WRITING TASK 2 You should spend about 40 minutes on this task. Write about the following topic: Some species of animals are almost extinct; and many others seem to be fast approaching a similar risk. What are the reasons for this? What should be done to solve this problem? Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge and experience. Write at least 250 words.
WRITING TASK 2
You should spend about 40 minutes on this task.
Write about the following topic:
Some species of animals are almost extinct; and many others seem to be fast approaching a similar risk. What are the reasons for this? What should be done to solve this problem?
Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge and experience.
Write at least 250 words.
In an era where environmental problems are under much scrutiny, many reports show that various types of animals are on the verge of becoming extinct or under such threat. In my opinion, this phenomenon is caused by human greed and climate change, and can be dealt with if we resort to education.
As stated above, there are two reasons contributing to animal extinction. First of all, it is mankind's insatiable desire to make profits at the expense of animals. Over the last century, we have wiped out numerous rare and extremely rare animals all over the globe for short-term financial gains and this trend may continue to progress uncontrollably. Furthermore, climate change on Mother Nature's side is a likely contributor to the disappearance of animals. The causes of climate change are currently under heavy debate; however, climate change undoubtedly is wreaking havoc on animals by depriving them of their habitats and creating wild fluctuations in weather and temperatures.
In order to mitigate the issue of animal extinction, I suggest that we regard education as the ideal long-term measures. Especially, educational infrastructure should be put in places where local people have no choice but to hunt animals, so that they realize there are other options to move forward in life without sacrificing animals. Consequently, these people will make up the main force that fights against other people's greed for animals and helps alleviate the problem of climate change at the same time.
To sum up, mankind's greedy nature and climate change are the driving forces behind the threat of extinction to animals. It's time we treated education as the main solution to this pressing issue.
Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng
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"In an era where" -> "In the contemporary era"
Explanation: "In the contemporary era" is a more formal and precise way to introduce a discussion about current times, enhancing the academic tone of the essay. -
"many reports show" -> "numerous studies indicate"
Explanation: "Numerous studies indicate" is more specific and academically appropriate than "many reports show," which is somewhat vague and informal. -
"on the verge of becoming extinct or under such threat" -> "at risk of extinction or facing extinction"
Explanation: "At risk of extinction or facing extinction" is a more precise and formal way to express the threat to animal populations. -
"human greed" -> "human avarice"
Explanation: "Avarice" is a more formal and precise term than "greed," which is somewhat colloquial and less specific in an academic context. -
"can be dealt with if we resort to education" -> "can be addressed through education"
Explanation: "Can be addressed through education" is a more formal and direct way to express the potential solution, avoiding the casual tone of "resort to." -
"First of all" -> "Firstly"
Explanation: "Firstly" is a more formal transitional phrase suitable for academic writing compared to the colloquial "First of all." -
"we have wiped out" -> "we have extirpated"
Explanation: "Extirpated" is a more formal and precise term than "wiped out," which is somewhat informal and imprecise in this context. -
"short-term financial gains" -> "short-term financial benefits"
Explanation: "Financial benefits" is a more neutral and formal term than "financial gains," which can imply a negative connotation. -
"Mother Nature’s side" -> "the natural environment"
Explanation: "The natural environment" is a more formal and scientifically accurate term than "Mother Nature," which is colloquial and anthropomorphic. -
"depriving them of their habitats" -> "disrupting their habitats"
Explanation: "Disrupting their habitats" is a more precise and scientifically accurate term than "depriving them of their habitats," which is somewhat vague. -
"put in places" -> "established"
Explanation: "Established" is a more formal and precise term than "put in places," which is too informal and vague. -
"have no choice but to hunt animals" -> "are compelled to hunt animals"
Explanation: "Are compelled to hunt animals" is more formal and precise, conveying a sense of necessity and obligation. -
"make up the main force" -> "constitute the primary force"
Explanation: "Constitute the primary force" is more formal and academically appropriate than "make up the main force." -
"greedy nature" -> "greed"
Explanation: "Greed" is a more concise and formal term than "greedy nature," which is somewhat redundant and informal. -
"It’s time we treated" -> "It is imperative that we address"
Explanation: "It is imperative that we address" is a more formal and forceful expression than "It’s time we treated," which is conversational and lacks authority.
Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 7
Band Score for Task Response: 7
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Answer All Parts of the Question:
- Detailed explanation: The essay effectively addresses both parts of the prompt by identifying the reasons for animal extinction—human greed and climate change—and proposing a solution through education. The writer clearly articulates these points in the introduction and develops them in the body paragraphs. However, while the reasons are mentioned, the essay could benefit from a more detailed exploration of specific examples or statistics to strengthen the argument.
