Write an essay of about 250 words to express your opinion on the following topic: It is the responsibility of schools to teach children good behaviour in addition to providing formal education. Do you agree or disagree?

Write an essay of about 250 words to express your opinion on the following topic:
It is the responsibility of schools to teach children good behaviour in addition to providing formal education. Do you agree or disagree?

I agree that it is the responsibility of schools to teach children good behavior in addition to providing formal education. Schools are not just places where children learn academic subjects; they are also environments where young minds are shaped, and character development takes place. While formal education is essential for cognitive growth, learning good behavior is crucial for building a well-rounded individual who can thrive in society.

One of the primary reasons why schools should teach good behavior is that children spend a significant amount of time there. During these formative years, they interact with peers and teachers, making it an ideal environment for learning social skills, respect, and empathy. When schools incorporate values such as kindness, cooperation, and respect into their curriculum, they help students develop a strong moral foundation.

Moreover, teaching good behavior in schools complements the efforts made by parents at home. In many cases, parents may not have the time or resources to focus on every aspect of their child's moral development. Schools can provide structured lessons on good behavior, such as conflict resolution, teamwork, and responsibility. This helps create a consistent message between home and school, reinforcing the importance of positive behavior.

In conclusion, the responsibility of teaching good behavior should not rest solely on parents. Schools play a vital role in shaping the next generation, and by teaching children how to behave well, they prepare them for success not only academically but also as responsible, compassionate members of society.

Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

1. "I agree" -> "It is my opinion"
   Explanation: "It is my opinion" is a more formal and academically appropriate way to express personal agreement in an essay, aligning better with the formal tone expected in academic writing.

2. "good behavior" -> "proper behavior"
   Explanation: "Proper behavior" is a more precise and formal term than "good behavior," which can be somewhat vague and colloquial.

3. "not just places where children learn academic subjects" -> "not only institutions where children acquire academic knowledge"
   Explanation: "Institutions where children acquire academic knowledge" is more formal and precise, emphasizing the comprehensive nature of what schools provide beyond mere subject learning.

4. "young minds are shaped" -> "young minds are molded"
   Explanation: "Molded" is a more precise term in this context, suggesting a deliberate and intentional process of shaping, which is more suitable for an academic discussion about education.

5. "learning good behavior" -> "acquiring proper behavior"
   Explanation: "Acquiring proper behavior" is more formal and specific, implying a deliberate and systematic process of learning, which is more suitable for an academic context.

6. "well-rounded individual" -> "well-rounded individual"
   Explanation: This phrase is correct as it is, but it could be expanded to "a well-rounded individual" to maintain parallel structure and emphasize the completeness of the individual.

7. "making it an ideal environment" -> "rendering it an optimal environment"
   Explanation: "Rendering it an optimal environment" uses more formal vocabulary and emphasizes the effectiveness of the environment in a more academic tone.

8. "incorporate values" -> "integrate values"
   Explanation: "Integrate" is a more precise term in the context of education, suggesting a deliberate and systematic inclusion of values into the curriculum.

9. "complements the efforts made by parents" -> "complements parental efforts"
   Explanation: "Complements parental efforts" is more concise and formal, avoiding the redundancy of "made by parents."

10. "structured lessons on good behavior" -> "structured lessons in behavioral development"
    Explanation: "Structured lessons in behavioral development" is more specific and formal, focusing on the educational aspect of teaching behavior rather than just "good behavior."

11. "helps create a consistent message" -> "facilitates a consistent message"
    Explanation: "Facilitates" is a more formal synonym for "helps," enhancing the academic tone of the sentence.

12. "success not only academically but also as responsible, compassionate members of society" -> "success not only academically but also in their roles as responsible and compassionate members of society"
    Explanation: This revision clarifies the scope of success beyond just academic achievement, emphasizing the broader societal implications of responsible and compassionate behavior.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 5

Band Score for Task Response: 5 – UNDER WORD

• Answer All Parts of the Question:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay addresses the prompt by clearly stating agreement with the idea that schools should teach good behavior alongside formal education. However, it lacks a thorough exploration of the opposing viewpoint, which is essential for a balanced argument. The essay primarily focuses on supporting the position without acknowledging potential counterarguments or the complexities of the issue.
  • How to improve: To enhance the response, the writer should consider briefly discussing the opposing view—that schools should focus solely on academic education—and then refute it. This would provide a more comprehensive answer to the prompt and demonstrate critical thinking.

