Write an essay of about 350 words on the following topic. Some people believe that studying abroad is important because it expands a person’s knowledge and understanding of the world. Others feel that it is better to study at home because that is the best way to prepare for a career in the student’s own country. Discuss both these views, and give your opinion.
Write an essay of about 350 words on the following topic.
Some people believe that studying abroad is important because it expands a person's knowledge and understanding of the world. Others feel that it is better to study at home because that is the best way to prepare for a career in the student's own country.
Discuss both these views, and give your opinion.
A proposition of individuals suppose that the tendency to study abroad could enhance person’s knowledge as well as facilitate the process of exploring the world. While others consider that studying at home is a paramount investment. Before augmenting my own perspective on perspective. I will discuss this phenomenon in both views.
Admittedly, we can’t deny that each country has its own way to become thriving and by devoting time to learn different things from variety of nations, a citizen could not only underpin a successful successful career in later life but also act as a stimulant to the development of their own country. French, for example, has dominated the fashion industry due to so many brilliant ideas in the way designing new styles. For that reason, taking a chance in learning how those designers of this dominant country come up with an idea and how they source to find out trustworthy sources to arouse their interest in this potential field. So could pave the way for the harmonization of the development in fashion industries in the world.
However, it is important to “note” that there are some people haven’t got the wherewithal to pursue on studying abroad when owing financial burden to a financial burden. Overseas learners might have more of a nuance than a help while studying in a foreign country. This can be seen on the way there are a numbers of teenagers pursue on getting tertiary education in a different nation, instead of paying attention on cultivating new knowledge. Young individuals have to work part-time with a view to facilitate reducing deshoute conditions. This in turn, could put a lot of pressure on youngsters as well as interfere their senses concentration on learning.
In conclusion, depending on each individual’s conditions, people should consider about the pros and cons of the statement and make a good decision which could stand them in good stead.
Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng
-
"A proposition of individuals suppose" -> "It is proposed that individuals believe"
Explanation: The original phrase is grammatically incorrect and awkward. The suggested revision clarifies the meaning and adheres to formal academic style by using the passive voice and proper verb tense. -
"could enhance person’s knowledge" -> "could enhance one’s knowledge"
Explanation: The term "person’s" is too informal and vague in this context. "One’s" is more formal and appropriate for academic writing. -
"facilitate the process of exploring the world" -> "facilitate the exploration of the world"
Explanation: The phrase "the process of exploring the world" is redundant. Simplifying it to "the exploration of the world" enhances clarity and conciseness. -
"Before augmenting my own perspective on perspective" -> "Before presenting my own perspective"
Explanation: The original phrase is unclear and awkward. "Presenting my own perspective" is a clearer and more direct way to introduce personal views in academic writing. -
"we can’t deny" -> "it cannot be denied"
Explanation: The contraction "can’t" is too informal for academic writing. Using "cannot" maintains a formal tone and improves readability. -
"each country has its own way to become thriving" -> "each country has its own path to becoming thriving"
Explanation: The phrase "way to become thriving" is awkward and unclear. "Path to becoming thriving" is more precise and grammatically correct. -
"devoting time to learn different things from variety of nations" -> "devoting time to learn from various nations"
Explanation: "Variety of nations" is redundant. "Various nations" is more concise and appropriate for formal writing. -
"a citizen could not only underpin a successful successful career" -> "a citizen could not only underpin a successful career"
Explanation: The repetition of "successful" is unnecessary and awkward. Removing the redundancy improves the sentence’s clarity and flow. -
"act as a stimulant to the development of their own country" -> "serve as a stimulus to their country’s development"
Explanation: "Act as a stimulant" is incorrect; "serve as a stimulus" is the correct term. Also, "their country’s development" is more formal and precise than "the development of their own country." -
"French, for example, has dominated the fashion industry" -> "France, for example, has dominated the fashion industry"
Explanation: "French" is incorrect as it refers to the language, not the country. "France" is the correct noun form. -
"taking a chance in learning how those designers of this dominant country come up with an idea" -> "taking the opportunity to learn how designers from this dominant country develop their ideas"
Explanation: "Taking a chance in learning" is informal and vague. "Taking the opportunity to learn" is more precise and formal. Also, "come up with an idea" is colloquial; "develop their ideas" is more appropriate for academic writing. -
