You should spend about 20 minutes on this task. The table below gives information about student enrolments at Bristol University in 1928, 1958 and 2008. Summarise the information by selecting and reporting the main features, and make comparisons where relevant. Write at least 150 words.

You should spend about 20 minutes on this task.
The table below gives information about student enrolments at Bristol University in 1928, 1958 and 2008.
Summarise the information by selecting and reporting the main features, and make comparisons where relevant.
Write at least 150 words.

The given table represents the proportion of Bristol University student enrolments in 3 different years in 1928, 1958 and 2008. Overall, during this period, Bristol University increased significantly in the percentage of females while the figure for males decreased. However, the percentage of students enrolling at Bristol University who came from within 30 miles of Bristol dropped significantly whereas that of overseas pumped up.

In 1928, the percentage of new students, female students, and students who came from overseas were 218, 42 and 5% respectively after 30 years, the group of new students rose significantly to 1046, and the proportion of students who came from overseas rose slightly to 6% whereas the group of female dropped sharply to 32%, however, these group increased dramatically to 54% in 2008, the most increase belongs to the group of new students and students who came from overseas with a significant increase to 6377 and 28% respectively.

In contrast, the data show the proportion of registers that came from within 30 miles of Bristol decreased sharply over the whole period accounting for 50% in 1928, and fell to 14% in 1958 before dropping to 1.5% in 2008. While the percentage of male students accounted for 58% in 2008 after 30 years, with an increasing 10% of registers in 1958 before it fell slightly to 46% in 2008

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Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

1. "the given table" -> "the table provided"
   Explanation: "The table provided" is more formal and precise, aligning better with academic style by specifying the source of the information.

2. "Bristol University student enrolments" -> "student enrollment at Bristol University"
   Explanation: "Student enrollment" is the correct term in academic contexts, and placing "at" before "Bristol University" clarifies the location of the enrollment.

3. "increased significantly" -> "experienced a significant increase"
   Explanation: "Experienced a significant increase" is more formal and precise, enhancing the academic tone by using a more structured phrase.

4. "pumped up" -> "increased"
   Explanation: "Pumped up" is too informal and colloquial for academic writing; "increased" is straightforward and appropriate for formal contexts.

5. "rose significantly" -> "increased significantly"
   Explanation: Consistency in verb usage is important in formal writing; "increased" is more commonly used in academic texts than "rose."

6. "dropped sharply" -> "decreased significantly"
   Explanation: "Decreased significantly" is more formal and precise than "dropped sharply," which can be seen as too colloquial for academic writing.

7. "these group" -> "these groups"
   Explanation: "Groups" should be plural to match the plural subject "students."

8. "the most increase belongs to" -> "the greatest increase was in"
   Explanation: "The greatest increase was in" is more formal and grammatically correct, improving clarity and formality.

9. "rose slightly" -> "increased slightly"
   Explanation: "Increased" is more commonly used in academic contexts than "rose," which can be seen as less formal.

10. "dropped sharply" -> "decreased significantly"
    Explanation: Again, "decreased significantly" is more formal and precise than "dropped sharply."

11. "registers that came from" -> "students who came from"
    Explanation: "Registers" is not the correct term in this context; "students" is the appropriate noun to use when referring to individuals enrolled at the university.

12. "accounting for" -> "accounted for"
    Explanation: "Accounted for" is the correct past tense form needed in this context, indicating the change over time.

These changes enhance the formality, precision, and clarity of the text, aligning it more closely with academic writing standards.

Band điểm Task Achivement ước lượng: 5

Band Score: 5

Explanation: The essay attempts to address the task by providing an overview of the main features of the table. However, the overview is not clear and the information is not appropriately selected. The essay also presents some key features/bullet points, but the details are irrelevant, inappropriate, or inaccurate. For example, the essay states that the percentage of students who came from overseas rose slightly to 6% in 1958, but the table shows that it rose to 14%.

