Writing Task 2: An increasing number of people are choosing to have cosmetic surgery in order to improve their appearance. Why is this the case? Is it a positive or negative development?

Writing Task 2: An increasing number of people are choosing to have cosmetic surgery in order to improve their appearance.
Why is this the case?
Is it a positive or negative development?

It is common to observe that many individuals are enhancing their attractiveness by intervening in cosmetic surgery. This essay will first discuss the reasons behind this phenomenon and then argue that it is more of a negative development.
There are two major rationales why this trend is happening. One primary motivation for people seeking surgical interventions might be often their longing to adhere to social beauty standards. This is because of the pervasive influence of mass media and technology which may exaggerate the focus on exterior physical appearance, resulting in the fact that it makes people be under enormous pressure to meet these standards. Therefore, they have a tendency to choose cosmetic procedures. Another main reason is associated with the advancement of technology. This is because it may be more affordable and accessible for people who want to acquire transformative physical alteration. For example, just through the prevalence of photo-editing applications, people may be more handsome or beautiful when posting on social platforms like Facebook and Instagram.
Despite the potential benefits such as fostering looks and satisfaction with one’s appearance. One significant issue is that it may generate a culture of superficiality. This can be explained by the fact that people have an inclination to excessively focus on one’s external beauty, which neglects essential human things such as characteristics or abilities, reducing self-esteem for those who do not fit into society’s confined beauty standards. Additionally, it may be related to complications. This means that operations may potentially have some physical risks such as infections or scarring, resulting in dissatisfaction or additional sugeries.
To sum up, the rise in the number of people having cosmetic operations can be attributed to the pressure to conform to social beauty standards and the increased accessibility of these procedures. From my viewpoint, a superficial community and potential physical risks make this development largely negative

Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

"enhancing their attractiveness" -> "enhancing their physical appearance"
Explanation: The term "attractiveness" can be vague and subjective. "Physical appearance" is more precise and objective, aligning better with academic language by focusing on the specific aspect of physical change.
"intervening in cosmetic surgery" -> "undergoing cosmetic surgery"
Explanation: "Intervening in" suggests involvement or interference, which is not the correct connotation for undergoing a medical procedure. "Undergoing" is the appropriate term for describing the act of receiving cosmetic surgery.
"more of a negative development" -> "largely negative"
Explanation: "More of a negative development" is somewhat vague and informal. "Largely negative" is more direct and maintains a formal tone suitable for academic writing.
"often their longing" -> "their desire"
Explanation: "Often their longing" is awkward and informal. "Their desire" is more straightforward and academically appropriate.
"pervasive influence of mass media and technology" -> "widespread influence of mass media and technology"
Explanation: "Pervasive" can imply a more intense or all-encompassing influence, which might be too strong for this context. "Widespread" is a more neutral term that accurately describes the general impact.
"it makes people be under enormous pressure" -> "it puts people under immense pressure"
Explanation: "It makes people be under enormous pressure" is grammatically incorrect and awkward. "It puts people under immense pressure" corrects the grammar and enhances the formality.
"have a tendency to choose" -> "tend to choose"
Explanation: "Have a tendency to" is redundant with "tend to." Simplifying to "tend to choose" improves the sentence’s clarity and conciseness.
"transformative physical alteration" -> "physical transformations"
Explanation: "Transformative physical alteration" is a bit cumbersome and verbose. "Physical transformations" is more concise and maintains the intended meaning.
"just through the prevalence of photo-editing applications" -> "thanks to the widespread use of photo-editing applications"
Explanation: "Just through" is informal and vague. "Thanks to the widespread use of" is more precise and formal, fitting the academic style better.
"more handsome or beautiful" -> "more attractive"
Explanation: "Handsome" and "beautiful" are subjective and less formal. "Attractive" is a more neutral term that is commonly used in academic discussions about physical appearance.
"essential human things such as characteristics or abilities" -> "essential human qualities such as personality traits or abilities"
Explanation: "Essential human things" is vague and informal. "Essential human qualities" is more specific and formal, and "personality traits" is a clearer term than "characteristics."
"reducing self-esteem for those who do not fit into society’s confined beauty standards" -> "lowering self-esteem among individuals who do not conform to societal beauty standards"
Explanation: "Reducing self-esteem for those who do not fit into society’s confined beauty standards" is wordy and informal. "Lowering self-esteem among individuals who do not conform to societal beauty standards" is more precise and formal.
"additional sugeries" -> "additional surgeries"
Explanation: "Sugeries" is a typographical error and not a recognized term. "Surgeries" is the correct term and maintains the formal tone of the essay.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 8