"how they source to find out trustworthy sources" -> "how they source trustworthy sources"
Explanation: The original phrase is awkward and unclear. Simplifying it to "how they source trustworthy sources" improves readability and clarity. -
"So could pave the way for the harmonization of the development in fashion industries" -> "This could pave the way for the harmonization of fashion industry development"
Explanation: "In fashion industries" is redundant and awkward. "Fashion industry development" is more concise and appropriate for formal writing. -
"there are some people haven’t got the wherewithal to pursue on studying abroad" -> "some individuals lack the means to pursue studying abroad"
Explanation: "Haven’t got the wherewithal" is informal and unclear. "Lack the means" is more precise and formal. -
"owing financial burden to a financial burden" -> "owing to financial burdens"
Explanation: The original phrase is awkward and unclear. "Owing to financial burdens" is grammatically correct and clearer. -
"Overseas learners might have more of a nuance than a help" -> "Overseas learners might face more challenges than benefits"
Explanation: "More of a nuance than a help" is unclear and informal. "Face more challenges than benefits" is a clearer and more formal expression. -
"a numbers of teenagers pursue on getting tertiary education" -> "a number of teenagers pursue tertiary education"
Explanation: "A numbers" is incorrect; "a number" is the correct form. Also, "pursue on getting" is awkward; "pursue" is sufficient. -
"paying attention on cultivating new knowledge" -> "focusing on acquiring new knowledge"
Explanation: "Paying attention on" is incorrect. "Focusing on acquiring" is the correct phrase for formal academic writing. -
"put a lot of pressure on youngsters as well as interfere their senses concentration on learning" -> "place significant pressure on young people and interfere with their concentration on learning"
Explanation: "Put a lot of pressure on youngsters" is informal and vague. "Place significant pressure on young people" is more formal and precise. "Interfere their senses concentration" is grammatically incorrect; "interfere with their concentration" is the correct phrase. -
"make a good decision which could stand them in good stead" -> "make a well-informed decision that could serve them well"
Explanation: "Make a good decision which could stand them in good stead" is awkward and unclear. "Make a well-informed decision that could serve them well" is clearer and more formal.
Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 5
Band Score for Task Response: 5
-
Answer All Parts of the Question:
- Detailed explanation: The essay attempts to address both views regarding studying abroad versus studying at home. The first paragraph introduces the idea that studying abroad enhances knowledge and understanding, while the second paragraph presents the opposing view that studying at home is more beneficial. However, the discussion lacks depth and clarity. For instance, the mention of the fashion industry in the first paragraph is somewhat relevant, but it does not effectively illustrate the broader benefits of studying abroad. Additionally, the second paragraph introduces the financial burden but fails to fully explore how this impacts the decision to study abroad versus at home.
- How to improve: To improve, the essay should ensure that both views are explored in greater detail. Each perspective should be supported with clear examples and explanations. For instance, when discussing the benefits of studying abroad, the writer could include specific skills or experiences gained that contribute to personal and professional growth. Similarly, when discussing studying at home, the essay could elaborate on how local education systems can prepare students for careers in their own country.
-
Present a Clear Position Throughout:
- Detailed explanation: The essay does not present a clear position throughout. While it mentions the author’s intention to share their opinion, this opinion is not explicitly stated or developed. The conclusion suggests that individuals should weigh the pros and cons, but it lacks a definitive stance on the issue. This ambiguity can confuse readers about the author’s perspective.
- How to improve: To maintain a clear position, the writer should explicitly state their opinion in the introduction and reiterate it in the conclusion. This can be achieved by clearly outlining which option they believe is more beneficial and providing reasons for this stance. Consistent references to this position throughout the essay will help reinforce the argument.
-
Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:
- Detailed explanation: The ideas presented in the essay are somewhat underdeveloped. While there are attempts to present arguments for both sides, they lack sufficient elaboration and support. For example, the mention of financial burdens is relevant but is not fully explored in terms of its implications for students’ academic success. Additionally, the examples provided, such as the reference to the fashion industry, are vague and do not convincingly support the claims made.
- How to improve: To enhance the presentation and support of ideas, the writer should provide more detailed examples and explanations. Each argument should be followed by specific instances or data that illustrate the point being made. For example, discussing specific skills gained from studying abroad or the advantages of local networks when studying at home would strengthen the essay.