• Present a Clear Position Throughout:

  • Detailed explanation: The position that schools have a responsibility to teach good behavior is clear and consistent throughout the essay. The writer effectively communicates their stance in the introduction and conclusion. However, the lack of engagement with counterarguments slightly weakens the overall clarity of the position.
  • How to improve: To maintain a clear and consistent position, the writer should explicitly state their viewpoint in the introduction and reinforce it in each paragraph. Including a brief acknowledgment of the opposing viewpoint followed by a counter-argument would strengthen the overall clarity and persuasiveness.

• Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay presents several ideas supporting the main argument, such as the importance of social skills and the role of schools in reinforcing values. However, the ideas are not fully extended or supported with specific examples or evidence. For instance, mentioning specific programs or initiatives that schools could implement would enhance the argument.
  • How to improve: The writer should aim to elaborate on each point with concrete examples or data. For instance, discussing successful programs that teach good behavior in schools or citing studies that show the benefits of such education would provide stronger support for the ideas presented.

• Stay on Topic:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay generally stays on topic, focusing on the responsibility of schools in teaching good behavior. However, the discussion could be more focused; some sentences, such as those about parental involvement, could be more directly tied back to the main argument.
  • How to improve: To maintain focus, the writer should ensure that every point made is directly relevant to the question. Each paragraph should clearly relate back to the thesis statement, reinforcing the main argument without introducing tangential ideas.

Additional Note: The essay is under the required word count of 250 words, which significantly impacts the overall score. To meet the word requirement, the writer should expand on their ideas, providing more detailed explanations and examples. This will not only help in achieving the word count but also strengthen the overall argument and coherence of the essay.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 8

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 8

• Organize Information Logically:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay is organized in a clear and logical manner. It begins with a strong thesis statement that outlines the writer’s position, followed by well-structured paragraphs that each focus on a specific reason supporting the argument. For example, the second paragraph discusses the importance of the school environment for social skill development, while the third paragraph emphasizes the complementary role of schools in moral education alongside parental efforts. This logical progression of ideas helps the reader follow the argument easily.
  • How to improve: To enhance logical flow, consider adding transitional phrases between paragraphs to further guide the reader through the argument. For instance, using phrases like "Furthermore," or "In addition," at the beginning of the third paragraph could strengthen the connection between the ideas presented in the second and third paragraphs.

• Use Paragraphs:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay effectively uses paragraphs to separate distinct ideas, which aids in clarity and readability. Each paragraph serves a specific purpose: the introduction presents the thesis, the body paragraphs elaborate on supporting points, and the conclusion summarizes the argument. The paragraphing is consistent with the expectations of an academic essay, making it easy for the reader to digest the information.
  • How to improve: While the paragraphing is effective, consider ensuring that each paragraph begins with a clear topic sentence that encapsulates the main idea of that paragraph. This would provide immediate clarity to the reader about what to expect in each section. For example, starting the second paragraph with a sentence like, "The school environment is pivotal for teaching essential social skills," would reinforce the focus of that paragraph.

• Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a good use of cohesive devices, such as conjunctions and transitional phrases, which help link ideas within and between sentences. Phrases like "Moreover," and "In conclusion," effectively signal shifts in the argument and help maintain coherence throughout the essay. The use of cohesive devices contributes to the overall fluency of the writing.
  • How to improve: To further diversify the use of cohesive devices, consider incorporating a wider range of linking words and phrases. For example, using alternatives like "Additionally," "Consequently," or "On the other hand," can enhance the richness of the text and provide more nuanced connections between ideas. This will not only improve cohesion but also demonstrate a higher level of lexical resource.

Overall, the essay is well-structured and coherent, effectively addressing the prompt. By implementing the suggested improvements, the writer can elevate the clarity and sophistication of their argument even further.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 6

• Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a reasonable range of vocabulary, with terms like "character development," "moral foundation," and "conflict resolution." However, the vocabulary tends to be somewhat repetitive, particularly with phrases like "good behavior" and "responsibility," which are used multiple times without variation. This limits the lexical diversity expected at a higher band score.
  • How to improve: To enhance vocabulary range, consider using synonyms or related phrases. For instance, instead of repeatedly saying "good behavior," alternatives like "positive conduct," "appropriate behavior," or "social etiquette" could be employed. Additionally, integrating more academic or sophisticated terms related to education and psychology could elevate the essay’s lexical quality.

