WRITING TASK 2 You should spend about 40 minutes on this task. Write about the following topic: Many people try to achieve success through their career or education. What can success mean to different people? What is your view of success? Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge and experience. Write at least 250 words.
WRITING TASK 2
You should spend about 40 minutes on this task.
Write about the following topic:
Many people try to achieve success through their career or education.
What can success mean to different people?
What is your view of success?
Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge and experience.
Write at least 250 words.
Many people strive to achieve a successful life. However, success is a very vague concept which may mean different things to different people. This essay will consider success with regards to the workplace, family, and finally personal achievements.
For many people, success is primarily measured though their career. For some people, this is measured in the monetary value of their salary; if they earn more than someone else they are more successful. However, others disregard this view and argue that if you are working in a job that you do not enjoy then you cannot be considered a success, regardless of your income. Instead you need to consider job satisfaction and professional achievement. For example, teachers who have helped many people achieve their goals or other workers who have successfully realised a project or other target that they had.
Another important indicator of success may be the family. Raising and providing for a family is an important goal for many people. In this case success can be measured in how satisfied your family are with close bonds between family members being more important than financial indicators.
A final aspect is that of personal achievement. We all have goals and dreams which we would like to achieve. These dreams are very diverse and vary from person to person. For example, some people may wish to travel the world; others compete in a marathon, or write a book. By achieving these things we are accomplishing targets and would feel immensely successful.
In conclusion, people may see success on either a professional or more personal level. I would argue that success is individual for everybody but that for me, it is a mix of all of the different things described above.
Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng
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"Many people strive to achieve a successful life." -> "Many individuals aim to attain a successful life."
Explanation: Replacing "strive" with "aim" and "people" with "individuals" refines the tone to be more formal and precise, suitable for academic writing. -
"success is a very vague concept" -> "success is a concept that is inherently ambiguous"
Explanation: The phrase "inherently ambiguous" is more precise and academically appropriate than "very vague," which is somewhat informal and vague itself. -
"success with regards to" -> "success in terms of"
Explanation: "In terms of" is a more formal and precise prepositional phrase than "with regards to," which is somewhat redundant and less commonly used in formal writing. -
"measured though their career" -> "measured through their careers"
Explanation: Correcting "though" to "through" fixes a grammatical error, and using "careers" instead of "career" broadens the scope to include multiple professions. -
"if they earn more than someone else they are more successful" -> "if they earn more than others, they are considered more successful"
Explanation: Adding "others" clarifies the comparison, and "considered more successful" is a more formal way to express the comparative aspect. -
"you cannot be considered a success" -> "one cannot be considered successful"
Explanation: "One" is a more formal pronoun than "you," and "successful" is the correct adjective form to match "success." -
"job satisfaction and professional achievement" -> "job satisfaction and professional accomplishments"
Explanation: "Accomplishments" is a more precise term than "achievement," which is somewhat vague and less specific. -
"Raising and providing for a family" -> "raising and supporting a family"
Explanation: "Supporting" is a more encompassing term than "providing for," which is somewhat narrow and outdated. -
"how satisfied your family are" -> "the satisfaction of your family"
Explanation: "The satisfaction of your family" is a more formal and grammatically correct expression than "how satisfied your family are." -
"close bonds between family members being more important than financial indicators" -> "strong familial bonds being more significant than financial indicators"
Explanation: "Strong familial bonds" is a more precise and formal way to describe close relationships within a family, and "significant" is preferred over "important" for academic writing. -
"We all have goals and dreams which we would like to achieve." -> "We all have goals and aspirations that we seek to achieve."
Explanation: "Aspirations" is a more formal synonym for "dreams," and "seek to achieve" is a more formal way to express intent than "would like to achieve." -
"By achieving these things we are accomplishing targets and would feel immensely successful." -> "By achieving these goals, we are fulfilling our objectives and would feel profoundly successful."
Explanation: "Fulfilling our objectives" is more precise and formal than "accomplishing targets," and "profoundly" is a more academic adverb than "immensely." -
"people may see success on either a professional or more personal level" -> "individuals may perceive success on either a professional or personal level"
Explanation: "Perceive" is a more precise verb than "see," and "individuals" is preferred over "people" for formal writing.
Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 7
Band Score for Task Response: 7
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Answer All Parts of the Question:
- Detailed explanation: The essay effectively addresses the prompt by exploring the meaning of success from different perspectives: career, family, and personal achievements. Each section provides a distinct viewpoint, demonstrating an understanding of the multifaceted nature of success. However, while the essay identifies these aspects, it could benefit from a more explicit connection to the question regarding what success means to different people, particularly in the introduction and conclusion.
