fbpx

Young people are often influenced in their behaviors and situations by others of the same age. This is called “peer pressure”. Do the disadvantages of peer pressure outweigh the advantages?

Young people are often influenced in their behaviors and situations by others of the same age. This is called "peer pressure". Do the disadvantages of peer
pressure outweigh the advantages?

In the contemporary era, the behavior of youngsters is often influenced and validated by their peers, a phenomenon commonly known as peer pressure. From a critical standpoint, while this trend significantly contributes to the personal development of students, the potential consequences it may entail are worthy of thorough consideration.

While it is true that peer pressure can be beneficial for the younger generation due to the motivation they receive from one another, it is imperative to recognize the potential drawbacks. Observing peers of the same age achieving greatness can inspire students to work harder and strive for similar success. For example, a student placed in a class with high-achieving peers is more likely to outperform than one surrounded by average classmates. Moreover, peer pressure encourages students to challenge their limitations by trying new things. Observing friends navigate novel situations can instill courage and confidence in students, allowing them to overcome fears and engage in similar activities. Consequently, students can glean valuable insights and cultivate even stronger bonds through shared experiences with like-minded peers.

Notwithstanding these potential advantages, I am firmly convinced that the disadvantages of peer pressure should not be underestimated. Stress arising from comparisons among children can lead to diminished self-esteem, creating a significant gap and making them feel isolated. If the situation worsens, some may experience prolonged periods of depression, posing inherent risks to their health, relationships, and future. Peer pressure, when excessive, can cause young individuals to experience excessive stress, anxiety, and despondency. For instance, the pursuit of extreme hard work to match the accomplishments of their peers may prove counterproductive due to fatigue and mental health issues.

In conclusion, while peer pressure has its merits in motivating and encouraging the youth, it is crucial to recognize that the disadvantages outweigh the benefits significantly. The potential stress and negative impact on mental well-being make it imperative to approach peer pressure with caution, ensuring that its influence remains positive rather than detrimental to the development of young individuals.


Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

Errors and Improvements:

  1. "the behavior of youngsters" -> "the conduct of young individuals"
    Explanation: Replacing "the behavior of youngsters" with "the conduct of young individuals" contributes to a more formal and precise expression, aligning with academic language standards.

  2. "phenomenon commonly known as peer pressure" -> "phenomenon widely recognized as peer pressure"
    Explanation: Substituting "commonly known as" with "widely recognized as" enhances the formality of the sentence, providing a more academic tone while maintaining clarity.

  3. "significant contributes" -> "significantly contributes"
    Explanation: Correcting the grammatical error by changing "significant contributes" to "significantly contributes" ensures proper adverb usage, improving the overall fluency of the sentence.

  4. "it may entail are worthy of thorough consideration" -> "it may entail deserve thorough consideration"
    Explanation: Replacing "are worthy of" with "deserve" and rephrasing the sentence results in a more concise and academically appropriate expression.

  5. "While it is true that" -> "Although it is true that"
    Explanation: Substituting "While" with "Although" adds a higher level of formality and sophistication to the sentence, making it more suitable for academic writing.

  6. "Observing peers of the same age achieving greatness" -> "Observing peers of the same age attaining excellence"
    Explanation: Changing "achieving greatness" to "attaining excellence" introduces a more refined and precise vocabulary choice, aligning with academic language standards.

  7. "can instill courage and confidence in students" -> "can imbue students with courage and confidence"
    Explanation: Replacing "instill" with "imbue" and rephrasing the sentence enhances the formality and precision of the expression without sacrificing clarity.

  8. "glean valuable insights" -> "derive valuable insights"
    Explanation: Substituting "glean" with "derive" contributes to a more formal tone, maintaining the academic style of the essay.

  9. "Notwithstanding these potential advantages" -> "However, despite these potential advantages"
    Explanation: Replacing "Notwithstanding" with "However" and adding "despite" improves the transition between paragraphs and reinforces a more formal tone.

  10. "I am firmly convinced that" -> "I firmly believe that"
    Explanation: Changing "I am firmly convinced that" to "I firmly believe that" maintains conviction while using a more concise and formal expression.

  11. "diminished self-esteem" -> "lowered self-esteem"
    Explanation: Substituting "diminished" with "lowered" maintains formality and provides a more academically appropriate synonym.