- How to improve: To enhance the response, the writer should include specific examples of endangered species or statistics on extinction rates to substantiate claims. Additionally, discussing more than one solution could provide a more comprehensive answer, as the prompt asks for what should be done to solve the problem.
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Present a Clear Position Throughout:
- Detailed explanation: The essay maintains a clear position that human greed and climate change are the primary causes of animal extinction, and education is the proposed solution. This position is consistent throughout the essay, with the writer reiterating their views in the conclusion. However, the phrase "can be dealt with if we resort to education" could be interpreted as somewhat vague, which may weaken the overall clarity of the stance.
- How to improve: The writer should aim for more assertive language when presenting their position. Instead of "can be dealt with," they might say "can be effectively addressed through comprehensive educational initiatives." This would enhance the clarity and strength of their argument.
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Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents ideas clearly, with each paragraph focusing on a specific aspect of the argument. The reasons for extinction are logically extended with explanations, but the support for these ideas is somewhat lacking. For instance, while the writer mentions the impact of climate change, they do not provide specific examples of how this affects particular species or ecosystems.
- How to improve: To improve the development of ideas, the writer should include specific examples or case studies that illustrate the impact of human activities and climate change on animal populations. Additionally, discussing how education can be implemented practically would provide more depth to the proposed solution.
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Stay on Topic:
- Detailed explanation: The essay remains focused on the topic of animal extinction and the reasons behind it, as well as potential solutions. There are no significant deviations from the topic, and the writer maintains relevance throughout. However, the discussion of education as a solution could be expanded to ensure it directly addresses the complexities of the problem.
- How to improve: To maintain focus and relevance, the writer should ensure that every point made directly ties back to the prompt. Expanding on how education can specifically combat the issues of greed and climate change, perhaps by providing examples of successful educational programs, would enhance the essay’s relevance and depth.
Overall, while the essay demonstrates a good understanding of the topic and presents a clear argument, incorporating specific examples and expanding on the proposed solutions would elevate the response to a higher band score.
Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 7
Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 7
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Organize Information Logically:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents a clear structure with an introduction, body paragraphs, and a conclusion. The introduction effectively outlines the main points that will be discussed, namely human greed and climate change as causes of animal extinction. Each body paragraph focuses on one main idea, which contributes to the overall logical flow. For instance, the first body paragraph discusses human greed, while the second addresses climate change. However, the transition between the discussion of causes and solutions could be smoother, as the shift from discussing the problems to the proposed solution feels abrupt.
- How to improve: To enhance logical flow, consider using transitional phrases that explicitly connect the causes to the solutions. For example, after discussing the causes, a sentence like "Given these pressing issues, it is crucial to explore effective solutions" could serve as a bridge to the next paragraph.
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Use Paragraphs:
- Detailed explanation: The essay utilizes paragraphs effectively, with each paragraph focusing on a specific aspect of the topic. The first paragraph introduces the issue, the second elaborates on the causes, and the third proposes a solution. This clear separation aids readability. However, the paragraphs could benefit from more detailed topic sentences that summarize the main idea of each paragraph, which would further clarify the structure for the reader.
- How to improve: Start each body paragraph with a clear topic sentence that encapsulates the main point. For example, the first body paragraph could begin with, "One significant factor contributing to animal extinction is human greed," which would immediately inform the reader of the paragraph’s focus.
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Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:
- Detailed explanation: The essay employs a variety of cohesive devices, such as "first of all," "furthermore," and "to sum up," which help to connect ideas and guide the reader through the argument. However, the use of cohesive devices is somewhat limited, and there are instances where the connections between sentences could be strengthened. For example, the phrase "as stated above" in the second paragraph could be replaced with a more specific reference to the previous point for clarity.
- How to improve: To diversify and enhance the use of cohesive devices, consider incorporating a wider range of linking words and phrases, such as "in addition," "consequently," and "for instance." Additionally, ensure that each cohesive device is used appropriately to maintain clarity. For example, instead of "as stated above," you could say, "As previously mentioned regarding human greed,…" to create a more explicit connection to earlier points.
By addressing these areas, the essay can achieve a higher level of coherence and cohesion, ultimately leading to an improved band score.
Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6
Band Score for Lexical Resource: 6
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Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a reasonable range of vocabulary related to the topic of animal extinction, such as "extinct," "insatiable desire," "financial gains," and "habitats." However, the vocabulary used is somewhat repetitive and lacks variation. For instance, the phrase "animal extinction" appears multiple times without synonyms or paraphrasing, which could enhance the lexical variety.