- How to improve: To enhance the response, the writer should ensure that each part of the question is explicitly referenced. For instance, the introduction could briefly outline what success means to different people before delving into the specific areas. Additionally, the conclusion could summarize these varied definitions more clearly, reinforcing the diversity of perspectives on success.
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Present a Clear Position Throughout:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents a clear position that success is subjective and varies from person to person. The writer states their view in the conclusion, indicating that success encompasses multiple dimensions. However, the position could be more consistently reinforced throughout the essay, as the discussion sometimes shifts focus without clearly linking back to the central argument.
- How to improve: To maintain a clearer position, the writer should explicitly state their viewpoint at the beginning of each paragraph and connect back to it at the end. This could involve reiterating the idea that success is subjective in each section, thereby reinforcing the overall argument throughout the essay.
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Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents a variety of ideas related to success, such as career satisfaction, family bonds, and personal achievements. Each idea is supported with examples, which helps to illustrate the points made. However, some examples could be more developed to provide deeper insight into how they relate to the concept of success.
- How to improve: To improve the support for ideas, the writer should aim to elaborate on examples. For instance, when discussing career success, they could provide a specific example of a profession that exemplifies job satisfaction over salary. This would not only strengthen the argument but also engage the reader more effectively.
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Stay on Topic:
- Detailed explanation: The essay generally stays on topic, focusing on the various interpretations of success. However, there are moments where the discussion could be more tightly aligned with the prompt. For example, the mention of personal achievements could be more explicitly tied back to how these achievements are perceived as success by different individuals.
- How to improve: To maintain focus, the writer should ensure that each paragraph explicitly relates back to the concept of success as defined in the prompt. This could involve using transitional phrases that link back to the main question, ensuring that every point made contributes to answering what success means to different people.
Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 8
Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 8
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Organize Information Logically:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents a clear and logical organization of ideas. It begins with a general statement about success, followed by a structured exploration of different perspectives on success: workplace, family, and personal achievements. Each paragraph focuses on a distinct aspect, which helps the reader follow the argument easily. For instance, the transition from discussing career success to family success is smooth, maintaining a coherent flow of ideas. The conclusion effectively summarizes the main points while reiterating the author’s personal view.
- How to improve: To enhance logical organization, the author could consider adding transitional phrases at the beginning of each paragraph to signal shifts in focus more explicitly. For example, starting the paragraph on family success with "In addition to career achievements, many individuals also measure success through their family life" would create a clearer connection between ideas.
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Use Paragraphs:
- Detailed explanation: The essay effectively uses paragraphs to separate different ideas, which aids in readability and comprehension. Each paragraph is well-structured, with a clear topic sentence that introduces the main idea, followed by supporting details and examples. However, the second paragraph could benefit from clearer separation of ideas, as it currently mixes the concepts of monetary success and job satisfaction without a distinct transition.
- How to improve: To improve paragraph structure, the author could break the second paragraph into two distinct paragraphs: one focusing on monetary success and the other on job satisfaction. This would allow for a more in-depth exploration of each concept and provide a clearer distinction between the two views.
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Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a good use of cohesive devices, such as "however," "instead," and "for example," which help to connect ideas and clarify relationships between them. These devices enhance the flow of the essay and guide the reader through the argument. However, the range of cohesive devices could be expanded to avoid repetition and improve overall coherence.
- How to improve: To diversify the use of cohesive devices, the author could incorporate additional linking phrases such as "on the other hand," "furthermore," and "in contrast." For instance, when transitioning from discussing career success to family success, using "Moreover" or "Additionally" could strengthen the connection between the two ideas and enhance the overall cohesiveness of the essay.
Overall, the essay demonstrates a strong command of coherence and cohesion, with clear organization and effective use of paragraphs and cohesive devices. By implementing the suggested improvements, the author could further elevate the clarity and logical flow of their argument.
Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6
Band Score for Lexical Resource: 6
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Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a reasonable range of vocabulary, particularly in discussing concepts of success. Phrases like "monetary value," "job satisfaction," and "personal achievement" show an attempt to use varied vocabulary. However, there are instances of repetition, such as the use of "success" and "successful" multiple times without synonyms or varied expressions, which limits the lexical range.
