we would ban all forms of corporal punishment of children in vietnam
panels haven't we all suffered from corporal punishment in our childhood do we really want this immense pain and suffering to go on for children in our generation and for the future generations the opposition team has come here and proved that our policy has come and tried to disprove our policy however we believe that our policy is very tight and is going to work to deter parents and delete corporate punishment from vietnam once and for all now first some rebuttals you say that our our team will cause the corporal punishment to be more difficult to detect and escalate verbal abuse also and we believe that this is very unlikely to happen because one for let's examine like three stakeholders in this debate one parent because we officially outlaw corporal punishment and impose a fine policy for it it will serve as a wake-up call for them to stop using corporal punishment and a deterrent so that we can relieve the harms of corporate punishment for children and speaking of children which is the second stakeholder in this debate they will be educated about the rights because when a law that involves children right is introduced they will incorporate it into the curriculum of the school right so they will know that when adults use corporate punishment to punish them it is wrong of them so they will be incentivized to speak up against this violation of their basic rights and a third stakeholder which is very important in this debate is our teachers school is a public setting so it will be impossible for teachers to punish and hit children and shame them in front of their classmates like what is happening in various classrooms in vietnam and causing depression and shame for children nowadays so we will completely eliminate corporal punishment and possibly child abuse in educational environments now we have already proved that corporal punishment is unjust on a principle level but in most cases things are not
that good it in corporate punishment and physical management inflicts immense harm on children and first is psychological harm the pain that caused by physical punishment often goes beyond the breaking point of the child because some children often hit the child in a fit of rage and also they overestimate the pain tolerance moreover when hit the immediate reaction of a child of a child is to cry and parents and adults will view this as a continuation of misbehaving so they will continue to hit the children more and harder this is
very painful for the children which are very fragile in their health and can likely turn into child abuse even if parents are unintentional even if parents only want to hit their child in moderation now in to the second harmless that is psychological harm because children will unable to protect themselves and can't do anything to stop the beating this is equivalent to losing bodily autonomy so they will feel disrespected they will feel helpless and moreover because corporal punishment is done by the adults the parents and teachers who children trust and love so much it will cause children to feel anxious and unsafe around us these adults over time these will turn into trust issues and will cause children to have low self-esteem trauma and it will follow the children for the rest of their lives moreover children who received corporal punishment in their childhood are likely to carry the practice on to the next generation and continue to beat their offspring up and this thereby we create a vicious and a painful psycho violence in our society in our world we want we will put an official ban on corporal punishment and provide an incentive for children to be patient for parents to be patient and foster communication and understanding between parents and children thus creating a non-violent world for the precious purchased children of our generation thank you so practically
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Errors and Improvements:
"panels haven’t we all suffered from corporal punishment in our childhood" -> "Ladies and gentlemen, haven’t we all experienced corporal punishment during our childhood?"
Explanation: The original phrase lacks formality and clarity. The suggested improvement introduces a more formal address to the audience and enhances clarity by rephrasing the statement.
"delete corporate punishment from Vietnam once and for all" -> "eradicate corporal punishment from Vietnam permanently"
Explanation: "Delete" is an informal term in this context. The suggested alternative, "eradicate," is a more formal and precise term suitable for academic language.
"come here and proved" -> "presented evidence here"
Explanation: "Come here and proved" is colloquial and lacks precision. The suggested alternative uses more formal language, stating that the opposition team presented evidence.
"our policy is very tight" -> "our policy is well-constructed"
Explanation: The term "tight" is informal in this context. The suggested improvement, "well-constructed," is more academically appropriate, conveying the idea of a thoroughly developed policy.
"rebuttals" -> "counterarguments"
Explanation: While "rebuttals" is not incorrect, "counterarguments" is a more formal term often preferred in academic settings.
"for let’s examine like three stakeholders" -> "let’s examine the three key stakeholders"
Explanation: The phrase "for let’s examine like three stakeholders" is informal and lacks precision. The suggested alternative provides a more concise and academically appropriate expression.
"delete corporate punishment" -> "eliminate corporal punishment"
Explanation: "Delete" is too casual for academic writing. "Eliminate" is a more formal and suitable alternative.
"is unjust on a principle level" -> "is morally unjust"
Explanation: The phrase "on a principle level" is less precise. The suggested alternative, "morally unjust," provides a clearer expression in formal language.
"things are not that good it in corporate punishment" -> "the situation is not favorable in corporal punishment"
Explanation: The original phrase is unclear and informal. The suggested alternative provides a more precise and formal expression.
"inflicts immense harm on children and first is psychological harm" -> "inflicts immense harm on children, primarily psychological"
Explanation: The original sentence lacks clarity. The suggested improvement clarifies that the first type of harm inflicted is psychological.
