With deforestation, urban development and illegal hunting, many animal species are becoming endangered as they lose their habitat and some are even threatened to the point of extinction. Do you think it is important to protect animals? What measures can be taken to deal with these problems?

With deforestation, urban development and illegal hunting, many animal species are becoming endangered as they lose their habitat and some are even threatened to the point of extinction.
Do you think it is important to protect animals?
What measures can be taken to deal with these problems?

The number of animals has declined significantly and is threatened to the point of extinction due to the loss of habitat from deforestation, urban development, and illegal hunting. In this essay, I will analyze the vitality of preserving wildlife animals and propose viable solutions to address them.
To begin with, preserving biodiversity and maintaining a balanced ecosystem is essential for the planet. This means the loss of animals can disrupt ecosystems and affect food chains, leading to long-term environmental consequences. For example, An Giang, one of the most popular agricultural provinces in Vietnam, had a huge hunt for sparrows in 2000 because of its reproduction. However, the absence of sparrows led to the appearance of worms, which affected rice cultivation and farmers had a poor harvest.
Owing to these aforementioned problems, the government should take prompt action to improve the situation. First, this organ of a nation can utilize social media platforms to raise public awareness. For example, launching media campaigns on platforms like TikTok, Instagram, and Facebook can effectively highlight the effect of these activities on the environment. Another workable solution is for the government authority to strengthen the regulations. By tightening the law, not only procedures but also officers will prevent the hunters from committing crimes.
In conclusion, wildlife animals are threatened due to human activities. However, by promoting the protection of animals via social media and establishing laws, the situation can be improved.

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Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

1. "The number of animals has declined significantly and is threatened to the point of extinction" -> "The number of animal species has significantly declined and is threatened with extinction"
   Explanation: The phrase "is threatened to the point of extinction" is somewhat awkward and informal. "Is threatened with extinction" is more precise and commonly used in formal academic writing.

2. "vitality of preserving wildlife animals" -> "importance of preserving wildlife"
   Explanation: "Vitality" is not the correct term here; "importance" is more appropriate to convey the significance of preserving wildlife.

3. "proposing viable solutions to address them" -> "proposing effective solutions to address these issues"
   Explanation: "Viable" is somewhat vague; "effective" is more specific and academically precise. Also, "these issues" is more formal than "them," which is somewhat informal.

4. "This means the loss of animals can disrupt ecosystems" -> "This implies that the loss of animal species can disrupt ecosystems"
   Explanation: "This means" is too casual; "This implies" is more formal and suitable for academic writing. Also, "animal species" is more precise than "animals."

5. "An Giang, one of the most popular agricultural provinces in Vietnam, had a huge hunt for sparrows" -> "In An Giang, a major agricultural province in Vietnam, there was a significant hunt for sparrows"
   Explanation: "Had a huge hunt" is informal and imprecise; "there was a significant hunt" is more formal and specific.

6. "the absence of sparrows led to the appearance of worms" -> "the absence of sparrows led to an increase in worm populations"
   Explanation: "The appearance of worms" is vague; "an increase in worm populations" is more specific and scientifically accurate.

7. "which affected rice cultivation and farmers had a poor harvest" -> "which affected rice cultivation, resulting in poor harvests"
   Explanation: "Farmers had a poor harvest" is informal and passive; "resulting in poor harvests" is more active and formal.

8. "this organ of a nation" -> "this government"
   Explanation: "This organ of a nation" is awkward and unclear; "this government" is straightforward and appropriate for formal writing.

9. "utilize social media platforms" -> "utilize social media platforms such as TikTok, Instagram, and Facebook"
   Explanation: Adding "such as" clarifies the specific platforms mentioned, enhancing clarity and formality.

10. "Another workable solution is for the government authority to strengthen the regulations" -> "Another viable solution is for the government to strengthen regulations"
    Explanation: "Government authority" is redundant; "government" suffices. Also, "workable" is less formal than "viable," which is preferred in academic contexts.

11. "By tightening the law, not only procedures but also officers will prevent the hunters from committing crimes" -> "By strengthening the laws and enforcement, both procedures and officers will prevent hunters from committing crimes"
    Explanation: "Tightening the law" is informal; "strengthening the laws and enforcement" is more precise and formal. Also, "both procedures and officers" is clearer than "not only procedures but also officers."

12. "wildlife animals" -> "wildlife"
    Explanation: "Wildlife animals" is redundant; "wildlife" is sufficient and more concise.

These changes enhance the formality, precision, and clarity of the essay, aligning it more closely with academic writing standards.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 5

Band Score for Task Response: 5 – UNDER WORD

• Answer All Parts of the Question:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay addresses the importance of protecting animals and suggests measures to combat the issues of deforestation, urban development, and illegal hunting. However, it lacks a thorough exploration of the second part of the prompt regarding specific measures that can be taken. While the essay mentions raising public awareness through social media and strengthening regulations, it does not delve deeply into these solutions or explore additional measures that could be implemented.
  • How to improve: To better address all parts of the question, the writer should expand on the proposed solutions and include a wider range of measures. This could involve discussing conservation programs, habitat restoration, or international cooperation on wildlife protection. Providing more detailed examples and elaborating on how these measures could be effectively implemented would strengthen the response.

