You should spend about 40 minutes on this task. Write about the following topic. In certain nations, parents have high academic expectations for their children, resulting in limited leisure time. What could be the potential benefits and drawbacks of this for the children and the society they are part of? Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge and experience. Write at least 250 words

You should spend about 40 minutes on this task. Write about the following topic.
In certain nations, parents have high academic expectations for their children, resulting in limited leisure time.
What could be the potential benefits and drawbacks of this for the children and the society they are part of?
Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge and experience. Write at least 250 words

There is a general notion that teenagers are as known as the future of the nation. It is argued that in many cities, particularly, lots of large urban areas have a high standard of education and economy, children have a tendency to have a sustainable limit of break time, badly they do not have. The reason for this issue is that they are given a great amount of academic hope from their parents, consequently, the parents play a strict role in diminishing their spare time. This essay will discuss both the merits and the demerits of this trend.

On the positive side, the depletion of the youngsters’ free time brings a great deal of beneficial outcomes in their educational development. For instance, having a significant amount of time helps students pay close attention to studying for a long time, leading to having the ability to cope with lots of assignments and have a good preparation for lessons in their class. Through this process, students are clearly capable of paving the path on their perfect studying performance at the end of the course as well as the future that will be expected. In additionally, minimizing the rest time prevents teenagers from many chances to expose to some activities that waste the amount of time, for example, spending excessive hours on surfing on many unuseful and negative websites on the network platforms such as youtube, tiktok, instagram and so forth… As a result, the society will become more comparative and more advanced than others.

On the other hand, despite these numerous benefits, there are still many adverse effects that are regarded as barriers on the evolution of youngsters’ communication and physics in the society. In this case, teenagers have the difficulty in having enough time to hang out to interact with their friends and build their relationships, resulting in a poor social life and other problems involved in mental health. Furthermore, their physical stamina probably hits the dramatically lowest situation since the muscles are not trained regularly, linking with the degradation of their body. Hence, it has an obstructive impact on the young generation and their community.

To sum up, parents’ requirements overload their kids will do damage to the growth of the brain which gains a numerous amount of knowledge about outside life and make children lose necessary things in their youth.

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Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

1. "as known as" -> "also known as"
   Explanation: "As known as" is grammatically incorrect. "Also known as" is the correct phrase for introducing an alternative name or description, which is more appropriate in formal academic writing.

2. "particularly, lots of large urban areas" -> "particularly, many large urban areas"
   Explanation: "Lots of" is informal and vague; "many" is more precise and formal. Removing the comma after "particularly" corrects the punctuation error.

3. "have a tendency to have a sustainable limit of break time, badly they do not have" -> "tend to have limited break time, unfortunately, they do not have"
   Explanation: "Have a tendency to have a sustainable limit of break time" is awkward and unclear. "Tend to have limited break time" simplifies and clarifies the statement. "Badly" is replaced with "unfortunately" to maintain a formal tone.

4. "given a great amount of academic hope" -> "placed under significant academic pressure"
   Explanation: "Given a great amount of academic hope" is unclear and unnatural. "Placed under significant academic pressure" accurately describes the situation and is more specific.

5. "play a strict role in diminishing their spare time" -> "exercise strict control over their free time"
   Explanation: "Play a strict role in diminishing" is awkward and vague. "Exercise strict control over" is more direct and appropriate for formal writing.

6. "having the ability to cope with lots of assignments" -> "being able to manage numerous assignments"
   Explanation: "Having the ability to cope with lots of" is verbose and informal. "Being able to manage numerous" is more concise and formal.

7. "paving the path on their perfect studying performance" -> "laying the groundwork for their excellent academic performance"
   Explanation: "Paving the path on their perfect studying performance" is awkward and unclear. "Laying the groundwork for their excellent academic performance" is clearer and more formal.

8. "In additionally" -> "Additionally"
   Explanation: "In additionally" is grammatically incorrect. "Additionally" is the correct adverbial form.

9. "expose to some activities" -> "expose them to certain activities"
   Explanation: "Expose to" is grammatically incorrect. "Expose them to" corrects the verb agreement and adds clarity.

10. "spending excessive hours on surfing on many unuseful and negative websites" -> "spending excessive hours surfing numerous useless and negative websites"
    Explanation: "On surfing on" is redundant and informal. "Surfing numerous useless and negative websites" simplifies and formalizes the phrase.

11. "comparative and more advanced than others" -> "more comparable and advanced than others"
    Explanation: "Comparative" is not the correct term here; "comparable" is the appropriate adjective. "More advanced" is redundant with "comparable," so "advanced" is sufficient.

12. "hits the dramatically lowest situation" -> "reaches a dramatically low point"
    Explanation: "Hits the dramatically lowest situation" is awkward and unclear. "Reaches a dramatically low point" is more precise and formal.

