay. Practicing writing with a focus on grammatical accuracy and seeking feedback can further aid improvement.

Bài sửa mẫu

The four pie charts illustrate the proportion of employees in three different occupations in towns A and B in the years 1960 and 2010.

It can be seen that the percentage of individuals in town A working in the manufacturing and sales sectors decreased, in contrast to the services-related industry, which increased dramatically and became the largest sector in 2010. Meanwhile, there was a decrease in the number of people working in manufacturing in town B, alongside growth in the sales and services sectors.

In 1960, the number of individuals employed in services in town A was almost three times greater than in town B, comprising 29% and 10% respectively. In town A, the sales sector accounted for 30%, compared to 20% in town B. Manufacturing represented the largest proportion in both towns, accounting for 41% in town A and 70% in town B.

By 2010, the percentage of services-related jobs more than doubled to 64% in town A, while in town B it increased by 15% to reach 25%. Meanwhile, there was a sharp decline in manufacturing jobs in both towns, dropping to 20% in town A and 73% in town B. The proportion of people working in sales fell by half to 16% in town A, in contrast to a slight increase in town B.