• Present a Clear Position Throughout:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay presents a clear position on the importance of protecting animals, particularly in the introduction and conclusion. However, the position could be more consistently reinforced throughout the body paragraphs. The transition from discussing the importance of biodiversity to proposing solutions feels somewhat abrupt, which may confuse readers about the overall stance.
  • How to improve: To maintain a clear and consistent position, the writer should ensure that each paragraph explicitly ties back to the main argument. This can be achieved by using topic sentences that reflect the thesis and by linking the importance of protecting animals directly to the proposed solutions. Additionally, reinforcing the significance of each solution in relation to the overall argument would enhance clarity.

• Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay presents some ideas regarding the importance of biodiversity and suggests two measures to address the issues. However, the development of these ideas is limited. For instance, the example of sparrows in Vietnam is relevant but could be expanded with more detail about the consequences of their decline and how it relates to broader environmental issues. The solutions proposed are also not sufficiently supported with evidence or examples.
  • How to improve: To improve the presentation and support of ideas, the writer should aim to provide more comprehensive explanations and examples for each point made. This could include statistical data on endangered species, case studies of successful conservation efforts, or more in-depth analysis of the proposed measures. Each idea should be clearly linked to the thesis and elaborated upon to demonstrate its significance.

• Stay on Topic:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay generally stays on topic, focusing on the importance of protecting animals and the measures to address the threats they face. However, there are moments where the focus could be sharpened, particularly in the body paragraphs. For instance, the discussion of social media campaigns, while relevant, could be more directly tied to the broader theme of wildlife protection.
  • How to improve: To maintain focus and relevance, the writer should ensure that every point made directly contributes to the central argument of the essay. Avoiding tangential information and ensuring that each example or suggestion is explicitly linked to the protection of animals will help keep the essay on track. Additionally, using clear transitions between ideas can help reinforce the central theme throughout the essay.

Overall, to achieve a higher band score, the essay needs to be more comprehensive in addressing all parts of the prompt, maintain a consistent position, develop and support ideas more thoroughly, and ensure that all content remains relevant to the topic.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 8

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 8

• Organize Information Logically:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay presents a clear and logical structure, beginning with an introduction that outlines the issues at hand and the writer’s intent. The body paragraphs follow a coherent progression, with the first paragraph discussing the importance of preserving biodiversity and the second addressing potential solutions. The use of examples, such as the impact of sparrow hunting in An Giang, effectively illustrates the points made. However, the transition between the importance of biodiversity and the proposed solutions could be smoother, as the connection between the two ideas is somewhat abrupt.
  • How to improve: To enhance the logical flow, consider using transitional phrases that explicitly link the importance of biodiversity to the proposed solutions. For example, after discussing the consequences of losing species, a sentence could be added to transition into the solutions, such as, "Given these significant impacts, it is imperative that we take immediate action to protect wildlife."

• Use Paragraphs:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay effectively uses paragraphs to separate ideas, with a clear introduction, body paragraphs, and a conclusion. Each paragraph focuses on a specific aspect of the argument, which aids readability and comprehension. However, the second body paragraph could be further divided to distinguish between raising awareness and strengthening regulations, as these are two distinct measures.
  • How to improve: To improve paragraphing, consider creating a separate paragraph for each major solution proposed. This would allow for a more in-depth discussion of each measure, providing space to elaborate on how social media campaigns and legal regulations can be implemented and their potential effectiveness.

• Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a good use of cohesive devices, such as "To begin with," "Owing to these aforementioned problems," and "In conclusion," which guide the reader through the text. However, there is a reliance on a few phrases, and the essay could benefit from a wider variety of cohesive devices to enhance the flow and connection between ideas. For instance, the phrase "for example" is used effectively, but varying this with alternatives like "for instance" or "such as" could add richness to the writing.
  • How to improve: To diversify the use of cohesive devices, incorporate a broader range of linking words and phrases that indicate contrast, addition, or cause and effect. For example, using phrases like "Furthermore," "In addition," or "Consequently" can help to create a more nuanced and sophisticated connection between ideas. Additionally, ensure that each cohesive device is used appropriately to maintain clarity and coherence.