-
Stay on Topic:
- Detailed explanation: The essay generally stays on topic, but there are moments where the focus wavers. For instance, the discussion of the fashion industry, while relevant to the benefits of studying abroad, does not clearly connect to the broader argument about knowledge expansion. Additionally, the mention of financial burdens could be more directly tied to the implications for studying abroad versus at home.
- How to improve: To maintain focus, the writer should ensure that each point made directly relates to the central argument of the essay. It may be helpful to outline the main points before writing to ensure that each paragraph contributes to the overall discussion. Additionally, using clear topic sentences at the beginning of each paragraph can help guide the reader and maintain relevance to the topic.
In summary, to improve the essay’s score, the writer should focus on providing a clearer structure, developing their arguments with specific examples, maintaining a consistent position, and ensuring that all points made are directly relevant to the prompt.
Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 6
Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 6
-
Organize Information Logically:
- Detailed explanation: The essay attempts to organize information logically by discussing both perspectives on studying abroad versus studying at home. The introduction sets up the discussion, and the body paragraphs address each viewpoint. However, the logical flow is somewhat disrupted by awkward phrasing and unclear transitions. For example, the transition between discussing the benefits of studying abroad and the challenges faced by students abroad is not smooth. The essay also lacks a clear thesis statement in the introduction, which makes it harder for the reader to follow the main argument.
- How to improve: To enhance logical flow, start with a clear thesis statement that outlines the main points to be discussed. Use clear and concise topic sentences for each paragraph to guide the reader through the argument. Ensure that each paragraph transitions smoothly to the next by using appropriate linking phrases or sentences. For instance, after discussing the benefits of studying abroad, a sentence like "Despite these advantages, there are significant challenges that students may face when studying abroad" would provide a smoother transition.
-
Use Paragraphs:
- Detailed explanation: The essay uses paragraphs to separate different ideas, which is a good practice. However, the paragraphing could be more effective. The first body paragraph is overly long and tries to cover too many points, which can confuse the reader. The second body paragraph is more focused but still contains some run-on sentences and mixed ideas. The conclusion is brief and does not fully summarize the main points discussed.
- How to improve: Break down long paragraphs into smaller, more focused ones. Each paragraph should ideally cover a single main idea. For example, the first body paragraph could be split into two: one focusing on the benefits of studying abroad and another on how these benefits can contribute to the student’s home country. Ensure that each paragraph has a clear topic sentence and that the conclusion effectively summarizes the key points discussed in the essay.
-
Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:
- Detailed explanation: The essay uses some cohesive devices, such as "for example," "however," and "in conclusion." However, the use of these devices is inconsistent and sometimes awkward. For instance, the phrase "it is important to ‘note’ that" is not used correctly, and the transition "this in turn" is somewhat abrupt. Additionally, there are several grammatical errors that affect the cohesion of the essay, such as "a citizen could not only underpin a successful successful career" and "pursue on studying abroad."
- How to improve: To improve the use of cohesive devices, familiarize yourself with a wider range of linking words and phrases and practice using them correctly. For example, use "on the other hand" to contrast ideas or "as a result" to show cause and effect. Ensure that each cohesive device is used appropriately and that sentences are grammatically correct. Proofread the essay to eliminate repetitive phrases and awkward constructions. Additionally, consider using synonyms and varied sentence structures to enhance the overall cohesion of the essay.
By addressing these areas, the essay can achieve a more coherent and cohesive structure, making it easier for the reader to follow the argument and understand the main points being made.
Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6
Band Score for Lexical Resource: 6
-
Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates an attempt to use a variety of vocabulary, such as "enhance," "stimulant," and "nuance." However, the range is somewhat limited and occasionally repetitive, with phrases like "financial burden" appearing multiple times. Additionally, terms like "successful successful career" indicate a lack of precision and variation in word choice.
- How to improve: To enhance vocabulary range, the writer should incorporate synonyms and related terms to avoid repetition. For instance, instead of repeating "financial burden," alternatives like "economic constraints" or "monetary challenges" could be used. Expanding the vocabulary related to the topic of education and career preparation would also strengthen the essay.
-
Use Vocabulary Precisely:
- Detailed explanation: There are instances of imprecise vocabulary usage, such as "the tendency to study abroad could enhance person’s knowledge" where "a person’s knowledge" would be more accurate. The phrase "the way designing new styles" is awkward and unclear, suggesting a lack of precision in expression. Moreover, "pursue on studying abroad" is incorrect; it should be "pursue studying abroad."
