Women and men are commonly sees as having different strengths and weaknesses. Is it right to exclude males or females from certain professions because of their gender?

In contemporary society, gender stereotypes persistently influence perceptions of strengths and weaknesses among men and women. The notion that certain professions are more suited to one gender over another is a topic of ongoing debate. While it is true that biological differences can shape some aptitudes, I believe that it is unjustifiable to exclude individuals from professions solely based on gender.

Firstly, numerous studies have shown that both men and women are equally capable of performing well in a wide range of professions. Throughout history, women have faced barriers in fields traditionally dominated by men, such as engineering and technology. Nevertheless, figures like Ada Lovelace and modern female engineers have demonstrated exceptional competence and innovation in these areas. This situation also has happened with males. men have also challenged stereotypes by excelling in traditionally female-dominated professions like nursing and primary education. Countries such as Sweden and Norway have witnessed a rise in male nurses, showcasing compassion and proficiency in caregiving roles traditionally associated with women. Their achievements highlight the fallacy of gender-based restrictions in professional settings.

Furthemore, excluding individuals from professions based solely on gender overlooks the diverse talents and abilities that both men and women bring to the workforce. Embracing diversity in professions not only fosters inclusivity but also enhances innovation and productivity. Diverse teams are known to generate more creative solutions due to varied perspectives and experiences.

In conclusion, it is important to assess men and women equally on the basis of their talents and abilities in order to select the most suitable candidates for each position. This strategy not only advances equality but also improves general productivity and creativity across a range of professions.

Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

"persistently influence" -> "continuously influence"
Explanation: "Continuously" is more precise and academically appropriate than "persistently," which can imply a sense of stubbornness or persistence in a negative light, which is not the intended meaning here.
"more suited to one gender over another" -> "more suitable for one gender than another"
Explanation: "More suitable for one gender than another" is a more formal and precise way to express the comparison, aligning better with academic style.
"it is unjustifiable" -> "it is unjustifiable"
Explanation: The word "unjustifiable" is correct and does not need an adverb to modify it, as it is an adjective that directly describes the action of excluding individuals.
"numerous studies have shown" -> "numerous studies demonstrate"
Explanation: "Demonstrate" is a more active and precise verb choice than "have shown," which is somewhat passive and less direct.
"Throughout history, women have faced barriers" -> "Throughout history, women have encountered barriers"
Explanation: "Encountered" is a more precise term that implies a direct experience with barriers, enhancing the academic tone.
"figures like Ada Lovelace" -> "figures such as Ada Lovelace"
Explanation: "Such as" is more formal and appropriate in academic writing than "like," which is more colloquial.
"This situation also has happened with males." -> "This phenomenon also applies to males."
Explanation: "Phenomenon" is a more formal term than "situation," and "applies to" is more precise than "has happened with," which is somewhat informal.
"men have also challenged stereotypes" -> "men have also challenged these stereotypes"
Explanation: Adding "these" clarifies which stereotypes are being referred to, enhancing clarity and formality.
"Furthemore" -> "Furthermore"
Explanation: "Furthermore" is the correct spelling, and it is a standard transitional phrase in formal writing.
"embracing diversity in professions" -> "embracing diversity within professions"
Explanation: "Within" is more precise and appropriate in this context, indicating the inclusion of diversity within specific professions.
"not only fosters inclusivity but also enhances innovation and productivity" -> "not only fosters inclusivity but also enhances innovation and productivity"
Explanation: This is a minor correction to maintain parallel structure and maintain the formal tone.
"Diverse teams are known to generate more creative solutions" -> "Diverse teams are known to produce more innovative solutions"
Explanation: "Produce" is a more formal synonym for "generate," and "innovative" is more specific and academically appropriate than "creative" in this context.
"advances equality" -> "promotes equality"
Explanation: "Promotes" is a more precise and formal verb than "advances" in this context, aligning better with academic language.
"improves general productivity" -> "enhances overall productivity"
Explanation: "Enhances" is a more formal synonym for "improves," and "overall" is more precise than "general" in describing the scope of improvement.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 9

