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Young people are often influenced in their behaviors and situations by others of the same age. This is called “peer pressure”. Do the disadvantages of peer pressure outweigh the advantages?

Young people are often influenced in their behaviors and situations by others of the same age. This is called "peer pressure". Do the disadvantages of peer
pressure outweigh the advantages?

In this day and age, youngsters ‘ way of behaving is often inspired and validated by their peers, which is referred to as peer pressure. From my perspective, although this phenomenon contributes hugely to the improvement of students, I still believe that the consequences that it might bring are more worthy considering.

Admittedly, it is understandable to argue that peer pressure is beneficial to the young generation thanks to the incentive they receive from one another. That is to say, by watching other people with the same age achieve greatness, students are inclined to work harder by themselves and strive to accomplish the same success. For instance, a child who is put in a class with straight-A students is more likely to outperform instead of one who is surrounded by average classmates. Additionally, peer pressure also encourages students to challenge their limitations by trying new things. Specifically, by observing their friends coping with new experiences, they might have more courage and confidence to overcome fears and follow those kinds of activities. Consequently, students can learn a plethora of valuable lessons as well as building even stronger bonds through sharing experiences with those who have the same interests.

Despite some benefits that peer pressure might bring, I still remain the perspective that the cons eclipse the pros to some extent. It is worth mentioning that the stress originating from the comparison among children would make them have a low self-esteem, which creates a big gap and makes them feel isolated from the majority. As a result, if the situation goes worse, some will have to suffer from depression for a long time and it can be potentially detrimental to their health, relationship, and even their future. Not only can peer pressure cause serious stress but it can also make youthful people experience worry and melancholy. To illustrate, they will evolved themself in extreme hard work in order to be accomplished like their peers; however this tends to be counter-productive by virtue of their tiredness and mental problems.

Taking everything into consideration, even though peer pressure can be beneficial to the youth thanks to the motivation and encouragement it brings, I am convinced that the drawbacks totally outweigh the benefits due to the stress and compression that students might get.


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Errors and Improvements:

  1. "youngsters ‘ way of behaving" -> "youngsters’ behavior"
    Explanation: The original phrase is awkward and informal. Using "youngsters’ behavior" is more concise and maintains a formal tone.

  2. "which is referred to as peer pressure" -> "known as peer pressure"
    Explanation: "Referred to as" is less formal; "known as" is a more direct and suitable alternative for academic writing.

  3. "contributes hugely" -> "significantly contributes"
    Explanation: "Contributes hugely" is informal; "significantly contributes" adds formality and precision to the sentence.

  4. "more worthy considering" -> "worth considering more thoroughly"
    Explanation: "More worthy considering" is imprecise; "worth considering more thoroughly" is a clearer and more formal expression.

  5. "Admittedly" -> "While it is true"
    Explanation: "Admittedly" is informal; "While it is true" is a more formal way to introduce a concession.

  6. "watching other people with the same age" -> "observing peers of the same age"
    Explanation: "Watching other people with the same age" is informal; "observing peers of the same age" is a more formal and precise phrase.

  7. "For instance" -> "For example"
    Explanation: "For instance" is less formal; "For example" is the preferred term in academic writing.

  8. "a child who is put in a class" -> "a student placed in a class"
    Explanation: "Child" is more informal; "a student placed in a class" is a formal and accurate term.

  9. "outperform instead of" -> "outperform rather than"
    Explanation: "Instead of" is informal; "rather than" is a more formal choice for expressing contrast.

  10. "cope with new experiences" -> "navigate new experiences"
    Explanation: "Coping with new experiences" is informal; "navigate new experiences" is a more formal and precise expression.

  11. "building even stronger bonds" -> "cultivating even stronger bonds"
    Explanation: "Building even stronger bonds" is less formal; "cultivating even stronger bonds" is a more sophisticated and appropriate term.

  12. "Despite some benefits" -> "Despite the potential benefits"
    Explanation: Adding "potential" adds nuance and precision to the statement.

  13. "creates a big gap" -> "creates a significant gap"
    Explanation: "Big" is informal; "significant" is a more formal and precise adjective.

  14. "if the situation goes worse" -> "if the situation worsens"
    Explanation: "Goes worse" is less formal; "worsens" is a more appropriate term.

  15. "evolved themself" -> "immerse themselves"
    Explanation: "Evolved themselves" is incorrect; "immerse themselves" is a more suitable phrase.

  16. "extreme hard work" -> "excessive hard work"
    Explanation: "Extreme hard work" is informal; "excessive hard work" is a more formal and precise expression.

  17. "by virtue of their tiredness" -> "due to their fatigue"
    Explanation: "By virtue of" is less formal; "due to" is a more appropriate preposition in this context.