How to improve: The essay could be improved by providing a clearer overview of the main features of the table. The essay should also focus on the most important information and avoid irrelevant details. The essay should also be more accurate in its presentation of the data. For example, the essay should not state that the percentage of students who came from overseas rose slightly to 6% in 1958, but should instead state that it rose to 14%.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 5

Band Score: 5.0
Explanation: The essay presents information with some organization, but there is a lack of overall progression. While it attempts to summarize the data and make comparisons, the logical flow is disrupted by awkward phrasing and unclear references. The use of cohesive devices is inadequate and at times inaccurate, leading to confusion. Additionally, the paragraphing is not effectively structured, which detracts from the overall coherence of the essay.
How to improve: To enhance coherence and cohesion, the writer should focus on organizing ideas more logically and ensuring a clear progression throughout the essay. This can be achieved by using a variety of cohesive devices appropriately and avoiding repetitive phrases. Improving paragraph structure by clearly defining topics within each paragraph and ensuring that each paragraph flows logically into the next will also help. Additionally, practicing clear referencing and substitution will reduce confusion and enhance clarity.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6.0
Explanation: The essay demonstrates an adequate range of vocabulary appropriate for the task. It attempts to use less common vocabulary, such as "proportion," "enrolments," and "dramatically," but there are inaccuracies in word choice and collocation, such as "the most increase belongs to" and "pumped up." While the vocabulary used allows for communication of the main ideas, some errors in word formation and spelling (e.g., "registers" instead of "registrations") are present, which may cause minor confusion for the reader. Overall, the essay meets the criteria for Band 6 as it adequately conveys the information but lacks the precision and sophistication required for a higher score.

How to improve: To enhance the Lexical Resource score, the writer should focus on using a wider range of vocabulary with more precision. This can be achieved by practicing the use of synonyms and more sophisticated phrases, ensuring that word choices are contextually appropriate. Additionally, careful proofreading for spelling and word formation errors will help improve clarity. Engaging with academic texts and expanding vocabulary through reading can also contribute to a more nuanced and varied lexical range.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 5

Band Score: 5.0
Explanation: The essay demonstrates a limited range of grammatical structures, primarily using simple sentences with some attempts at complex forms. However, there are frequent grammatical errors, particularly in subject-verb agreement and punctuation, which can cause confusion for the reader. For example, phrases like "the most increase belongs to the group of new students" and "the percentage of male students accounted for 58% in 2008 after 30 years" exhibit awkward constructions and inaccuracies. Additionally, the use of "pumped up" is informal and inappropriate for an academic context. Overall, while the essay conveys some information, the errors detract from the clarity and effectiveness of the communication.

How to improve: To enhance the grammatical range and accuracy, the writer should focus on the following areas:

1. Variety of Sentence Structures: Incorporate more complex sentence forms and ensure that they are used accurately. For example, using relative clauses or conditional sentences can add variety.
2. Error Correction: Review and revise sentences for grammatical correctness, especially focusing on subject-verb agreement and proper punctuation.
3. Academic Language: Use more formal vocabulary and expressions to suit the academic context, avoiding colloquial phrases like "pumped up."
4. Proofreading: Spend time proofreading the essay to catch and correct any minor errors that may occur, ensuring that the majority of sentences are error-free.

Bài sửa mẫu

The given table represents the proportion of student enrolments at Bristol University in three different years: 1928, 1958, and 2008. Overall, during this period, Bristol University saw a significant increase in the percentage of female students, while the figure for male students decreased. However, the percentage of students enrolling at Bristol University who came from within 30 miles of Bristol dropped significantly, whereas that of overseas students rose markedly.

In 1928, the percentage of new students, female students, and students who came from overseas were 218, 42, and 5%, respectively. After 30 years, the number of new students rose significantly to 1,046, and the proportion of students who came from overseas increased slightly to 6%. In contrast, the percentage of female students dropped sharply to 32%. However, this group increased dramatically to 54% in 2008, with the most significant increases observed in the number of new students and the proportion of overseas students, which rose to 6,377 and 28%, respectively.

In contrast, the data show that the proportion of students who came from within 30 miles of Bristol decreased sharply over the entire period, accounting for 50% in 1928, falling to 14% in 1958, and dropping further to 1.5% in 2008. Meanwhile, the percentage of male students accounted for 58% in 1928, increased by 10% in 1958, before falling slightly to 46% in 2008.