Write about the following topic: In some countries, owning a home rather than renting one is very important for people. Why might this be the case? Do you think this is a positive or negative situation? Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience. Write at least 250 words.
Write about the following topic:
In some countries, owning a home rather than renting one is very important for people.
Why might this be the case?
Do you think this is a positive or negative situation?
Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience.
Write at least 250 words.
In some countries, there is a belief that adults should own a house rather than rent it. While there are some differing perspectives on this statement, I think this trend can lead to many negative situations.
To start with, In traditional families, it is important for them to build a happy home, and owning a private house theoretically can ensure this happiness. To illustrate, in the past, when the prices and taxes were low, people could easily have the ability to pay fully for a house, some of them could even have a huge mansion. Furthermore, in some people's perceptions, private houses represented affluence and well-being. As a result, they started to encourage both themselves and subsequent generations to exert greater effort in working to buy a house. Additionally, some believe that if you want to settle down, it would be better to live in a rent-free house, especially with the elderly.
On the other hand, despite this conviction, owning a separate house has become more challenging and can lead to many unwanted consequences. First, unlike in the past, many workers now struggle with seeking jobs and dealing with severe unemployment. Therefore, buying a house or even renting one is a financial challenge for many individuals and families. If you are not rich enough, you will have to carry an enormous debt in order to purchase a house. Due to this substantial financial concern, the majority of the younger generation tends to rent an apartment or live with their parents. Moreover, it could be difficult for some people whose jobs require constant movement to own a permanent house.
In conclusion, owning a house is no longer a trend among the young generation. Furthermore, due to financial burdens, the shift has changed to renting apartments and small houses which are more convenient and meet the citizens' basic needs.
Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng
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"In some countries, there is a belief" -> "In certain nations, there exists a prevailing belief"
Explanation: "In certain nations" is more specific and formal than "In some countries," and "there exists a prevailing belief" enhances the academic tone by emphasizing the widespread nature of the belief. -
"adults should own a house rather than rent it" -> "adults should opt for homeownership over renting"
Explanation: "Opt for homeownership over renting" is more precise and formal, avoiding the simplistic and informal phrasing of "own a house rather than rent it." -
"this trend can lead to many negative situations" -> "this trend may result in numerous adverse consequences"
Explanation: "May result in numerous adverse consequences" is more formal and precise, replacing the vague "many negative situations." -
"To start with, In traditional families" -> "Initially, in traditional families"
Explanation: Removing the unnecessary comma after "To start with" corrects the punctuation error and "Initially" is a more formal transitional phrase. -
"it is important for them to build a happy home" -> "it is crucial for them to establish a happy home"
Explanation: "Crucial" is more emphatic and formal than "important," and "establish" is a more precise verb than "build" in this context. -
"owning a private house theoretically can ensure this happiness" -> "owning a private residence theoretically can guarantee this happiness"
Explanation: "Residence" is a more formal term than "house," and "guarantee" is stronger and more precise than "ensure" in this context. -
"some of them could even have a huge mansion" -> "some could even own a large mansion"
Explanation: "Own" is more appropriate than "have" in this context, and "large" is more formal than "huge." -
"private houses represented affluence and well-being" -> "private residences symbolized affluence and well-being"
Explanation: "Residences" is more formal than "houses," and "symbolized" is more precise than "represented" in this context. -
"some believe that if you want to settle down, it would be better to live in a rent-free house" -> "some argue that if one seeks to settle, it is preferable to reside in a rent-free residence"
Explanation: "Argue" is more formal than "believe," and "reside" is more formal than "live." Also, "one seeks to settle" is more formal than "you want to settle down." -
"despite this conviction, owning a separate house has become more challenging" -> "despite this conviction, acquiring a separate residence has become increasingly challenging"
Explanation: "Acquiring" is more precise than "owning" in this context, and "increasingly" is more formal than "more." -
"many workers now struggle with seeking jobs and dealing with severe unemployment" -> "many workers currently face challenges in securing employment and coping with severe unemployment"
Explanation: "Face challenges in securing employment" is more formal and precise than "struggle with seeking jobs." -
"If you are not rich enough, you will have to carry an enormous debt" -> "If one is not financially affluent, one may incur substantial debt"
Explanation: "Financially affluent" is more formal than "rich enough," and "may incur substantial debt" is more precise and less colloquial than "have to carry an enormous debt." -
"the majority of the younger generation tends to rent an apartment or live with their parents" -> "the majority of the younger generation tends to opt for renting apartments or residing with their parents"
Explanation: "Opt for renting apartments" and "residing with their parents" are more formal and precise than "rent an apartment" and "live with their parents." -
"it could be difficult for some people whose jobs require constant movement to own a permanent house" -> "it may be challenging for individuals whose occupations necessitate frequent relocation to secure permanent housing"
Explanation: "May be challenging" is more formal than "could be difficult," and "necessitate frequent relocation" is more precise than "require constant movement."
Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 7
Band Score for Task Response: 7
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Answer All Parts of the Question:
- Detailed explanation: The essay effectively addresses both parts of the prompt. It discusses why owning a home is important in some cultures, citing traditional family values and societal perceptions of affluence. The second part of the question, which asks for the writer’s opinion on whether this situation is positive or negative, is also addressed, with a clear stance on the negative aspects of home ownership in the current economic climate. However, the essay could benefit from a more balanced exploration of both sides of the argument, particularly the potential benefits of home ownership.
- How to improve: To enhance the response, the writer should include a more explicit discussion of the positive aspects of owning a home, such as stability and investment potential. This would provide a more comprehensive view of the topic and demonstrate a deeper engagement with the prompt.
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Present a Clear Position Throughout:
- Detailed explanation: The essay maintains a clear position against the trend of home ownership, emphasizing the financial burdens it can impose on individuals and families. The writer consistently supports this viewpoint throughout the essay. However, the introduction could be clearer in stating the position, as it initially presents the idea of differing perspectives without firmly establishing the writer’s stance until later.
- How to improve: To improve clarity, the introduction should explicitly state the writer’s position on the issue from the outset. This could be done by rephrasing the opening sentence to clearly indicate that the writer believes the trend of prioritizing home ownership is negative.
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Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents several ideas regarding the challenges of home ownership, such as financial burdens and job mobility. These ideas are generally well-supported with examples, such as the mention of unemployment and the financial difficulties faced by younger generations. However, some points could be further developed. For instance, the mention of societal pressures to own a home could be expanded with more specific examples or statistics to strengthen the argument.
- How to improve: To enhance the development of ideas, the writer should aim to provide more detailed examples and elaboration on key points. Incorporating relevant statistics or real-life examples would add depth to the arguments and make them more persuasive.
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Stay on Topic:
- Detailed explanation: The essay largely stays on topic, focusing on the reasons behind the importance of home ownership and the implications of this trend. However, there are moments where the discussion could be more tightly aligned with the prompt. For example, the mention of "living with their parents" could be better connected to the overall argument about the shift from ownership to renting.
- How to improve: To maintain focus, the writer should ensure that all points made directly relate back to the prompt. This can be achieved by explicitly linking each argument to the central themes of home ownership versus renting, reinforcing the relevance of each point to the overall discussion.
In summary, while the essay demonstrates a solid understanding of the task and presents a clear argument, there are opportunities for improvement in terms of depth, clarity, and balance. By addressing these areas, the writer can enhance the overall effectiveness of their response.
Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 7
Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 7
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Organize Information Logically:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents a clear argument regarding the importance of home ownership versus renting. The introduction effectively sets up the discussion, and the body paragraphs are organized to present both sides of the argument. For example, the first body paragraph discusses the perceived benefits of home ownership, while the second body paragraph addresses the challenges associated with it. However, the transition between ideas could be smoother; for instance, the shift from discussing traditional family values to the financial implications could be more clearly delineated.
- How to improve: To enhance logical flow, consider using clearer topic sentences at the beginning of each paragraph that directly relate to the main argument. Additionally, employing transitional phrases such as "On the contrary" or "In contrast" can help clarify shifts in perspective and improve the overall coherence of the essay.
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Use Paragraphs:
- Detailed explanation: The essay effectively uses paragraphs to separate different ideas, which aids readability. Each paragraph addresses a distinct aspect of the argument, contributing to the overall structure. However, the paragraphs could be more balanced in length and depth. The first body paragraph is somewhat longer and more detailed than the second, which may lead to an imbalance in the discussion.
- How to improve: Ensure that each paragraph is roughly equal in length and depth of analysis. This can be achieved by expanding on the points made in the second body paragraph, perhaps by providing additional examples or elaborating on the consequences of financial burdens related to home ownership.
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Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a reasonable use of cohesive devices, such as "To start with," "Furthermore," and "On the other hand," which help guide the reader through the argument. However, the range of cohesive devices is somewhat limited, and there are instances where the connections between sentences could be strengthened. For example, the phrase "As a result" is used effectively, but more varied devices could enhance the flow.
- How to improve: To diversify the use of cohesive devices, incorporate a wider range of linking words and phrases, such as "In addition," "Consequently," or "Nevertheless." This will not only improve the flow of ideas but also demonstrate a more sophisticated command of language. Additionally, consider using pronouns and synonyms to refer back to previously mentioned ideas, which can help create a more cohesive narrative throughout the essay.
Overall, while the essay achieves a solid level of coherence and cohesion, focusing on the suggestions above will help elevate the writing to a higher band score.
Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6
Band Score for Lexical Resource: 6
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Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a moderate range of vocabulary, with some effective phrases such as "financial challenge," "substantial financial concern," and "affluence and well-being." However, the vocabulary is somewhat repetitive, particularly in the use of "house" and "rent." For example, the phrase "owning a private house" is used multiple times, which could be varied with synonyms like "property" or "residence."