• Use Vocabulary Precisely:

  • Detailed explanation: The vocabulary used is generally appropriate for the context, but there are instances where precision could be improved. For example, the phrase "shaping young minds" is somewhat vague and could benefit from more specific language that conveys the intended meaning more clearly.
  • How to improve: Aim for more precise vocabulary that accurately reflects the ideas being expressed. Instead of "shaping young minds," consider phrases like "cultivating critical thinking" or "nurturing emotional intelligence." This will not only clarify your points but also demonstrate a higher level of lexical sophistication.

• Use Correct Spelling:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay displays a good level of spelling accuracy, with no noticeable errors in the words used. Terms like "responsibility," "empathy," and "cooperation" are spelled correctly, which contributes positively to the overall impression of the essay.
  • How to improve: To maintain and further enhance spelling accuracy, regular practice through writing exercises and proofreading can be beneficial. Utilizing tools such as spell checkers or engaging in vocabulary quizzes can also help reinforce correct spelling habits.

In summary, while the essay demonstrates a solid foundation in lexical resource, there are opportunities for improvement in vocabulary range and precision. By diversifying word choice and ensuring clarity in expression, the essay can achieve a higher band score in this criterion.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 8

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 8

• Use a Wide Range of Structures:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a commendable variety of sentence structures. For instance, the use of complex sentences such as "While formal education is essential for cognitive growth, learning good behavior is crucial for building a well-rounded individual who can thrive in society" effectively conveys nuanced ideas. Additionally, the essay employs a mix of simple and compound sentences, which contributes to a smooth flow of ideas. However, the essay could benefit from more varied introductory phrases and clauses to further enhance complexity.
  • How to improve: To diversify sentence structures, consider incorporating more varied introductory phrases, such as "In light of this," or "Furthermore," to begin sentences. Additionally, using conditional clauses (e.g., "If schools teach good behavior, then…") could add depth to the argument. Experimenting with inversion or more sophisticated linking words can also elevate the complexity of the writing.

• Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay displays a high level of grammatical accuracy, with only minor errors. For example, the phrase "good behavior" is consistently used correctly, and subject-verb agreement is maintained throughout. Punctuation is also handled well, with appropriate use of commas to separate clauses and list items. However, there are instances where the essay could benefit from clearer punctuation, such as in the sentence "During these formative years, they interact with peers and teachers, making it an ideal environment for learning social skills, respect, and empathy," where the list could be more clearly delineated.
  • How to improve: To enhance grammatical accuracy, pay attention to the placement of commas, especially in complex sentences. Ensure that lists are clearly structured, possibly by using semicolons for longer items or ensuring parallel structure. Additionally, reviewing common grammatical pitfalls, such as subject-verb agreement in more complex sentences, can help maintain accuracy. Regular practice with grammar exercises focused on advanced structures would also be beneficial.

Overall, the essay is strong in both grammatical range and accuracy, but there is room for improvement in diversifying sentence structures and refining punctuation.

Bài sửa mẫu

I agree that it is the responsibility of schools to teach children good behavior in addition to providing formal education. Schools are not only institutions where children acquire academic knowledge; they are also environments where young minds are molded, and character development occurs. While formal education is essential for cognitive growth, acquiring proper behavior is crucial for building a well-rounded individual who can thrive in society.

One of the primary reasons why schools should teach good behavior is that children spend a significant amount of time there. During these formative years, they interact with peers and teachers, rendering it an optimal environment for learning social skills, respect, and empathy. When schools integrate values such as kindness, cooperation, and respect into their curriculum, they help students develop a strong moral foundation.

Moreover, teaching good behavior in schools complements parental efforts at home. In many cases, parents may not have the time or resources to focus on every aspect of their child’s moral development. Schools can provide structured lessons in behavioral development, such as conflict resolution, teamwork, and responsibility. This facilitates a consistent message between home and school, reinforcing the importance of positive behavior.

In conclusion, the responsibility of teaching good behavior should not rest solely on parents. Schools play a vital role in shaping the next generation, and by teaching children how to behave well, they prepare them for success not only academically but also in their roles as responsible and compassionate members of society.