  18. "youthful people" -> "young individuals"
    Explanation: "Youthful people" is less formal; "young individuals" is a more precise and formal term.

  19. "evolved themself" -> "immerse themselves"
    Explanation: "Evolved themselves" is incorrect; "immerse themselves" is a more suitable phrase.

  20. "can be potentially detrimental" -> "can be detrimental"
    Explanation: "Potentially detrimental" is redundant; "can be detrimental" is a more concise expression.

  21. "make youthful people experience" -> "cause young individuals to experience"
    Explanation: "Make youthful people experience" is less formal; "cause young individuals to experience" is a more suitable phrase.

  22. "get" -> "experience"
    Explanation: "Get" is informal; "experience" is a more formal and precise verb.

  23. "the drawbacks totally outweigh the benefits" -> "the drawbacks outweigh the benefits significantly"
    Explanation: "Totally" is informal; "outweigh the benefits significantly" is a more formal and nuanced expression.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Task Response: 6

  • Answer All Parts of the Question:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay adequately addresses both aspects of the question, discussing the advantages and disadvantages of peer pressure. However, the analysis is somewhat limited, and the discussion of disadvantages is more prominent.
    • How to improve: To enhance the response, consider providing a more balanced discussion of both advantages and disadvantages. Elaborate further on the advantages and provide specific examples to support your points.
  • Present a Clear Position Throughout:

    • Detailed explanation: The position is clearly stated in the introduction and maintained throughout the essay. The writer believes that the disadvantages of peer pressure outweigh the advantages.
    • How to improve: The clarity of the position is commendable. To strengthen the essay, ensure that each paragraph consistently supports and reinforces this stance. Revisit topic sentences to ensure they align with the overall position.
  • Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay presents ideas adequately, offering examples to support the points made. However, some instances lack depth and could benefit from more thorough elaboration.
    • How to improve: To enhance idea development, provide more detailed explanations and examples. Elaborate on how peer pressure can contribute to personal growth and the specific lessons learned. Strengthen your argument by offering more nuanced insights.
  • Stay on Topic:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay generally stays on topic, discussing the influence of peer pressure on young people. However, there are moments where the connection to the topic weakens, such as the mention of depression without a clear link to peer pressure.
    • How to improve: Ensure each point directly relates to the prompt. If discussing potential mental health issues, explicitly tie them back to the influence of peer pressure. Be cautious not to introduce tangential ideas that distract from the central theme.

In summary, while the essay effectively addresses the prompt, there is room for improvement in providing a more balanced discussion, reinforcing the essay’s position throughout, developing ideas with greater depth, and ensuring all points directly relate to the topic. Consider these suggestions to elevate the essay to a higher band score.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 6

  • Organize Information Logically:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay exhibits a generally logical organization. It begins with a clear introduction, followed by body paragraphs that present both sides of the argument. The progression of ideas is clear, moving from the advantages to the disadvantages of peer pressure, and concluding with a concise summary. However, there is room for improvement in the clarity of transitions between paragraphs to enhance overall coherence.
    • How to improve: To enhance logical flow, consider using more explicit transition phrases between paragraphs. For example, phrases like "On the other hand," or "Conversely" can help guide the reader through shifts in the discussion.
  • Use Paragraphs:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay is appropriately divided into paragraphs, with distinct ideas presented in each. However, there are instances where the organization within paragraphs could be improved. For example, in the second paragraph, the idea of peer pressure’s benefits could be further segmented for clarity.
    • How to improve: Focus on creating a clear structure within each paragraph. Ensure that each paragraph introduces, develops, and concludes a specific idea. In the second paragraph, consider separating the discussion on incentive and challenging limitations into distinct parts, providing a clearer structure for the reader.
  • Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay employs some cohesive devices, such as pronouns ("that," "it," "they") and conjunctions ("although," "additionally," "despite"). However, there is room for improvement in diversifying the types of cohesive devices used. The essay would benefit from incorporating more linking words and phrases to establish stronger connections between ideas.
    • How to improve: Introduce a wider range of cohesive devices, such as transitional adverbs ("furthermore," "however," "consequently") and linking words ("Moreover," "Nevertheless"). This will enhance the overall coherence and cohesion of the essay by explicitly connecting and signaling relationships between different ideas.