"because some children often hit the child in a fit of rage" -> "as some parents may hit their children in fits of rage"
Explanation: The original phrase is unclear. The suggested alternative clarifies that it is the parents who may hit the child in a fit of rage.
"overestimate the pain tolerance" -> "underestimate the child’s pain threshold"
Explanation: The term "overestimate" is incorrect in this context. The suggested alternative, "underestimate," is more accurate.
"because corporal punishment is done by the adults" -> "since corporal punishment is administered by adults"
Explanation: The suggested alternative uses a more formal and precise expression, avoiding the colloquial "done by."
"we want we will put an official ban" -> "we aim to implement an official ban"
Explanation: The phrase "we want we will" is redundant and informal. The suggested alternative provides a more formal and concise expression.
Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 8
Band Score for Task Response: 8
Answer All Parts of the Question:
- Detailed explanation: The essay effectively addresses all parts of the question. It acknowledges the issue of corporal punishment, presents arguments against it, and proposes a policy to ban it. Relevant sections include the introduction, rebuttals, and the discussion of stakeholders.
- How to improve: While the essay provides a comprehensive response, it could benefit from more explicit linking of arguments to the specific aspects of the prompt. For instance, explicitly connecting the discussion of stakeholders to the need for banning corporal punishment would strengthen the response.
Present a Clear Position Throughout:
- Detailed explanation: The essay maintains a clear and consistent stance against corporal punishment, supporting it with arguments related to the psychological harm inflicted on children. The position is evident throughout the essay.
- How to improve: To further enhance clarity, consider reinforcing the thesis statement in the conclusion, summarizing the main points and reiterating the call for a ban on corporal punishment.
Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:
- Detailed explanation: The essay effectively presents, extends, and supports ideas. It provides examples, such as the impact on children’s psychological well-being, and explores the perspectives of different stakeholders.
- How to improve: To strengthen the essay, consider incorporating additional examples or real-life scenarios to illustrate the psychological harm. This could further emphasize the urgency of implementing the proposed policy.
Stay on Topic:
- Detailed explanation: The essay generally stays on topic, focusing on the harmful effects of corporal punishment and the proposed policy to ban it. However, there are moments where the discussion becomes slightly tangential, especially in the rebuttals section.
- How to improve: To maintain focus, avoid excessive emphasis on rebuttals and ensure that every point made directly contributes to supporting the argument for banning corporal punishment. Streamlining the rebuttal section would enhance coherence.
In summary, the essay provides a strong response to the prompt, meeting the criteria for an 8-band score. To improve further, the essay could enhance explicit connections to the prompt, reinforce the thesis in the conclusion, incorporate additional illustrative examples, and maintain a more streamlined focus throughout.
Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 6
Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 6
Organize Information Logically:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a generally logical organization of information. It begins with a clear statement of the policy and follows with rebuttals and supporting arguments. However, there are instances of repetition and lack of clarity, such as the statement "now first some rebuttals," which could be improved for smoother transitions. The essay could benefit from a more systematic and sequential presentation of arguments to enhance coherence.
- How to improve: To enhance logical organization, consider structuring the essay with a clear introduction, followed by distinct body paragraphs addressing specific points. Each paragraph should have a clear topic sentence and supporting details, minimizing unnecessary repetition.
- Detailed explanation: Paragraphs are used, but their effectiveness is hindered by inconsistent structure and a lack of clear topic sentences. Some paragraphs contain multiple ideas, making it challenging for the reader to follow. The structure could be improved for better readability and coherence.
- How to improve: Ensure each paragraph has a clear topic sentence that introduces the main idea. Follow this with supporting details and examples. Consider breaking longer paragraphs into smaller ones to enhance clarity and focus.
Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:
- Detailed explanation: The essay uses some cohesive devices, such as transitions like "now first" and "speaking of." However, there is room for improvement in the variety and effectiveness of cohesive devices. The essay could benefit from a more diverse range of connectors and logical markers to guide the reader through the argument.
- How to improve: Increase the use of cohesive devices like conjunctions (e.g., furthermore, moreover), transition words (e.g., however, therefore), and pronouns to create a smoother flow between sentences and paragraphs. This will enhance the overall cohesion of the essay.
Overall, while the essay effectively presents arguments and supports the policy against corporal punishment, refining the logical organization, paragraph structure, and cohesive devices will contribute to a more polished and coherent piece.
Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6
Band Score for Lexical Resource: 6
Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:
Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a moderate range of vocabulary. It includes some varied terms related to the topic, such as "corporal punishment," "psychological harm," and "incentive." However, there is room for improvement in diversifying the vocabulary further. Some repetition of phrases and words occurs, limiting the essay’s lexical richness.
