Write an essay of about 350 words on the following topic. In many countries schools have severe problems with student behaviour. What do you think are the causes of this? What solutions can you suggest?

Write an essay of about 350 words on the following topic.
In many countries schools have severe problems with student behaviour.
What do you think are the causes of this?
What solutions can you suggest?

Essay risk at Shools has become a controversial behaviour among students so far. In this essay, I will elaborate the underlying causes towards this problem as well as suggest some conducive solutions to cope with it.

There are wide-ranging factors that contribute to this hot-debated topic. First and foremost, poor school security is driving force behind this. That owing to low discipline many schools associate with a number of youths with some confrontations as hostile adolescents. They commit serious unlawful actions without considering about the law. Supervisors punishment from adults, therefore, it ask are no suitable punishment for their ideals. This kind of set-up club or group might attract more teenagers who lack of aware. And this leads to the number of rude, disobedient children is more likely to proliferate. Furthermore, family environment also is culprit for children’s unacceptable actions. For example, authoritarian parenting when they are facing high discipline without the warrant, this leading to them hostile desired demeanor and harsh correction. Then they are often with causing shames, they will follow their parent’s actions and hurt others such as teachers or friends.

However, this phenomenon could be curved due to many remedies. It is significant to note that younger generation still lack of emotional management skill, which annoys children’s sense of control for that reason, school should either teach emotional knowledge but or practical skills such as how to …. new knowledge is important factors. Moreover, this issue are more some personality factors that exacerbate this. There are individuals that behave in unruly way to confront situations which force them to adolescent have misleading concept. Deal with their disadvantage side. To illustrate a student is to blame for stealing not taking note during the lecture and be his teacher does not give him a chance to explain. As a result, he is more likely to use offensive language to prove that he is not wrong his tale down rather due to his that he will borrow his friends’ notebooks to pound complete.

In conclusion, there are many reasons that cause detrimental reflects to students’ behaviour including poor school security or the level of parental supervision. However, nevertheless, Adults should teach educate young how to control their temper as well as give them invest time to listening to their problems.

Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

1. "Essay risk at Shools" -> "Essay risks at Schools"
   Explanation: Correcting "Essay risk" to "Essay risks" fixes the grammatical error and capitalizes "Schools" to adhere to standard English capitalization rules, enhancing the formal tone of the essay.

2. "behaviour" -> "behavior"
   Explanation: "Behaviour" is the British English spelling, whereas "behavior" is the preferred American English spelling. Since academic writing often aims for clarity and consistency, "behavior" is more suitable here.

3. "elaborate the underlying causes" -> "elaborate on the underlying causes"
   Explanation: Adding "on" after "elaborate" corrects the prepositional phrase, making the sentence grammatically correct and more formal.

4. "driving force behind this" -> "primary driver of this"
   Explanation: "Primary driver" is a more precise and formal term than "driving force," which sounds slightly colloquial.

5. "That owing to low discipline many schools associate with a number of youths with some confrontations as hostile adolescents" -> "This is due to the lack of discipline, which leads to many schools being associated with confrontations involving hostile adolescents"
   Explanation: Rewording this complex and awkwardly constructed sentence clarifies the meaning and improves readability, making it more suitable for academic writing.

6. "Supervisors punishment from adults" -> "Punishments from adults"
   Explanation: "Supervisors punishment" is grammatically incorrect; "Punishments from adults" corrects this and simplifies the phrase.

7. "it ask are no suitable punishment for their ideals" -> "therefore, there is no suitable punishment for their behavior"
   Explanation: Corrects grammatical errors and clarifies the meaning by replacing "it ask are" with "therefore, there is" and "ideals" with "behavior."

8. "lack of aware" -> "lack of awareness"
   Explanation: "Lack of aware" is incorrect; "lack of awareness" is the correct phrase.

9. "culprit for children’s unacceptable actions" -> "contributing factor to children’s unacceptable behavior"
   Explanation: "Culprit" is too informal and vague; "contributing factor" is more precise and appropriate in an academic context.