- How to improve: To improve, the writer should incorporate synonyms and related terms to avoid redundancy. For example, instead of repeatedly using "extinct," they could use "endangered," "vanishing," or "threatened." Additionally, using phrases like "biodiversity loss" or "species decline" can add depth to the vocabulary.
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Use Vocabulary Precisely:
- Detailed explanation: The essay generally uses vocabulary accurately, but there are instances where word choice could be more precise. For example, the phrase "wreaking havoc on animals" could be seen as overly dramatic and vague. Instead, more specific terms could clarify the impact of climate change on animal populations.
- How to improve: To enhance precision, the writer should aim for clarity in their word choices. For instance, instead of "wreaking havoc," they could say "disrupting ecosystems" or "endangering species." This specificity helps convey the message more effectively and demonstrates a stronger command of vocabulary.
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Use Correct Spelling:
- Detailed explanation: The essay contains a few spelling errors, such as "mankind’s" which is correctly spelled but could be more effectively presented as "humankind" for a more modern and inclusive tone. Overall, the spelling is mostly accurate, but the essay does not showcase a high level of spelling complexity.
- How to improve: To improve spelling accuracy, the writer should engage in regular practice with spelling exercises and utilize tools like spell checkers. Additionally, reading more academic texts can help familiarize them with correct spellings and enhance their overall writing skills.
In summary, while the essay meets the basic requirements for lexical resource, there is significant room for improvement in terms of vocabulary range, precision, and spelling accuracy. By incorporating a wider variety of vocabulary, choosing words more carefully, and practicing spelling, the writer can enhance their score in this criterion.
Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 7
Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 7
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Use a Wide Range of Structures:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a good variety of sentence structures, including complex and compound sentences. For example, the use of "In an era where environmental problems are under much scrutiny" effectively introduces the topic with a complex structure. Additionally, the sentence "First of all, it is mankind’s insatiable desire to make profits at the expense of animals" showcases a clear main clause with a subordinate clause. However, there is a tendency to rely on a few sentence patterns, which can make the writing feel somewhat repetitive.
- How to improve: To enhance the range of structures, the writer could incorporate more varied introductory phrases and transition words. For instance, using participial phrases or conditional sentences could add depth. Instead of starting multiple sentences with "First of all," consider alternatives like "To begin with," or "One significant factor is." Additionally, varying the placement of clauses within sentences can create more dynamic sentence structures.
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Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:
- Detailed explanation: Overall, the essay displays a solid command of grammar and punctuation, with few noticeable errors. The use of commas is generally correct, as seen in "Furthermore, climate change on Mother Nature’s side is a likely contributor to the disappearance of animals." However, there are minor issues, such as the phrase "the ideal long-term measures," where "measures" should be singular to match "ideal." Additionally, the phrase "to mitigate the issue of animal extinction" could be more concise, perhaps rephrased as "to mitigate animal extinction."
- How to improve: To improve grammatical accuracy, the writer should carefully proofread their work to catch minor errors. Practicing the use of singular and plural forms correctly is essential, as is ensuring subject-verb agreement. Furthermore, the writer might benefit from reviewing punctuation rules, particularly regarding the use of commas in complex sentences. Engaging in exercises that focus on common grammatical pitfalls could also be beneficial.
In summary, while the essay demonstrates a good level of grammatical range and accuracy, there are opportunities for improvement in diversifying sentence structures and enhancing grammatical precision. By incorporating varied sentence types and refining grammatical skills, the writer can aim for an even higher band score in future essays.
Bài sửa mẫu
In the contemporary era where environmental problems are under much scrutiny, numerous studies indicate that various types of animals are on the verge of becoming extinct or facing such threats. In my opinion, this phenomenon is caused by human avarice and climate change, and it can be addressed through education.
As stated above, there are two reasons contributing to animal extinction. Firstly, it is mankind’s insatiable desire to make profits at the expense of animals. Over the last century, we have extirpated numerous rare and extremely rare animals all over the globe for short-term financial benefits, and this trend may continue to progress uncontrollably. Furthermore, climate change on Mother Nature’s side is a likely contributor to the disappearance of animals. The causes of climate change are currently under heavy debate; however, climate change undoubtedly wreaks havoc on animals by depriving them of their habitats and creating wild fluctuations in weather and temperatures.
In order to mitigate the issue of animal extinction, I suggest that we regard education as the ideal long-term measure. Especially, educational infrastructure should be established in places where local people are compelled to hunt animals, so that they realize there are other options to move forward in life without sacrificing animals. Consequently, these people will constitute the primary force that fights against others’ greed for animals and helps alleviate the problem of climate change at the same time.
To sum up, mankind’s greedy nature and climate change are the driving forces behind the threat of extinction to animals. It is imperative that we address education as the main solution to this pressing issue.
