you need to write an essay addressing the topic below: The government should invest in teaching science subjects rather than other subjects for a country's development and progress. To what extent do you agree or disagree? give reasons for your answer and include any relevant example form your own knowledge or experience
you need to write an essay addressing the topic below: The government should invest
in teaching science subjects rather than other subjects for a country's development and
progress. To what extent do you agree or disagree? give reasons for your answer and
include any relevant example form your own knowledge or experience
Today, the development of technology and society more and more developing. Many
countrys focus on economy to develop the country. The idea that the government should
invest in teaching science subjects rather than other subjects for a country's development
and progress. In my opinion , i don’t believe about it because of the following reasons.
First, it’s make lack of social and service employees. When the government invest in
teaching science subjects, many people will choose science subjects instead of social
subjects when they choose subjects for their future. For example, schools lack social teacher
but the workforce don’t have it and science teacher can’t teach student enough. Maybe in
the future , we won’t have enough labor for services like travel, music,…
Secondly, many people can’t develop their talent. When sciences subjects is more
respectful than social subjects, people believe that only sciences bring to them opportunity to
career, salary, life…but it’s not completely true because we have many ways to have it if we
work hard . Especially, children who need the support of their parents to develop their growth
potential can’t help them because they think science is better so children’s talent will be
ignored. Maybe , the parent just want to their children have a good future but it is’ not work,
you knows: don’t force fish to climb trees.
In conclusion, the government should invest both in science subject and other subjects
for a country's development.
Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng
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"Today, the development of technology and society more and more developing." -> "Today, technological advancements and societal developments are increasingly prominent."
Explanation: The original phrase is grammatically incorrect and awkward. The revised version corrects the grammar and uses more formal language suitable for academic writing. -
"Many countrys focus on economy to develop the country." -> "Many countries focus on economic development to enhance national growth."
Explanation: "Countrys" is a typographical error and should be "countries." Additionally, "focus on economy" is vague and informal; "economic development" is more precise and formal. -
"The idea that the government should invest in teaching science subjects rather than other subjects for a country’s development and progress." -> "The notion that governments should prioritize investing in science education over other subjects for national development and progress."
Explanation: "The idea" is somewhat informal and vague; "the notion" is more precise and formal. Also, "should invest in teaching" is redundant; "prioritize investing in" is more direct and formal. -
"In my opinion, i don’t believe about it" -> "I do not concur with this perspective"
Explanation: The original sentence is grammatically incorrect and informal. The revised version corrects the grammar and uses more formal language. -
"it’s make lack of social and service employees" -> "it leads to a shortage of social and service professionals"
Explanation: "it’s make lack of" is grammatically incorrect and awkward. "Leads to a shortage of" is grammatically correct and more formal. -
"many people will choose science subjects instead of social subjects when they choose subjects for their future" -> "many individuals will opt for science subjects over social subjects when selecting their future courses"
Explanation: "many people" is informal; "many individuals" is more formal. "Opt for" and "selecting their future courses" are more precise and formal than "choose subjects for their future." -
"Maybe in the future, we won’t have enough labor for services like travel, music,…" -> "Perhaps in the future, we may face a shortage of labor in sectors such as travel and music"
Explanation: "Maybe" is informal; "perhaps" is more suitable for academic writing. "We won’t have enough labor" is informal; "we may face a shortage of labor" is more precise and formal. -
"many people can’t develop their talent" -> "many individuals may not fully develop their talents"
Explanation: "can’t" is too informal and direct; "may not fully develop" is more formal and nuanced. -
"When sciences subjects is more respectful than social subjects" -> "When science subjects are considered more prestigious than social subjects"
Explanation: "sciences subjects" is grammatically incorrect; "science subjects" is correct. "Is more respectful" is vague and informal; "are considered more prestigious" is precise and formal. -
"it’s not completely true" -> "this is not entirely accurate"
Explanation: "it’s" is a contraction; "this is" is more formal. "Not completely true" is informal; "not entirely accurate" is more precise. -
"we have many ways to have it if we work hard" -> "there are numerous avenues to achieve this through diligence"
Explanation: "we have many ways to have it" is vague and informal; "there are numerous avenues to achieve this through diligence" is more precise and formal. -
"the parent just want to their children have a good future" -> "parents simply wish for their children to have a bright future"
Explanation: "the parent" is grammatically incorrect; "parents" is correct. "Just want to their children have" is awkward and informal; "wish for their children to have" is grammatically correct and formal. -
"you knows: don’t force fish to climb trees" -> "it is said: do not force fish to climb trees"
Explanation: "you knows" is informal and incorrect; "it is said" is more formal. The idiom "don’t force fish to climb trees" is colloquial and should be avoided in academic writing.
Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 6
Band Score for Task Response: 6
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Answer All Parts of the Question:
- Detailed explanation: The essay addresses the prompt by presenting a clear opinion against the idea that the government should prioritize investment in science subjects over others. However, it does not fully explore the extent of agreement or disagreement as required by the task. The response mentions the importance of social subjects but lacks a balanced discussion of the benefits of investing in science, which is crucial to address the prompt adequately. For instance, while the essay argues that focusing solely on science can lead to a lack of social professionals, it does not acknowledge any potential benefits of prioritizing science education.