10. "authoritarian parenting when they are facing high discipline without the warrant" -> "authoritarian parenting, which often involves excessive discipline without justification"
    Explanation: Rewording clarifies the meaning and removes the awkward phrasing, making it more formal and clear.

11. "curved" -> "curbed"
    Explanation: "Curved" is incorrect; "curbed" is the correct form of the verb "to curb," meaning to reduce or stop something.

12. "but or" -> "or"
    Explanation: "But or" is grammatically incorrect; "or" alone is sufficient to indicate alternatives.

13. "new knowledge is important factors" -> "new knowledge is an important factor"
    Explanation: Corrects the grammatical error and clarifies the meaning by changing "factors" to "factor."

14. "are more some personality factors" -> "are several personality factors"
    Explanation: "Are more some" is grammatically incorrect; "are several" corrects this and provides a clearer expression.

15. "behaviour" -> "behavior"
    Explanation: Again, corrects the spelling to match American English standards.

16. "to borrow his friends’ notebooks to pound complete" -> "to borrow his friends’ notebooks to complete"
    Explanation: "Pound complete" is incorrect and unclear; "complete" is the correct verb to use in this context.

17. "detrimental reflects to students’ behaviour" -> "detrimental effects on students’ behavior"
    Explanation: "Reflects to" is incorrect; "effects on" is the correct prepositional phrase for indicating impact.

18. "should teach educate young how to control their temper" -> "should educate young people on how to manage their temper"
    Explanation: "Teach educate" is redundant; "educate" alone is sufficient. Also, "young people" is more formal than "young," and "manage" is a more precise term than "control" in this context.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 5

Band Score for Task Response: 5

• Answer All Parts of the Question:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay attempts to address the prompt by discussing causes of poor student behavior and suggesting solutions. However, the response is somewhat vague and lacks depth. For instance, while it mentions "poor school security" and "family environment" as causes, it does not provide specific examples or elaborate on how these factors directly influence behavior. The solutions offered, such as teaching emotional management skills, are mentioned but not sufficiently developed or linked back to the causes discussed.
  • How to improve: To improve, the essay should clearly outline and expand on each cause and solution. Providing specific examples or case studies would strengthen the argument. For instance, discussing how a lack of supervision leads to specific behavioral issues, or detailing a program that successfully teaches emotional management in schools, would enhance the response.

• Present a Clear Position Throughout:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay presents a position that poor behavior is a significant issue stemming from various causes, but it lacks clarity and consistency. The introduction suggests a focus on causes and solutions, but the body paragraphs sometimes drift into vague statements and unclear reasoning. For example, phrases like "this kind of set-up club or group might attract more teenagers who lack of aware" are confusing and detract from the main argument.
  • How to improve: To maintain a clear position, the writer should explicitly state their viewpoint in the introduction and ensure that each paragraph logically supports this viewpoint. Using clear topic sentences and concluding each paragraph with a summary of how it relates to the overall argument would help maintain focus.

• Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay presents some ideas but does not extend or support them effectively. For instance, the mention of "authoritarian parenting" as a cause is a good start, but it lacks depth and supporting evidence. The example provided about a student stealing is somewhat relevant but does not clearly connect back to the main argument about behavioral causes.
  • How to improve: To improve, the writer should aim to develop each idea more fully. This includes providing definitions, examples, or statistics that illustrate the points made. Each idea should be clearly linked to the thesis, and the writer should ensure that examples are relevant and clearly explained.

• Stay on Topic:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay generally stays on topic, discussing student behavior, its causes, and potential solutions. However, there are moments where the focus shifts, such as when discussing "misleading concepts" without clearly linking it back to the main argument about behavior. Additionally, the language used is often unclear, which can lead to misunderstandings about the topic.
  • How to improve: To maintain focus, the writer should regularly refer back to the prompt and ensure that each point made is directly relevant to the causes and solutions of student behavior. Avoiding overly complex language and ensuring clarity in expression will help keep the reader engaged and focused on the topic.