13. "obstructive impact on the young generation" -> "adverse impact on the young generation"
    Explanation: "Obstructive" is not typically used in this context; "adverse" is the correct term for describing negative effects.

14. "overload their kids will do damage to the growth of the brain" -> "overburdening their children may hinder brain development"
    Explanation: "Overload their kids will do damage to the growth of the brain" is informal and unclear. "Overburdening their children may hinder brain development" is more precise and formal.

15. "a numerous amount of knowledge" -> "a significant amount of knowledge"
    Explanation: "A numerous amount" is incorrect; "a significant amount" is the correct phrase for quantifying knowledge.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 5

Band Score for Task Response: 5

• Answer All Parts of the Question:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay attempts to discuss both the potential benefits and drawbacks of parents having high academic expectations for their children, which aligns with the prompt. It touches upon the impact on educational development, social life, and physical health.
  • How to improve: To enhance this aspect, the essay could provide more specific examples or case studies illustrating how these high academic expectations manifest in different societies and cultures. Additionally, a clearer structure could ensure each aspect (benefits and drawbacks) is addressed in equal depth.

• Present a Clear Position Throughout:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay maintains a clear position that high academic expectations from parents lead to both positive and negative consequences for children and society. This stance is evident from the introduction to the conclusion.
  • How to improve: While the stance is clear, improving consistency in how each point is supported throughout the body paragraphs would strengthen the essay. Ensuring each paragraph directly relates back to the essay’s position would help in achieving this clarity.

• Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:

  • Detailed explanation: Ideas are presented with some clarity, such as the benefits of improved academic performance and the drawbacks related to social and physical development. However, some ideas lack development and specific examples.
  • How to improve: To enhance this criterion, the essay should provide more detailed examples and elaborate further on each idea presented. This could involve citing specific studies or statistics that support the arguments made.

• Stay on Topic:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay generally stays on topic by discussing the effects of high academic expectations on children’s leisure time, educational performance, social life, and physical health.
  • How to improve: To improve coherence, ensure that each paragraph directly relates to the topic of the impact of parental expectations on children’s lives. Avoid generalizations or tangential discussions that do not directly contribute to answering the prompt.

In summary, while the essay effectively addresses the key aspects of the prompt and maintains a clear stance throughout, there are opportunities for improvement in providing more specific examples, enhancing the development of ideas, and ensuring all parts of the prompt are comprehensively covered. By doing so, the essay can achieve a higher band score by demonstrating a deeper understanding and more thorough exploration of the topic.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 6

• Organize Information Logically:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a basic attempt at organization. It starts with an introduction discussing the issue of high academic expectations and limited leisure time. It then proceeds with separate paragraphs focusing on benefits and drawbacks, followed by a brief conclusion summarizing the points made. However, transitions between ideas are often abrupt, and some ideas lack clear development.
  • How to improve: To enhance logical flow, ensure each paragraph develops a single clear idea related to the topic sentence. Use transition words and phrases (e.g., "Furthermore", "On the other hand") to connect ideas more effectively. Consider a more structured approach, such as introducing the problem clearly, discussing benefits in one section, drawbacks in another, and concluding with a balanced summary.

• Use Paragraphs:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay attempts to use paragraphs, but they are uneven in length and effectiveness. Topic sentences are sometimes unclear, and there is inconsistency in maintaining a focused idea within each paragraph.
  • How to improve: Start each paragraph with a clear topic sentence that previews the main point of the paragraph. Develop this point coherently with supporting details and examples. Ensure paragraphs are roughly equal in length to maintain balance and readability throughout the essay.

• Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:

  • Detailed explanation: There is some attempt to use cohesive devices (e.g., "for instance", "on the positive side", "to sum up"), but their use is sporadic and repetitive. There is a lack of variety and precision in their application.
  • How to improve: Increase the variety of cohesive devices used (e.g., additionally, moreover, in contrast). Ensure each device connects ideas logically and enhances the flow between sentences and paragraphs. Avoid overusing certain phrases and focus on using them appropriately to improve clarity and coherence.

Overall, while the essay addresses the topic adequately and presents some coherent ideas, there is significant room for improvement in organizing information more logically, refining paragraph structure for clarity and focus, and diversifying the use of cohesive devices to enhance coherence and cohesion. These improvements can help elevate the essay to a higher band score by strengthening the overall structure and coherence of ideas presented.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 5

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 5

• Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a moderate range of vocabulary with attempts at varied expression. For example, synonyms like "teenagers" and "youngsters" are used interchangeably, showing a basic attempt to avoid repetition. However, there is a reliance on general vocabulary and some phrases lack precision or clarity, such as "the society will become more comparative and more advanced than others."
  • How to improve: To enhance vocabulary range, incorporate more specific and nuanced terms that are contextually appropriate. For instance, instead of "more comparative," consider "more competitive" or "more dynamic," depending on the intended meaning. Expand your use of academic vocabulary related to the topic of education and societal impact.