- How to improve: To enhance the response, the writer should explicitly state their position on the extent of agreement or disagreement. They could include a brief discussion of the merits of science education, perhaps acknowledging that while science is important, a balanced approach is necessary for comprehensive development. This would demonstrate a deeper understanding of the prompt and provide a more nuanced answer.
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Present a Clear Position Throughout:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents a position against prioritizing science education, but the clarity of this position is somewhat undermined by the phrasing and structure. Phrases like "I don’t believe about it" are vague and could be more assertively stated. Additionally, the essay’s conclusion suggests a compromise, which may confuse readers regarding the writer’s true stance.
- How to improve: The writer should strive for clearer and more assertive language when stating their position. Instead of saying "I don’t believe about it," they could say, "I strongly disagree with the notion that the government should solely invest in science education." Consistency in tone and clarity in the position will help reinforce the argument throughout the essay.
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Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents some ideas regarding the drawbacks of focusing on science subjects, such as the potential shortage of social professionals and the neglect of individual talents. However, these ideas are not well-developed or supported with sufficient evidence. For example, the argument about the lack of social teachers lacks specific examples or data to substantiate the claim, which weakens the overall argument.
- How to improve: To improve this aspect, the writer should aim to provide more detailed examples and evidence to support their claims. This could include statistics about workforce needs or anecdotal evidence from personal experience that illustrates the importance of a balanced education. Additionally, expanding on each point with more depth and clarity will strengthen the overall argument.
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Stay on Topic:
- Detailed explanation: The essay generally stays on topic, discussing the implications of prioritizing science education over other subjects. However, some sentences are convoluted and may distract from the main argument. For instance, the metaphor about fish climbing trees, while colorful, may confuse readers and detract from the essay’s focus.
- How to improve: The writer should aim for clearer and more direct language that stays focused on the main argument. Avoiding overly complex metaphors or tangential ideas will help maintain clarity and relevance. Each paragraph should clearly relate back to the main thesis, ensuring that all content serves to reinforce the central argument.
In summary, while the essay demonstrates an understanding of the prompt and presents a position, it requires more depth, clarity, and support to achieve a higher band score. Focusing on a balanced discussion, clearer language, and well-supported arguments will significantly enhance the quality of the response.
Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 6
Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 6
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Organize Information Logically:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents a clear stance against the idea that the government should prioritize teaching science subjects over others. However, the organization of ideas lacks clarity and logical progression. For instance, the introduction states the author’s opinion but does not clearly outline the main points that will be discussed. The body paragraphs introduce relevant arguments but do so in a somewhat disjointed manner. The transition between the two main points is abrupt, which can confuse the reader about how these ideas relate to the overall argument.
- How to improve: To enhance logical organization, the author should start with a clearer thesis statement that outlines the main arguments. Each body paragraph should begin with a topic sentence that summarizes the point being made, followed by supporting details. Additionally, using linking phrases such as "firstly," "secondly," and "finally" can help guide the reader through the essay’s structure.
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Use Paragraphs:
- Detailed explanation: The essay uses paragraphs, but their effectiveness is limited. The first paragraph serves as an introduction, while the subsequent paragraphs attempt to present arguments. However, the second paragraph combines multiple ideas without clear separation, making it difficult for the reader to follow. The conclusion is present but does not effectively summarize the main points or reinforce the thesis.
- How to improve: To improve paragraphing, the author should ensure that each paragraph focuses on a single main idea. For example, the first body paragraph could be dedicated entirely to the impact of prioritizing science on the workforce, while the second could focus on the potential neglect of individual talents. Each paragraph should also include a concluding sentence that ties back to the main argument, reinforcing the overall coherence of the essay.
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Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates some use of cohesive devices, such as "first" and "secondly," but these are limited and often not used effectively. The transitions between ideas are sometimes abrupt, which disrupts the flow of the essay. For instance, the phrase "but it is’ not work, you knows" is informal and lacks clarity, which detracts from the overall cohesiveness of the argument.
- How to improve: To diversify and effectively use cohesive devices, the author should incorporate a wider range of linking words and phrases, such as "however," "in addition," "furthermore," and "consequently." These can help clarify relationships between ideas and improve the overall flow of the essay. Additionally, ensuring that sentences are grammatically correct and clear will enhance cohesion. For example, rephrasing informal expressions and ensuring proper subject-verb agreement will strengthen the essay’s coherence.
By addressing these areas for improvement, the author can enhance the coherence and cohesion of their essay, potentially leading to a higher band score in future assessments.
Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6
Band Score for Lexical Resource: 6
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Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a reasonable range of vocabulary, but it is somewhat limited and repetitive. Terms such as "develop," "science subjects," and "social subjects" recur frequently without sufficient variation. For instance, the phrase "the government should invest in teaching science subjects" is repeated without synonyms or alternative expressions, which could enhance the richness of the vocabulary. Additionally, phrases like "lack of social and service employees" could be more varied to avoid redundancy.
