Whether or not someone achieves their aims is mostly a question of luck. To what extent do you agree or not agree?

There is an opinion among numerous individuals that one of the primary causes of luck is to achieve their goals. I am not inclined to support depending on luck to earn aims.
First and foremost, hard work is a key factor in reaching one’s aims. It is more likely for those who work hard to overcome challenges and towards success. For example, Thomas Edison, the inventor of the electric light bulb. Before he succeeded, he tried and failed many times, however, thanks to his perseverance and hard work, he did not give up and finally invented the light bulb. Likewise, being persistent is very important. Most people face difficulties on their way to success but if they keep trying even after they fail, they will be able to achieve their goals. The 16th President of the United States, Abraham Lincoln, is an example of striving to become a powerful person. His life had many failures. However, after each failure, he considered it a source of motivation to continue to reap more successes.
Apart from this, confidence in one’s abilities helps people face difficulties and believe that they can achieve success. For instance, Rowling's confidence in the author of Harry Potter helped her overcome initial rejections and continue pursuing her goals of proving that confidence in one's abilities can help people face difficulties and achieve success. As well as that, patience helps a person overcome difficulties and challenges in the process of achieving goals without feeling discouraged.
In conclusion, although luck can sometimes help someone achieve their aims, consistent effort and determination are much more important.

Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

"There is an opinion among numerous individuals" -> "It is a widely held belief among many individuals"
Explanation: "It is a widely held belief" is more formal and precise than "There is an opinion," which sounds vague and informal. Using "many" instead of "numerous" also simplifies the language without losing meaning.
"I am not inclined to support depending on luck to earn aims." -> "I do not advocate relying on luck to achieve goals."
Explanation: "I do not advocate relying on luck to achieve goals" is more direct and formal than "I am not inclined to support depending on luck to earn aims." The term "advocate" is more appropriate in academic writing than "incline," and "goals" is a more standard term than "aims" in this context.
"It is more likely for those who work hard to overcome challenges and towards success." -> "Individuals who work diligently are more likely to overcome challenges and achieve success."
Explanation: "Individuals who work diligently" is more specific and formal than "those who work hard," and "achieve success" is more precise than "towards success," which is awkwardly phrased.
"Before he succeeded, he tried and failed many times, however, thanks to his perseverance and hard work, he did not give up and finally invented the light bulb." -> "Before achieving success, he faced numerous failures, yet his perseverance and diligence ultimately led to the invention of the light bulb."
Explanation: "Achieving success" is more formal than "succeeded," and "faced numerous failures" is more precise than "tried and failed many times." The phrase "yet his perseverance and diligence ultimately led to" is more formal and flows better than "however, thanks to his perseverance and hard work, he did not give up and finally invented the light bulb."
"Likewise, being persistent is very important." -> "Similarly, persistence is crucial."
Explanation: "Similarly" is more formal than "Likewise," and "crucial" is more academically precise than "very important."
"Most people face difficulties on their way to success but if they keep trying even after they fail, they will be able to achieve their goals." -> "Many individuals encounter obstacles on their path to success, yet if they persist even after setbacks, they can attain their objectives."
Explanation: "Many individuals" is more formal than "Most people," and "encounter obstacles" is more precise than "face difficulties." "Path to success" is a more formal expression than "way to success," and "attain their objectives" is more formal than "be able to achieve their goals."
"As well as that, patience helps a person overcome difficulties and challenges in the process of achieving goals without feeling discouraged." -> "Furthermore, patience enables individuals to overcome challenges and obstacles in the pursuit of their objectives without becoming discouraged."
Explanation: "Furthermore" is a more formal transitional phrase than "As well as that," and "enables individuals" is more formal than "helps a person." "Obstacles" is a more precise term than "difficulties and challenges," and "pursuit of their objectives" is more formal than "process of achieving goals."

