You should spend about 20 minutes on this task. The chart and graph below give information about three categories of workers in Australia and the unemployment levels within those groups. Summarise the information by selecting and reporting the main features, and make comparisons where relevant. Write at least 150 words.
You should spend about 20 minutes on this task.
The chart and graph below give information about three categories of workers in Australia and the unemployment levels within those groups.
Summarise the information by selecting and reporting the main features, and make comparisons where relevant.
Write at least 150 words.
The pie chart portrays the percentage of workers according to three distinct places of birth in 2003 while the line graph depicts the jobless rate in Australia between 1993 and 2003.
From an overall perspective, it is evident from the pie chart that the workforce born in Australia predominated whereas ESC workers accounted for the lowest percentage. Regarding the line graph, downward trends were witnessed in all categories of employees
It is discernible that employees born in Australia prevailed with 76 %, 7 times as much as the remaining categories. However, NESC and ESC were comparable at around one-tenth of total with the former generating 14% and the latter only 10%.
Looking at the line graph, the majority of unemployment was workers from NESC, occupied roughly 7% in the first year before declining to 3%
in 1998. In subsequent years, it continuously increased by 1% trailing behind fluctuating around 3%. Despite having the least employees working in Australia
ESC people started at nearly 4% and experienced a decrease of 3% in 2003. In terms of Australian figures, exactly 4 % of employees were recorded in the beginning year followed by declining by half in the last year after reaching 3% in 1995
Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng
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"predominated" -> "dominated"
Explanation: "Dominating" is a stronger and more precise term to convey the idea of being the most prevalent or influential. -
"witnessed" -> "observed"
Explanation: "Observed" is a more formal and appropriate term in this context, aligning better with academic or analytical writing. -
"comparable" -> "similar"
Explanation: "Similar" is a more straightforward and concise term to express the idea of being alike or equivalent. -
"trailing behind" -> "lagging"
Explanation: "Lagging" is a more precise term to indicate falling behind or moving at a slower pace compared to others. -
"experienced a decrease of" -> "saw a decline of"
Explanation: "Saw a decline of" is a more active and direct phrase to describe a decrease in something. -
"recorded in the beginning year" -> "initially recorded"
Explanation: "Initially recorded" is a more precise way to convey that something was recorded at the start or commencement of a period. -
"declining by half" -> "halving"
Explanation: "Halving" is a more concise and specific term to describe a reduction by half. -
"after reaching" -> "upon reaching"
Explanation: "Upon reaching" signifies a specific point in time when something occurred, adding clarity to the sequence of events.
Band điểm Task Achivement ước lượng: 6
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Band Score: 6
Explanation: The essay addresses the task requirements, presenting a general overview with information that is appropriately selected. The pie chart and line graph are described, with key features and trends highlighted, although the clarity and accuracy of some details could be improved. The description of the pie chart and line graph is generally accurate, but the flow and coherence of the information could be enhanced.
How to improve: To achieve a higher band score, the essay could provide more detailed explanations and ensure a clearer presentation of key features. Clarify the trends in the line graph and the specific comparisons between the categories of workers. Consistency in terminology and smoother transitions between different sections of the report would also strengthen the overall coherence and readability of the response.
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Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 7
Band Score: 7
Explanation:
The essay demonstrates a logical organization of information and ideas with a clear progression throughout, aligning with the requirements for a Band 7 score. The student uses a range of cohesive devices effectively, such as "from an overall perspective" and "regarding," which help to clearly demarcate different sections of the analysis related to the pie chart and the line graph. Each paragraph presents a clear central topic, which further contributes to the overall coherence and cohesion of the essay.
However, there are instances of slight over-use and some mechanical application of cohesive devices, which interrupts the natural flow of the text slightly. For example, the transition between the description of the pie chart and the line graph could be smoother, as the essay jumps between the descriptions with a somewhat abrupt link. The essay mostly adheres to logical paragraphing, although some points could be further elaborated within their respective paragraphs to enhance clarity and depth.
How to improve:
To move towards a higher band, the student should focus on enhancing the natural flow of information by varying the cohesive devices and ensuring that each transition is as seamless as possible. Instead of just stating observations, linking these observations back to the main topic more fluidly would help in maintaining a reader’s attention and improving the essay’s overall readability. Furthermore, providing more detailed analysis and explanations within paragraphs would help in elaborating on key points, making the essay more engaging and comprehensive. Finally, ensuring a smoother connection between the data presented and the concluding remarks within each paragraph would also enhance the cohesion and coherence of the essay.
Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6
Band Score: 6.0
Explanation: The essay demonstrates an adequate range of vocabulary for the task, with attempts to use less common vocabulary. The writer utilizes varied terms such as "predominated," "prevailed," "comparable," and "fluctuating." However, there are instances of inaccuracy in word choice and some awkward phrasing, such as "occupied roughly 7%" instead of "accounted for roughly 7%." Additionally, there are errors in word formation, such as "ESC people," which could be improved to "individuals born outside Australia" for clarity and precision.
How to improve: To enhance the lexical resource, focus on using less common vocabulary accurately and precisely. Instead of "ESC people," consider alternative phrases like "individuals from ESC backgrounds" or "those born in ESC regions." Additionally, pay attention to word formation and phrasing to ensure clarity and coherence throughout the essay.
Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 6
Band Score: 6.0
Explanation: The essay demonstrates a mix of simple and complex sentence forms. There is an attempt to vary sentence structures, but some sentences lack complexity and are repetitive. Grammar and punctuation errors are present but do not significantly hinder communication. The essay provides an overview of the data presented in the chart and graph, with some accurate descriptions of trends.
How to improve: To improve the grammatical range and accuracy, focus on using a wider variety of sentence structures and ensure consistency in complexity throughout the essay. Pay attention to subject-verb agreement and sentence clarity. Proofread carefully to eliminate grammatical errors and improve punctuation usage. Additionally, strive for more precise vocabulary and clearer connections between ideas to enhance coherence and cohesion.
Bài sửa mẫu
The provided data consists of a pie chart illustrating the distribution of workers based on their birthplace in Australia in 2003, alongside a line graph representing the unemployment rates across different categories of workers from 1993 to 2003.
In broad terms, the pie chart indicates a predominance of Australian-born workers in the workforce, while workers from ESC (Elsewhere Classified) comprise the smallest proportion. Specifically, Australian-born workers constitute the majority at 76%, significantly higher than both NESC (Non-English Speaking Countries) and ESC workers, each representing approximately one-tenth of the total workforce, with NESC at 14% and ESC at 10%.
Examining the line graph, it is notable that unemployment rates experienced downward trends across all categories of workers. Initially, NESC workers faced the highest unemployment rate, starting at around 7% in 1993 and gradually declining to approximately 3% by 1998. Subsequently, the rate fluctuated around 3% in the following years. ESC workers, despite constituting a smaller portion of the workforce, began with an unemployment rate of nearly 4% and saw a decrease to 1% by 2003. Meanwhile, Australian-born workers started with a 4% unemployment rate, which halved by 1995 and remained stable thereafter, reaching 3% by 2003.
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