- How to improve: To improve lexical range, the writer should incorporate synonyms and related terms. For example, instead of repeatedly using "science subjects," alternatives like "STEM fields" or "scientific disciplines" could be employed. Similarly, varying the expression of "development" with terms like "advancement," "progress," or "growth" would enhance the essay’s vocabulary diversity.
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Use Vocabulary Precisely:
- Detailed explanation: There are instances of imprecise vocabulary usage that detract from the clarity of the argument. For example, the phrase "the idea that the government should invest in teaching science subjects rather than other subjects for a country’s development and progress" is vague and could be more direct. Additionally, the expression "it’s make lack of social and service employees" is grammatically incorrect and semantically unclear, leading to confusion about the intended meaning.
- How to improve: To enhance precision, the writer should focus on using vocabulary that accurately conveys their intended meaning. For instance, instead of saying "it’s make lack of," a clearer phrase would be "this leads to a shortage of." Furthermore, ensuring that phrases are grammatically correct will improve clarity and precision. The writer should also consider using more specific terms related to their arguments, such as "human resources" instead of "service employees."
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Use Correct Spelling:
- Detailed explanation: The essay contains several spelling errors, such as "countrys" (should be "countries"), "it’s" (should be "it leads to"), and "teacher" (should be pluralized to "teachers" in some contexts). These errors can distract the reader and undermine the overall professionalism of the writing.
- How to improve: To improve spelling accuracy, the writer should engage in regular proofreading and utilize tools such as spell checkers. Additionally, practicing writing and reviewing common spelling rules can help. Keeping a list of frequently misspelled words and revisiting them can also be beneficial. Reading more extensively can expose the writer to correct spellings in context, reinforcing their learning.
In summary, while the essay demonstrates a foundational understanding of vocabulary, there is significant room for improvement in terms of range, precision, and spelling accuracy. By diversifying vocabulary, ensuring precise usage, and focusing on spelling, the writer can enhance their lexical resource and overall essay quality.
Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 5
Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 5
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Use a Wide Range of Structures:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a limited range of sentence structures. Most sentences are simple or compound, lacking complexity. For instance, phrases like "the development of technology and society more and more developing" and "the government should invest in teaching science subjects rather than other subjects" are straightforward but do not showcase varied grammatical forms. There are attempts at complex sentences, such as "When the government invest in teaching science subjects, many people will choose science subjects instead of social subjects," but they are not well-constructed and often lead to confusion.
- How to improve: To enhance the range of structures, the writer should incorporate more complex sentences, such as those using relative clauses (e.g., "Students who choose science often overlook the importance of social subjects"). Additionally, varying sentence beginnings and using different conjunctions can help create a more dynamic flow. Practicing sentence transformation exercises and reading diverse academic texts can provide exposure to varied structures.
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Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:
- Detailed explanation: The essay contains several grammatical errors and punctuation issues that detract from clarity. For example, "countrys" should be "countries," and "it’s make lack of social and service employees" is grammatically incorrect; it should be "it creates a lack of social and service employees." Punctuation errors, such as the unnecessary space before commas and the incorrect use of "i" instead of "I," further weaken the overall quality. The phrase "it is’ not work" is also incorrect; it should be "it does not work."
- How to improve: To improve grammatical accuracy, the writer should focus on subject-verb agreement, proper noun forms, and the correct use of articles. Regular grammar exercises, particularly focusing on common errors identified in the essay, can be beneficial. For punctuation, practicing the rules regarding commas, periods, and capitalization will help. Reading essays or articles and paying attention to punctuation can also reinforce correct usage.
In summary, while the essay presents a clear opinion, the grammatical range and accuracy need significant improvement. Focusing on diversifying sentence structures and enhancing grammatical and punctuation accuracy will help elevate the essay’s overall quality.
Bài sửa mẫu
Today, the development of technology and society is becoming increasingly prominent. Many countries focus on economic growth to enhance national progress. The notion that the government should prioritize investing in teaching science subjects over other subjects for a country’s development is a contentious one. In my opinion, I do not concur with this perspective for several reasons.
First, it leads to a shortage of social and service professionals. When the government invests heavily in teaching science subjects, many individuals will opt for science courses instead of social subjects when selecting their future paths. For example, schools may find themselves lacking social studies teachers, while the workforce may not have enough professionals in essential service areas. Consequently, science teachers may not be able to adequately educate students in these fields. Perhaps in the future, we may face a shortage of labor in sectors such as travel and music.
Secondly, many individuals may not fully develop their talents. When science subjects are considered more prestigious than social subjects, people often believe that only science can provide them with career opportunities, high salaries, and a successful life. However, this is not entirely accurate, as there are numerous avenues to achieve success through diligence in various fields. Especially for children who require the support of their parents to develop their potential, they may not receive the encouragement they need if their parents prioritize science over social subjects. Parents simply wish for their children to have a bright future, but this approach may overlook other valuable talents. It is said: do not force fish to climb trees.
In conclusion, the government should invest in both science subjects and other subjects for a country’s development. A balanced approach will ensure that all talents are nurtured and that society has a diverse range of professionals to meet its needs.