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Task Response: 7

Answer All Parts of the Question:
- Detailed explanation: The essay addresses the prompt by arguing against the notion that luck is the primary factor in achieving goals. It presents a clear stance that emphasizes hard work, persistence, confidence, and patience as more significant contributors to success. However, the essay could benefit from a more explicit acknowledgment of the role of luck, even if only to refute it. For instance, a brief mention of situations where luck plays a role in success could strengthen the argument by showing a balanced view.
- How to improve: To more comprehensively address all elements of the question, the writer should explicitly discuss the concept of luck in the introduction and conclusion. This could involve acknowledging that while luck may play a role, it is not the primary factor, thus providing a more nuanced argument.
Present a Clear Position Throughout:
- Detailed explanation: The essay maintains a clear position against the idea that luck is the main determinant of success. The use of examples such as Thomas Edison and Abraham Lincoln effectively supports this stance. However, the transition between ideas could be smoother, as some sentences feel slightly disjointed, which may cause the reader to lose track of the main argument.
- How to improve: To enhance clarity and consistency, the writer should use clearer topic sentences at the beginning of each paragraph that directly relate back to the main argument. Additionally, incorporating transitional phrases can help guide the reader through the progression of ideas more seamlessly.
Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents several well-known examples to support the argument, such as Thomas Edison and Abraham Lincoln, which are relevant and effective. However, the development of ideas could be improved. For instance, the mention of J.K. Rowling is somewhat vague and lacks depth; it could benefit from a more detailed explanation of her journey and how confidence specifically played a role in her success.
- How to improve: To effectively present, elaborate, and substantiate ideas, the writer should aim to provide more detailed examples and explanations. Each example should not only illustrate the point but also connect back to the thesis more explicitly. This could involve discussing how each individual’s qualities directly contributed to their success in a more detailed manner.
Stay on Topic:
- Detailed explanation: The essay generally stays on topic, focusing on the argument against luck in achieving goals. However, certain phrases, such as "confidence in one’s abilities can help people face difficulties," could be perceived as slightly repetitive and may distract from the main argument. Additionally, the phrase "as well as that" is somewhat informal and could be more effectively replaced with a more formal transition.
- How to improve: To maintain focus and relevance to the topic, the writer should avoid redundancy and ensure that each point made directly supports the thesis. Using varied vocabulary and formal transitions will also enhance the overall coherence and professionalism of the essay.

In summary, while the essay demonstrates a solid understanding of the prompt and presents a clear argument, improvements in addressing all aspects of the question, enhancing clarity and consistency, providing more detailed support for ideas, and maintaining focus will help elevate the score further.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 7

Organize Information Logically:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents a clear argument against the notion that luck is the primary factor in achieving goals. The introduction sets the stage for the discussion, and each paragraph builds on the central theme. For instance, the first body paragraph discusses hard work, while the second focuses on confidence. However, the transition between ideas could be smoother. The examples provided, such as Thomas Edison and Abraham Lincoln, are relevant but could be better integrated into the overall argument to enhance logical flow.
- How to improve: To enhance logical organization, consider using clearer topic sentences that outline the main point of each paragraph. Additionally, using transitional phrases (e.g., "Furthermore," "In addition," or "Conversely") can help guide the reader through the argument more fluidly. For example, at the beginning of the second body paragraph, a transition that explicitly connects hard work to confidence would strengthen the overall coherence.
Use Paragraphs:
- Detailed explanation: The essay effectively uses paragraphs to separate distinct ideas, which is a strength. Each paragraph focuses on a specific aspect of the argument, making it easier for the reader to follow. However, the second body paragraph could benefit from clearer separation of ideas, particularly when discussing confidence and patience. The ideas feel somewhat jumbled together, which can confuse the reader.
- How to improve: To improve paragraph structure, ensure that each paragraph contains one main idea supported by examples. Consider breaking the second body paragraph into two distinct paragraphs: one focusing on confidence and the other on patience. This will allow for a more in-depth exploration of each concept and enhance clarity.
Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:
- Detailed explanation: The essay employs some cohesive devices, such as "for example" and "however," which help connect ideas. However, the range of cohesive devices is somewhat limited, and the repetition of certain phrases (e.g., "achieve their aims") can detract from the overall fluidity of the writing. Additionally, the use of cohesive devices does not always enhance the clarity of the argument, as seen in the awkward phrasing in the second body paragraph.
- How to improve: To diversify the use of cohesive devices, incorporate a wider variety of linking words and phrases, such as "in contrast," "on the other hand," and "as a result." This will help clarify relationships between ideas and improve the overall flow. Additionally, revising sentences for clarity and coherence can help eliminate redundancy and enhance the essay’s cohesiveness. For instance, rephrasing the sentence about Rowling’s confidence could improve clarity and reduce confusion.