- How to improve: To enhance the range of vocabulary, the writer should incorporate synonyms and related terms. For instance, instead of repeatedly using "house," they could use "home," "property," or "dwelling." Additionally, using more descriptive adjectives or adverbs could add depth to the writing, such as "luxurious mansion" or "affordable housing."
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Use Vocabulary Precisely:
- Detailed explanation: While the essay contains some precise vocabulary, there are instances of imprecise usage. For example, the phrase "the majority of the younger generation tends to rent an apartment or live with their parents" could be more specific. The term "younger generation" is vague and could be replaced with a more defined age range, such as "young adults aged 18 to 30." Additionally, the phrase "can lead to many unwanted consequences" lacks specificity regarding what those consequences are.
- How to improve: To improve precision, the writer should aim to provide clearer definitions and context for their terms. Instead of general phrases, they could specify what "unwanted consequences" might entail, such as "financial instability" or "limited mobility." This would enhance clarity and make the argument more compelling.
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Use Correct Spelling:
- Detailed explanation: The essay generally demonstrates good spelling, with only a few minor errors. For instance, "In traditional families" should not have a capital "I" at the beginning of the sentence. Additionally, the phrase "the ability to pay fully for a house" is slightly awkward and could be rephrased for clarity, but it does not contain spelling errors.
- How to improve: To enhance spelling accuracy, the writer should proofread their work more thoroughly, focusing on capitalization rules and ensuring that all sentences begin correctly. Utilizing spell-check tools or reading the essay aloud can help catch these minor errors before submission.
Overall, the essay reflects a solid understanding of the topic but would benefit from a broader vocabulary range, more precise language, and careful attention to spelling and grammar. By implementing these suggestions, the writer can improve their Lexical Resource score in future essays.
Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 7
Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 7
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Use a Wide Range of Structures:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a good variety of sentence structures, including simple, compound, and complex sentences. For example, the use of introductory phrases such as "To start with" and "On the other hand" effectively organizes the ideas. The sentence "To illustrate, in the past, when the prices and taxes were low, people could easily have the ability to pay fully for a house" showcases a complex structure that combines clauses effectively. However, there are instances of repetitive sentence beginnings and a lack of more sophisticated structures, such as inversion or varied clause placements.
- How to improve: To enhance the range of structures, the writer could incorporate more varied sentence openings and experiment with different grammatical forms. For instance, using participial phrases or conditional clauses could add complexity. Additionally, varying the length of sentences can create a more engaging rhythm in the writing.
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Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:
- Detailed explanation: Overall, the essay maintains a good level of grammatical accuracy, but there are some notable errors. For example, the phrase "In traditional families, it is important for them to build a happy home" could be more concisely stated as "In traditional families, building a happy home is important." Additionally, the sentence "To illustrate, in the past, when the prices and taxes were low, people could easily have the ability to pay fully for a house" is somewhat awkward and could be simplified for clarity. Punctuation is generally correct, but there are instances, such as the unnecessary capitalization of "In" at the beginning of the second sentence, which detracts from the overall professionalism of the essay.
- How to improve: To improve grammatical accuracy, the writer should focus on proofreading for common errors such as unnecessary capitalization and awkward phrasing. Practicing sentence restructuring can help clarify ideas and enhance readability. Furthermore, using grammar-checking tools or seeking feedback from peers can assist in identifying and correcting mistakes before finalizing the essay.
In summary, while the essay demonstrates a solid understanding of grammatical range and accuracy, there are opportunities for improvement in diversifying sentence structures and refining grammatical precision. By focusing on these areas, the writer can aim for a higher band score in future essays.
Bài sửa mẫu
In some countries, there exists a belief that adults should own a house rather than rent it. While there are some differing perspectives on this statement, I think this trend can lead to many negative situations.
To start with, in traditional families, it is important for them to build a happy home, and owning a private house theoretically can ensure this happiness. To illustrate, in the past, when prices and taxes were low, people could easily afford to pay fully for a house; some could even own a huge mansion. Furthermore, in some people’s perceptions, private houses symbolize affluence and well-being. As a result, they started to encourage both themselves and subsequent generations to exert greater effort in working to buy a house. Additionally, some believe that if one seeks to settle down, it would be better to live in a rent-free house, especially with the elderly.
On the other hand, despite this conviction, owning a separate house has become more challenging and can lead to many unwanted consequences. First, unlike in the past, many workers now struggle with securing jobs and dealing with severe unemployment. Therefore, buying a house or even renting one is a financial challenge for many individuals and families. If one is not financially affluent, one may incur substantial debt in order to purchase a house. Due to this substantial financial concern, the majority of the younger generation tends to rent apartments or live with their parents. Moreover, it may be difficult for some people whose jobs require constant relocation to own a permanent house.
In conclusion, owning a house is no longer a trend among the younger generation. Furthermore, due to financial burdens, the shift has changed to renting apartments and small houses, which are more convenient and meet the citizens’ basic needs.
