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Young people are often influenced in their behaviors and situations by others of the same age. This is called “peer pressure”. Do the disadvantages of peer pressure outweigh the advantages?

Young people are often influenced in their behaviors and situations by others of the same age. This is called "peer pressure". Do the disadvantages of peer
pressure outweigh the advantages?

In the present era, the behavior of youngsters is often influenced and validated by their peers, a phenomenon commonly known as peer pressure. From my perspective, while this trend significantly contributes to the personal development of students, the potential consequences it may entail are worth considering more thoroughly.

While it is true that peer pressure can be beneficial for the younger generation due to the motivation they receive from one another, it is essential to acknowledge the potential drawbacks. Observing peers of the same age achieving greatness can inspire students to work harder and strive for similar success. For example, a student placed in a class with high-achieving peers is more likely to outperform than one surrounded by average classmates. Moreover, peer pressure encourages students to challenge their limitations by trying new things. Witnessing friends navigate new experiences can instill courage and confidence in students, allowing them to overcome fears and engage in similar activities. Consequently, students can learn valuable lessons and cultivate even stronger bonds through shared experiences with like-minded peers.

Despite these potential benefits, I remain convinced that the disadvantages of peer pressure should not be underestimated. Stress arising from comparisons among children can lead to low self-esteem, creating a significant gap and making them feel isolated. If the situation worsens, some may experience prolonged periods of depression, posing potential risks to their health, relationships, and future. Peer pressure, when excessive, can cause young individuals to experience excessive stress, worry, and melancholy. For instance, the pursuit of extreme hard work to match the accomplishments of their peers may prove counterproductive due to fatigue and mental health issues.

In conclusion, while peer pressure has its merits in motivating and encouraging the youth, it is crucial to recognize that the drawbacks outweigh the benefits significantly. The potential stress and negative impact on mental well-being make it imperative to approach peer pressure with caution, ensuring that its influence remains positive rather than detrimental to the development of young individuals.


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Errors and Improvements:

  1. "In the present era" -> "In the contemporary era"
    Explanation: "In the present era" is a bit informal; replacing it with "In the contemporary era" maintains formality and is more suitable for an academic context.

  2. "From my perspective" -> "From a critical standpoint"
    Explanation: "From my perspective" is a bit informal for an academic essay. Replacing it with "From a critical standpoint" adds a more formal and objective tone to the statement.

  3. "worth considering more thoroughly" -> "worthy of thorough consideration"
    Explanation: "worth considering more thoroughly" can be refined to "worthy of thorough consideration" for a more formal and concise expression.

  4. "it is essential to acknowledge" -> "it is imperative to recognize"
    Explanation: Replacing "it is essential to acknowledge" with "it is imperative to recognize" enhances the formality and strength of the statement.

  5. "Witnessing friends navigate new experiences" -> "Observing peers navigate novel situations"
    Explanation: "Witnessing friends navigate new experiences" is slightly informal. Replacing it with "Observing peers navigate novel situations" maintains clarity while using more formal language.

  6. "students can learn valuable lessons" -> "students can glean valuable insights"
    Explanation: "students can learn valuable lessons" can be refined to "students can glean valuable insights" for a more sophisticated expression.

  7. "Despite these potential benefits, I remain convinced" -> "Notwithstanding these potential advantages, I am firmly convinced"
    Explanation: "Despite these potential benefits, I remain convinced" is a bit informal. Replacing it with "Notwithstanding these potential advantages, I am firmly convinced" adds formality and precision.

  8. "low self-esteem" -> "diminished self-esteem"
    Explanation: "low self-esteem" can be replaced with "diminished self-esteem" for a more nuanced and formal expression.

  9. "posing potential risks" -> "posing inherent risks"
    Explanation: "posing potential risks" can be refined to "posing inherent risks" for a more precise and academic phrasing.

  10. "excessive stress, worry, and melancholy" -> "excessive stress, anxiety, and despondency"
    Explanation: Replacing "excessive stress, worry, and melancholy" with "excessive stress, anxiety, and despondency" uses more formal terms while maintaining the intended meaning.