Overall, to achieve a higher band score, the essay needs to provide clearer arguments, more detailed examples, and a more coherent structure that directly addresses all parts of the prompt.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 5

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 5

• Organize Information Logically:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay attempts to address the causes and solutions to student behavior problems in schools. However, the logical organization is weak. The introduction is somewhat unclear and does not effectively set up the essay’s structure. The body paragraphs are disjointed and lack a clear progression of ideas. For example, the first body paragraph jumps from poor school security to family environment without a smooth transition, making it difficult for the reader to follow the argument. Additionally, the conclusion does not effectively summarize the main points or provide a coherent closing statement.
  • How to improve: To enhance logical flow, start with a clear thesis statement in the introduction that outlines the main points. Ensure each body paragraph begins with a clear topic sentence that introduces the main idea of the paragraph. Use transitional phrases to connect ideas between paragraphs and within paragraphs. Finally, provide a concise conclusion that summarizes the main points and reinforces the thesis.

• Use Paragraphs:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay uses paragraphs, but they are not effectively structured. Each paragraph should focus on a single idea, but in this essay, ideas are mixed within paragraphs, making it difficult to discern the main point of each one. For instance, the first body paragraph discusses both school security and family environment without a clear separation.
  • How to improve: Ensure each paragraph has a clear focus. Start with a topic sentence that states the main idea, followed by supporting sentences that elaborate on this idea. Avoid mixing different points within a single paragraph. If a new idea is introduced, start a new paragraph. This will help in maintaining clarity and coherence.

• Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay uses some cohesive devices, but they are often used incorrectly or awkwardly, which disrupts the flow of the essay. Phrases like "First and foremost" and "Furthermore" are used, but the connections between sentences and ideas are not always clear. Additionally, some sentences are fragmented or poorly constructed, which further hampers cohesion.
  • How to improve: Use a variety of cohesive devices such as conjunctions (and, but, because), adverbs (however, therefore, moreover), and pronouns to link ideas smoothly. Ensure that each sentence logically follows the previous one. Practice using these devices in different contexts to become more comfortable with their application. Additionally, review sentence structure to avoid fragmentation and ensure clarity.

By addressing these areas, the essay can achieve better coherence and cohesion, making it easier for the reader to follow and understand the arguments presented.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 5

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 5

• Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates an attempt to use a variety of vocabulary, such as "conducive solutions," "hostile adolescents," and "authoritarian parenting." However, the range is limited, and many terms are used inaccurately or awkwardly, which detracts from the overall clarity and effectiveness of the argument. For instance, phrases like "set-up club or group" and "this hot-debated topic" are not idiomatic and can confuse readers.
  • How to improve: To enhance vocabulary range, the writer should explore synonyms and related terms for common words. For example, instead of repeating "poor school security," alternatives like "inadequate safety measures" or "insufficient supervision" could be used. Additionally, incorporating more academic vocabulary relevant to education and psychology would strengthen the essay.

• Use Vocabulary Precisely:

  • Detailed explanation: There are several instances of imprecise vocabulary usage that hinder the clarity of the essay. For example, "this kind of set-up club or group might attract more teenagers who lack of aware" is awkwardly phrased and unclear. The phrase "lack of aware" should be corrected to "lack awareness." Furthermore, the phrase "this phenomenon could be curved" should be "this phenomenon could be curbed," demonstrating a misunderstanding of the correct term.
  • How to improve: To improve precision, the writer should focus on using words that accurately convey their intended meaning. This can be achieved by revising sentences for clarity and ensuring that the vocabulary fits the context. Reading more academic essays or articles can help familiarize the writer with precise language usage.

