When international media (including movies, fashion shows, advertisements and other TV programs) convey the same messages to the global audience, people argue that the expansion of international media has negative impacts on cultural diversity. What is your opinion?

It is true that messages media programmes (such as TV shows, movies, fashion shows) convey have a major impact on one's perception one's perceptions, belief and norms. These principles of each individuals are fundamental principles that construct cultural backgrounds of every collective. Since we are all seperated by geographical location, living conditions, and regional governance, cultural diversity distinguishes us, defines who we are and reminds us of our origins. However, the growing popularity and uniformity of entertaining contents put global majority who has access to it at risk of cultural homogenisation.
The situation predominantly attributed to the dominance of Western media. Their achievements does not come as a free good, but rather underwent ups and downs. It was all thanks to huge investment, actor methodical training, long-standing reputation that produced cinematic masterpieces which are embraced by the audiences. However, they are seemingly captivated by the superiority of these programmes. Consequently, many audiences have the tendency that idolize the messages these shows bring about and neglect the cultural values that their ancestors passed on. These values maintain each society’ functioning for the past thousands of years and was made alterations to sets of norms to fit the ongoing circumstances. Adopting a whole new beliefs does not guarantee social advancement, but rather conflict with the prevailing beliefs within the collective group. For instance, the renowned novel "Without Family" written by the French author Hector Malot, portrayed an adventure of a boy who wandering around for the sake of his life. The novel values individuality and independent life, conversing the widely accepted "communal life" of Asian culture. Unfortunately, many Asian teenagers at a very young age, imitated what the boy did in the mentioned story, imposing risks of being kidnapped and early negative social problems encounter.
Taking advantages of mainstream media to promote territorial and political ideology is one of the most effective practices to imperialize a culture. This had been proven during the Age of Imperialism. During the 1960s and 1970s, American culture was imported to South Vietnam in order to seize control over the region. The campaign was a total success as a decent proportion of the population approved the diffusion, therefore, gained citizens' trust and help them control lange sectors of the ruling group for almost 20 years. The influence is so tremendous that even after Vietnam gained independece and imperialisation came to a hault, many people risked their life to illegally migrate to the USA to keep " the American dream" alive instead of contributing to the the country's post-war refurbishment, betraying their own motherland.
As shown above, the domination of Western mainstream media is a sign of cultural imperialisation. Whether it was intention or unintentional, it has a profound effect on our perceptions. It is no need being an ethnocentrist, but rather have a strong mind to celebrate appropriate notions, and decline cultural brainwash information.

Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

"messages media programmes" -> "media programs"
Explanation: "Messages media programmes" is grammatically incorrect and awkward. "Media programs" is the correct term and is more formal and precise in an academic context.
"convey have a major impact on one’s perception one’s perceptions" -> "have a significant impact on one’s perceptions"
Explanation: The original phrase is redundant and awkward. Simplifying it to "have a significant impact on one’s perceptions" improves clarity and maintains formal tone.
"These principles of each individuals" -> "the principles of each individual"
Explanation: "Principles of each individuals" is grammatically incorrect. "The principles of each individual" corrects this error and maintains the singular form appropriate for the context.
"seperated by geographical location, living conditions, and regional governance" -> "separated by geographical location, living conditions, and regional governance"
Explanation: Corrects a spelling error from "seperated" to "separated" for grammatical accuracy.
"cultural diversity distinguishes us, defines who we are and reminds us of our origins" -> "cultural diversity distinguishes us, defines our identity, and reminds us of our heritage"
Explanation: Replacing "who we are" with "our identity" and "our origins" with "our heritage" refines the language to be more precise and formal, suitable for academic writing.
"the growing popularity and uniformity of entertaining contents" -> "the growing popularity and uniformity of entertainment content"
Explanation: "Entertaining contents" is awkward and incorrect. "Entertainment content" is the correct term and is more formal and precise.
"global majority who has access to it" -> "the global majority with access to it"
Explanation: "Who has" is informal and less precise. "With" is more appropriate and formal in this context.
"Their achievements does not come as a free good" -> "Their achievements do not come as a free good"
Explanation: Corrects the grammatical error from "does not" to "do not" to maintain subject-verb agreement.
"actor methodical training" -> "meticulous actor training"
Explanation: "Actor methodical training" is awkward and unclear. "Meticulous actor training" clarifies the meaning and is more precise.
"long-standing reputation that produced cinematic masterpieces" -> "long-standing reputation that has produced cinematic masterpieces"
Explanation: Adding "has" corrects the verb tense to match the past perfect construction, improving grammatical accuracy.
"many audiences have the tendency that idolize" -> "many audiences tend to idolize"
Explanation: "Have the tendency that" is awkward and incorrect. "Tend to" is the correct idiomatic expression for indicating a tendency.
"neglect the cultural values that their ancestors passed on" -> "overlook the cultural values passed down by their ancestors"
Explanation: "Neglect" implies a lack of care, which might not be the intended meaning. "Overlook" is more neutral and appropriate for describing a failure to consider something. Also, "passed down by" is more precise than "passed on" in this context.
"made alterations to sets of norms" -> "modified existing norms"
Explanation: "Made alterations to sets of norms" is verbose and unclear. "Modified existing norms" is concise and clearer.
"Adopting a whole new beliefs" -> "adopting entirely new beliefs"
Explanation: "A whole new" is informal and imprecise. "Entirely new" is more formal and appropriate for academic writing.
"imperialize a culture" -> "impose a culture"
Explanation: "Imperialize" is incorrect in this context. "Impose" is the correct verb for describing the act of forcing a culture onto another.
"Taking advantages of mainstream media" -> "Utilizing mainstream media"
Explanation: "Taking advantages of" is awkward and incorrect. "Utilizing" is the correct term for using something effectively, which is more formal and precise.
"imperialisation came to a hault" -> "imperialization ceased"
Explanation: "Came to a hault" is incorrect. "Ceased" is the correct verb for ending an action or process.
"it is no need being an ethnocentrist" -> "it is no longer necessary to be ethnocentric"
Explanation: "It is no need being an ethnocentrist" is grammatically incorrect and awkward. "It is no longer necessary to be ethnocentric" corrects these issues and improves clarity and formality.

These changes enhance the academic tone and precision of the essay, aligning it with formal writing standards.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Task Response: 6

Answer All Parts of the Question:
- Detailed explanation: The essay addresses the prompt by discussing the impact of international media on cultural diversity. It acknowledges the argument that international media may have negative effects on cultural diversity and provides examples to support this view.
- How to improve: To improve, ensure every aspect of the prompt is thoroughly addressed. While the essay discusses negative impacts, it could also explore potential positive impacts or provide a more balanced view.
Present a Clear Position Throughout:
- Detailed explanation: The essay maintains a clear position against the expansion of international media, arguing that it leads to cultural homogenization and imperialization. This stance is consistent throughout the essay.
- How to improve: To enhance clarity, strengthen the thesis statement early on and reinforce it with cohesive arguments throughout each paragraph. This will provide a more robust structure to the argument.
Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:
- Detailed explanation: Ideas are presented but lack thorough development and cohesion. For example, the essay discusses the influence of Western media without fully elaborating on specific examples or providing deeper analysis.
- How to improve: Extend the discussion by providing more concrete examples and exploring their implications in greater depth. Connect ideas more explicitly to strengthen the argument’s coherence and impact.
Stay on Topic:
- Detailed explanation: The essay generally stays on topic but occasionally veers into tangential discussions, such as referencing historical events like American influence in Vietnam. While related, these tangents could distract from the main argument.
- How to improve: Focus more strictly on directly answering the prompt without delving into unrelated historical contexts unless directly relevant to supporting the argument.