By addressing these areas, the essay can achieve a higher level of coherence and cohesion, potentially improving its overall band score.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 6

Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a reasonable range of vocabulary, with terms such as "perseverance," "persistent," and "motivation." However, the vocabulary is somewhat repetitive, particularly in phrases like "achieve their goals" and "face difficulties." The use of synonyms or varied expressions could enhance the richness of the language. For example, instead of repeatedly using "achieve," alternatives like "attain" or "realize" could be employed.
- How to improve: To improve lexical range, the writer should actively seek synonyms and related terms. Utilizing a thesaurus can help identify alternatives. Additionally, incorporating more varied expressions related to success and challenges would enhance the essay’s depth. For instance, instead of saying "face difficulties," one could say "confront obstacles" or "navigate challenges."
Use Vocabulary Precisely:
- Detailed explanation: The essay contains some instances of imprecise vocabulary usage. For example, the phrase "one of the primary causes of luck is to achieve their goals" is unclear and could be interpreted as suggesting that luck is a cause rather than a factor in achieving goals. Furthermore, the phrase "confidence in the author of Harry Potter" is misleading; it should refer to "J.K. Rowling" rather than implying confidence in the author as a concept.
- How to improve: To enhance precision, the writer should focus on clarity in their statements. Rephrasing ambiguous sentences for clarity is essential. For instance, the first sentence could be revised to "Many individuals believe that luck plays a significant role in achieving one’s goals." This change clarifies the intent and improves the overall coherence of the argument.
Use Correct Spelling:
- Detailed explanation: The essay generally demonstrates good spelling accuracy, with no glaring errors. However, there is a minor issue with the phrase "Rowling’s confidence in the author of Harry Potter," which could be misinterpreted due to a lack of clarity rather than a spelling error. The writer’s spelling of common words is accurate, which contributes positively to the overall impression.
- How to improve: To maintain and enhance spelling accuracy, the writer should proofread their work carefully. Reading the essay aloud can help catch any awkward phrases or potential misinterpretations. Additionally, practicing spelling through writing exercises or using spelling apps can further reinforce this skill.

In summary, while the essay meets the basic criteria for lexical resource, there is room for improvement in vocabulary range, precision, and clarity. By incorporating a wider variety of vocabulary, ensuring precise language use, and maintaining spelling accuracy, the writer can enhance their score in this criterion.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 7

Use a Wide Range of Structures:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a good variety of sentence structures, including simple, compound, and complex sentences. For example, the use of conditional structures in "if they keep trying even after they fail" showcases an understanding of complex sentence formation. However, there are instances of repetitive sentence beginnings, such as starting multiple sentences with "For example" or "However," which can detract from the overall variety.
- How to improve: To enhance the diversity of sentence structures, consider varying the introductory phrases and using more complex clauses. For instance, instead of repeatedly using "For example," you could use phrases like "To illustrate this point," or "A case in point is." Additionally, incorporating more varied conjunctions and relative clauses can help create more complex sentences, thereby enriching the essay’s overall structure.
Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:
- Detailed explanation: The essay generally maintains a good level of grammatical accuracy, but there are some noticeable errors. For instance, the phrase "one of the primary causes of luck is to achieve their goals" is awkwardly constructed; it should be rephrased for clarity, possibly to "one of the primary beliefs is that luck plays a significant role in achieving goals." Additionally, there are punctuation issues, such as the incorrect use of a period in "the inventor of the electric light bulb." This should be a complete sentence rather than a fragment.
- How to improve: To improve grammatical accuracy, focus on sentence clarity and coherence. Ensure that each sentence is complete and conveys a clear idea. Reviewing punctuation rules, particularly for complex sentences, can also help. For example, using commas correctly to separate clauses will enhance readability. Practicing with grammar exercises focused on common errors can further solidify your understanding and application of grammatical rules.

By addressing these areas, you can work towards achieving a higher band score in the Grammatical Range and Accuracy criteria.

Bài sửa mẫu

There is a widely held belief among many individuals that luck plays a significant role in achieving one’s goals. However, I do not advocate relying on luck to attain success.

First and foremost, hard work is a key factor in reaching one’s aims. Individuals who work diligently are more likely to overcome challenges and achieve success. For example, Thomas Edison, the inventor of the electric light bulb, faced numerous failures before he succeeded. Yet, thanks to his perseverance and diligence, he did not give up and ultimately invented the light bulb. Likewise, persistence is crucial. Many individuals encounter obstacles on their path to success, yet if they persist even after setbacks, they can attain their objectives. The 16th President of the United States, Abraham Lincoln, exemplifies this notion. His life was filled with failures; however, after each setback, he viewed it as a source of motivation to continue striving for greater success.

Furthermore, confidence in one’s abilities helps people confront difficulties and believe that they can achieve their goals. For instance, J.K. Rowling, the author of Harry Potter, demonstrated that confidence in her abilities enabled her to overcome initial rejections and continue pursuing her aspirations. Additionally, patience allows individuals to navigate challenges and obstacles in the pursuit of their objectives without becoming discouraged.

In conclusion, although luck can sometimes assist someone in achieving their aims, consistent effort and determination are far more important.