• Use Correct Spelling:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay contains several spelling errors, such as "behaviour" (British English is acceptable, but consistency is key), "disobedient" (should be "disobedient"), "curved" (should be "curbed"), and "shames" (should be "shame"). These errors can distract the reader and undermine the writer’s credibility.
  • How to improve: To enhance spelling accuracy, the writer should proofread their work carefully or use spelling and grammar checking tools. Additionally, practicing spelling through writing exercises and quizzes can help reinforce correct spelling patterns. Keeping a list of commonly misspelled words and reviewing them regularly can also be beneficial.

Overall, while the essay shows an effort to engage with the topic and present ideas, improvements in vocabulary range, precision, and spelling are essential for achieving a higher band score in the Lexical Resource criterion.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 5

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 5

• Use a Wide Range of Structures:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a limited range of sentence structures. For instance, the use of simple sentences is prevalent, such as "This kind of set-up club or group might attract more teenagers who lack of aware." While there are some attempts at complex sentences, they often lack clarity and coherence. For example, "That owing to low discipline many schools associate with a number of youths with some confrontations as hostile adolescents" is convoluted and difficult to follow.
  • How to improve: To enhance the range of structures, the writer should practice using a mix of simple, compound, and complex sentences. For example, instead of saying, "There are wide-ranging factors that contribute to this hot-debated topic," the writer could say, "Several factors contribute to this contentious issue, including poor school security and family environment." Additionally, incorporating varied sentence starters and transitional phrases can improve the flow and coherence of the essay.

• Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay contains numerous grammatical errors and punctuation issues. For example, phrases like "supervisors punishment from adults" and "this leading to them hostile desired demeanor" are grammatically incorrect and lack clarity. Furthermore, punctuation is often missing or misused, as seen in "However, this phenomenon could be curved due to many remedies." The word "curved" should be "curbed," and the sentence structure is awkward.
  • How to improve: To improve grammatical accuracy, the writer should review basic grammar rules, particularly subject-verb agreement and sentence structure. For instance, "this issue are more some personality factors" should be corrected to "this issue also includes several personality factors." Additionally, practicing punctuation rules, such as the correct use of commas and periods, can help clarify meaning. Reading more academic essays can also provide insights into proper grammar and punctuation usage.

Overall, while the essay addresses the prompt and presents some relevant ideas, significant improvements in grammatical range and accuracy are necessary to achieve a higher band score. Focusing on sentence variety and grammatical correctness will enhance the overall quality of the writing.

Bài sửa mẫu

Essay risks at schools have become a controversial behavior among students so far. In this essay, I will elaborate on the underlying causes of this problem as well as suggest some conducive solutions to cope with it.

There are wide-ranging factors that contribute to this hotly debated topic. First and foremost, poor school security is a primary driver of this issue. This is due to the lack of discipline, which leads to many schools being associated with confrontations involving hostile adolescents. They commit serious unlawful actions without considering the law. Punishments from adults are often ineffective; therefore, there is no suitable punishment for their behavior. This kind of setup, such as clubs or groups, might attract more teenagers who lack awareness. This leads to a higher number of rude, disobedient children. Furthermore, the family environment is also a contributing factor to children’s unacceptable behavior. For example, authoritarian parenting, which often involves excessive discipline without justification, can lead to hostile behavior and harsh reactions. When children face shame, they often mimic their parents’ actions and may hurt others, such as teachers or friends.

However, this phenomenon could be curbed through various remedies. It is significant to note that the younger generation still lacks emotional management skills, which affects children’s sense of control. For that reason, schools should educate young people on how to manage their temper and provide practical skills, such as emotional knowledge. Moreover, there are several personality factors that exacerbate this issue. Some individuals behave in an unruly way to confront situations, which can lead adolescents to develop misleading concepts. For instance, if a student is blamed for stealing instead of taking notes during the lecture, and the teacher does not give him a chance to explain, he is more likely to use offensive language to prove that he is not wrong. Consequently, he may borrow his friends’ notebooks to complete his work.

In conclusion, there are many reasons that cause detrimental effects on students’ behavior, including poor school security and the level of parental supervision. However, adults should educate young people on how to control their temper and invest time in listening to their problems.