  11. "ensuring that its influence remains positive rather than detrimental" -> "ensuring a positive influence rather than a detrimental one"
    Explanation: Simplifying "ensuring that its influence remains positive rather than detrimental" to "ensuring a positive influence rather than a detrimental one" maintains clarity while streamlining the expression.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 8

Band Score for Task Response: 8

  • Answer All Parts of the Question:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay adequately addresses all parts of the question. It discusses both the advantages and disadvantages of peer pressure, offering examples and insights. For instance, it acknowledges the motivational aspect of peer pressure but also highlights potential drawbacks such as stress and low self-esteem.
    • How to improve: To further enhance completeness, consider providing a brief preview in the introduction of the specific advantages and disadvantages that will be discussed. This will give the reader a clear roadmap of the essay’s structure.
  • Present a Clear Position Throughout:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay maintains a clear position throughout. The stance is established in the introduction ("while this trend significantly contributes to the personal development of students"), and this position is consistently upheld in the subsequent paragraphs.
    • How to improve: Continue reinforcing the main position by reiterating it in the conclusion. This helps leave a lasting impression on the reader and reinforces the key message.
  • Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay effectively presents, extends, and supports ideas. It offers examples (e.g., high-achieving peers motivating students, the potential stress and negative impact on mental well-being) to illustrate the points made.
    • How to improve: Consider providing additional examples or elaborating further on existing ones to enhance the depth of analysis. This will contribute to a more comprehensive exploration of the topic.
  • Stay on Topic:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay stays on topic by addressing the advantages and disadvantages of peer pressure without significant deviations. Each paragraph is focused on a specific aspect of the prompt.
    • How to improve: Be cautious of potential tangential discussions. While it’s essential to provide context and examples, ensure that they directly relate to the main theme of peer pressure to maintain focus.

In summary, the essay effectively addresses the prompt, maintaining a clear position, presenting ideas with relevant examples, and staying on topic. To further improve, consider enhancing the introductory structure, reinforcing the main position in the conclusion, providing additional examples, and being vigilant against tangential discussions.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 6

  • Organize Information Logically:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a generally logical organization. It starts with a clear introduction, followed by a balanced exploration of both advantages and disadvantages of peer pressure. The concluding paragraph effectively summarizes the main points. However, there are instances where the logical flow could be improved. For instance, the transition from discussing the benefits to drawbacks could be smoother to enhance overall coherence. Additionally, some ideas within paragraphs could be better connected to ensure a seamless progression of thoughts.
    • How to improve: To enhance logical organization, consider improving the transition between contrasting ideas. Use transition words or phrases to guide the reader through shifts in focus. Review each paragraph’s opening and closing sentences to ensure a clear connection between ideas, fostering a more coherent structure.
  • Use Paragraphs:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay is divided into paragraphs, each addressing a specific aspect of the prompt. However, there is room for improvement in terms of paragraph structure. While each paragraph generally focuses on a single point, a more consistent topic sentence approach could strengthen the overall structure. Additionally, some paragraphs could benefit from further development to provide more depth and context.
    • How to improve: Ensure each paragraph begins with a clear topic sentence that previews the main idea. Develop each point within the paragraph, providing supporting details and examples. This will contribute to a more cohesive and well-structured essay. Consider the balance of paragraph length to maintain consistency throughout the essay.
  • Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay employs a variety of cohesive devices, such as transitional words and phrases (e.g., "while," "moreover," "despite," "in conclusion"). These devices contribute to the overall coherence by signaling shifts in ideas and relationships between sentences. However, there are instances where a more extensive use of cohesive devices could further enhance the connection between sentences and paragraphs.
    • How to improve: Increase the use of cohesive devices, such as pronouns ("this," "these") and parallel structures, to strengthen the relationships between sentences. Ensure that each paragraph flows seamlessly into the next. Be mindful of maintaining a balance; avoid overusing certain transitional phrases. This will create a more cohesive and fluid essay, improving the overall coherence and cohesion.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 6

  • Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a commendable attempt to use a variety of vocabulary. Phrases like "phenomenon commonly known as peer pressure," "achieve greatness," "challenge their limitations," and "cultivate even stronger bonds" showcase a good range. However, there is room for improvement as some ideas could benefit from more nuanced expression.
    • How to improve: To enhance your score, consider incorporating more sophisticated vocabulary in discussing both advantages and disadvantages. For instance, instead of "achieve greatness," you might use "attain remarkable accomplishments," and instead of "challenge their limitations," you could opt for "confront their inherent constraints."
  • Use Vocabulary Precisely:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay generally employs vocabulary effectively. However, in some instances, there is room for more precise usage. For example, the phrase "potential consequences" could be specified to highlight the specific negative outcomes of peer pressure, providing a clearer picture for the reader.
    • How to improve: To improve precision, consider providing more specific details when discussing drawbacks. Instead of "potential consequences," delve into concrete examples, such as "increased stress levels," "heightened risk of depression," or "adverse impact on mental well-being."
  • Use Correct Spelling:

    • Detailed explanation: Spelling accuracy is generally sound throughout the essay. However, it’s essential to note a couple of instances where there’s room for improvement. For instance, "thoroughly" is misspelled as "thouroughly," and "influenced" is mistakenly written as "influanced."
    • How to improve: Pay careful attention to spelling, especially in commonly misspelled words. Consider proofreading your work or using spell-check tools to catch and correct such errors.

In conclusion, while your essay demonstrates a good command of vocabulary, refining the precision of language and ensuring consistent spelling accuracy will contribute to a higher band score in the Lexical Resource criterion. Keep honing your language skills to convey ideas with utmost clarity and sophistication.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 7

  • Use a Wide Range of Structures:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a commendable variety of sentence structures, including simple and complex sentences. The writer effectively employs parallelism and uses varied sentence beginnings, contributing to the overall coherence of the essay. For instance, in the introduction, the writer employs a complex sentence structure to introduce the concept of peer pressure: "In the present era, the behavior of youngsters is often influenced and validated by their peers, a phenomenon commonly known as peer pressure."
    • How to improve: To further enhance the richness of the essay, consider integrating more compound and compound-complex sentences. This can be achieved by combining related ideas and using transitional phrases effectively. Additionally, occasional use of rhetorical devices, such as parallelism or inversion, can add sophistication to the writing.
  • Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay maintains a high level of grammatical accuracy throughout, with minimal errors. The writer effectively uses a variety of sentence structures without sacrificing grammatical precision. There are instances where complex sentences are constructed without introducing grammatical errors, showcasing a strong command of language. Punctuation is generally accurate, with proper use of commas, periods, and colons. For example, "Stress arising from comparisons among children can lead to low self-esteem, creating a significant gap and making them feel isolated."
    • How to improve: While the essay is grammatically sound, pay careful attention to subject-verb agreement in complex sentences to avoid any potential confusion. Additionally, consider incorporating a few more advanced punctuation marks, such as semicolons or dashes, where appropriate, to add variety to sentence structures. Proofreading can help catch any minor errors and ensure a flawless presentation.

Overall, the essay demonstrates a strong command of grammatical range and accuracy. To enhance the score further, focus on incorporating more complex sentence structures and continue refining grammar and punctuation skills.

Bài sửa mẫu

In the contemporary era, the behavior of youngsters is often influenced and validated by their peers, a phenomenon commonly known as peer pressure. From a critical standpoint, while this trend significantly contributes to the personal development of students, the potential consequences it may entail are worthy of thorough consideration.

While it is true that peer pressure can be beneficial for the younger generation due to the motivation they receive from one another, it is imperative to recognize the potential drawbacks. Observing peers of the same age achieving greatness can inspire students to work harder and strive for similar success. For example, a student placed in a class with high-achieving peers is more likely to outperform than one surrounded by average classmates. Moreover, peer pressure encourages students to challenge their limitations by trying new things. Observing friends navigate novel situations can instill courage and confidence in students, allowing them to overcome fears and engage in similar activities. Consequently, students can glean valuable insights and cultivate even stronger bonds through shared experiences with like-minded peers.

Notwithstanding these potential advantages, I am firmly convinced that the disadvantages of peer pressure should not be underestimated. Stress arising from comparisons among children can lead to diminished self-esteem, creating a significant gap and making them feel isolated. If the situation worsens, some may experience prolonged periods of depression, posing inherent risks to their health, relationships, and future. Peer pressure, when excessive, can cause young individuals to experience excessive stress, anxiety, and despondency. For instance, the pursuit of extreme hard work to match the accomplishments of their peers may prove counterproductive due to fatigue and mental health issues.

In conclusion, while peer pressure has its merits in motivating and encouraging the youth, it is crucial to recognize that the disadvantages outweigh the benefits significantly. The potential stress and negative impact on mental well-being make it imperative to approach peer pressure with caution, ensuring that its influence remains positive rather than detrimental to the development of young individuals.

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