Band Score for Task Response: 8

Answer All Parts of the Question:
- Detailed explanation: The essay effectively addresses both parts of the prompt. The first part discusses the reasons for the increase in cosmetic surgery, citing social beauty standards and technological advancements as key factors. The second part evaluates the development as largely negative, discussing superficiality and physical risks associated with cosmetic procedures. The response is comprehensive and directly relates to the prompt.
- How to improve: To enhance the response, the essay could benefit from a more explicit connection between the reasons and the implications of cosmetic surgery. For instance, elaborating on how social media influences perceptions of beauty could strengthen the argument. Additionally, providing more examples or statistics could further substantiate the claims made.
Present a Clear Position Throughout:
- Detailed explanation: The essay maintains a clear position that the trend of cosmetic surgery is negative. This stance is consistently presented throughout the essay, particularly in the concluding remarks. However, the transition between discussing the reasons and the negative implications could be smoother to reinforce the position.
- How to improve: To improve clarity, the writer could use transitional phrases that explicitly connect the reasons for the trend to the negative consequences. For example, stating how the pressure to conform leads to superficiality could create a more cohesive argument. Additionally, reiterating the main position in the conclusion with a stronger emphasis would reinforce the stance.
Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents several ideas regarding the motivations for cosmetic surgery and its negative impacts. The reasons are well articulated, and the discussion of superficiality and physical risks provides a solid foundation for the argument. However, some ideas could be more thoroughly developed. For instance, the mention of “characteristics or abilities” as neglected aspects could be expanded with examples or further explanation.
- How to improve: To enhance the development of ideas, the writer should aim to provide more detailed examples or case studies that illustrate the points made. Expanding on the implications of superficiality—such as how it affects mental health or societal values—would add depth to the argument. Additionally, incorporating counterarguments could strengthen the overall discussion.
Stay on Topic:
- Detailed explanation: The essay remains focused on the topic of cosmetic surgery and its implications. There are no significant deviations from the main subject, and the writer consistently ties back to the prompt. The structure of the essay supports this focus, with a clear introduction, body paragraphs addressing the reasons and implications, and a concise conclusion.
- How to improve: While the essay is generally on topic, ensuring that every sentence contributes directly to the argument can enhance clarity. The writer should review each paragraph to confirm that all points made are relevant to the discussion of cosmetic surgery, avoiding any tangential remarks that could distract from the main argument.

Overall, the essay demonstrates a strong understanding of the task and effectively communicates the writer’s ideas. With some improvements in the areas of example development, transitions, and depth of argumentation, the essay could achieve an even higher score in the Task Response criteria.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 8

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 8

Organize Information Logically:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents a clear structure, beginning with an introduction that outlines the main points to be discussed. The body paragraphs are well-organized, with the first paragraph addressing the reasons for the trend in cosmetic surgery and the second paragraph discussing its negative implications. Each reason and consequence is logically sequenced, allowing the reader to follow the argument easily. For instance, the transition from discussing societal pressures to the role of technology is smooth and coherent, enhancing the overall flow of the essay.
- How to improve: While the organization is strong, the essay could benefit from clearer topic sentences at the beginning of each paragraph. This would help to immediately signal the main idea of each section to the reader. Additionally, using transitional phrases between points within paragraphs could further enhance the logical progression of ideas.
Use Paragraphs:
- Detailed explanation: The essay effectively uses paragraphs to separate different ideas, which is crucial for readability. Each paragraph focuses on a specific aspect of the topic, with the first addressing reasons for the increase in cosmetic surgery and the second discussing its negative consequences. However, the second paragraph could be further divided into two distinct paragraphs: one focusing on the cultural implications and the other on the potential physical risks associated with cosmetic surgery. This would allow for a more in-depth exploration of each point.
- How to improve: To improve paragraphing, consider breaking down complex ideas into separate paragraphs. Each paragraph should ideally contain one main idea supported by examples or explanations. This not only enhances clarity but also allows for a more thorough examination of each point.
Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a good use of cohesive devices, such as "therefore," "despite," and "additionally," which help to connect ideas and maintain the flow of the argument. These devices effectively guide the reader through the essay’s reasoning. However, the range of cohesive devices could be expanded. For example, the use of more varied connectors such as "furthermore," "in contrast," or "consequently" could enhance the sophistication of the writing.
- How to improve: To diversify the use of cohesive devices, practice incorporating a wider variety of linking words and phrases. Additionally, ensure that cohesive devices are used appropriately to avoid redundancy. For instance, instead of repeatedly using "this means that," consider alternatives that could convey the same idea in a fresh manner. This will not only improve the essay’s coherence but also demonstrate a higher level of language proficiency.