Overall, while the essay effectively argues against the negative impacts of international media on cultural diversity, it could benefit from a more balanced exploration and deeper analysis of the topic. Strengthening the structure, coherence, and depth of the arguments would elevate the response to a higher band score.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 6

Organize Information Logically:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a moderate level of logical organization. There is an attempt to introduce the topic in the first paragraph and provide examples and arguments in subsequent paragraphs. However, transitions between ideas are sometimes abrupt, which can disrupt the overall coherence. For instance, the transition from discussing cultural diversity in the first paragraph to examples of cultural imperialism in the second paragraph could be smoother.
- How to improve: To enhance logical flow, ensure each paragraph connects seamlessly to the next. Consider using topic sentences at the beginning of each paragraph to clearly signal the main point. Additionally, a stronger concluding paragraph summarizing key arguments and viewpoints would help in reinforcing the overall structure.
Use Paragraphs:
- Detailed explanation: The essay attempts to use paragraphs to separate different ideas. However, paragraphing is inconsistent. Some paragraphs are overly long and cover multiple points, while others are too brief. This inconsistency affects the clarity of ideas within each paragraph.
- How to improve: Aim for a more consistent paragraph structure. Each paragraph should ideally focus on one main idea or argument supported by examples or details. Ensure that paragraphs are balanced in length and logically organized to maintain reader engagement and clarity.
Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:
- Detailed explanation: The essay makes an effort to use cohesive devices such as pronouns ("it," "they," "their"), conjunctions ("however," "but"), and repetition of key phrases ("cultural diversity," "Western media"). However, the usage is somewhat repetitive and basic, lacking variety and sophistication. This impacts the essay’s coherence as cohesive devices are crucial for connecting ideas logically.
- How to improve: Expand the range of cohesive devices used. Introduce more advanced linking words and phrases (e.g., "thus," "nevertheless," "consequently") to better articulate relationships between ideas. Use synonyms or pronouns effectively to avoid unnecessary repetition and enhance the flow of arguments.

In conclusion, while the essay demonstrates a clear attempt to address the prompt and organize ideas coherently, there are notable areas for improvement in logical flow, paragraph structure, and the use of cohesive devices. Strengthening these aspects will not only enhance clarity but also improve the overall coherence and cohesion of the essay, potentially raising the band score in this criterion.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 5

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 5

Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a moderate range of vocabulary. There is an attempt to use varied terms such as "dominance," "imperialize," "ethnocentrist," and "brainwash," which appropriately convey the author’s ideas on cultural impact. However, there is room for improvement as some vocabulary choices could be more precise or contextually fitting.
- How to improve: To enhance vocabulary range, consider incorporating more specific terms related to cultural diversity and media influence. For example, instead of "dominance," using "hegemony" could provide a more nuanced expression. Additionally, expanding on cultural terms specific to different regions would enrich the discussion, such as contrasting "individualism" in Western media with "collectivism" in Asian cultures.
Use Vocabulary Precisely:
- Detailed explanation: The essay occasionally uses vocabulary precisely to convey ideas, such as "cultural homogenisation," "imperialisation," and "ethnocentrist." However, there are instances of imprecise usage, like "captivated by the superiority of these programmes," where clearer language would strengthen the argument.
- How to improve: Focus on ensuring that each word choice directly supports the intended meaning. For instance, instead of "captivated by the superiority," consider using "influenced by the allure," which better conveys the persuasive impact of Western media without implying superiority.
Use Correct Spelling:
- Detailed explanation: There are several spelling errors throughout the essay, such as "seperated," "methodical," "as a free good," "imprialisation," and others. These errors occasionally disrupt readability and detract from the essay’s overall coherence.
- How to improve: Utilize spelling and grammar tools to identify and correct errors systematically. Additionally, reviewing each draft carefully for common mistakes like homophones and irregular spellings would significantly enhance accuracy.