- How to improve: To improve precision, the writer should focus on grammatical accuracy and clarity. Reviewing sentence structures and ensuring that phrases convey the intended meaning accurately will help. For example, rephrasing to "the methods of designing new styles" would clarify the intent. Additionally, using a thesaurus to find precise words can enhance clarity.
-
Use Correct Spelling:
- Detailed explanation: The essay contains several spelling errors, such as "deshoute" (which seems to be a misspelling of "difficult" or "desolate") and "a numbers of teenagers" (should be "a number of teenagers"). These errors detract from the overall professionalism of the writing.
- How to improve: To enhance spelling accuracy, the writer should engage in regular spelling practice, perhaps using flashcards or spelling apps. Additionally, proofreading the essay multiple times or using spelling and grammar checking tools can help catch errors before submission. Reading more widely can also improve spelling through exposure to correctly spelled words in context.
Overall, while the essay demonstrates some strengths in vocabulary use, there are notable areas for improvement in range, precision, and spelling that could elevate the Lexical Resource score. Focusing on these aspects will enhance the clarity and effectiveness of the writing.
Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 5
Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 5
-
Use a Wide Range of Structures:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates some variety in sentence structures, such as the use of complex sentences ("Admittedly, we can’t deny that each country has its own way to become thriving…"). However, the overall range is limited, and many sentences are either overly simplistic or awkwardly constructed. For instance, phrases like "the tendency to study abroad could enhance person’s knowledge" lack complexity and clarity. Additionally, the repetition of certain structures, such as "to study abroad" and "studying at home," indicates a lack of variety in expression.
- How to improve: To enhance the range of structures, the writer should incorporate more complex and compound sentences. For example, instead of repeatedly using "studying," they could use synonyms or rephrase sentences to introduce variety. Additionally, using introductory phrases or clauses could help create more sophisticated sentence structures, such as "While studying abroad offers unique opportunities, it is essential to consider the benefits of local education."
-
Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:
- Detailed explanation: The essay contains several grammatical errors and punctuation issues that hinder clarity. For example, the phrase "a citizen could not only underpin a successful successful career" contains a repetition error, and "there are some people haven’t got the wherewithal" is grammatically incorrect; it should be "there are some people who haven’t got the wherewithal." Furthermore, punctuation errors, such as the incorrect use of quotation marks around "note," detract from the overall professionalism of the writing. The use of commas is inconsistent, particularly in complex sentences, which can confuse the reader.
- How to improve: To improve grammatical accuracy, the writer should review basic grammar rules, particularly subject-verb agreement and the correct use of relative clauses. Practicing sentence restructuring could also help eliminate awkward phrasing. For punctuation, the writer should focus on the correct placement of commas in complex sentences and the appropriate use of quotation marks. Reading the essay aloud may help identify areas where punctuation is needed for clarity.
Overall, while the essay presents a relevant discussion on the topic, significant improvements in grammatical range and accuracy are necessary to achieve a higher band score. Focusing on diversifying sentence structures and correcting grammatical and punctuation errors will enhance the clarity and effectiveness of the writing.
Bài sửa mẫu
A proposition of individuals suggests that the tendency to study abroad could enhance a person’s knowledge as well as facilitate the process of exploring the world. While others consider that studying at home is a paramount investment. Before presenting my own perspective, I will discuss this phenomenon from both views.
Admittedly, we cannot deny that each country has its own path to becoming thriving, and by devoting time to learn different things from a variety of nations, a citizen could not only underpin a successful career in later life but also serve as a stimulus to the development of their own country. France, for example, has dominated the fashion industry due to so many brilliant ideas in designing new styles. For that reason, taking the opportunity to learn how designers from this dominant country develop their ideas and how they source trustworthy information to arouse their interest in this potential field could pave the way for the harmonization of fashion industry development worldwide.
However, it is important to note that there are some people who lack the means to pursue studying abroad owing to financial burdens. Overseas learners might face more challenges than benefits while studying in a foreign country. This can be seen in the way a number of teenagers pursue tertiary education in a different nation instead of focusing on acquiring new knowledge. Young individuals often have to work part-time to alleviate their financial conditions. This, in turn, could place significant pressure on youngsters and interfere with their concentration on learning.
In conclusion, depending on each individual’s circumstances, people should consider the pros and cons of studying abroad and make a well-informed decision that could serve them well.