Overall, the essay is well-structured and coherent, earning a strong band score for coherence and cohesion. By implementing the suggested improvements, the writer can further enhance the clarity and sophistication of their writing.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 6

Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a reasonable range of vocabulary, with terms such as "enhancing," "intervening," "rationales," "superficiality," and "transformative physical alteration." However, the vocabulary used is somewhat repetitive and lacks variation. For instance, the word "beauty" and its derivatives appear multiple times without synonyms or alternatives, which can detract from the overall lexical richness of the essay.
- How to improve: To enhance the range of vocabulary, the writer should incorporate synonyms and related terms. For example, instead of repeatedly using "beauty," alternatives like "aesthetics," "appearance," or "physical allure" could be employed. Additionally, using more varied adjectives and adverbs can help to create a more engaging narrative.
Use Vocabulary Precisely:
- Detailed explanation: The essay contains instances of imprecise vocabulary usage. For example, the phrase "resulting in the fact that it makes people be under enormous pressure" is awkward and could be simplified to "resulting in enormous pressure on individuals." Furthermore, the term "surgical interventions" is somewhat vague; specifying "cosmetic surgical interventions" would enhance clarity.
- How to improve: The writer should focus on using vocabulary that accurately conveys their intended meaning. This can be achieved by revising sentences for clarity and precision. For instance, replacing "may generate a culture of superficiality" with "can foster a superficial culture" would make the statement more direct and impactful.
Use Correct Spelling:
- Detailed explanation: The essay generally demonstrates good spelling, with only a few minor errors, such as "suger" instead of "surgery." This indicates a reasonable level of spelling accuracy, but such errors can detract from the overall professionalism of the writing.
- How to improve: To improve spelling accuracy, the writer should proofread their work carefully or use spell-check tools before submission. Additionally, practicing spelling common terms related to the topic can help to minimize errors in future essays.

In summary, while the essay demonstrates a satisfactory level of lexical resource, there is room for improvement in vocabulary range, precision, and spelling accuracy. By incorporating a wider variety of vocabulary, ensuring precise word choice, and carefully proofreading for spelling errors, the writer can enhance their performance in this criterion.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 7

Use a Wide Range of Structures:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a good variety of sentence structures, including complex and compound sentences. For example, the phrase "One primary motivation for people seeking surgical interventions might be often their longing to adhere to social beauty standards" showcases a complex structure that effectively conveys a nuanced idea. However, there are instances where sentence structures could be more varied. For example, the use of "This is because" is repeated, which detracts from the overall variety.
- How to improve: To enhance the range of structures, consider using different conjunctions and transitional phrases to connect ideas. For instance, instead of repeatedly using "This is because," you could use "This stems from," "This can be attributed to," or "This is largely influenced by." Additionally, incorporating more varied sentence openings, such as starting with adverbial phrases or using inversion, can add complexity and interest to the writing.
Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:
- Detailed explanation: The essay generally maintains a good level of grammatical accuracy, but there are some noticeable errors. For instance, the phrase "resulting in the fact that it makes people be under enormous pressure" is awkward and could be simplified to "resulting in enormous pressure on people." Additionally, punctuation is mostly correct, but there are areas where commas could enhance clarity, such as before "which may exaggerate the focus on exterior physical appearance" to separate the clause more clearly.
- How to improve: To improve grammatical accuracy, focus on simplifying complex phrases and ensuring clarity. Reviewing subject-verb agreement and verb forms is also essential; for example, "resulting in dissatisfaction or additional sugeries" should be corrected to "resulting in dissatisfaction or additional surgeries." Regular practice with grammar exercises and reviewing common grammatical structures can help solidify these skills. Additionally, consider reading more academic essays to observe correct punctuation usage and sentence structure.

In summary, while the essay demonstrates a solid command of grammatical range and accuracy, focusing on diversifying sentence structures and refining grammatical precision will help elevate the writing to a higher band score.

Bài sửa mẫu

It is common to observe that many individuals are enhancing their physical appearance by undergoing cosmetic surgery. This essay will first discuss the reasons behind this phenomenon and then argue that it is more of a negative development.

There are two major reasons why this trend is happening. One primary motivation for people seeking surgical interventions is often their desire to adhere to social beauty standards. This is due to the widespread influence of mass media and technology, which may exaggerate the focus on external physical appearance, putting people under immense pressure to meet these standards. Therefore, they tend to choose cosmetic procedures. Another main reason is associated with the advancement of technology, making these procedures more affordable and accessible for those who want to undergo physical transformations. For example, thanks to the widespread use of photo-editing applications, people may appear more attractive when posting on social platforms like Facebook and Instagram.

Despite the potential benefits, such as enhancing looks and satisfaction with one’s appearance, one significant issue is that it may generate a culture of superficiality. This can be explained by the fact that people have an inclination to excessively focus on external beauty, neglecting essential human qualities such as personality traits or abilities. This focus can lead to lowering self-esteem among individuals who do not conform to societal beauty standards. Additionally, it may be related to complications, as surgeries may carry physical risks such as infections or scarring, resulting in dissatisfaction or additional surgeries.

To sum up, the rise in the number of people undergoing cosmetic surgery can be attributed to the pressure to conform to social beauty standards and the increased accessibility of these procedures. From my viewpoint, a superficial community and potential physical risks make this development largely negative.