Write about the following topic: Social media is becoming more and more popular with young people these days. Why do you think this is? What are the advantages and disadvantages of social media for young people? Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience. You should spend 40 minutes on this task.
Write about the following topic:
Social media is becoming more and more popular with young people these days.
Why do you think this is? What are the advantages and disadvantages of social media for young people?
Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience.
You should spend 40 minutes on this task.
There is a growing concern about social media is become more common with teenagers in today's world bring out a negative development. In my opinion, I strongly believe that the detrimental effect of using social media nowadays ouweigh of advantages.
On the one hand, one of the significant benefit lead to rapid growth of people who tend to use social is an individual able to get in touch with person across the world. To illustrate this, number of adolescents often chatting with their friends through social for various reasons such as study and work, which more convinient rather than using phone boots as we used to do in the past. Moreover, social media, where adolescents easier to seek a new friend through an app that can match person who have same ideas, hobbies and personality that we registered before.
On the flip side, excessive use of technology have strongly linked with health problems such as sedetary life and short-sighted, especially in today. According to a newspaper demonstrates that an dramatically increasing of short-sighted in early age due to exposure technology for a long time. Furthermore, teenagers have a habit to chat with friend online put them at a high risk of forget how to talk with people in reality, as a result, they can feel isolation even among people.
To wrap it all up, technology advanments enables an individual to connect with their friend all over the world and have a new friend through social media. However, social media hide different risks such as health problem, lack of social skill and losing private life on the internet.
Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng
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"social media is become more common" -> "social media has become more prevalent"
Explanation: "Has become" is the correct verb form, and "more prevalent" is a more formal and precise term than "more common" in academic writing. -
"bring out a negative development" -> "yield a negative impact"
Explanation: "Yield" is more precise and formal than "bring out," and "impact" is a more specific term than "development" in this context. -
"I strongly believe" -> "I firmly believe"
Explanation: "Firmly" is a more academic and formal adverb than "strongly," which can sound slightly colloquial. -
"ouweigh of advantages" -> "outweigh the advantages"
Explanation: "Outweigh" is the correct spelling, and "the" is necessary to specify the noun phrase "advantages." -
"significant benefit lead to rapid growth" -> "significant benefits lead to rapid growth"
Explanation: "Benefits" should be plural to match the plural verb "lead." -
"an individual able to get in touch with person" -> "individuals can get in touch with others"
Explanation: "Individuals" should be plural to match the context, and "others" is a more formal alternative to "person." -
"number of adolescents often chatting" -> "many adolescents frequently chat"
Explanation: "Many" is more precise than "number of," and "frequently" is more formal than "often." Also, "chat" should be in the present tense to match the context. -
"more convinient" -> "more convenient"
Explanation: "Convenient" is the correct spelling. -
"using phone boots" -> "using phone booths"
Explanation: "Boots" is likely a typographical error; "booths" is the correct term for phone kiosks. -
"social media, where adolescents easier to seek" -> "social media, where adolescents can more easily seek"
Explanation: "Can more easily" is grammatically correct and more formal than "easier to seek." -
"an app that can match person" -> "an app that matches people"
Explanation: "Matches" should be in the present tense, and "people" is the correct plural form. -
"we registered before" -> "we registered previously"
Explanation: "Previously" is more formal and appropriate in academic writing than "before." -
"excessive use of technology have strongly linked with health problems" -> "excessive use of technology is strongly linked to health problems"
Explanation: "Is" is the correct linking verb, and "to" is the correct preposition for linking "technology" to "health problems." -
"an dramatically increasing of short-sighted" -> "a dramatic increase in short-sightedness"
Explanation: "A dramatic increase in" is grammatically correct and more precise, and "short-sightedness" is the correct noun form. -
"put them at a high risk of forget" -> "puts them at a high risk of forgetting"
Explanation: "Puts" agrees with the singular subject "forget," and "forgetting" is the gerund form needed here. -
"technology advanments" -> "technological advancements"
Explanation: "Advancements" should be hyphenated as "advancements" for grammatical correctness and clarity. -
"hide different risks" -> "pose different risks"
Explanation: "Pose" is the correct verb to indicate the risks associated with social media, rather than "hide," which incorrectly implies concealment.
Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 7
Band Score for Task Response: 7
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Answer All Parts of the Question:
- Detailed explanation: The essay addresses both parts of the prompt by discussing the reasons for the popularity of social media among young people and outlining its advantages and disadvantages. The author mentions the ability to connect with others and the ease of finding new friends as benefits, while also highlighting health issues and social isolation as disadvantages. However, the explanation of the reasons for popularity is somewhat underdeveloped, lacking depth and specific examples.