Overall, the essay demonstrates a strong command of coherence and cohesion, with clear organization and effective use of paragraphs and cohesive devices. By implementing the suggested improvements, the writer can further enhance the logical flow and clarity of their argument.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 6

• Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a reasonable range of vocabulary relevant to the topic of wildlife conservation. Terms such as "biodiversity," "ecosystem," "public awareness," and "regulations" are appropriately used. However, there are instances where vocabulary could be more varied. For example, the phrase "the number of animals has declined significantly" could be enhanced with synonyms or more specific terms like "populations" or "species." The use of "viable solutions" is good, but the essay could benefit from more varied expressions to avoid repetition, such as using "effective measures" or "practical approaches."
  • How to improve: To enhance vocabulary range, the writer should actively incorporate synonyms and related terms. Reading more widely on environmental topics can help expose the writer to diverse vocabulary. Additionally, practicing paraphrasing sentences can aid in developing a more varied lexicon.

• Use Vocabulary Precisely:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay generally uses vocabulary correctly, but there are moments of imprecision. For instance, the phrase "this organ of a nation" is unclear and likely intended to refer to "the government." This imprecision can confuse readers and detracts from the overall clarity of the argument. Moreover, the term "huge hunt for sparrows" could be more precisely stated as "large-scale hunting of sparrows" to convey the intended meaning more effectively.
  • How to improve: To improve precision, the writer should focus on clarity and specificity in word choice. It may be helpful to review vocabulary in context and ensure that terms are used in a way that accurately reflects their meanings. Engaging in peer reviews or using tools like thesauruses can also assist in selecting the most appropriate words.

• Use Correct Spelling:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a good level of spelling accuracy, with only a few minor errors. However, the phrase "the absence of sparrows led to the appearance of worms" is grammatically correct but could be misinterpreted if not carefully read. The spelling of all key terms appears to be correct, which is a strength.
  • How to improve: To enhance spelling accuracy, the writer should practice writing regularly and utilize spell-check tools. Additionally, proofreading the essay aloud can help catch any overlooked errors. Keeping a personal list of commonly misspelled words and reviewing them can also be beneficial.

Overall, while the essay demonstrates a solid foundation in lexical resource, focusing on expanding vocabulary range, improving precision in word choice, and maintaining spelling accuracy will help elevate the score in this criterion.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 7

• Use a Wide Range of Structures:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a good variety of sentence structures. For instance, complex sentences like "This means the loss of animals can disrupt ecosystems and affect food chains, leading to long-term environmental consequences" effectively convey multiple ideas within a single sentence. Additionally, the use of conditional structures in "by promoting the protection of animals via social media and establishing laws, the situation can be improved" showcases an understanding of nuanced expression. However, there are instances of repetitive structures, particularly in the way solutions are introduced (e.g., "Another workable solution is for the government authority to strengthen the regulations"). This could limit the overall impression of grammatical range.
  • How to improve: To enhance the variety of sentence structures, consider incorporating more varied introductory phrases and clauses. For example, instead of repeatedly using "Another workable solution," you could use phrases like "In addition to this," or "Furthermore," to introduce new ideas. Additionally, try to include more complex and compound-complex sentences that combine multiple ideas, which would demonstrate a higher level of grammatical sophistication.

• Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay generally maintains a good level of grammatical accuracy, with only a few minor errors. For example, the phrase "the absence of sparrows led to the appearance of worms" is clear and grammatically correct. However, there are issues with punctuation, such as the unnecessary capitalization of "An Giang" in the middle of a sentence, which should be lowercase unless at the beginning of a sentence. Additionally, the phrase "this organ of a nation" is awkward and could be rephrased for clarity.
  • How to improve: To improve grammatical accuracy and punctuation, pay closer attention to the rules of capitalization and ensure that proper nouns are used correctly. Additionally, consider revising awkward phrases for clarity and fluidity. For example, instead of "this organ of a nation," you could say "this governmental body" or "the government." Regular practice with grammar exercises and proofreading your work for punctuation errors can also help enhance overall accuracy.

By addressing these areas for improvement, the essay can achieve a higher band score in Grammatical Range and Accuracy.

Bài sửa mẫu

The number of animal species has declined significantly and is threatened with extinction due to the loss of habitat from deforestation, urban development, and illegal hunting. In this essay, I will analyze the importance of preserving wildlife and propose viable solutions to address these issues.

To begin with, preserving biodiversity and maintaining a balanced ecosystem is essential for the planet. This implies that the loss of animal species can disrupt ecosystems and affect food chains, leading to long-term environmental consequences. For example, An Giang, one of the major agricultural provinces in Vietnam, had a significant hunt for sparrows in 2000 because of their reproduction. However, the absence of sparrows led to an increase in worm populations, which affected rice cultivation, resulting in poor harvests.

Owing to these aforementioned problems, the government should take prompt action to improve the situation. First, this organ of the nation can utilize social media platforms to raise public awareness. For example, launching media campaigns on platforms like TikTok, Instagram, and Facebook can effectively highlight the impact of these activities on the environment. Another viable solution is for the government to strengthen regulations. By tightening the laws and enforcement, both procedures and officers will prevent hunters from committing crimes.

In conclusion, wildlife is threatened due to human activities. However, by promoting the protection of animals via social media and establishing laws, the situation can be improved.