How to improve: To enhance your lexical resource, consider incorporating synonyms and exploring a broader spectrum of vocabulary related to the essay’s themes. For instance, instead of frequently using "corporal punishment," you could utilize alternatives like "physical discipline" or "chastisement" when appropriate. This will add depth to your expression and convey a more nuanced understanding of the topic.
Use Vocabulary Precisely:
Detailed explanation: The essay generally uses vocabulary appropriately, but there are instances of imprecise word choices and grammatical errors that slightly affect clarity. For example, in the sentence, "we will put an official ban on corporal punishment and provide an incentive for children to be patient," the term "incentive" may not be the most precise word choice for fostering patience.
How to improve: Aim for greater precision in your word choices. In this case, you might consider using "encourage" or "promote" instead of "incentive" to convey the idea more accurately. Additionally, proofreading for grammatical accuracy can enhance the overall precision of your vocabulary usage.
Use Correct Spelling:
Detailed explanation: The essay contains numerous spelling errors, such as "corporate punishment" instead of "corporal punishment" and "psycho violence" instead of "psychological violence." These errors impact the readability of the essay and detract from the overall coherence.
How to improve: Pay close attention to spelling accuracy. Utilize tools like spell-check and take the time to review your essay for common spelling mistakes. Practicing spelling with a focus on specific terms related to your topic can also improve accuracy. This will ensure that your essay maintains a professional and polished appearance.
Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 5
Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 5
Use a Wide Range of Structures:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a reasonable variety of sentence structures, including simple and complex sentences. However, there is room for improvement as certain structures are repeated, affecting overall fluency. For instance, there is a tendency to start sentences with "now" or "moreover," which, while effective in moderation, can become predictable and monotonous.
- How to improve: To enhance the essay’s grammatical range, the writer should experiment with different sentence structures, incorporating compound and complex sentences more consistently. Additionally, varying introductory phrases can contribute to a more engaging and polished writing style.
Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:
- Detailed explanation: The essay exhibits several grammatical and punctuation errors that slightly impede comprehension. For instance, there are issues with subject-verb agreement, such as "panels haven’t we all suffered" and "for children in our generation and for the future generations." Additionally, there are run-on sentences that could be clarified with proper punctuation.
- How to improve: To enhance grammatical accuracy, the writer should pay close attention to subject-verb agreement, ensuring that verbs match their subjects in number and tense. Also, be vigilant about punctuation, particularly the use of commas to avoid run-on sentences. A thorough proofreading before submission will help identify and correct these issues.
In conclusion, while the essay effectively communicates its arguments and ideas, refining sentence structures and addressing grammatical errors would elevate the writing to a more sophisticated level. Keep practicing diverse sentence constructions, and pay careful attention to grammar and punctuation for a polished and refined essay.
Bài sửa mẫu
Ladies and gentlemen, haven’t we all experienced corporal punishment during our childhood? Our mission is to eradicate corporal punishment from Vietnam permanently. The opposition team has presented some evidence against our policy, but we firmly believe that our well-constructed policy is effective in deterring parents from using corporal punishment. Let’s examine the three key stakeholders in this debate.
Firstly, parents will be served with a wake-up call as we officially outlaw corporal punishment and impose fines for its use. This deterrent aims to relieve the harms caused by corporal punishment on children. As for the second stakeholder, children, they will be educated about their rights. When laws involving children’s rights are introduced, it will be incorporated into the school curriculum, making children aware that corporal punishment is wrong. This knowledge will incentivize them to speak up against this violation of their basic rights.
The third stakeholder, teachers, plays a crucial role. In a public setting like schools, it will be impossible for teachers to resort to punishment involving hitting children and causing shame in front of their peers. This move will eliminate corporal punishment and potentially child abuse in educational environments.
We have established that corporal punishment is morally unjust, primarily inflicting immense harm on children, particularly psychological harm. The pain caused by physical punishment often exceeds a child’s threshold, as some parents may hit their children in fits of rage, underestimating the child’s pain threshold. Furthermore, the immediate reaction of a child is to cry, leading parents to view this as a continuation of misbehavior, resulting in more severe punishment. This is deeply painful for fragile children and can escalate into unintentional child abuse.
Psychological harm also stems from the fact that children, unable to protect themselves, lose bodily autonomy. The adults they trust and love, parents and teachers, become the source of anxiety and fear, causing long-term issues such as trust concerns, low self-esteem, and trauma. Additionally, children who experience corporal punishment are likely to perpetuate the cycle in the next generation.
To break this cycle, we aim to implement an official ban on corporal punishment. By providing incentives for patience and fostering communication and understanding between parents and children, we can create a non-violent world for the precious children of our generation. Thank you.