You should spend about 40 minutes on this task. Write about the following topic: In some countries, university students live at home, while in other countries, university students go to other cities rather than live with their family. Do you think the benefits of living away from home outweigh the disadvantages? Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience. Write at least 250 words.
You should spend about 40 minutes on this task.
Write about the following topic:
In some countries, university students live at home, while in other countries, university students go to other cities rather than live with their family.
Do you think the benefits of living away from home outweigh the disadvantages?
Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience.
Write at least 250 words.
In contemporary society, where should students choose to pursue academic development, whether they should study in their cities or move to other cities to access better pedagogical quality is a pressing concern. While some people believe that learners should be encouraged to accommodating far from their homes to foster independence and hone their practical skills, I strongly believe that these benefits are significantly outweighed by its downsides such as the potential engagement in crime when the supervision of their parents is absent and the the potential financial regression it can leads to.
On the one hand , there are some positive aspects that are associated with a solidarity life, avoiding the control of family by living far from them. The principal of this trend is that, when the accommodations of students are isolated with their family, it can foster a sense of independence. To be more specific, in this case, students have to manage their daily lives on their own, rather than relying on the support of family members, they have to complete household chores on their own, manage their finances properly to ensure they have enough money to buy groceries. This means, besides the progression of independence, students can also achieve enhancements in their fundamental skills like time and finance management, which are highly applicable in their future lives, mitigating the burdens they put on their parents.
However, the drawbacks of the matter are enormous, far outweighing the merits. One of the major issues is that with their inherently developing minds and curiosity, they could be easily attracted to participate in social issues such as drugs, alcohol and sex if they lack the supervision and reminders from their parents. For instance, according to Vietnam express children' development, 70% of juvenile crime in European countries is due to the inauguration and the scarcity of management from families to their children when they permit their child to live far away. Moreover, when students live in other places, resulting in another financial burden on their parents, which includes rent, food cost and energy consumption. As students could not have a stable job and reliable salary to pay for all of the fees so their families have to take this responsibility, therefore, students should live together with their families to save the living costs more effectively.
In conclusion, despite some visible advantages comes with the trend of living far distance from families, typically the enhanced essential life skills and the proliferation of independence, the demerits of this development significantly outweighs them as the risk of involvement in social issues and the potential financial strains and burdens for their families when students can have the ability to manage their budgets. Therefore, students are recommended living under the management of their families to shielded them away from social issues and litigate the financial stress in each house.
Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng
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"accommodating far from their homes" -> "living away from their homes"
Explanation: "Accommodating" is incorrectly used here. The correct term is "living," which accurately describes the action of residing in a different location. This change clarifies the intended meaning and aligns with formal academic language. -
"its downsides" -> "its disadvantages"
Explanation: "Downsides" is somewhat informal and vague. "Disadvantages" is more precise and appropriate for academic writing, clearly indicating the negative aspects being discussed. -
"the the potential financial regression it can leads to" -> "the potential financial regression it may lead to"
Explanation: The double "the" is a typographical error. Additionally, "may" is more appropriate than "can" in formal writing to indicate possibility, enhancing the academic tone. -
"On the one hand, there are some positive aspects that are associated with a solidarity life" -> "On the one hand, there are some positive aspects associated with a solitary life"
Explanation: Removing the comma after "hand" corrects a grammatical error. "Solidarity" is incorrectly used; "solitary" is the correct term to describe living alone. -
"avoiding the control of family by living far from them" -> "avoiding family control by living far from them"
Explanation: Simplifying "the control of family" to "family control" improves clarity and formality, as it directly addresses the entity being controlled. -
"the principal of this trend is that" -> "the principle of this trend is that"
Explanation: "Principal" is incorrectly used here; "principle" is the correct term, referring to the underlying idea or concept. -
"accommodations of students are isolated with their family" -> "students’ accommodations are isolated from their families"
Explanation: "Accommodations of students" is awkward and unclear. "Students’ accommodations" is more direct and grammatically correct, and "from" is the correct preposition to use with "isolated." -
