write an argument essay for the topic: “The young study abroad”

write an argument essay for the topic: "The young study abroad"

I think it's good to working abroad when you are young because you can learn many things such as language, tradition, and skill. If some countries have technique develop, you can learn that technique. Also, you can spread your country tradition or culture. In my opinion, it's the best way to learn different. I think good students working and learning abroad so there are no more helpful people in country.

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Errors and Improvements:

1. "it’s good to working abroad" -> "it’s beneficial to work abroad"
   Explanation: "Working abroad" is more commonly phrased as "work abroad" in academic writing. "Beneficial" is a more formal and precise term than "good."

2. "because you can learn many things such as language, tradition, and skill" -> "since you can acquire various elements such as language, tradition, and skills"
   Explanation: "Learn many things" is overly simplistic. "Acquire various elements" is a more academic phrase. "Skill" should be pluralized as "skills."

3. "If some countries have technique develop" -> "If some countries have advanced techniques"
   Explanation: "Technique develop" is incorrect; "advanced techniques" is a more precise and formal term.

4. "you can spread your country tradition or culture" -> "you can promote your country’s traditions and culture"
   Explanation: "Spread" is informal; "promote" is more appropriate. Use of the possessive form "country’s" is more formal than "your country."

5. "In my opinion, it’s the best way to learn different." -> "In my opinion, it’s the best way to experience diversity."
   Explanation: "Learn different" is not idiomatic. "Experience diversity" is a more formal and suitable phrase.

6. "I think good students working and learning abroad so there are no more helpful people in country." -> "I believe that students who work and study abroad can be more valuable contributors to their home country."
   Explanation: The original sentence lacks clarity and is not grammatically correct. "Good students" is informal; "valuable contributors" is more precise. "No more helpful people in country" is unclear and not idiomatic.

By making these improvements, the essay gains a more formal and academic tone, while maintaining clarity and precision in the expression of ideas.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 5

Band Score for Task Response: 5 – UNDER WORD

• Answer All Parts of the Question:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay attempts to address the prompt by discussing the benefits of studying abroad for young individuals. It mentions learning language, tradition, and skills, as well as the opportunity to acquire advanced techniques and share one’s own culture. However, the essay lacks depth in addressing each part of the question comprehensively. For instance, it could have elaborated more on specific benefits and provided examples or personal experiences to support the argument.
  • How to improve: To improve, the essay should thoroughly analyze each aspect of the prompt and provide detailed examples or explanations for each point made. Including personal anecdotes or research findings can enhance the depth of the argument.

• Present a Clear Position Throughout:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay’s position, advocating for young individuals to study abroad, is evident throughout the essay. However, the expression of this position is somewhat vague and lacks strong conviction. The language used suggests a tentative stance rather than a firm belief.
  • How to improve: To present a clearer position, the essay should use more assertive language to express the viewpoint. Additionally, providing stronger reasoning and evidence to support the argument can bolster the clarity and conviction of the position.

• Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay presents ideas about the benefits of studying abroad but lacks sufficient elaboration and support. It briefly mentions learning language, tradition, and skills without delving into specific examples or providing in-depth analysis. Moreover, there is minimal extension of ideas beyond surface-level observations.
  • How to improve: To enhance the presentation of ideas, the essay should expand on each point made by providing detailed examples, explanations, and possibly counterarguments. Additionally, linking ideas together cohesively can improve the flow and coherence of the essay.

• Stay on Topic:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay generally stays on topic by discussing the advantages of studying abroad for young individuals. However, there are moments of ambiguity and lack of focus, such as the mention of "technique develop" without clear context or relevance.
  • How to improve: To maintain focus, the essay should ensure that every point made directly relates to the topic of studying abroad. Avoiding tangential discussions and ensuring clarity in expression can help in staying on topic effectively.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 5

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 5

• Organize Information Logically:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a basic organizational structure with a clear introduction, body, and conclusion. The introduction introduces the topic of studying abroad and its benefits. The body paragraphs discuss learning language, tradition, and skills, as well as spreading culture. The conclusion summarizes the main points.

  • The introduction sets up the essay by stating the benefits of studying abroad.

  • Body paragraphs address different aspects of studying abroad: language, tradition, skills, and cultural exchange.

  • Conclusion restates the author’s opinion on the topic.

  • How to improve: To enhance logical flow, ensure each body paragraph focuses on a single aspect (language, tradition, skills) with clear topic sentences. Use transitions to connect ideas between paragraphs, providing a smoother progression from one point to the next.

• Use Paragraphs:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay is divided into three paragraphs: introduction, body, and conclusion. However, within the body paragraph, ideas could be more effectively segmented into separate paragraphs to improve clarity and organization.

  • Each paragraph covers a distinct part of the argument: benefits of studying abroad, specific skills and traditions.

  • Within the body paragraph, separate ideas such as learning skills and spreading culture could be better delineated into distinct paragraphs.

  • How to improve: Consider breaking down the body paragraph into two or more paragraphs. For instance, dedicate one paragraph to discussing the skills gained abroad and another to the cultural exchange aspect. This separation will provide clearer structure and make the essay easier to follow.

• Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay uses basic cohesive devices such as "because," "also," "so," and "in my opinion." These help to connect ideas within sentences and between paragraphs.

  • Examples include: "because you can learn many things," "also, you can spread your country tradition," and "in my opinion, it’s the best way to learn different."

  • These devices contribute to the coherence by linking ideas logically.

  • How to improve: Expand the range of cohesive devices by incorporating more sophisticated transitions such as "furthermore," "moreover," "however," and "on the other hand." This will enrich the essay’s coherence and cohesion, creating a more nuanced connection between ideas.

Overall, while the essay effectively communicates the benefits of studying abroad, enhancing paragraph organization and incorporating a wider variety of cohesive devices will strengthen its coherence and cohesion. These improvements will ensure a more structured and cohesive argument, aligning it more closely with the criteria for a higher band score.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 5

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 5

• Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a reasonable range of vocabulary by incorporating terms such as "technique develop," "tradition," "culture," "working abroad," and "learn different." However, there is a scope for enhancing lexical diversity further. For instance, synonyms or variations of phrases like "working abroad" or "learn different" could have been utilized to enrich the vocabulary.
  • How to improve: To improve the range of vocabulary, the writer can incorporate synonyms, idiomatic expressions, or more specific terminology related to the topic. For instance, instead of repeatedly using "working abroad," phrases like "pursuing international opportunities" or "engaging in cross-border employment" could be employed. Additionally, varying sentence structures and introducing specialized terms related to language learning, cultural exchange, or professional development would enhance the lexical richness of the essay.

• Use Vocabulary Precisely:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay tends to use vocabulary with general precision. However, there are instances where clarity could be improved. For example, the phrase "technique develop" lacks specificity. Additionally, the expression "spread your country tradition or culture" could be refined for clarity and precision.
  • How to improve: To enhance precision in vocabulary usage, the writer should aim for clarity and specificity. Instead of "technique develop," specifying the type of technique or the field of expertise being referred to would provide a clearer understanding for the reader. Similarly, instead of "spread your country tradition or culture," the writer could specify the methods or channels through which cultural exchange occurs, such as "promoting national heritage through cultural events" or "advocating for cultural diplomacy."

• Use Correct Spelling:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay exhibits a few spelling errors, such as "working" instead of "work" in "I think it’s good to working abroad," and "there are no more helpful people in country" should be revised to "there are no more helpful people in the country." While these errors do not significantly hinder comprehension, they indicate a need for improved spelling accuracy.
  • How to improve: To enhance spelling accuracy, the writer should consider proofreading the essay carefully before submission. Utilizing spelling and grammar checking tools or seeking feedback from peers or instructors can also help identify and correct spelling errors effectively. Additionally, dedicating some time to review common spelling rules and practicing spellings of frequently used words can contribute to better spelling proficiency over time.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 5

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 5

• Use a Wide Range of Structures:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a basic range of sentence structures, primarily utilizing simple sentences. However, it lacks variety in sentence structure, relying heavily on subject-verb-object constructions. There are no complex or compound-complex sentences present.
  • How to improve: To enhance the grammatical range and effectiveness of the essay, incorporate a variety of sentence structures. Introduce complex sentences with dependent clauses to add depth and complexity to your arguments. For example, instead of solely using simple sentences like "I think it’s good to working abroad when you are young," consider adding complexity by writing, "Young individuals benefit greatly from working abroad due to the opportunities it provides for language acquisition, cultural immersion, and skill development."

• Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay exhibits several grammatical errors and inaccuracies throughout. For instance, there are issues with subject-verb agreement ("I think it’s good to working abroad"), article usage ("it’s the best way to learn different"), and tense consistency ("good students working and learning abroad"). Additionally, punctuation errors, such as missing commas and incorrect apostrophe placement, are noticeable ("I think it’s good to working abroad when you are young because you can learn many things such as language, tradition, and skill.").
  • How to improve: To improve grammatical accuracy, carefully review and revise your writing for common errors. Pay close attention to subject-verb agreement, ensuring that verbs match their subjects in number and tense. Use articles (‘a’, ‘an’, ‘the’) appropriately to provide clarity and precision in your writing. Practice proper punctuation usage, including commas for clarity and coherence within sentences. For instance, revise the sentence "I think it’s good to working abroad when you are young because you can learn many things such as language, tradition, and skill." to "I believe it’s beneficial to work abroad when you are young because it offers opportunities to learn language, tradition, and skills."

Bài sửa mẫu

Working abroad can be highly beneficial for young individuals, as it provides ample opportunities for learning various aspects such as language, tradition, and skill development. If certain countries have advanced techniques, there’s a great potential to acquire and implement them. Moreover, one can also play a role in promoting their own country’s traditions and culture on a global platform. In my opinion, it’s the optimal approach to experiencing diversity firsthand. I firmly believe that students who work and study abroad can become invaluable assets to their home country, bringing back not just knowledge but also a broader perspective that can contribute positively to their communities.