Band Score for Task Response: 9

Answer All Parts of the Question:
- Detailed explanation: The essay effectively addresses the prompt by discussing the implications of gender stereotypes in professional settings. It acknowledges the ongoing debate about gender roles and clearly states the author’s position against exclusion based on gender. The essay references both men and women, providing examples of individuals who have excelled in non-traditional roles, thus addressing both parts of the question comprehensively.
- How to improve: While the essay is strong, it could enhance its response by briefly mentioning specific professions where gender exclusion is prevalent and discussing the potential consequences of such exclusions. This would provide a more rounded view of the issue.
Present a Clear Position Throughout:
- Detailed explanation: The author maintains a clear and consistent position against gender-based exclusions throughout the essay. The stance is articulated in the introduction and reinforced in each body paragraph, particularly through the use of examples that illustrate the capabilities of both genders in various professions. The conclusion succinctly reiterates the main argument, ensuring clarity.
- How to improve: To further strengthen the clarity of the position, the author could include a counterargument acknowledging the reasons some might support gender-based exclusions, followed by a rebuttal. This would demonstrate a deeper engagement with the topic and enhance the persuasiveness of the argument.
Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents well-structured ideas, supported by relevant examples and studies. The discussion of historical barriers faced by women and the mention of male nurses serve to extend the argument effectively. The author also discusses the benefits of diversity in the workplace, which adds depth to the analysis.
- How to improve: To further extend ideas, the author could incorporate statistical data or research findings that quantify the impact of gender diversity on workplace performance. This would provide stronger empirical support for the claims made and enhance the overall argument.
Stay on Topic:
- Detailed explanation: The essay remains focused on the topic of gender and professional roles throughout. Each paragraph contributes to the central argument without deviating into unrelated areas. The use of relevant examples ensures that the discussion stays pertinent to the prompt.
- How to improve: To ensure sustained focus, the author could include transitional phrases that explicitly link back to the prompt in each paragraph. This would reinforce the connection between the examples provided and the central question of gender exclusion in professions.

Overall, the essay is well-crafted, demonstrating a thorough understanding of the topic and effectively addressing the prompt. With minor enhancements in the areas suggested, it could achieve even greater depth and persuasiveness.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 8

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 8

Organize Information Logically:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents a clear and logical structure, beginning with an introduction that sets the context and states the author’s position. Each paragraph follows a coherent progression of ideas, with the first body paragraph discussing the capabilities of both genders in various professions, and the second body paragraph emphasizing the benefits of diversity in the workplace. The conclusion effectively summarizes the main arguments and reinforces the thesis. However, while the overall organization is strong, the transition between the first and second body paragraphs could be smoother to enhance the flow of ideas.
- How to improve: To improve logical organization, consider adding a transitional sentence at the end of the first body paragraph that links the discussion of gender capabilities to the importance of diversity in the second paragraph. For example, a sentence like “Recognizing these capabilities is crucial, as it leads to a more inclusive approach that values diversity in the workplace” would create a clearer connection between the two ideas.
Use Paragraphs:
- Detailed explanation: The essay effectively uses paragraphs to separate distinct ideas, with each paragraph focusing on a specific aspect of the argument. The introduction and conclusion are clearly defined, and the body paragraphs are well-structured, each beginning with a clear topic sentence. However, the second body paragraph could benefit from more internal structure, as it presents multiple ideas without clear delineation between them.
- How to improve: To enhance paragraph structure, consider breaking the second body paragraph into two distinct paragraphs: one focusing on the importance of diversity and the other on the benefits of diverse teams. This would allow for a more in-depth exploration of each idea and improve clarity. Additionally, using topic sentences to introduce each new point within the paragraph can help guide the reader through the argument.
Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a good use of cohesive devices, such as “Firstly,” “Nevertheless,” and “In conclusion,” which help to guide the reader through the argument. The use of examples, such as Ada Lovelace and the rise of male nurses, effectively supports the points made. However, there is some repetition in the use of cohesive devices, particularly in the transitions between sentences and paragraphs, which can detract from the overall fluidity of the essay.
- How to improve: To diversify the use of cohesive devices, consider incorporating a wider range of linking phrases and synonyms. For instance, instead of repeatedly using “Firstly” and “Nevertheless,” try alternatives like “To begin with” or “On the other hand.” Additionally, varying sentence structures and using more complex cohesive devices, such as “In light of this” or “Consequently,” can enhance the sophistication of the writing and improve the overall coherence.

Overall, the essay demonstrates a strong command of coherence and cohesion, with clear organization, effective paragraphing, and a good range of cohesive devices. By implementing the suggested improvements, the writer can further enhance the clarity and fluidity of their arguments, potentially achieving an even higher band score.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 7

Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a good range of vocabulary with terms such as "gender stereotypes," "aptitudes," "barriers," "compassion," and "proficiency." These words are appropriate for the topic and contribute to the clarity of the argument. However, there are instances where vocabulary could be more varied. For example, the phrase "traditionally dominated by men" is repeated in the context of different professions, which could be expressed with synonyms or alternative phrases to enhance lexical diversity.
- How to improve: To improve, consider incorporating synonyms or related terms to avoid repetition. For instance, instead of saying "traditionally dominated by men," you could use "historically male-dominated" or "fields typically associated with men." Additionally, introducing more advanced vocabulary related to gender studies or professional environments could further elevate the essay.
Use Vocabulary Precisely:
- Detailed explanation: The essay generally uses vocabulary accurately, but there are some imprecise usages that could lead to confusion. For instance, the phrase "This situation also has happened with males" is awkwardly constructed and could be misinterpreted. A clearer expression would be "A similar situation has occurred with men." Moreover, the use of "unjustifiable" is strong but could be softened or clarified with additional context about why exclusion based on gender is problematic.
- How to improve: To enhance precision, focus on sentence structure and clarity. Review sentences for awkward phrasing and aim for straightforward language that conveys your point clearly. Additionally, consider using more specific terms when discussing concepts; for example, instead of "barriers," you might specify "institutional barriers" or "cultural barriers" to provide clearer context.
Use Correct Spelling:
- Detailed explanation: The essay contains a few spelling errors, such as "Furthemore," which should be "Furthermore." Such mistakes can detract from the overall professionalism of the writing and may distract the reader from the argument being presented.
- How to improve: To improve spelling accuracy, implement a proofreading strategy. After completing the essay, take a moment to read it aloud or use spelling and grammar checking tools. Additionally, familiarize yourself with commonly misspelled words and practice writing them correctly. Regular reading and writing will also help reinforce correct spelling patterns.

Overall, the essay demonstrates a solid command of vocabulary, but with targeted improvements in range, precision, and spelling, it could achieve an even higher band score in Lexical Resource.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 8

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 8

Use a Wide Range of Structures:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a commendable variety of sentence structures, including simple, compound, and complex sentences. For instance, the opening sentence effectively uses a complex structure: "In contemporary society, gender stereotypes persistently influence perceptions of strengths and weaknesses among men and women." This complexity adds depth to the argument. Additionally, the use of phrases like "While it is true that" and "Nevertheless" showcases the writer’s ability to connect ideas and contrast viewpoints. However, there are instances of less varied sentence beginnings, such as starting multiple sentences with "This situation also has happened with males," which could be more engaging with varied introductory phrases.
- How to improve: To further diversify sentence structures, the writer could incorporate more varied sentence openings and lengths. For example, instead of frequently starting sentences with "This," the writer could use participial phrases or adverbial clauses to create more complex and engaging sentences. Additionally, integrating more rhetorical questions or conditional clauses could enhance the dynamism of the writing.
Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:
- Detailed explanation: The essay generally maintains a high level of grammatical accuracy, with only a few minor errors. For example, the phrase "This situation also has happened with males" contains awkward phrasing; a more natural expression would be "The same situation has occurred for men." Additionally, there is a punctuation error in the sentence "men have also challenged stereotypes by excelling in traditionally female-dominated professions like nursing and primary education," where a comma before "like" could enhance clarity. Furthermore, the misspelling of "Furthermore" as "Furthemore" is a notable error that detracts from the overall professionalism of the essay.
- How to improve: To improve grammatical accuracy, the writer should carefully proofread the essay to catch typographical errors and awkward phrasing. Practicing sentence restructuring can also help in identifying more natural expressions. Additionally, focusing on punctuation rules, particularly regarding the use of commas in complex sentences, will enhance clarity and readability. Utilizing grammar-checking tools or seeking peer feedback can also aid in identifying and correcting minor errors before submission.

Bài sửa mẫu

In contemporary society, gender stereotypes continuously influence perceptions of strengths and weaknesses among men and women. The notion that certain professions are more suitable for one gender than another is a topic of ongoing debate. While it is true that biological differences can shape some aptitudes, I believe that it is unjustifiable to exclude individuals from professions solely based on gender.

Firstly, numerous studies demonstrate that both men and women are equally capable of performing well in a wide range of professions. Throughout history, women have encountered barriers in fields traditionally dominated by men, such as engineering and technology. Nevertheless, figures such as Ada Lovelace and modern female engineers have demonstrated exceptional competence and innovation in these areas. This phenomenon also applies to males; men have also challenged these stereotypes by excelling in traditionally female-dominated professions like nursing and primary education. Countries such as Sweden and Norway have witnessed a rise in male nurses, showcasing compassion and proficiency in caregiving roles traditionally associated with women. Their achievements highlight the fallacy of gender-based restrictions in professional settings.

Furthermore, excluding individuals from professions based solely on gender overlooks the diverse talents and abilities that both men and women bring to the workforce. Embracing diversity within professions not only fosters inclusivity but also enhances innovation and productivity. Diverse teams are known to produce more innovative solutions due to varied perspectives and experiences.

In conclusion, it is important to assess men and women equally on the basis of their talents and abilities in order to select the most suitable candidates for each position. This strategy not only promotes equality but also enhances overall productivity and creativity across a range of professions.