"manage their finances properly to ensure they have enough money to buy groceries" -> "manage their finances effectively to ensure sufficient funds for groceries"
Explanation: "Properly" is somewhat informal and vague; "effectively" is more precise and formal. "Sufficient funds" is a more academic way to express having enough money. -
"the progression of independence" -> "the development of independence"
Explanation: "Progression" is not typically used to describe the growth of independence; "development" is more appropriate and commonly used in academic contexts. -
"the inauguration and the scarcity of management" -> "the lack of supervision and management"
Explanation: "Inauguration" is incorrectly used here; "supervision" is the correct term for the context of monitoring and guiding. "Scarcity" is also less formal; "lack" is more straightforward and suitable for academic writing. -
"resulting in another financial burden on their parents" -> "resulting in additional financial burdens for their parents"
Explanation: "Another financial burden" is somewhat informal and vague. "Additional financial burdens" is more precise and formal, indicating multiple burdens rather than just one. -
"students should live together with their families to save the living costs more effectively" -> "students should reside with their families to reduce living expenses more effectively"
Explanation: "Live together" is informal; "reside" is more formal. "Save the living costs" is awkward; "reduce living expenses" is clearer and more appropriate for formal writing. -
"shielded them away from social issues" -> "protect them from social issues"
Explanation: "Shielded them away from" is an awkward construction. "Protect them from" is grammatically correct and more direct, enhancing the formal tone. -
"litigate the financial stress in each house" -> "mitigate the financial stress within each household"
Explanation: "Litigate" is incorrectly used; "mitigate" is the correct term for reducing or alleviating stress. "House" is too informal; "household" is the correct term for a family unit in formal writing.
Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 7
Band Score for Task Response: 7
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Answer All Parts of the Question:
- Detailed explanation: The essay addresses the prompt by discussing both the benefits and disadvantages of living away from home for university students. The author presents a clear argument that the disadvantages outweigh the benefits. However, the discussion could be more balanced; while the disadvantages are elaborated upon, the benefits could use more concrete examples or a deeper exploration. For instance, the mention of independence is somewhat vague and could be strengthened with specific examples of how this independence manifests in students’ lives.
- How to improve: To enhance the response, the essay should include more detailed examples of the benefits of living away from home. For instance, discussing how independence can lead to personal growth or career opportunities would provide a more comprehensive view. Additionally, addressing potential counterarguments could enrich the discussion and demonstrate a more nuanced understanding of the topic.
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Present a Clear Position Throughout:
- Detailed explanation: The essay maintains a clear position that the disadvantages of living away from home outweigh the benefits. This stance is consistent throughout the essay, with the author reiterating their belief in the conclusion. However, the phrasing in some areas could be clearer. For example, the phrase "the potential engagement in crime when the supervision of their parents is absent" could be more directly linked to the main argument to avoid ambiguity.
- How to improve: To improve clarity, the author should ensure that each point directly supports the main argument. Using transitional phrases can help guide the reader through the argument more smoothly. Additionally, reinforcing the main position in each paragraph’s topic sentence would strengthen the overall coherence of the essay.
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Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents several ideas, such as independence and financial burdens, but they are not always extended or supported with sufficient detail. For example, while the essay mentions that living away can lead to involvement in social issues, it could benefit from more specific examples or statistics to substantiate this claim. The reference to juvenile crime in Europe is a good start, but it lacks context and a direct connection to the argument.
- How to improve: To effectively present and support ideas, the author should aim to elaborate on each point with relevant examples or data. For instance, providing a personal anecdote or a case study could illustrate the risks of living away from home more vividly. Additionally, integrating quotes or findings from reputable sources could lend credibility to the arguments made.
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Stay on Topic:
- Detailed explanation: The essay generally stays on topic, focusing on the pros and cons of living away from home. However, there are moments where the argument feels slightly disjointed, particularly in the transition between discussing independence and the risks of social issues. The mention of financial burdens is relevant but could be better integrated into the overall argument about independence and personal responsibility.
- How to improve: To maintain focus, the author should ensure that each paragraph clearly relates back to the main question of whether the benefits outweigh the disadvantages. Creating a clear outline before writing could help in organizing thoughts and ensuring that each point is directly relevant to the prompt. Additionally, using clear topic sentences that reflect the main argument can help keep the essay on track.
Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 7
Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 7
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Organize Information Logically:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents a clear argument regarding the benefits and drawbacks of students living away from home. The introduction sets the stage for the discussion, and the body paragraphs are organized to first present the advantages and then the disadvantages. However, the transition between ideas could be smoother. For instance, the shift from discussing independence to the potential dangers of living away from home feels abrupt. The use of phrases like "On the one hand" and "However" indicates an attempt to structure the argument, but the logical flow could be enhanced by more explicit connections between points.
- How to improve: To enhance logical organization, the writer should use transitional phrases that clearly link ideas within and between paragraphs. For example, after discussing the benefits of independence, a sentence could be added to summarize these points before transitioning to the drawbacks. Additionally, outlining the main points before writing could help in maintaining a coherent structure throughout the essay.
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Use Paragraphs:
- Detailed explanation: The essay contains distinct paragraphs that each focus on specific aspects of the argument. The first paragraph introduces the topic and states the writer’s position, while the subsequent paragraphs delve into the advantages and disadvantages. However, the paragraphs could be more evenly balanced. The second paragraph is longer and more detailed than the third, which may disrupt the overall balance of the essay.
- How to improve: To improve paragraphing, the writer should aim for a more balanced approach by ensuring that each paragraph contains a similar amount of detail and analysis. Breaking down longer paragraphs into smaller ones can also help maintain reader engagement and clarity. For instance, the second paragraph could be split into two: one focusing on independence and life skills, and the other on the financial implications.
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Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:
- Detailed explanation: The essay employs some cohesive devices, such as "On the one hand" and "However," which help in delineating contrasting points. However, the range of cohesive devices is somewhat limited, and the essay occasionally relies on repetitive phrases and structures. For example, the phrase "living far from home" is used multiple times, which could be varied to enhance the essay’s fluidity.
- How to improve: To diversify the use of cohesive devices, the writer should incorporate a wider range of linking words and phrases, such as "furthermore," "in addition," "conversely," and "for instance." Additionally, varying sentence structures and using synonyms can help avoid repetition and create a more engaging reading experience. For example, instead of repeatedly saying "living far from home," alternatives like "residing independently" or "studying in a different city" could be used.
Overall, while the essay demonstrates a solid understanding of the topic and presents a clear argument, improvements in logical flow, paragraph balance, and the use of cohesive devices could elevate the score in Coherence and Cohesion.
Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6
Band Score for Lexical Resource: 6
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Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a reasonable range of vocabulary, with terms like "academic development," "pedagogical quality," and "financial regression." However, the vocabulary is somewhat repetitive, particularly with phrases like "living far from home" and "independence." The use of "accommodating" is also a misapplication of the term, which should be "accommodating" or "living."
- How to improve: To enhance vocabulary range, the writer should incorporate synonyms and varied expressions. For instance, instead of repeating "living far from home," alternatives like "residing away from family" or "relocating for studies" could be used. Additionally, exploring more advanced vocabulary related to the topic, such as "autonomy" instead of "independence," could elevate the essay.
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Use Vocabulary Precisely:
- Detailed explanation: The essay contains instances of imprecise vocabulary usage. For example, the phrase "the potential engagement in crime" could be more accurately expressed as "the potential for engaging in criminal activities." The term "solidarity life" is unclear and seems to be a misinterpretation; "independent living" would be more appropriate.
- How to improve: To improve precision, the writer should focus on using vocabulary that accurately conveys the intended meaning. This can be achieved by revising sentences for clarity and ensuring that terms are used in their correct contexts. A careful review of word choices and their meanings can help avoid confusion.
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Use Correct Spelling:
- Detailed explanation: The essay contains several spelling errors, such as "the the" (should be "the"), "accommodating" (should be "accommodate"), and "shielded" (should be "shield"). These mistakes detract from the overall professionalism of the writing and can confuse the reader.
- How to improve: To enhance spelling accuracy, the writer should implement a proofreading strategy. This could include reading the essay aloud to catch errors or using spell-check tools. Additionally, practicing spelling common academic vocabulary can help reduce mistakes in future essays.