• Use Vocabulary Precisely:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay occasionally uses vocabulary with reasonable accuracy, but precision is inconsistent. For example, phrases like "a significant amount of time" are vague and could be more precise to convey specific periods or durations. There are also instances where vocabulary choices don’t fully capture the intended meaning, such as "the society will become more comparative."
  • How to improve: Focus on using words that precisely convey your intended meanings. Replace general terms with more specific ones wherever possible. For instance, instead of "a significant amount of time," specify "a substantial portion of their day" or "an extensive period," depending on the context. This will strengthen the essay’s clarity and depth of expression.

• Use Correct Spelling:

  • Detailed explanation: Spelling accuracy is generally adequate, with minor errors like "comparative" instead of "competitive" and "youtube" instead of "YouTube." These errors slightly affect readability but do not significantly detract from comprehension.
  • How to improve: To improve spelling accuracy, consider using spell-check tools and proofreading carefully. Pay attention to common mistakes like misspellings of proper nouns (e.g., YouTube) and homophones (e.g., "their" vs. "there"). Practicing writing with a focus on correct spelling will also help in the long run.

Overall, while the essay demonstrates potential with a sufficient range of vocabulary and adequate spelling, there is room for improvement in precision and clarity of expression. Enhancing these aspects will contribute to a more cohesive and impactful essay.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 5

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 5

• Use a Wide Range of Structures:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a reasonable attempt at using varied sentence structures. There is some variety, including simple, compound, and complex sentences. However, the essay primarily relies on basic sentence structures, which limits its overall range. For instance, "There is a general notion that teenagers are as known as the future of the nation" uses a basic sentence structure without complexity or sophistication.
  • How to improve: To enhance grammatical range, incorporate more complex sentence structures such as conditional sentences (e.g., "If parents prioritize academics, then children may have limited leisure time."), passive voice constructions (e.g., "Academic expectations from parents often result in reduced leisure opportunities for children."), and inversion (e.g., "Not only are children expected to excel academically, but they also face diminished leisure time."). This will add depth and sophistication to the essay, enhancing clarity and engagement.

• Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:

  • Detailed explanation: While the essay generally maintains coherence, there are notable instances of grammatical errors and inaccuracies. For example, "a sustainable limit of break time, badly they do not have" contains errors in subject-verb agreement and awkward phrasing. Additionally, punctuation errors are evident, such as missing commas in compound sentences and inconsistent use of capitalization.
  • How to improve: Focus on improving grammatical accuracy by carefully reviewing subject-verb agreement, ensuring consistent verb tense usage throughout the essay, and using commas appropriately to separate clauses and phrases. For instance, revise sentences like "They are given a great amount of academic hope from their parents, consequently, the parents play a strict role" to "Parents have high academic expectations for their children; consequently, they play a strict role in limiting their leisure time." This revision clarifies the relationship between ideas and corrects punctuation errors, contributing to clearer communication.

In conclusion, while the essay demonstrates some competency in grammatical range and accuracy, there is ample room for improvement. By incorporating more varied sentence structures and refining grammar and punctuation skills, the essay could achieve a higher band score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy in future assessments.

Bài sửa mẫu

There is a widespread belief that teenagers are pivotal for a nation’s future. It is argued that in many cities, particularly in large urban areas where education and the economy are highly developed, children tend to have limited leisure time. Unfortunately, they do not have enough downtime. The primary reason for this issue is that parents place significant academic expectations on them, leading to strict control over their free time. This essay will discuss both the advantages and disadvantages of this trend.

On the positive side, the reduction in youngsters’ free time yields several beneficial outcomes for their educational development. For example, having ample time enables students to concentrate on studying for extended periods, thereby managing numerous assignments and laying the groundwork for their excellent academic performance. Additionally, reducing leisure time prevents teenagers from engaging in activities that consume valuable time, such as spending excessive hours on unproductive and negative websites like YouTube, TikTok, Instagram, and others. Consequently, society becomes more competitive and advanced.

Conversely, despite these numerous benefits, there are significant adverse effects that hinder teenagers’ social and physical development within society. Due to limited leisure time, teenagers struggle to socialize with friends and build relationships, resulting in poorer social lives and potential mental health issues. Furthermore, their physical fitness may reach a dramatically low point as their muscles are not regularly exercised, contributing to overall physical decline. Hence, overburdening children may hinder brain development and cause them to miss out on essential aspects of their youth.

In conclusion, parents’ high expectations and strict control over their children’s time can have both positive and negative consequences. While it may enhance academic performance and productivity, it can also lead to social and physical drawbacks. Therefore, a balanced approach that considers both academic achievement and holistic development is crucial for the well-being of the younger generation and the society they are part of.