In summary, while the essay demonstrates a commendable level of coherence and cohesion, refining transitions between paragraphs, improving the organization within paragraphs, and incorporating a broader range of cohesive devices will contribute to a more polished and cohesive piece of writing.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 6

  • Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay exhibits a commendable range of vocabulary, incorporating varied terms such as "incentive," "strive," "accomplish," "plethora," and "counter-productive." However, there is room for improvement in diversifying vocabulary further. For instance, certain words like "big gap" and "low self-esteem" could be replaced with more sophisticated alternatives to enhance lexical richness.
    • How to improve: To elevate the range of vocabulary, consider incorporating advanced synonyms and idiomatic expressions. Explore alternative phrases for common terms and aim for a more nuanced expression of ideas. Utilize a thesaurus to identify synonyms that align with the context and elevate the lexical quality of the essay.
  • Use Vocabulary Precisely:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay generally employs vocabulary with reasonable precision, effectively conveying ideas. However, there are instances where words like "evolved" may not be the most precise choice, and the phrase "due to the stress and compression" could be refined for clearer communication.
    • How to improve: To enhance precision, carefully choose words that precisely convey intended meanings. Replace vague terms with more specific ones, and critically evaluate whether each word accurately captures the intended nuance. In this context, consider alternatives to "evolved" and rephrase sentences for greater clarity, ensuring each word contributes precisely to the conveyed message.
  • Use Correct Spelling:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay generally maintains a satisfactory level of spelling accuracy. However, there are a few instances of misspelled words such as "evolved" (should be "involved") and "themself" (should be "themselves"). These errors, though limited, impact the overall spelling accuracy.
    • How to improve: To enhance spelling accuracy, proofread the essay meticulously to identify and correct errors. Additionally, consider utilizing spelling and grammar checking tools to catch any overlooked mistakes. Pay close attention to commonly misspelled words and practice reinforcing correct spelling through regular writing exercises.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 7

  • Use a Wide Range of Structures:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a reasonable range of sentence structures. Simple, compound, and complex sentences are used effectively. There is evidence of sentence variety, such as the use of conditional sentences ("For instance, a child who is put in a class with straight-A students is more likely to outperform instead of one who is surrounded by average classmates") and a mix of short and long sentences.
    • How to improve: While the essay exhibits a commendable variety of sentence structures, further sophistication can be achieved by incorporating more complex sentence structures. Introduce a variety of sentence types, such as parallelism, inversion, or different types of clauses, to enhance overall fluency.
  • Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay generally maintains grammatical accuracy. However, there are instances of minor grammatical errors and awkward phrasing that slightly affect the overall coherence. For example, in the sentence "That is to say, by watching other people with the same age achieve greatness," a more grammatically precise expression would be "people of the same age." Additionally, there are a few instances of imprecise pronoun references ("this tends to be counter-productive by virtue of their tiredness and mental problems").
    • How to improve: Pay careful attention to pronoun references to ensure clarity. Proofread the essay thoroughly to identify and correct minor grammatical errors. Consider seeking feedback from peers or teachers to enhance grammatical precision.

Overall, the essay effectively utilizes a range of sentence structures, contributing to its coherence and readability. To enhance the grammatical accuracy, attention to detail in pronoun references and thorough proofreading is recommended. Additionally, incorporating more complex sentence structures can elevate the overall sophistication of the essay.

Bài sửa mẫu

In the present era, the behavior of youngsters is often influenced and validated by their peers, a phenomenon commonly known as peer pressure. From my perspective, while this trend significantly contributes to the personal development of students, the potential consequences it may entail are worth considering more thoroughly.

While it is true that peer pressure can be beneficial for the younger generation due to the motivation they receive from one another, it is essential to acknowledge the potential drawbacks. Observing peers of the same age achieving greatness can inspire students to work harder and strive for similar success. For example, a student placed in a class with high-achieving peers is more likely to outperform than one surrounded by average classmates. Moreover, peer pressure encourages students to challenge their limitations by trying new things. Witnessing friends navigate new experiences can instill courage and confidence in students, allowing them to overcome fears and engage in similar activities. Consequently, students can learn valuable lessons and cultivate even stronger bonds through shared experiences with like-minded peers.

Despite these potential benefits, I remain convinced that the disadvantages of peer pressure should not be underestimated. Stress arising from comparisons among children can lead to low self-esteem, creating a significant gap and making them feel isolated. If the situation worsens, some may experience prolonged periods of depression, posing potential risks to their health, relationships, and future. Peer pressure, when excessive, can cause young individuals to experience excessive stress, worry, and melancholy. For instance, the pursuit of extreme hard work to match the accomplishments of their peers may prove counterproductive due to fatigue and mental health issues.

In conclusion, while peer pressure has its merits in motivating and encouraging the youth, it is crucial to recognize that the drawbacks outweigh the benefits significantly. The potential stress and negative impact on mental well-being make it imperative to approach peer pressure with caution, ensuring that its influence remains positive rather than detrimental to the development of young individuals.

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