Overall, while the essay demonstrates a solid understanding of the topic and presents a clear argument, improvements in vocabulary range, precision, and spelling are necessary to achieve a higher band score in Lexical Resource.
Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 6
Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 6
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Use a Wide Range of Structures:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a moderate range of sentence structures, including simple, compound, and complex sentences. For instance, the use of complex sentences such as "while some people believe that learners should be encouraged to accommodating far from their homes to foster independence and hone their practical skills" shows an attempt to convey nuanced ideas. However, there are instances of awkward phrasing and grammatical errors that detract from clarity, such as "the the potential financial regression it can leads to," which contains a redundancy and incorrect verb form. The essay also relies heavily on certain structures, which can make the writing feel repetitive.
- How to improve: To diversify sentence structures, the writer should practice incorporating a variety of sentence types and lengths. For example, using more introductory phrases or clauses can enhance the complexity of the writing. Additionally, varying the use of transition words and phrases can help to create smoother connections between ideas. Engaging in exercises that focus on combining sentences or transforming simple sentences into complex ones can also be beneficial.
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Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:
- Detailed explanation: The essay contains several grammatical errors and punctuation issues that affect its overall clarity and coherence. For example, the phrase "the principal of this trend is that, when the accommodations of students are isolated with their family" is awkwardly constructed and could be clearer. There are also punctuation errors, such as the unnecessary space before the comma in "On the one hand , there are some positive aspects." Additionally, phrases like "the demerits of this development significantly outweighs them" contain subject-verb agreement errors, as "demerits" is plural and should be followed by "outweigh."
- How to improve: To improve grammatical accuracy, the writer should review fundamental grammar rules, particularly focusing on subject-verb agreement, verb forms, and sentence structure. Regular practice with grammar exercises can help reinforce these concepts. Additionally, proofreading the essay for punctuation errors and awkward phrasing can enhance clarity. Utilizing grammar-checking tools or seeking feedback from peers can also provide valuable insights into areas needing improvement.
In summary, while the essay demonstrates some strengths in attempting to use a range of sentence structures and convey complex ideas, there are notable weaknesses in grammatical accuracy and punctuation that hinder its effectiveness. By focusing on diversifying sentence structures and improving grammatical precision, the writer can enhance the overall quality of their writing.
Bài sửa mẫu
In contemporary society, the question of where students should pursue their academic development—whether in their home cities or in other cities to access better educational opportunities—has become a pressing concern. While some people believe that learners should be encouraged to live away from their homes to foster independence and develop practical skills, I strongly believe that these benefits are significantly outweighed by the disadvantages, such as the potential engagement in crime when parental supervision is absent and the potential financial regression it may lead to.
On the one hand, there are some positive aspects associated with a solitary life, particularly in avoiding family control by living far from them. The principle of this trend is that when students’ accommodations are isolated from their families, it can foster a sense of independence. Specifically, in this situation, students must manage their daily lives on their own, rather than relying on the support of family members. They must complete household chores independently and manage their finances properly to ensure they have enough money for groceries. This means that, in addition to developing independence, students can also enhance their fundamental skills, such as time and financial management, which are highly applicable in their future lives, thereby mitigating the burdens they place on their parents.
However, the drawbacks of this situation are substantial and far outweigh the merits. One major issue is that, with their inherently developing minds and curiosity, students could easily be drawn into social issues such as drugs, alcohol, and promiscuity if they lack supervision and guidance from their parents. For instance, according to Vietnam Express, 70% of juvenile crime in European countries is attributed to the lack of management from families when they allow their children to live far away. Moreover, when students live in other places, it results in additional financial burdens for their parents, which include rent, food costs, and energy consumption. As students often do not have stable jobs or reliable incomes to cover these expenses, their families must shoulder this responsibility. Therefore, students should ideally reside with their families to reduce living expenses more effectively.
In conclusion, despite some visible advantages associated with the trend of living away from families—such as the development of essential life skills and increased independence—the disadvantages significantly outweigh these benefits. The risks of involvement in social issues and the potential financial strain on families are considerable. Therefore, students are advised to live under the guidance of their families to protect them from social issues and mitigate the financial stress within each household.