- How to improve: To enhance vocabulary range, the writer should incorporate synonyms and related terms. For instance, instead of repeating "success," they could use alternatives like "achievement," "accomplishment," or "prosperity." Additionally, using more descriptive adjectives (e.g., "fulfilling" instead of just "successful") can enrich the essay’s language.
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Use Vocabulary Precisely:
- Detailed explanation: The essay generally uses vocabulary appropriately, but there are moments of imprecision. For example, the phrase "if you are working in a job that you do not enjoy then you cannot be considered a success" could be more nuanced. The term "considered a success" is vague and could be clarified to reflect the subjective nature of success more accurately.
- How to improve: The writer should focus on using vocabulary that conveys their ideas more precisely. Instead of saying "cannot be considered a success," they might say "may not feel fulfilled" or "might not achieve personal satisfaction." This change would provide a clearer understanding of the argument being made.
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Use Correct Spelling:
- Detailed explanation: The essay contains a few spelling errors, such as "though" instead of "through" in the phrase "measured though their career." Such errors can detract from the overall quality of the writing and may confuse the reader.
- How to improve: To improve spelling accuracy, the writer should proofread their work carefully. Utilizing tools like spell checkers and reading the essay aloud can help catch errors. Additionally, practicing spelling common academic vocabulary can build confidence and reduce mistakes in future essays.
Overall, while the essay meets the basic requirements for lexical resource, there is room for improvement in vocabulary range, precision, and spelling accuracy. By addressing these areas, the writer can enhance the clarity and sophistication of their writing.
Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 7
Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 7
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Use a Wide Range of Structures:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a good variety of sentence structures, including simple, compound, and complex sentences. For instance, the use of conditional clauses in "if you are working in a job that you do not enjoy then you cannot be considered a success" showcases an effective complex structure. Additionally, the essay employs introductory phrases such as "For many people" and "Another important indicator," which help in organizing thoughts clearly. However, there are instances where the sentence variety could be enhanced; for example, the repeated use of "For some people" and "others" could be diversified to avoid redundancy.
- How to improve: To further diversify sentence structures, consider incorporating more varied introductory phrases and clauses. For example, instead of starting multiple sentences with "For some people," you could use alternatives like "In the eyes of many," or "According to certain perspectives." Additionally, experimenting with more complex sentences that include relative clauses or participial phrases could enhance the overall sophistication of the writing.
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Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:
- Detailed explanation: The essay generally demonstrates a solid command of grammar and punctuation, with few errors. For instance, the use of commas is mostly accurate, as seen in the phrase "raising and providing for a family," where the conjunction "and" correctly links two gerunds. However, there are some grammatical inaccuracies, such as "success can be measured in how satisfied your family are," where "family" should be treated as a singular collective noun, thus requiring "your family is." Additionally, the phrase "realised a project or other target that they had" could be clearer; the verb "realised" is somewhat ambiguous in this context.
- How to improve: To improve grammatical accuracy, pay close attention to subject-verb agreement, especially with collective nouns. Reviewing the rules for singular and plural forms can help avoid such errors. Furthermore, ensure clarity in verb usage; consider replacing "realised" with "completed" or "achieved" to convey the intended meaning more effectively. Regular practice with grammar exercises focusing on common pitfalls can also be beneficial.
In summary, while the essay demonstrates a commendable level of grammatical range and accuracy, focusing on diversifying sentence structures and refining grammatical precision will help elevate the writing to a higher band score.
Bài sửa mẫu
Many people strive to achieve a successful life. However, success is a very vague concept that may mean different things to different people. This essay will consider success in terms of the workplace, family, and finally personal achievements.
For many people, success is primarily measured through their career. For some, this is measured in the monetary value of their salary; if they earn more than someone else, they are considered more successful. However, others disregard this view and argue that if you are working in a job that you do not enjoy, then you cannot be considered successful, regardless of your income. Instead, one needs to consider job satisfaction and professional accomplishments. For example, teachers who have helped many people achieve their goals or other workers who have successfully realized a project or target that they had.
Another important indicator of success may be family. Raising and supporting a family is an important goal for many people. In this case, success can be measured by how satisfied your family is, with strong familial bonds being more significant than financial indicators.
A final aspect is that of personal achievement. We all have goals and dreams that we would like to achieve. These dreams are very diverse and vary from person to person. For example, some people may wish to travel the world; others may want to compete in a marathon or write a book. By achieving these things, we are fulfilling our objectives and would feel profoundly successful.
In conclusion, people may perceive success on either a professional or more personal level. I would argue that success is individual for everybody, but for me, it is a mix of all the different things described above.
