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The chart illustrates the female employment rates in the USA, France, Korea, and Afghanistan over a 20-year period from 1985 to 2005.

In the United States, the female employment rate increased steadily from 45% in 1985 to 65% in 2000. However, this trend reversed slightly in the subsequent five years, falling to 60% by 2005. Korea saw a consistent rise in female employment throughout the period, with the rate reaching 40% by 2005 and no recorded declines.

In contrast, Afghanistan's female employment rate rose to 40% by 1995, but then experienced a dramatic decline, falling to below 5% by 2005. This indicates a significant challenge for women in Afghanistan in securing employment.

France's female employment rate initially decreased slightly over the first five years, but then rose steadily to reach 55% by 2005.

Overall, by 2005, the USA and France had the highest female employment rates, while Afghanistan was the only country where the rate decreased over the period.

Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

"The chart illustrates" -> "The graph depicts"
Explanation: "Graph" is a more precise term than "chart" in academic contexts, and "depicts" is a more formal verb than "illustrates," enhancing the academic tone.
"female employment rates" -> "female labor participation rates"
Explanation: "Labor participation rates" is a more specific and formal term that is commonly used in economic and demographic analyses, aligning better with the academic style.
"over a 20-year period from 1985 to 2005" -> "over a 20-year span from 1985 to 2005"
Explanation: "Span" is a more formal synonym for "period," which adds a slight nuance of duration and continuity, fitting better in an academic context.
"the female employment rate increased steadily" -> "the female labor participation rate steadily increased"
Explanation: Replacing "employment rate" with "labor participation rate" provides a more precise and formal term, enhancing the academic tone.
"However, this trend reversed slightly" -> "However, this trend experienced a slight reversal"
Explanation: "Experienced a slight reversal" is a more formal and precise way to describe the change in direction, which is more suitable for academic writing.
"Korea saw a consistent rise" -> "Korea exhibited a consistent increase"
Explanation: "Exhibited" is a more formal verb that enhances the academic tone, and "increase" is a more precise term than "rise" in this context.
"the rate reaching 40% by 2005 and no recorded declines" -> "the rate reached 40% by 2005, with no recorded declines"
Explanation: Changing "reaching" to "reached" corrects the verb tense consistency, and adding a comma after "2005" improves the sentence structure for clarity and formality.
"This indicates a significant challenge" -> "This suggests a substantial challenge"
Explanation: "Suggests" is a more academically appropriate verb than "indicates" in this context, and "substantial" is a more precise adjective than "significant" in describing the challenge.
"France’s female employment rate initially decreased slightly" -> "France’s female labor participation rate initially decreased marginally"
Explanation: "Marginally" is a more precise term than "slightly," and "labor participation rate" is preferred over "employment rate" for consistency with earlier in the text.
"rose steadily to reach" -> "steadily increased to reach"
Explanation: "Increased" is a more direct and formal verb than "rose," which is slightly more colloquial.
"the USA and France had the highest female employment rates" -> "the USA and France exhibited the highest female labor participation rates"
Explanation: "Exhibited" is a more formal verb, and "labor participation rates" is a more precise term than "employment rates," aligning better with the academic style.

Band điểm Task Achivement ước lượng: 7

Band Score: 7

Explanation: The essay provides a clear overview of the main trends in female employment rates in the four countries. It also highlights key features, such as the steady increase in the USA and Korea, the dramatic decline in Afghanistan, and the initial decrease followed by a steady increase in France. However, the essay could be more fully extended by providing more specific details about the trends, such as the rate of increase or decrease in each country.

How to improve: The essay could be improved by providing more specific details about the trends in each country. For example, the essay could state that the female employment rate in the USA increased by 20% between 1985 and 2000, or that the rate in Afghanistan decreased by 35% between 1995 and 2005. This would make the essay more informative and engaging for the reader.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 7

Band Score: 7.0

Explanation: The essay logically organizes information and ideas, presenting a clear progression throughout the report. Each country is discussed in a structured manner, allowing the reader to follow the trends in female employment rates easily. The use of cohesive devices is appropriate, with phrases like "in contrast" and "overall" effectively linking ideas. However, there are instances where the cohesion could be improved, such as the transitions between the different countries, which may feel somewhat mechanical. Additionally, while each paragraph presents a clear central topic, the paragraphing could be more distinct, particularly in separating the discussion of trends from the overall conclusion.

How to improve: To enhance the coherence and cohesion of the essay, the writer could focus on varying the cohesive devices used to connect ideas and improve the flow between paragraphs. More explicit topic sentences at the beginning of each paragraph could help clarify the main idea being discussed. Additionally, ensuring that each paragraph transitions smoothly into the next would strengthen the overall progression of the report.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 7

Band Score: 7.0

Explanation: The essay demonstrates a sufficient range of vocabulary that allows for flexibility and precision in conveying information about the employment rates. The use of terms like "steadily," "dramatic decline," and "significant challenge" indicates an awareness of style and collocation. However, there are occasional errors in word choice and phrasing, such as "the trend reversed slightly," which could be better articulated. Additionally, while the vocabulary is adequate for the task, it does not showcase a wide range of less common lexical items, which is necessary for a higher band score.

How to improve: To enhance the lexical resource score, the writer should aim to incorporate a broader range of vocabulary, particularly less common and more sophisticated terms. Additionally, ensuring that word choices are precise and contextually appropriate will help to avoid inaccuracies. Practicing the use of varied sentence structures and collocations can also contribute to a more nuanced expression of ideas.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 7

Band Score: 7.0

Explanation: The essay demonstrates a variety of complex sentence structures and maintains a good level of grammatical control throughout. There are frequent error-free sentences, and while there are a few minor grammatical errors, they do not significantly impede communication. The use of comparative structures and clear organization of information contributes positively to the overall clarity of the report.

How to improve: To achieve a higher band score, the writer should focus on increasing the variety of grammatical structures used, particularly by incorporating more complex sentences and subordinate clauses. Additionally, minimizing any remaining errors and ensuring that all sentences are error-free would enhance the overall accuracy. Engaging with more sophisticated vocabulary and sentence structures could also elevate the essay’s quality.

Bài sửa mẫu

The chart illustrates the female employment rates in the USA, France, Korea, and Afghanistan over a 20-year period from 1985 to 2005.

In the United States, the female employment rate increased steadily from 45% in 1985 to 65% in 2000. However, this trend reversed slightly in the subsequent five years, declining to 60% by 2005. Korea experienced a consistent rise in female employment throughout the period, with the rate reaching 40% by 2005 and no recorded declines.

In contrast, Afghanistan’s female employment rate rose to 40% by 1995 but then experienced a dramatic decline, plummeting to below 5% by 2005. This indicates a significant challenge for women in Afghanistan in securing employment.

France’s female employment rate initially decreased slightly during the first five years but then rose steadily to reach 55% by 2005.

Overall, by 2005, the USA and France had the highest female employment rates, while Afghanistan was the only country where the rate declined over the period.