  12. "posing inherent risks to their health, relationships, and future" -> "posing inherent risks to their health, interpersonal relationships, and future prospects"
    Explanation: Expanding "relationships" to "interpersonal relationships" and specifying "future prospects" enhances precision and formality in the context of the essay.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 8

Band Score for Task Response: 8

  • Answer All Parts of the Question:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay provides a comprehensive analysis of both the advantages and disadvantages of peer pressure, addressing each aspect of the question. It discusses the positive impact on personal development and motivation while also acknowledging the potential drawbacks such as stress and negative effects on mental well-being.
    • How to improve: While the essay effectively addresses all parts of the question, it could further enhance its response by providing more specific examples or scenarios to illustrate the influence of peer pressure on young individuals.
  • Present a Clear Position Throughout:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay maintains a clear and consistent position throughout, expressing a belief in the potential benefits of peer pressure but emphasizing that its disadvantages outweigh the advantages.
    • How to improve: To strengthen the clarity of the position, the essay could explicitly state the stance in the introduction and reiterate it in the conclusion for emphasis.
  • Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay effectively presents ideas about the positive impact of peer pressure on motivation and personal development. It extends these ideas with examples like the influence of high-achieving peers and the encouragement to try new things. The support is evident through specific instances and logical reasoning.
    • How to improve: To further enhance the essay, it could include additional examples or real-life scenarios to illustrate the points made, providing a more vivid picture of how peer pressure operates in various situations.
  • Stay on Topic:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay consistently stays on topic, discussing the advantages and disadvantages of peer pressure as prompted by the question. There are no significant deviations.
    • How to improve: To ensure continued relevance, the essay could briefly reiterate the key aspects of the question in the conclusion, reinforcing the focus on peer pressure and its impact on young individuals.

Overall, this essay demonstrates a strong understanding of the prompt and effectively addresses the given checklist criteria. To enhance its quality, the essay could benefit from incorporating more specific examples and explicitly stating the position in the introduction and conclusion. Nevertheless, the analysis is thorough, and the ideas are logically presented and supported.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 7

  • Organize Information Logically:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a commendable level of logical organization. It starts with a clear introduction that defines peer pressure and sets the stage for the discussion. The body paragraphs follow a structured approach, presenting both the advantages and disadvantages of peer pressure. The logical flow is evident as the essay moves seamlessly from discussing benefits to drawbacks and finally concludes with a concise summary.
    • How to improve: To further enhance logical organization, consider providing smoother transitions between paragraphs. Use transitional phrases to guide the reader through the different stages of the argument, ensuring a seamless connection between ideas.
  • Use Paragraphs:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay effectively uses paragraphs to organize and present ideas. Each paragraph is focused on a specific aspect of the argument, contributing to the overall coherence. The introduction and conclusion are appropriately developed, and there is a clear separation of ideas in the body paragraphs.
    • How to improve: To strengthen the structure, consider ensuring that each paragraph begins with a clear topic sentence that introduces the main idea. Additionally, verify that the order of paragraphs contributes to a logical progression of the argument.
  • Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay employs a variety of cohesive devices to connect ideas and enhance coherence. Transition words such as "while," "moreover," and "notwithstanding" are used effectively to signal shifts between contrasting points. Pronouns and referencing are also utilized to connect sentences and maintain a smooth flow.
    • How to improve: To further diversify cohesive devices, explore the use of synonyms and parallel structures. This can add nuance and variety to the language. Additionally, pay attention to the consistency of referencing, ensuring clarity in pronoun usage throughout the essay.

Overall, the essay demonstrates a strong grasp of coherence and cohesion, with minor improvements suggested to elevate the logical flow and variety of cohesive devices.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 7

  • Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a commendable range of vocabulary. It utilizes diverse words and expressions to convey ideas, making the content engaging and varied. For instance, the essay employs phrases such as "contemporary era," "novel situations," and "counterproductive," showcasing the writer’s ability to use vocabulary effectively.
    • How to improve: While the essay already exhibits a broad vocabulary, enhancing variety even further can contribute to a more sophisticated expression of ideas. Consider introducing specialized terms or exploring synonyms for frequently used words to add nuance and depth.
  • Use Vocabulary Precisely:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay generally uses vocabulary with precision. However, there are instances where a more precise choice of words could enhance clarity. For example, in the sentence, "stress arising from comparisons among children," specifying the type of stress (e.g., emotional stress or peer-induced stress) would provide a clearer picture.
    • How to improve: Aim for pinpoint accuracy in word choice, particularly when describing nuanced concepts. Pay attention to contexts where more specificity can enhance the reader’s understanding. In this case, specifying the nature of stress would eliminate potential ambiguity.
  • Use Correct Spelling:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay exhibits a high level of spelling accuracy, with no evident errors throughout the text. This contributes to the overall professionalism of the writing.
    • How to improve: Maintain the current standard of spelling accuracy by continuing to review and revise written work. Consider utilizing spelling and grammar tools for additional assurance. Proofreading remains crucial to catch any inadvertent errors that might compromise the quality of the essay.

In conclusion, the lexical resource in this essay is strong, earning a Band Score of 7. To further enhance this score, focus on introducing even more variety into vocabulary, striving for precision in word choice, and consistently maintaining the excellent spelling demonstrated in this piece. Overall, a well-executed and articulate response to the prompt.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 7

  • Use a Wide Range of Structures:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a commendable range of sentence structures. Simple, compound, and complex sentences are employed effectively to convey ideas. There is evidence of varied sentence beginnings, and the essay effectively uses transitional phrases to connect ideas within and between sentences.
    • How to improve: To further enhance the variety and sophistication of sentence structures, consider incorporating advanced structures such as parallelism, inverted sentences, or conditional sentences. Additionally, pay attention to sentence length to maintain a balance between complexity and clarity.
  • Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:

    • Detailed explanation: Overall, the essay exhibits a strong command of grammar and punctuation. Subject-verb agreement, verb tenses, and sentence construction are handled adeptly. Punctuation marks, including commas and periods, are used accurately to guide the reader and enhance the clarity of the text.
    • How to improve: While the grammar is generally accurate, there are a few instances where sentence structure could be refined for greater precision. For example, in the phrase "the potential drawbacks," consider rephrasing to "potential drawbacks" for conciseness. Additionally, ensure consistency in verb tense throughout the essay, especially when discussing general truths or hypothetical situations.

In summary, the essay showcases a solid grasp of grammatical range and accuracy. To further elevate the score, focus on introducing more sophisticated sentence structures and fine-tune grammatical details for increased precision and consistency. Overall, an excellent effort that aligns well with a Band Score of 7.

Bài sửa mẫu

In the present era, the conduct of young individuals is often shaped by their peers, a phenomenon widely recognized as peer pressure. From a critical standpoint, while this trend significantly contributes to the personal development of students, the potential consequences it may entail deserve thorough consideration.

Although it is true that peer pressure can be advantageous for the younger generation due to the motivation they receive from one another, it is imperative to recognize the potential drawbacks. Observing peers of the same age attaining excellence can imbue students with courage and confidence to work harder and strive for similar success. For example, a student placed in a class with high-achieving peers is more likely to outperform than one surrounded by average classmates. Moreover, peer pressure encourages students to challenge their limitations by trying new things. Observing friends navigate novel situations can instill courage and confidence in students, allowing them to overcome fears and engage in similar activities. Consequently, students can derive valuable insights and cultivate even stronger bonds through shared experiences with like-minded peers.

However, despite these potential advantages, I firmly believe that the disadvantages of peer pressure should not be underestimated. Stress arising from comparisons among children can lead to lowered self-esteem, creating a significant gap and making them feel isolated. If the situation worsens, some may experience prolonged periods of depression, posing inherent risks to their health, interpersonal relationships, and future prospects. Peer pressure, when excessive, can cause young individuals to experience excessive stress, anxiety, and despondency. For instance, the pursuit of extreme hard work to match the accomplishments of their peers may prove counterproductive due to fatigue and mental health issues.

In conclusion, while peer pressure has its merits in motivating and encouraging the youth, it is crucial to recognize that the disadvantages outweigh the benefits significantly. The potential stress and negative impact on mental well-being make it imperative to approach peer pressure with caution, ensuring that its influence remains positive rather than detrimental to the development of young individuals.

IELTS Writify

Chấm IELTS Writing Free x GPT