- How to improve: To enhance the response, the writer should provide more detailed explanations and examples for each point made. For instance, elaborating on how social media facilitates communication or providing statistics on its usage among teens could strengthen the argument. Additionally, ensuring that each part of the question is clearly addressed with balanced attention would improve the overall completeness of the response.
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Present a Clear Position Throughout:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents a clear position that the negative effects of social media outweigh its advantages. This stance is stated in the introduction and reiterated in the conclusion. However, the argument could be more consistently supported throughout the essay, as some points appear to contradict the main position, particularly when discussing the benefits of social media without adequately linking them back to the overarching argument.
- How to improve: To maintain a clear position, the writer should consistently relate each point back to the thesis statement. For example, when discussing the benefits, they could also mention potential drawbacks or limitations of those benefits to reinforce the negative impact. Using transitional phrases to connect ideas back to the main argument would also help in maintaining clarity.
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Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents several ideas related to social media’s impact on young people, including the ability to connect with others and the risks of health issues and social isolation. However, the development of these ideas is often superficial. For example, the mention of "excessive use of technology" lacks specific examples or evidence to support the claim.
- How to improve: To improve the presentation and support of ideas, the writer should aim to provide more detailed explanations and examples. Incorporating data, studies, or personal anecdotes could help substantiate claims. Additionally, expanding on each point with further analysis would enhance the depth of the discussion.
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Stay on Topic:
- Detailed explanation: The essay generally stays on topic, focusing on the effects of social media on young people. However, there are moments where the focus could be sharpened, particularly in the discussion of benefits, which sometimes veers into general observations rather than directly addressing the prompt.
- How to improve: To maintain focus, the writer should ensure that every point made directly relates to the prompt. This can be achieved by regularly referring back to the question and ensuring that each paragraph has a clear topic sentence that aligns with the main argument. Additionally, avoiding overly broad statements and instead providing specific examples related to young people’s experiences with social media would help keep the essay on track.
In summary, while the essay demonstrates a good understanding of the topic and presents a clear position, it would benefit from deeper analysis, more specific examples, and a stronger connection between ideas and the overall argument. By addressing these areas, the writer can work towards achieving a higher band score in Task Response.
Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 6
Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 6
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Organize Information Logically:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents ideas in a generally logical manner, with a clear distinction between the advantages and disadvantages of social media. However, the introduction lacks clarity and coherence, particularly in the phrasing "growing concern about social media is become more common," which creates confusion. The transition between points is sometimes abrupt, making it difficult for the reader to follow the argument smoothly.
- How to improve: To enhance logical organization, the introduction should clearly outline the main points that will be discussed. Using a more structured approach, such as stating the advantages first followed by the disadvantages, or vice versa, can help. Additionally, employing transitional phrases (e.g., "Firstly," "On the other hand," "In conclusion") can guide the reader through the argument more effectively.
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Use Paragraphs:
- Detailed explanation: The essay uses paragraphs to separate ideas, which is a positive aspect. However, the paragraphs themselves are not well-developed. For instance, the first paragraph mixes the introduction with the main argument without a clear topic sentence, and the second paragraph contains multiple ideas that could be better organized into separate sentences or even paragraphs.
- How to improve: Each paragraph should begin with a clear topic sentence that indicates the main idea. For example, the first paragraph could start with a sentence like, "One of the primary advantages of social media is its ability to connect individuals globally." This would provide a clear focus for the paragraph. Additionally, ensuring that each paragraph contains a single main idea supported by examples will improve clarity and coherence.
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Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:
- Detailed explanation: The essay attempts to use cohesive devices, such as "On the one hand" and "On the flip side," which are effective in signaling contrasting points. However, there is a limited range of cohesive devices used throughout the essay. Phrases like "Moreover" and "Furthermore" are present, but the overall use of linking words and phrases is repetitive and lacks variety.
- How to improve: To diversify the use of cohesive devices, the writer should incorporate a wider range of linking words and phrases. For instance, instead of repeatedly using "Moreover," alternatives like "Additionally," "In addition," or "Furthermore" can be employed. Additionally, using pronouns and synonyms to refer back to previously mentioned ideas can enhance cohesion. For example, instead of repeating "social media," the writer could use "this platform" or "such applications" to maintain flow and avoid redundancy.
By addressing these areas, the essay can achieve a higher band score in Coherence and Cohesion, ultimately leading to a more effective and persuasive argument.
Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6
Band Score for Lexical Resource: 6
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Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a moderate range of vocabulary, with some attempts to use more complex terms such as "detrimental effect," "sedentary life," and "isolation." However, there are instances of repetition and a lack of variety in word choice, particularly in phrases like "social media" and "friends." For example, the phrase "get in touch with person across the world" could have been varied with synonyms like "connect with individuals globally."
- How to improve: To enhance vocabulary range, the writer should incorporate synonyms and related terms throughout the essay. For instance, instead of repeatedly using "social media," alternatives like "digital platforms" or "online networks" could be employed. Additionally, using more descriptive adjectives and adverbs can enrich the writing.