In conclusion, while the essay demonstrates a solid understanding of the prompt and makes coherent arguments about the impacts of international media on cultural diversity, improvements in vocabulary range, precision, and spelling accuracy would elevate the clarity and sophistication of the analysis. Focus on refining vocabulary choices to better fit the context and ensure meticulous attention to spelling to strengthen overall presentation.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 4

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 4

Use a Wide Range of Structures:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a moderate variety of sentence structures. It includes simple and complex sentences but lacks consistency in using more sophisticated structures such as conditional sentences or complex clauses. For instance, there are instances of compound sentences ("It is true that… norms") and some complex sentences ("Their achievements… masterpieces which are embraced"), but these could be further diversified to enhance coherence and sophistication.
- How to improve: To enhance the variety and effectiveness of sentence structures, consider incorporating conditional sentences (e.g., "If international media were to diversify their content…"), relative clauses (e.g., "The cultural values that their ancestors passed on, which maintain each society’s functioning…"), and inverted sentence structures for emphasis (e.g., "Not only do these shows bring about messages that audiences idolize…"). This will elevate the essay’s complexity and coherence, supporting a higher band score.
Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:
- Detailed explanation: The essay exhibits noticeable grammatical issues throughout, affecting clarity and precision. Examples include subject-verb agreement errors ("messages media programmes convey have…"), tense consistency issues ("was made alterations to sets of norms"), and incorrect word usage ("captivated by the superiority of these programmes"). Punctuation errors are also present, such as missing commas in compound sentences and misuse of apostrophes ("each society’ functioning").
- How to improve: To improve grammatical accuracy, focus on reviewing basic grammar rules such as subject-verb agreement, correct verb tense usage (especially when discussing historical events), and precise word choice. Pay attention to punctuation marks like commas for separating clauses and apostrophes for possessives. Proofreading carefully and using grammar check tools can help identify and correct these errors effectively.

Overall, while the essay presents some complex ideas and attempts to explore the topic of cultural diversity and media influence, refining sentence structures for variety and addressing grammatical errors will significantly enhance clarity and coherence, potentially elevating the band score.

Bài sửa mẫu

It is undeniable that media programs, such as TV shows, movies, and fashion presentations, wield significant influence over individuals’ perceptions, beliefs, and norms. These principles are crucial in shaping the cultural fabric of societies worldwide. Due to geographical disparities, varying living conditions, and diverse regional governance, cultural diversity not only distinguishes us but also defines our identities and preserves our heritage.

Nevertheless, the widespread appeal and uniformity of entertainment content pose a threat to cultural diversity, particularly for the global majority with access to these media. This phenomenon is largely attributed to the dominance of Western media, whose achievements are not achieved effortlessly but rather through substantial investment, meticulous actor training, and a longstanding reputation for creating cinematic masterpieces embraced by audiences worldwide. Consequently, many viewers idolize the messages conveyed by these shows, often neglecting the cultural values inherited from their ancestors, which have sustained societies for millennia.

Cultural adaptation is not inherently negative; however, adopting entirely new beliefs can conflict with existing societal norms and traditions. For instance, the novel “Without Family” by French author Hector Malot, which extols individuality and independence, contrasts sharply with the communal values deeply rooted in Asian cultures. Sadly, this has led to instances where young Asians imitate risky behaviors depicted in such media, resulting in social issues like kidnapping and early exposure to negative influences.

Moreover, mainstream media has historically been used to promote political ideologies and territorial control, a practice that echoes past imperialistic endeavors. For instance, during the Vietnam War era, American cultural influence was deliberately introduced to South Vietnam, significantly impacting local beliefs and lifestyles. This influence persisted even after Vietnam gained independence, prompting many to seek the “American dream” through illegal immigration rather than contributing to their homeland’s post-war recovery efforts.

In conclusion, while the global reach of Western mainstream media can foster cultural imperialism, it is vital not to approach this issue with ethnocentrism. Instead, we should celebrate diversity of thought and actively resist cultural homogenization. Being mindful of the messages we consume and critically evaluating their impacts can help preserve our cultural identities while embracing the positive aspects of global connectivity.