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Use Vocabulary Precisely:
- Detailed explanation: There are several instances of imprecise vocabulary usage that affect clarity. For example, the phrase "the detrimental effect of using social media nowadays outweigh of advantages" should be corrected to "outweigh the advantages." The term "individual" is used inappropriately when it should refer to "individuals" or "people," which can confuse the reader.
- How to improve: To improve precision, the writer should focus on ensuring that verbs agree with their subjects and that phrases are grammatically correct. A careful proofreading of the essay for grammatical structures will help. Additionally, using contextually appropriate phrases will enhance clarity, such as changing "put them at a high risk of forget how to talk" to "put them at a high risk of forgetting how to communicate."
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Use Correct Spelling:
- Detailed explanation: The essay contains several spelling errors that detract from the overall quality. Words such as "ouweigh" (should be "outweigh"), "convenient" (spelled as "convinient"), and "advanments" (should be "advancements") indicate a need for attention to detail in spelling. These errors can confuse readers and undermine the writer’s credibility.
- How to improve: To enhance spelling accuracy, the writer should engage in regular practice, such as using spelling apps or tools that highlight errors. Additionally, reading more extensively can help reinforce correct spelling through exposure to well-written texts. Finally, proofreading the essay multiple times or using spell-check tools before submission can catch these mistakes.
By addressing these areas, the writer can improve their Lexical Resource score and overall essay quality.
Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 5
Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 5
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Use a Wide Range of Structures:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a limited variety of sentence structures. For instance, many sentences are simple or compound but lack complex structures. Phrases such as "I strongly believe that the detrimental effect of using social media nowadays ouweigh of advantages" and "one of the significant benefit lead to rapid growth of people" reflect a tendency to rely on straightforward constructions. The use of phrases like "On the one hand" and "On the flip side" indicates an attempt to structure the argument, but the overall complexity is lacking.
- How to improve: To enhance the range of structures, the writer should incorporate more complex sentences, such as those that use subordinate clauses or varied conjunctions. For example, instead of saying "which more convinient rather than using phone boots," the writer could say, "which is more convenient than using phone booths, allowing for quicker communication." Practicing the use of relative clauses, conditional sentences, and varied sentence openings can also help diversify the writing style.
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Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:
- Detailed explanation: The essay contains several grammatical errors and punctuation issues that hinder clarity. For example, "social media is become more common" should be corrected to "social media is becoming more common." Additionally, "the detrimental effect of using social media nowadays ouweigh of advantages" contains a spelling error ("ouweigh" should be "outweigh") and a grammatical error (it should be "outweighs the advantages"). The phrase "excessive use of technology have strongly linked" should be "has been strongly linked" to maintain subject-verb agreement. Furthermore, punctuation errors, such as missing commas, detract from the overall readability.
- How to improve: To improve grammatical accuracy, the writer should focus on subject-verb agreement, verb tenses, and proper use of articles. Regular practice with grammar exercises and proofreading can help identify and correct these errors. Additionally, reviewing punctuation rules, particularly for complex sentences, will enhance clarity. For example, using commas to separate clauses can improve sentence flow, as in "According to a newspaper, there is a dramatically increasing rate of short-sightedness among young people due to prolonged exposure to technology."
In summary, while the essay addresses the prompt and presents a clear argument, significant improvements in grammatical range and accuracy are necessary to achieve a higher band score. Focusing on sentence variety and correcting grammatical and punctuation errors will greatly enhance the overall quality of the writing.
Bài sửa mẫu
There is a growing concern about social media becoming more common among teenagers in today’s world, bringing about negative developments. In my opinion, I firmly believe that the detrimental effects of using social media nowadays outweigh the advantages.
On the one hand, one of the significant benefits leading to the rapid growth of people who tend to use social media is that individuals can get in touch with others across the world. To illustrate this, the number of adolescents frequently chatting with their friends through social media is increasing for various reasons such as study and work, which is more convenient than using phone booths as we used to do in the past. Moreover, social media allows adolescents to more easily seek new friends through an app that matches people who have the same ideas, hobbies, and personalities that we registered previously.
On the flip side, excessive use of technology is strongly linked to health problems such as a sedentary lifestyle and short-sightedness, especially today. According to a newspaper, there is a dramatic increase in short-sightedness at an early age due to prolonged exposure to technology. Furthermore, teenagers have a habit of chatting with friends online, which puts them at a high risk of forgetting how to talk with people in reality. As a result, they can feel isolated even among others.
To wrap it all up, technological advancements enable individuals to connect with their friends all over the world and make new friends through social media. However, social media poses different risks such as health problems, a lack of social skills, and the loss of privacy on the internet.
